Woe is me
I'm just going to throw it out there in a nutshell.
We still have no baby, and my best friend is pregnant. I work next to her every day, and it's really hard. It's so stressful for me that I have reduced my hours to 30 per week. I'm still considered full time. I just can't stand to be at work for 40 hours a week. I never thought I'd say that I'll be glad when she's on maternity leave because I just don't want to be around her. I know I sound mean, but I really don't know how to put it any other way. She wouldn't be able to understand even if I did talk with her about it. A person that hasn't had to deal with fertility issues wouldn't understand to begin with. Michael and I are still trying. I have to get a procedure done that will show if my fallopian tubes are blocked or anything, which I was going to get done last month, but the doctor couldn't do it last month. It would have been nice if they had told me that prior. They did find out my uterus *looks* like it separates into two parts, which will make it a bit more difficult than it should be. At least it's just odd-shaped and I don't have two uterus'. Anyways, I asked my OBGYN office if women with the same problem can still have children, and she said yes.
You know, I avoided being pregnant from the age of 17 until I was married at 24. That's about seven years. Now, when we're both desperately ready to have a child, no dice. It feels like a slap in the face. fFor me, frustration is really hard to deal with. And, I didn't think my body was stressed out, but I'm sure it is. I had my regularly scheduled pap smear a month ago, which came back fine. We decided that we were going to try chlomid again, which will be a dose of 50 mg. So if the chlomid doesn't work, I'll have to go back on a monthly basis to have my ovaries examined to make sure they're not tender etc. Ironically, Michael will need to take about a 25 mg dose of chlomid as well to improve the quality of his sperm. It'll be interesting, I'm sure. The doctor told me that Michael may be a bit moody when he's taking it. I laughed and thought "ya think?" I don't know why I'm letting this whole process get to me as much as it has. I feel depressed sometimes. And that really isn't like me. At all. Anyone that knows me in real life would tell you that the words 'sad', or 'depression' don't fit my personality whatsoever.
It really doesn't help that I recently went to my husband's brother's wedding, and I found out his now-wife is also on chlomid or some like-prescription. His wife was all "THIS IS MY BABY-MAKING MEDICINE!" and was obnoxious about it. I sighed. Loudly. Because, see, they already have a child that is special needs...she didn't stop fucking smoking while she was pregnant the first time! Why the hell should they have another one? Also, they're taking care of 2 little girls which are his (but not hers) from two different mothers. They barely have any money. And he's out of work right now. Tell me this is not a fucked up situation. I wanted to scream. If she also has another baby before I get to have my first, I swear I'm going to lose it.
These are just a few of the things which are making me crazy. And I know I'm letting all of this affect me more than I should. I just feel like there's hardly anyone for me to talk to about it, other than my husband and a couple close friends at work. My parents are too far away to bother with the issue. And when I do talk about the troubles we're having, I cry. I try not to, but I just can't help it.
We'll get through this, and we'll have a child someday. I have to keep telling myself that. Most importantly, I have to believe in it. That's really the hardest part, and I don't know why.