This innocence
As of recent, I have been overcome with a strange feeling of content. I'm, at times, happy with life, and at times sad. I've been accepted into nursing school, I'm working a job that I'm not only good at, but I mildly enjoy, and I'm taking comfort in knowing that my friends are only a few weeks from returning to concord. But I can't help but feel like there's been a change in me, and it's one I'm not happy with.
I'm sitting here, not studying for my biology test in the morning, my itunes list taking me from Martina Mcbride to Anberlin and back again, wandering where I should go from here. I need to find that girl who loved without holding back, who spoke up despite the consequences, who wasn't afraid to cry. I don't smile with my eyes anymore. I let people, friends, talk down to me. I buried myself, my feelings away, because I hated what I was feeling, and now I'm afraid I've forgotten how to love.
There are people who don't know me for what I truly am, because I was afraid to be that girl. They don't know that girl who dances as she works or giggles at the inappropriate. They never got to hear me sing; I mean really sing. They never watched in fascination as I jumped about in excitement over a movie trailer, or saw me in full-on pirate garb. They never knew that they made me feel so welcomed, so unconditionally loved. They didn't know that I had found true friends, friends that I loved.
Because I never told them, and I regret that more than anything.
I believe to have a fulfilling life we need to live passionately, honestly, but the only passion I find is in words, and those words are lies. I am a walking hypocrisy, as are most fiction writers. I preach honesty, love, life, but I am, by definition, a professional liar. I wouldn't be me if I didn't find the amusement in that.
At this point in my life I'm certain only a few things that I truly want. They are simple; my friends, alicia, rizu, and izzy, nursing school, and writing until every pen I own runs dry. The truth is, I've wanted to be a writer, a nurse for so long, that I've forgotten how to want anything else. It's all I know. Of course I'd like to love again, but I know that for now, I'm better off on my own. I'd also like to see the new Pirates movie....ah, my priorities.
For now, end. <3
I'm sitting here, not studying for my biology test in the morning, my itunes list taking me from Martina Mcbride to Anberlin and back again, wandering where I should go from here. I need to find that girl who loved without holding back, who spoke up despite the consequences, who wasn't afraid to cry. I don't smile with my eyes anymore. I let people, friends, talk down to me. I buried myself, my feelings away, because I hated what I was feeling, and now I'm afraid I've forgotten how to love.
There are people who don't know me for what I truly am, because I was afraid to be that girl. They don't know that girl who dances as she works or giggles at the inappropriate. They never got to hear me sing; I mean really sing. They never watched in fascination as I jumped about in excitement over a movie trailer, or saw me in full-on pirate garb. They never knew that they made me feel so welcomed, so unconditionally loved. They didn't know that I had found true friends, friends that I loved.
Because I never told them, and I regret that more than anything.
I believe to have a fulfilling life we need to live passionately, honestly, but the only passion I find is in words, and those words are lies. I am a walking hypocrisy, as are most fiction writers. I preach honesty, love, life, but I am, by definition, a professional liar. I wouldn't be me if I didn't find the amusement in that.
At this point in my life I'm certain only a few things that I truly want. They are simple; my friends, alicia, rizu, and izzy, nursing school, and writing until every pen I own runs dry. The truth is, I've wanted to be a writer, a nurse for so long, that I've forgotten how to want anything else. It's all I know. Of course I'd like to love again, but I know that for now, I'm better off on my own. I'd also like to see the new Pirates movie....ah, my priorities.
For now, end. <3