I miss Maine.
Well, I more precisely miss Farmington I should say.
I miss all the good times I had.
I miss the forest, the quiet, the calm.
All the friends.
All the fun.
I keep trying to beat away that nostalgia with a large spiked stick, but it keeps coming back no matter how hard I hit it.
I've tried reasoning with myself...
"Barely anyone you know is there anymore... Jacqui, Jackie, Jess, Nicki, Stewart, Liz, Serenity, Tara, Sarah, Mary, Tommy, Eileen, Josh, cindy (possibly?), Ian... they're all gone. How can I have those good times back with that many people gone? Yes, Cathy, Derrick, Ed, Liz, Savannah, Kae, Paul and Ken are there, but how many of those people really matter? 4? And they have their own lives, that don't revolve around college."
Then some of the other people I would have liked to get to know are probably leaving now anyways... Shannon, Meg... I believe they both are graduating this spring semester.
Why do I keep thinking about all those good times? Why do I keep wanting to go back SO DAMN BADLY? When I know I can't have those good times back, when I know most of the people there I wouldn't even get along with. Hell, I'd have to try to get a single room, or worry constantly vs. killing a roommate.
I've tried making emotions about where I am now. I do like the people I work with, but there's so much stress that I can't really throughly enjoy it. Then again, is it maybe my own fault that I don't have my friends here? Am I so connected to the people back on the east coast and so afraid of letting go that I can't enjoy myself here? Am I willing to give up and drag myself back there?
Wouldn't that just be giving up and giving in?
Wouldn't that mean I'd be lonely, live alone, have barely any friends around AND have to deal with my parents?
Aren't those all reasons why I talked myself into coming out here?
I mean, I don't think Serenity would go back with me, and I'm so used to living with someone now? Would I end up doing something stupid since I'd be so lonely?
I probably would...
I got my sign why I should stay out here, why am I questioning it now?
Why the crap am I crying about all of this?
I guess this is where my transistion ends, isn't it?
Do I stay here? Or do I move back?
Forward? or back?
God I want to go forward, but for the first time in my life, I must admit, I'm genuienelly scared out of my mind about going forward.
I want to run back, hide and ... well, I dunno.
Maine is familar, this is all strange and new: Though it's slowly becoming familar. Maybe I should stop thinking about this and just let time go a little further. See how I feel about things in the next couple months. Since in the next couple months is when all the major decisions need to happen.
God, was I so caught up in making a plan for my future all these past years, that I never even noticed how far ahead I had moved?
I've come so far... Why do I feel like such a loser?
I grew up to be a very healthy, intelligent, strong (physically and mentally), cultured and open-minded young woman, that's traveled, made friends thoughout the entire untied states. I work hard, I learn fast, I remember things (most of the time) quickly... Why do I feel like I've gotten no where? Why do I feel like I'm no one? Is it because I don't feel recognized? Is it because I keep getting screwed over that I think I'm worth nothing?
I feel like I try to do so many good things, why does it never seem to be enough? Why can't I just be okay? I just want to be okay... is that too much to ask..?
This all hurts so much.
I feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest that is just taking and taking from me. Then my mind runs such a ruckus that I can't keep up with it.
A head that goes a million miles a second and heart that is a black hole.... Guess I'm just wonderful now, aren't I?
I miss all the good times I had.
I miss the forest, the quiet, the calm.
All the friends.
All the fun.
I keep trying to beat away that nostalgia with a large spiked stick, but it keeps coming back no matter how hard I hit it.
I've tried reasoning with myself...
"Barely anyone you know is there anymore... Jacqui, Jackie, Jess, Nicki, Stewart, Liz, Serenity, Tara, Sarah, Mary, Tommy, Eileen, Josh, cindy (possibly?), Ian... they're all gone. How can I have those good times back with that many people gone? Yes, Cathy, Derrick, Ed, Liz, Savannah, Kae, Paul and Ken are there, but how many of those people really matter? 4? And they have their own lives, that don't revolve around college."
Then some of the other people I would have liked to get to know are probably leaving now anyways... Shannon, Meg... I believe they both are graduating this spring semester.
Why do I keep thinking about all those good times? Why do I keep wanting to go back SO DAMN BADLY? When I know I can't have those good times back, when I know most of the people there I wouldn't even get along with. Hell, I'd have to try to get a single room, or worry constantly vs. killing a roommate.
I've tried making emotions about where I am now. I do like the people I work with, but there's so much stress that I can't really throughly enjoy it. Then again, is it maybe my own fault that I don't have my friends here? Am I so connected to the people back on the east coast and so afraid of letting go that I can't enjoy myself here? Am I willing to give up and drag myself back there?
Wouldn't that just be giving up and giving in?
Wouldn't that mean I'd be lonely, live alone, have barely any friends around AND have to deal with my parents?
Aren't those all reasons why I talked myself into coming out here?
I mean, I don't think Serenity would go back with me, and I'm so used to living with someone now? Would I end up doing something stupid since I'd be so lonely?
I probably would...
I got my sign why I should stay out here, why am I questioning it now?
Why the crap am I crying about all of this?
I guess this is where my transistion ends, isn't it?
Do I stay here? Or do I move back?
Forward? or back?
God I want to go forward, but for the first time in my life, I must admit, I'm genuienelly scared out of my mind about going forward.
I want to run back, hide and ... well, I dunno.
Maine is familar, this is all strange and new: Though it's slowly becoming familar. Maybe I should stop thinking about this and just let time go a little further. See how I feel about things in the next couple months. Since in the next couple months is when all the major decisions need to happen.
God, was I so caught up in making a plan for my future all these past years, that I never even noticed how far ahead I had moved?
I've come so far... Why do I feel like such a loser?
I grew up to be a very healthy, intelligent, strong (physically and mentally), cultured and open-minded young woman, that's traveled, made friends thoughout the entire untied states. I work hard, I learn fast, I remember things (most of the time) quickly... Why do I feel like I've gotten no where? Why do I feel like I'm no one? Is it because I don't feel recognized? Is it because I keep getting screwed over that I think I'm worth nothing?
I feel like I try to do so many good things, why does it never seem to be enough? Why can't I just be okay? I just want to be okay... is that too much to ask..?
This all hurts so much.
I feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest that is just taking and taking from me. Then my mind runs such a ruckus that I can't keep up with it.
A head that goes a million miles a second and heart that is a black hole.... Guess I'm just wonderful now, aren't I?