Back?
I thought maybe I should write an entry in here since I haven't in longer than I can remember. A lot of things have been going on lately. I moved from Alexandria, VA to College Park, MD. My dad and Liz moved to Nashville, TN.
I've met a wonderful guy. And I don't mean just an okay wonderful guy. I mean he's really great and cares about me. I'm really not used to that. Anyone who knows my history with relationships knows that I've had some messed up, strange ones. Sometimes it's hard for past feelings, about relationships in general, not to creep up to the present. Fears, worries. We all have baggage. But I'm extremely hopeful. James is just as weird as me, and I love it.
I still have a less-than-ideal (crappy) job. It gives me just enough money to get by along in exchange for kissing ass for a living. I guess we all do that, in a way. What I can't stand is kissing ass and still not getting paid. Which happens frequently enough. Being a server is stressful for me too. I'm just not made for it. My coworkers always asked me why I always look so stressed out. Well, I am! I get worried about timing, food, restocking glasses, no butter, no hot bread, no ice, where is my food, the Coke needs changing, I just got double sat, AAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm sure it's not good for the blood pressure. I get lots of compliments. But I hate it when people say, "You're such a good waitress!" or "You have a great personality for this." NO!!!! I don't want to be doing this. Yesterday a customer gave me a hug as she was leaving. I have to admit, that was nice...
The fact that my life has been changing, falling into place in other ways, gives me more motivation to find something better. But sometimes I just get so bogged down. I've faced a lot of rejection in the past few years, and I wonder why. I did my time, I went to college and grad school, I made good grades. I think I'm smart. But sometimes I think I don't know enough about any one thing for anyone to give me a job doing it. I feel intimidated. I stop. I think twice. I lose confidence. I want this kind of thinking to stop.
I try to remind myself of things I've done that have been out of the ordinary. I've lived in other countries by myself, just picked up and moved with a couple of suitcases, not even knowing the language in one case. I managed to lose like 80 pounds fueled by sheer willpower. And somehow getting a steady job with benefits eludes me.
I know that my 氣 is totally out of whack. I think it would be worth some time spent to get my room into an nice state. Buy a chair. Buy a bedframe. Everything effects everything else. When qi ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. My qi is bad, I can't get any work done, I annoy people, and then I feel worse, and the cycle begins again.
Well, time to get on with my day. My car is getting an inspection. I hope it passes.
I've met a wonderful guy. And I don't mean just an okay wonderful guy. I mean he's really great and cares about me. I'm really not used to that. Anyone who knows my history with relationships knows that I've had some messed up, strange ones. Sometimes it's hard for past feelings, about relationships in general, not to creep up to the present. Fears, worries. We all have baggage. But I'm extremely hopeful. James is just as weird as me, and I love it.
I still have a less-than-ideal (crappy) job. It gives me just enough money to get by along in exchange for kissing ass for a living. I guess we all do that, in a way. What I can't stand is kissing ass and still not getting paid. Which happens frequently enough. Being a server is stressful for me too. I'm just not made for it. My coworkers always asked me why I always look so stressed out. Well, I am! I get worried about timing, food, restocking glasses, no butter, no hot bread, no ice, where is my food, the Coke needs changing, I just got double sat, AAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm sure it's not good for the blood pressure. I get lots of compliments. But I hate it when people say, "You're such a good waitress!" or "You have a great personality for this." NO!!!! I don't want to be doing this. Yesterday a customer gave me a hug as she was leaving. I have to admit, that was nice...
The fact that my life has been changing, falling into place in other ways, gives me more motivation to find something better. But sometimes I just get so bogged down. I've faced a lot of rejection in the past few years, and I wonder why. I did my time, I went to college and grad school, I made good grades. I think I'm smart. But sometimes I think I don't know enough about any one thing for anyone to give me a job doing it. I feel intimidated. I stop. I think twice. I lose confidence. I want this kind of thinking to stop.
I try to remind myself of things I've done that have been out of the ordinary. I've lived in other countries by myself, just picked up and moved with a couple of suitcases, not even knowing the language in one case. I managed to lose like 80 pounds fueled by sheer willpower. And somehow getting a steady job with benefits eludes me.
I know that my 氣 is totally out of whack. I think it would be worth some time spent to get my room into an nice state. Buy a chair. Buy a bedframe. Everything effects everything else. When qi ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. My qi is bad, I can't get any work done, I annoy people, and then I feel worse, and the cycle begins again.
Well, time to get on with my day. My car is getting an inspection. I hope it passes.