::dies::
So... it's been about forever since I've done this... although, since I know no one really reads it anyway it's all good...
and now...
Now, I know I put this behind a cut... with a rather large warning on it... but I'm warning you once more, because you really shouldn't read this... it's a waste of your time... and probably mine for writing it... but I'm having a day of selfpity... and I hate myself for it... which just makes it worse... and... and... I'm in a rut and need to vent. BADLY... but that doesn't mean anyone has to read it... so please don't... it really isn't worth it...
And here we go: I have realized over the last few days that I am a complete waste of human life. All I've done for the last few weeks is fuck up and fuck up some more. And I haven't just fucked up for me, but for lots of people... and I don't even want to face people anymore. I've taken to hiding from my phone... pretending I'm not online... only talking to like two people, and none of them people I see in person. I can still smile at work, be happy and cheerful... the girl that everyone loves to work with... the one that everyone says has the right attitude and works hard and all that shit... only none of it is real... and I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. God damn it, I'm not! I've fucked up so many things lately I can't keep track, and they so far out-weigh the things I've done right that sometimes I wonder why I try. Is it even worth it to face the world anymore? Because it gets harder every day. I want nothing to do with the world anymore... I'm so tired of disappointing people, and hurting them, and frustrating them and annoying them... and I know this rant isn't helping any, and will probably just prove to people even more strongly that I'm just a stupid little child who needs to grow the fuck up... but damn it, I know that! I'm just having a hard time when everything I've fucked up keeps coming back and throwing me off and making me fuck up more, so that it's cycling down and I can't function anymore. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to eat. I don't want to see any of the people that I missed over break, or talk to anyone, or move. Even the things I used to enjoy... reading... writing... sewing... it's all hard. It's all too much effort. I mean, what's the point, really...?
Gods, I'm such a whiny bitch today! I'm sorry to anyone who decided to read this... I really am... but I'm having such a hard time right now... and pretending to be okay is just making it worse... so I'm not pretending for ten minutes, letting it all explode so that I'm able to keep pretending tomorrow... because I have to... I can't do it anymore... not right now... I just can't...
In other new... or... well... I don't know... I think I'm at a loss for words... I mean, beyond that rant that I really REALLY hope no one read... but I needed to get out... GAH!!!! I need to stop now. I'M SORRY!
and now...
Now, I know I put this behind a cut... with a rather large warning on it... but I'm warning you once more, because you really shouldn't read this... it's a waste of your time... and probably mine for writing it... but I'm having a day of selfpity... and I hate myself for it... which just makes it worse... and... and... I'm in a rut and need to vent. BADLY... but that doesn't mean anyone has to read it... so please don't... it really isn't worth it...
And here we go: I have realized over the last few days that I am a complete waste of human life. All I've done for the last few weeks is fuck up and fuck up some more. And I haven't just fucked up for me, but for lots of people... and I don't even want to face people anymore. I've taken to hiding from my phone... pretending I'm not online... only talking to like two people, and none of them people I see in person. I can still smile at work, be happy and cheerful... the girl that everyone loves to work with... the one that everyone says has the right attitude and works hard and all that shit... only none of it is real... and I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. God damn it, I'm not! I've fucked up so many things lately I can't keep track, and they so far out-weigh the things I've done right that sometimes I wonder why I try. Is it even worth it to face the world anymore? Because it gets harder every day. I want nothing to do with the world anymore... I'm so tired of disappointing people, and hurting them, and frustrating them and annoying them... and I know this rant isn't helping any, and will probably just prove to people even more strongly that I'm just a stupid little child who needs to grow the fuck up... but damn it, I know that! I'm just having a hard time when everything I've fucked up keeps coming back and throwing me off and making me fuck up more, so that it's cycling down and I can't function anymore. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to eat. I don't want to see any of the people that I missed over break, or talk to anyone, or move. Even the things I used to enjoy... reading... writing... sewing... it's all hard. It's all too much effort. I mean, what's the point, really...?
Gods, I'm such a whiny bitch today! I'm sorry to anyone who decided to read this... I really am... but I'm having such a hard time right now... and pretending to be okay is just making it worse... so I'm not pretending for ten minutes, letting it all explode so that I'm able to keep pretending tomorrow... because I have to... I can't do it anymore... not right now... I just can't...
In other new... or... well... I don't know... I think I'm at a loss for words... I mean, beyond that rant that I really REALLY hope no one read... but I needed to get out... GAH!!!! I need to stop now. I'M SORRY!