(no subject)
Sorry I haven't posted earlier it's just that I seem to be (I don't know if 'suffering' is the right word, but it'll have to do) -suffering from the opposite of what I was suffering from last year. I'll explain. Last year, for a large part of the year I was very homesick/lonely/didn't feel up to learning/call it what you will, so I spent very little time in the beit midrash by myself actually studying, most of my time in classes, and the rest of it in the computer room waiting for signs from the outside world that I missed so much. My LJ posts will bear me out on this.
This year (month), I just can't get enough of sitting in the beit midrash. For real. I'm really enjoying myself, and doing it only for me and not only for the appearance of sitting there. I'm having a real good time. At last. I guess it comes from finally getting to the point where I enjoy the learning and also partly because I can see the end looming ever closer so I'm trying to take advantage of as much time as I have. I'm learning a lot more on my own outside of classes, going to sleep at times I wouldn't have dreamed of last year, spending my free time there. And suddenly, the internet has become, not quite a distraction, but something that takes away from my learning time. Don't misunderstand me, I will continue to go on-line and write to you (more so, now that the computers finally work again; they were doing this on-again, off-again, thing for a while) I'm just analyzing my intellectual-emotional state.
I'm just having so much fun... I felt to wonderfully floaty after HaRav Koren's classes yesterday, I'd missed them so much, my favorite classes... The funny and slightly annoying thing is (I discussed this with Sara earlier), as far as I'm concerned I'm here at the end of my period of studying, the younger girls have just gotten here. I have to stop myself and be patient with them so that they can get through the first two weeks of midrasha and get, more or less, up to speed. I just want to have a chavruta with Naomi and with Michal already.
We went to a ma'ayan last night for dinner and an end-of-first-week check-in, just like we had last year. It was mostly the younger girls, some older girls back from the army, a few 'Elul' girls and me - one of the 'leftovers' from last year. We were asked to say one good thing we experienced this week and one hard thing (not necessarily a 'bad' thing). The other girls said things that reminded me very much of my first week: the girls are incredible, difficulty with gmara, fatigue, not being able to choose between classes, finally understanding a gmara, not being able to sit in the beit midrash by myself, etc. I said things that were different. I said it wasn't really fair for me to talk about a 'first week' and beginings because as far as I'm concerned I'm here at the end of my period of studying, the younger girls have just gotten here. It's both funny and slightly annoying. I have to stop myself and be patient with them so that they can get through the first two weeks of midrasha and get, more or less, up to speed. It's just I'm so eager to start learning with them seriously and I feel like I have so little time left... There were two other 'good and hard' things I thought of saying after my turn had passed. It is hard for me, it was especially hard when HaRav Gigi said it (a rav whom I now wish I could have taken his classes as well) when people say things like:"...and we'll learn that by the end of the year", "at the end of the year you'll do this...", "the way you'l feel at the end of the year..." all this talk of what's in store for them and how much more time they'll have just reminds me how little time I have left. I'm incredibly jealous. Just when I started liking it...
The 'good thing' was HaRav Koren's classes on Wednesday. They just made me feel so floatingly good. Another good thing is that I'm finally truly enjoying my studies and not putting up a front anymore. The hard thing that comes from that and the annoying thing is: why did it have to take me so long to get here?! I was immensely jealous of the girls who sat in the beit midrash last night until very late (early?). They managed to do that already after the very first, exhausting, week and it took me THIS long! It's not fair... I discussed this with Shikma and she agreed with me but she said that I had to go through my own process of growing, at my own speed and pace. But also that now I can look back and appreciate what I went through and what I've gotten to. And my Dad reminded me that there is life after I leave midrasha, different though it may be, when I can still learn, if I really want to and work hard at it.
Yeah, life IS complicated. But that's what makes it good.
So, two things I've done this week:
1. Gone to a rikidei am class with Roni and had a really fun and funny time. we decided after going to the Karmiel dance festival and seeing how many people know rikudei am and how little we know so we resolved to take classes together once we got back to midrasha. And we did. We were very proud of ourselves.
2. Felt quite a bit older and supposedly more knowledgeable. People keep coming up to me and asking me lamdush-like questions, most of which I actually know the answer too. Strange...
Shabbat Shalom, everybuggy!