How strange it is
Four years have passed since my last post. It will be interesting to see if I start posting here again regularly, and if so whether the you notice a huge shift or no shift at all in the person writing. Over the last year there have been several times I was reminded "oh yeah, I actually have a livejournal," and the thought was always the same: "God, I hope no one finds it. I'm sure its embarrassingly romantic or melodramatic." But today when I logged on to read a friend's private post, I was surprised with what I found here.
I do see a younger me, and in that youth there is a certain romanticism. But I'm surprised much more by the continuity -- many things I described about myself and even the way I describe them sound like I could have written them yesterday. And even though the poems may lack focus and be a little trite in some of the imagery, don't seem that bad -- certainly not embarrassing. (Trust me, I do have some poems from that time in my private file that *are* embarrassingly sappy).
In my life I focus a lot creating change in myself and try to distance myself from the past, but reading this reminds me that while a lot of surface stuff (and maybe a few deep things) have changed, my personality is basically the same. And that I *like* that personality. Some of the introspectiveness and insight -- the ability to combine adventure and routine -- the desire and ability to form meaningful connection with other people -- in essence some of the things I like most about myself have not come from change, but flow from who I have always been.
Some of the things I've sought to change or eliminate from my personality I see in a more positive light after reading this. Ever since I was in 7th grade I've been very harsh on myself for being "shy" or introverted and have pushed myself very hard to learn to be at ease and gregarious in social situations. Its true that for a long time I was painfully shy or awkward or simply not at ease in social groups, and its also true that I've made a long positive journey to being a leader and organizer of hiking events and couch surfing activities. I live in San Francisco now and go out to social events at least twice a week -- in fact one of the high points of most weeks is going to the "CS (Couchsurfing) Underground" on Wednesday and meeting new people. So there is the change, but the constancy is that even on Wednesday night, I still gravitate to talking to travelers and friends on a one-on-one basis. And while I enjoy going to parties, I don't feel the same sense of ease that I do with my close friends (Elika, you're the best!). I guess what I'm saying is simply: I've gained enough proficiency in socializing to enjoy it, but I'll probably never be the life of the party. And thats fine with me because I'm good at the close relationships with family and friends and I wouldn't trade that for all the social grace in the world.
Hehe. Its been a long time since I've written a journal entry (online or offline). I've forgotten how hard it is to do good writing about yourself!
Hmm... so there are the similarities, but I've changed a lot as well. Too much to summarize in one post, but I think the largest change has been about confidence and self esteem. I totally hate myself now. (Just kidding -- the change went in the positive direction of course.) I think moving to San Francisco, joining a men's team, going to counseling, breaking up with Vanessa, and joining couchsurfing have all contributed a lot to my sense of personal power. Perhaps the best way to capture the aspects of me that have changed is just by listing a few things I've done since 2004 (in rough chronological order), and you can probably infer the effect it had on my personality:
- Got a girlfriend (Vanessa)
- Had sex for the first time
- Got engaged
- Lived on my own (off campus)
- Experienced the wide range of joys and pains a (somewhat volatile) relationship can bring
- Graduated
- Moved to California
- Started a hiking group through work
- Started earning a very good salary
- Started working out and feeling great about my appearance.
- Slowly became very proficient at what I do at work
- Allowed my personal boundaries be crossed in several ways and then saw the consequences of that
- Realized that I'm actually very attractive as opposed to hopelessly awkard
- Joined a Men's Team (a group of men committed to helping men find their power and be the men they always wanted to be).
- Formed meaningful friendships with men for the first time in several years
- Moved to San Francisco
- Broke up with / got disengaged from Vanessa
- Joined Couch Surfing (awesome group -- see www.couchsuring.com or just google "couch".)
- Made lots of new friends in a short period of time.
- Realized that the world is just full of cool people who are open-minded, smart, and fun. And that I'm one of them!
I think that pretty well sums it up. Alright! Time to get out of my head and into my life -- to cook something and go be social at the SF CS Potluck! Man, I'm pretty lucky -- I really do like who I am and am so incredibly fortunate for the opportunities for growth that I've had in the last four years. The world really is a place of abundance!
I do see a younger me, and in that youth there is a certain romanticism. But I'm surprised much more by the continuity -- many things I described about myself and even the way I describe them sound like I could have written them yesterday. And even though the poems may lack focus and be a little trite in some of the imagery, don't seem that bad -- certainly not embarrassing. (Trust me, I do have some poems from that time in my private file that *are* embarrassingly sappy).
In my life I focus a lot creating change in myself and try to distance myself from the past, but reading this reminds me that while a lot of surface stuff (and maybe a few deep things) have changed, my personality is basically the same. And that I *like* that personality. Some of the introspectiveness and insight -- the ability to combine adventure and routine -- the desire and ability to form meaningful connection with other people -- in essence some of the things I like most about myself have not come from change, but flow from who I have always been.
Some of the things I've sought to change or eliminate from my personality I see in a more positive light after reading this. Ever since I was in 7th grade I've been very harsh on myself for being "shy" or introverted and have pushed myself very hard to learn to be at ease and gregarious in social situations. Its true that for a long time I was painfully shy or awkward or simply not at ease in social groups, and its also true that I've made a long positive journey to being a leader and organizer of hiking events and couch surfing activities. I live in San Francisco now and go out to social events at least twice a week -- in fact one of the high points of most weeks is going to the "CS (Couchsurfing) Underground" on Wednesday and meeting new people. So there is the change, but the constancy is that even on Wednesday night, I still gravitate to talking to travelers and friends on a one-on-one basis. And while I enjoy going to parties, I don't feel the same sense of ease that I do with my close friends (Elika, you're the best!). I guess what I'm saying is simply: I've gained enough proficiency in socializing to enjoy it, but I'll probably never be the life of the party. And thats fine with me because I'm good at the close relationships with family and friends and I wouldn't trade that for all the social grace in the world.
Hehe. Its been a long time since I've written a journal entry (online or offline). I've forgotten how hard it is to do good writing about yourself!
Hmm... so there are the similarities, but I've changed a lot as well. Too much to summarize in one post, but I think the largest change has been about confidence and self esteem. I totally hate myself now. (Just kidding -- the change went in the positive direction of course.) I think moving to San Francisco, joining a men's team, going to counseling, breaking up with Vanessa, and joining couchsurfing have all contributed a lot to my sense of personal power. Perhaps the best way to capture the aspects of me that have changed is just by listing a few things I've done since 2004 (in rough chronological order), and you can probably infer the effect it had on my personality:
- Got a girlfriend (Vanessa)
- Had sex for the first time
- Got engaged
- Lived on my own (off campus)
- Experienced the wide range of joys and pains a (somewhat volatile) relationship can bring
- Graduated
- Moved to California
- Started a hiking group through work
- Started earning a very good salary
- Started working out and feeling great about my appearance.
- Slowly became very proficient at what I do at work
- Allowed my personal boundaries be crossed in several ways and then saw the consequences of that
- Realized that I'm actually very attractive as opposed to hopelessly awkard
- Joined a Men's Team (a group of men committed to helping men find their power and be the men they always wanted to be).
- Formed meaningful friendships with men for the first time in several years
- Moved to San Francisco
- Broke up with / got disengaged from Vanessa
- Joined Couch Surfing (awesome group -- see www.couchsuring.com or just google "couch".)
- Made lots of new friends in a short period of time.
- Realized that the world is just full of cool people who are open-minded, smart, and fun. And that I'm one of them!
I think that pretty well sums it up. Alright! Time to get out of my head and into my life -- to cook something and go be social at the SF CS Potluck! Man, I'm pretty lucky -- I really do like who I am and am so incredibly fortunate for the opportunities for growth that I've had in the last four years. The world really is a place of abundance!