House of 1000 Changes (5/?) -- Continued.
House of 1000 Changes.
Chapter: Five -- Sigh.
Pairing: Jet/Zuko, a tiny bit of Mai/Zuko (IM SORRY, BUT IT'S ESSENTIAL TO THE PLOT).
Summary: AU. In a nutshell: Sokka, Suki + Jet throw a party. Sokka gives Zuko a quick makeover, after which Jet finds him slightly irresistible. Zuko is shocked to find that Suki invited a very unwanted visitor. Several cat fights occur. The Boulder disappears. Lesbians. Vagina. Tequila. Knife fights. Violent kisses. Faye Dunaway. Picklegate. And more!
Rating: NC-17 -- Chapter 6 onwards will be full of R-ratings! Don't you worry.
A/N: The not-so-anticipated chapter five! This chapter killed Boobs + I. Killed. We're dead inside. We planned on posting this months and months and months ago, but my laptop had a shit and Boobs' laptop got stolen. We had to rewrite this... TWICE! Thank you to our two, maybe three, fans out there. We hope you haven't forgotten about us. Any grammatical errors... can... erm... be attributed to Jet's drunken state. Yes. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, I'm just playing with them.
“Um… hi…” Jet tried.
“Hi.” She sighed, continuing to stare.
There was silence again. “… Did you want something?”
She sighed again. “Ugh, a change of skin, perhaps…”
Jet and Sokka exchanged looks, both equally confused. Who the hell is this? Jet thought, annoyed. There was a very long pause as Jet looked at Sokka, Sokka looked at her, she looked at Jet, Jet looked back at her and no one looked at Zuko, who was still fanning dust from his face.
“Um... We don’t have drugs… And we don’t keep cash in the house… And nothing here is worth stealing, except maybe that lamp… I strongly advise against stealing that lamp…” Jet said awkwardly.
She sighed. Again. “Ugh, I’m here for the party.”
Jet looked her up and down. “… You don’t look like it.” He said flatly.
Zuko had finally managed to fan all of the dust away from his face and was adjusting to his surroundings when the girl sighed again. At the sound, Zuko’s head jerked up. “Oh… fuck.”
“Hey Zuko,” she sighed again. This one was oddly impressive, as it lasted a good minute.
Who the hell sighs for a full minute? She must have massive lungs. My god… she’s the devil. My grandmother always warned about women with large lungs.
“Jet,” Sokka whispered harshly.
“I’m here,” he replied quickly.
“Where were you?”
“Nowhere special,” Jet sighed, it hurt. He cursed his small smoke-damaged lungs.
“What are you doing here?!” Zuko yelled, apparently channelling the wrath of the Karen Walker God.
“What are you doing here?” She sighed back, sighing(?).
“I LIVE HERE!”
“I’m allowed to go to parties, Zuko. You don’t own me,” She said flatly, Jet could tell she was inwardly sighing.
Now she’s just showing off.
“I have never once known you to party, you’re usually too busy knitting in your fucking rocking chair.” he said maliciously. Jet absorbed the passion in his voice, leaning slightly closer to get a better view of the raw, uninhibited beauty that was Angry Zuko. “Get it? You’re boring.”
Oh no he didn’t! Hahaha, love it. Who is this vampiric bitch anyway?
“If I could afford to lose the moisture, I would cry from the laughter that’s building up inside me,” she said blankly. “Cry -- like you do after sex. Only less.”
Everyone looked at Zuko, except Suki, who was hammering a nail into the wall with her stiletto.
“Firstly, you’re physically incapable of laughter. Secondly, THAT WAS ONE TIME! I FELL ONTO AN UPRIGHT NAIL! THE DOCTORS SAID I WAS LUCKY TO STILL BE WALKING! IT HURT!”
“There was no nail, Zuko.”
“THERE WAS A NAIL! I SHOWED IT TO YOU! WHILST IT WAS STILL IN MY SPINE! WHO INVITED YOU ANYWAY, MAI?”
Mai? As in… Mai? The starfishing gorilla ex-girlfriend bitch extraordinaire? That Mai? Or a different one? Intrigued, Jet leaned in just a little further. Accidently catching a whiff of Mai, he leaned straight back, wrinkling his nose and suppressing the urge to vomit. Why does she smell like Dick... Cheney. Jet giggled to himself. But seriously, Cheney smells bad.
“MAI!” Suki, who had finally finished gluing and thumping the wall back together, realised that there was a fight going on. She ran towards Mai, throwing an unavoidable hug around her. Mai attempted to dodge, but Suki proved crafty and ensnared her. Mai wriggled and squirmed, and attempted to plunge a concealed blade into Suki’s neck - Suki once again proved crafty, dodging the stabs calmly and gracefully, as if she were swaying to the Night of the Dancing Flame.
“YOU INVITED HER?” Zuko was aghast - betrayed, by his own roommate.
“Ah, c’mon Zuko, she probably didn’t know,” Sokka attempted to reason.
“Oh, she knew,” Jet eyed Suki, who attempted to evade his gaze.
“What? What’s going on? You two used to go out? I had no idea,” Suki said airily, waving her arms in the air.
“I never said anything about going out with her,” Zuko narrowed his eyes.
“Dammit,” she whispered harshly to herself. “Fine, I knew. But she’s my friend; I couldn’t just not invite her!”
Mai sighed. They looked her expectantly... there was no follow up.
“How do you even know her?” Zuko asked.
“Well… since Picklegate,” Suki said dreamily, looking up at the roof to collect her thoughts. Jet groaned. “When I was driving, I got a call from the Cabbage Merchant - you know, Weshena? My Stalker? Anyway, she called me, whilst I was trying to eat my cheeseburger - this was all before the actual pickle incident of course…”
“GET TO THE POINT!” Zuko boomed, clearly miffed.
“I know Ty Lee, Ty Lee knows Azula and Azula knows Mai.”
“You know Azula?” Zuko’s eyes nearly popped out of his head - evidently even more miffed by this news.
“Yeah, I invited her tonight.”
“WHAT?”
“She’s parking the car,” Mai said brightly. Jet looked confusedly at her. After a minute of absolute silence and staring, she sighed. Jet was oddly relieved - as if the sigh had become his heartbeat.
They all turned to look at Zuko, but he was already gone. Jet followed the cloud of plaster dust, that had formed a Zuko-like shape every metre or so to the kitchen. They all looked into the kitchen.
“UNCLE!” Zuko yelled, “SHE’S HERE!”
“I HEARD!” Iroh replied, smashing a teapot against a bench.
“Wow, Uncle. I was just letting you know… so, you know… you could avoid her or something. I definitely did not mean arm yourself.”
“Zuko, that bitch is crazy and needs to go down. Last time I saw her she pulled a knife on me!”
“Uncle, how many times do I have to tell you that did not happen? She did not pull a knife on you, she was buttering her toast.”
“ON MY NECK?”
“Yeah… it’s kinda her process,” he looked off into the distance, his face a collage of gassy faces and horror.
Jet made a mental note to buy some more milk, steal another teapot from the restaurant, and ask Zuko about this whole neck-toast-buttering thing. Jet liked making lists. Jet liked making lists very much. He hummed his satisfaction, but was abruptly interrupted with a rough shove into a nearby wall.
“What the fuck?” Jet yelped, massaging his now very sore forehead. He spun around to see Mai walking away, her middle finger raised in the air for him to see. Fury, or bile, or possibly furious bile, rose in his throat. He could hit her. No one would care. He could push into the fireplace, just like those retarded children did to that old crone who lived at the end of the street in a gingerbread house. Jet decided against this, and not because he didn’t own a fireplace, because he was kind of afraid of her - she was walking… but Jet couldn’t see her feet moving. It was as if she was hovering along the ground.
Jet decided to fetch his stash of holy water. He’d watched enough Supernatural to know that if there is someone that you instinctively distrust, they’re probably a demon. Or sometimes the demons are the people you do trust, which is why Jet blessed the shower water at 4:00am every morning.
“Suki, why’d you invite her? Zuko lives here! He doesn’t need this. She brought his sister!” Sokka’s voice was tired, even angry. He clearly felt bad for Zuko. Jet had no idea that Zuko confided in Sokka about his sister or Mai. Then again, Jet didn’t know about most things that occurred between the hours of 12am and 12pm. Apart from the fact that the shower water would get blessed between those hours.
“I don’t... I guess I just wasn’t thinking.”
“You were being selfish.” Sokka accused.
“Sokka, I’m sorry.” Suki’s eyes darted to the ground, as if she were trying to find a convenient explanation for her actions lying on the floor. Jet could even see that she was blinking back a single guilty tear.
“Don’t apologise to me, Suki! Apologise to Zuko! I can’t believe you did this! Selfish!” Sokka pressed on, getting louder with each and every word.
Suki cracked. She grabbed Sokka’s accusing finger and pulled him in close. “You’re not one to be calling anyone selfish, Sokka! You’re so wrapped up in your little hospital world that you don’t even give a shit about us anymore.” Her eyes were wild, furious, and feline - Jet knew this meant danger.
“Sorry I can’t ignore all the sick people to come approve your choice of clothes every day,” he retorted dryly.
Suki opened her mouth to retaliate, but was violently shoved to the floor before she could say a word “What the dick?” She yelled loudly. She looked around confusedly. Never in her whole life had she been shoved to the floor in such a non-sexual manner.
Jet had seen the whole thing in slow motion. It was kind of funny. The culprit, who was emitting an odd gurgling noise, had shuffled through the door, with his head down, before moments later tripping over Suki and then rolling into the fireplace, which Jet had drawn onto the wall with crayon.
Suki spotted the odd man, getting up slowly and pulling a knife from between her boobs. “Let’s do this,” she said in a deep husky voice, licking the blade seductively.
Jet grabbed the knife, “Calm down, Suki. It was accident.”
“Cuh, fine.” she said grumpily, “If you need me I’ll be on, I mean... with... Haru.” Just as she was out of each shot, Sokka and Jet groaned in unison.
“Who was he?” Sokka said, suppressing a small giggle.
“I have no idea,” Jet replied, “but I’m going to find out. Look at this trail of drool! Who does that?”
“I’m not cleaning that up,” Sokka said disgustedly, “I get enough of that at work.”
“Cleaning drool?”
“And poop.”
And with that, Jet left. He followed the drool curiously, almost excited to know where it led - forgetting briefly that he knew his way around his own house. That was when he noticed the yelling. Jet rushed into the kitchen, afraid that Suki had brought the knife out again.
“AND WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?” Zuko yelled.
Mai sighed loudly, it shook the windows with its power. “This is my new boyfriend, Frothing-At-Mouth-guy.”
Jet wondered why she called him Frothing-At-Mouth-guy, up until he started frothing violently at the mouth. He flung his arms in the air and threw himself against a wall, convulsing and... frothing madly.
“Uh… is he okay?” Zuko asked, puzzled and worried.
“He’s fine,” Mai exhaled noisily (A/N: “sigh” doesn’t even sound like a word anymore), “don’t look at him. He understands me.”
“Is that how he shows it?” Jet muttered to Suki, who was pulling some of her belongings out of Ty Lee’s handbag.
The whole party had stopped to stare at Mai and Zuko. Admittedly, it was quite interesting. There was mouth frothing, and loud exhaling, and even some Angry Zuko. Mmm, Angry Zuko, Jet thought to himself.
“What is there to understand about you Mai? There is nothing to you! You’re completely one dimensional! You’re just a big pale sighing blah!”
“Yeah, well, you’re impotent,” Mai hissed.
Zuko flushed red. “We both know that that is not true.”
“Whatever, Zuko,” Mai sighed yet again.
They both stared at each other for a little while.
“Bonus night?” Zuko suggested.
Mai sighed in agreement. They both left the kitchen, leaving Mai’s boyfriend… well, frothing at the mouth and violently bashing his head against a wall.
Jet had no idea what just happened. What the hell is a bonus night? Is that some kind of queer-straight thing? He shrugged. Maybe by “bonus night”, he meant “Come this way and prepare your skull as I’m going to bash your head in”. Jet hoped so. Dearly.
“FROOOOOOOOOOTH!!” Yelled Frothing-At-Mouth guy from the floor.
Oh, yeah. Jet turned to examine Frothing-At-Mouth guy, who was sitting cross-legged and looking up at Jet in the middle of the kitchen floor. He was still for a moment, before squirting a small amount of froth out of the corner of his mouth.
Jet stared confusedly. “Are… you ok?”
“Yeah,” Frothing-At-Mouth guy replied simply. “I’m fine. I just need to be left alone for a while.”
“Do you want to go and… froth… outside?”
“No. I’d like to stay here. Could you please throw a rug over me?”
Jet looked down his nose at him. After a long, contemplative pause he said “Very well, sir. I will play your game.” Jet then threw a rug over Frothing-At-Mouth guy, who was motionless underneath. Jet stared for a moment and then got the salt from the pantry and drew a line of salt around him.
“Everyone!” Jet called to the room. “This is very important; do not break this line of salt! I’m serious, for the rest of the night, the line of salt surrounding this guy must not be broken or the repercussions will be catastrophic!”
Twelve Shots Later
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Jet licked the last of the salt off of the floor before shotting his tequila and then biting into a lime, draining it’s juice until it was a but a pale green husk on the floor. Frothing-At-Mouth guy was still motionless under his rug. Jet got up, steadying himself against the kitchen bench and surveyed his surroundings.
Ty Lee was busy attempting to smuggle an armchair out the door, but Suki had caught on and jumped onto her back. They eyed each other for a moment and then scragged. It was epic. After Suki ripped out a chunk of Ty Lee’s eyebrow they stopped and eyed each other again, before making out violently. It was weird. Toph and her girlfriend were making out aggressively in the corner, so much so that Toph was actually brutally pulling chunks out of the couch. Oh, isn’t that sweet? Jet thought to himself. Sera had managed to sneakily remove Moira’s bra without her noticing, and was now smelling it in a corner. Hakoda and Yue were flirting intensely, much to Hahn’s dismay and Sokka’s disgust. Aunt Wu knocked back a martini and spat the toothpick out on Haru, who stood in the middle of the living room awkwardly and scratched his head.
However, Jet’s attention was captured by the intense knife fight that was happening between Azula and Iroh. They circled each other, Azula glaring menacingly, Iroh smiling pleasantly, but with an edge! Azula lunged then backflipped, Iroh ducked then slashed. They circled some more, then Iroh took initiative and threw a punch. Azula stopped this by biting his fist. Iroh didn’t hesitate; he seized the chance and threw her across the room. Azula, however, managed to land on her feet, poised and ready, like a praying mantis. Jet lost interest.
“FROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!!”
“What?” Jet looked around, confused. The voice had not come from Frothing-At-Mouth guy, as he was still motionless under the rug and this voice was more piercing. And female. Maybe.
Standing in the doorway, with a gnarled and bony finger outstretched toward Frothing-At-Mouth guy, was a beast. Jet’s immediate instinct was to call Sam & Dean, as standing before him was a creature of darkness, like none he had ever seen before. He prepared his damaged lungs to scream “rape”, then Sokka walked in front of him, mouth agape.
“What… the… fu--,” Sokka started.
“THAT GUY IS FROTHING! I WOULD KNOW -- I’M A DOCTOR!” She shimmied violently, her left boob (the right fastened to her left knee) hit a nearby vase, obliterating it on impact. Jet reached for the salt bottle, finding it to be empty from all the tequila slammers.
“Crap!” he whispered, looking for something pointy and wooden.
The demon shimmed toward Sokka, who stood motionless and wide-eyed. Oh no! She has ensnared him! Jet snapped off a chair leg and armed himself.
“Hello Nurse Sokka,” said the demon, “one who has seen THE EYE!!!”
“What eye?” He cowered.
“That guy in 304,” she said casually, “pretty nasty eye infection, huh?”
“Yes, Chief Dunaway”
“CHIEF-OF-MEDICINE!!!”
“Sorry,” he cried, “Chief-of-Medicine Dunaway.”
“FAYE!!!”
“CHIEF-OF-MEDICINE FAYE DUNAWAY!” Sokka dropped to his knees, sobbing and guarding his face.
“YOU KNOW THIS,” She stuck a finger into his chest. “Ooh,” she paused and narrowed her eyes seductively, “déjà vu.” She was still for a moment, and then shimmied away into the darkness.
Jet had been watching, confused and still holding the chair leg, and couldn’t help but wonder what the hell kind of hospital Sokka worked at. “Uh… Sokka…” Jet approached Sokka, who was now rocking backwards and forwards on the ground.
“DON’T ASK,” Sokka wailed, clutching his chest, “And don’t tell.”
Jet whirled around to close the door, only to find himself nose-to-nose with a punk-looking girl.
“June?” he whispered.
“Hello homo,” she said pointedly.
“JUNE!” He threw a hug around her, which she didn’t reciprocate. “You finally came to one of our parties! I’m so happy you could make it!”
She pushed him into a wall. “I didn’t come for you, I came for the bitch.”
“What bitch?” He asked, concerned.
“You know the bitch!”
“There’s no bitch.”
“There’s a bitch. Where’s the bitch? The bitch who stole my boyfriend.” As she said this, Ty Lee pranced into view. June narrowed her eyes viciously. “There’s the bitch,” she growled.
Ty Lee looked at June, with a too-wide smile, that threatened to engulf her face. “Oh hey, June,” she said joyously. Moments passed. “Fuck,” she whispered pleasantly.
June balled up her hands into tight fists. She punched the nearest wall, which just happened to be mere centimetres away from Jet’s head. She pulled out an old forgotten doorbell, crushing it in her fingers and throwing it to the ground. She let out an almighty roar and lunged at Ty Lee.
Jet looked at the wall. “People need to stop doing that,” he said, sadly. The wall would have to wait for now; there was a girl fight happening.
Ty Lee and June were locked in a death grip, both screaming in what was either pain or anger. Most likely angry pain.
There’s about to be a girl fight…
The music roared, obliterating yet another nearby vase. “SOKKA!” Jet screamed, “That’s very inappropriate.”
“But there’s about to be... a what?”
“A girl fight,” Suki confirmed.
A mass of people walked into the living room, having heard that there was about to be (A/N: A what?) a girl fight.
“Well, as long as they’re fighting… WHO WANTS TO MAKE BETS?” Suki hollered.
“I GOT 20 ON JUNE!”
“50 ON TY LEE! IVE SEEN THAT GIRL TIE HERSELF IN A KNOT… it’s kinda hawt.”
“NO WAY MAN, JUNE HAS THE MOST POWERFUL THIGHS I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED!”
“Well, who do you think is gonna win?” Jet whispered to Sokka.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go for Ty Lee. She may steal our shit, but you know... we go way back.”
“WHOA! WHERE DID HER LEGS GO?”
“Oh… there they are.”
“I feel like we shouldn’t be watching this… NO WAY, IS HER FOOT IN HER MOUTH?”
“No, that’s ridiculous… oh, wow it is.”
“Is it wrong that I’m completely aroused by this?”
“I want her face.” Chief-Of-Medicine Faye Dunaway stated matter-of-factly.
“Oh, down Ty Lee goes.”
“Whoa, good recovery, right in the vag.”
“Yeah, I don’t think June is coming back from that.”
“Oh, yep, she did.”
“THE BOULDER HAS ARRIVED!” A large man stood in the doorway with his arms triumphantly raised in the air. Once he saw the girls, however, he lowered his arms cautiously.
The fight stopped. Both girls slowly lowered their arms, spitting out respective bloody earlobes.
“THERE HE IS!” June screeched.
“GET HIM!” Ty Lee roared.
“THE BOULDER IS FUCKED!” screamed the… well, you know, The Boulder.
Ty Lee matrixed through the air, landing on his head. June thundered after the both of them. They disappeared into the darkness.
“THE BOULDER IS RUNNING! THE BOULDER IS BEING PUNCHED! THE BOLDER IS--AAAAHHHHHHHHH… THE… BOULDER... der... the… Boul… Bo… The… B...”
The Boulder was never seen or heard from again. Rumour has it that he moved to Hawaii, where he now owns and operates a successful pineapple farm.
“Oh yeah, this is just where I was hoping this evening was going...” crooned the voice of Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway from directly behind Jet, who flinched. How long has she been standing there? Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway had her eye on Suki, who was now doing the Macarena with Moira and Sera. That was quick... Jet thought to himself. Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway pulled a large knife from her gum-boot and advanced on Suki, approaching her with such magnetism that Suki was caught like a deer in headlights as Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway backed her up against a wall. She ran the knife down the side of Suki’s face.
“You got a real pretty face...” She breathed into Suki’s ear. Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway was notorious for removing the faces of much younger girls and passing them off as her own. Jet had always wondered if it was true; after meeting Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway he’d begun to believe it very well could be...
Suki calmly raised her arm and slowly moved the knife away from her face. Keep it together, Suki! - it was one of the rare moments of telepathy between Jet and Suki. “I know,” she said almost too evenly, “would you please excuse me?” She calmly turned and left the scene. Once Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway had set her sights on another, Suki immediately began hyperventilating and ran to the bathroom, where she proceeded to splash her face and check for cuts, all the while, frantically babbling “Oh my fuck, I nearly died!” to herself over and over again. Once she was over the initial shock, she braced herself against the doorframe and muttered “Where’s Haru?” She was clearly in need of some I-Nearly-Died sex.
The end of the century, I said my goodbyes.
For what it’s worth I always aim to please,
But I nearly died.
For what it’s worth, come on lay with me,
Cause I’m on fire. For what it’s worth
I’d tear the sun in three, to light up your eyes.
Woohoo! The Placebo part of the playlist has begun... Jet thought happily to himself. On that note, he wondered where Zuko was - only just realising that Zuko had actually disappeared about... twelve shots ago? Eh, who’s counting? Jet’s immediate worry was that Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway had cut his face off, but this fear was alleviated when he spotted her apparently doing some sort of traditional Jewish dance - with her arms folded across her chest, she bounced up and down, whilst kicking her legs out in the middle of the living room surrounded by cheering and clapping people.
Jet began wandering around in an attempt to find Zuko, all the while wondering whether or not there had been any chemistry between them that night or if he had he been imagining it. He knew it would be a bad idea to do anything... wouldn’t it? Jet opened Zuko’s bedroom door and froze.
Over the sound of the music, people and Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway, as well as each other, it made sense that Zuko and Mai didn’t notice Jet in the doorway, as he stood immobile, inwardly screaming at himself to move or close the door. Something. He simply stared, almost curiously at what was in front of him. Zuko had his head craned back, with his eyes shut and his mouth open slightly, as Mai, gripping his hair, with her head buried in his neck, moved on top of him. Zuko flopped his head down, his mouth moving over her collarbone and down her chest - fingers digging into her back. She then took his head firmly in her hands and kissed him forcefully on the mouth, spurring him to drive her onto her back.
It was this moment that Jet seemed to regain his basic motor functions and managed to spin around and close the door behind him without being noticed. He clamped his hand over his mouth, wondering if perhaps he just kept his hand there, everything would just stay inside him.
No one cares when you’re out on the street,
Picking up the pieces to make ends meet.
No one cares when you’re down in the gutter,
Got no friends, got no lover...
Chapter: Five -- Sigh.
Pairing: Jet/Zuko, a tiny bit of Mai/Zuko (IM SORRY, BUT IT'S ESSENTIAL TO THE PLOT).
Summary: AU. In a nutshell: Sokka, Suki + Jet throw a party. Sokka gives Zuko a quick makeover, after which Jet finds him slightly irresistible. Zuko is shocked to find that Suki invited a very unwanted visitor. Several cat fights occur. The Boulder disappears. Lesbians. Vagina. Tequila. Knife fights. Violent kisses. Faye Dunaway. Picklegate. And more!
Rating: NC-17 -- Chapter 6 onwards will be full of R-ratings! Don't you worry.
A/N: The not-so-anticipated chapter five! This chapter killed Boobs + I. Killed. We're dead inside. We planned on posting this months and months and months ago, but my laptop had a shit and Boobs' laptop got stolen. We had to rewrite this... TWICE! Thank you to our two, maybe three, fans out there. We hope you haven't forgotten about us. Any grammatical errors... can... erm... be attributed to Jet's drunken state. Yes. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, I'm just playing with them.
“Um… hi…” Jet tried.
“Hi.” She sighed, continuing to stare.
There was silence again. “… Did you want something?”
She sighed again. “Ugh, a change of skin, perhaps…”
Jet and Sokka exchanged looks, both equally confused. Who the hell is this? Jet thought, annoyed. There was a very long pause as Jet looked at Sokka, Sokka looked at her, she looked at Jet, Jet looked back at her and no one looked at Zuko, who was still fanning dust from his face.
“Um... We don’t have drugs… And we don’t keep cash in the house… And nothing here is worth stealing, except maybe that lamp… I strongly advise against stealing that lamp…” Jet said awkwardly.
She sighed. Again. “Ugh, I’m here for the party.”
Jet looked her up and down. “… You don’t look like it.” He said flatly.
Zuko had finally managed to fan all of the dust away from his face and was adjusting to his surroundings when the girl sighed again. At the sound, Zuko’s head jerked up. “Oh… fuck.”
“Hey Zuko,” she sighed again. This one was oddly impressive, as it lasted a good minute.
Who the hell sighs for a full minute? She must have massive lungs. My god… she’s the devil. My grandmother always warned about women with large lungs.
“Jet,” Sokka whispered harshly.
“I’m here,” he replied quickly.
“Where were you?”
“Nowhere special,” Jet sighed, it hurt. He cursed his small smoke-damaged lungs.
“What are you doing here?!” Zuko yelled, apparently channelling the wrath of the Karen Walker God.
“What are you doing here?” She sighed back, sighing(?).
“I LIVE HERE!”
“I’m allowed to go to parties, Zuko. You don’t own me,” She said flatly, Jet could tell she was inwardly sighing.
Now she’s just showing off.
“I have never once known you to party, you’re usually too busy knitting in your fucking rocking chair.” he said maliciously. Jet absorbed the passion in his voice, leaning slightly closer to get a better view of the raw, uninhibited beauty that was Angry Zuko. “Get it? You’re boring.”
Oh no he didn’t! Hahaha, love it. Who is this vampiric bitch anyway?
“If I could afford to lose the moisture, I would cry from the laughter that’s building up inside me,” she said blankly. “Cry -- like you do after sex. Only less.”
Everyone looked at Zuko, except Suki, who was hammering a nail into the wall with her stiletto.
“Firstly, you’re physically incapable of laughter. Secondly, THAT WAS ONE TIME! I FELL ONTO AN UPRIGHT NAIL! THE DOCTORS SAID I WAS LUCKY TO STILL BE WALKING! IT HURT!”
“There was no nail, Zuko.”
“THERE WAS A NAIL! I SHOWED IT TO YOU! WHILST IT WAS STILL IN MY SPINE! WHO INVITED YOU ANYWAY, MAI?”
Mai? As in… Mai? The starfishing gorilla ex-girlfriend bitch extraordinaire? That Mai? Or a different one? Intrigued, Jet leaned in just a little further. Accidently catching a whiff of Mai, he leaned straight back, wrinkling his nose and suppressing the urge to vomit. Why does she smell like Dick... Cheney. Jet giggled to himself. But seriously, Cheney smells bad.
“MAI!” Suki, who had finally finished gluing and thumping the wall back together, realised that there was a fight going on. She ran towards Mai, throwing an unavoidable hug around her. Mai attempted to dodge, but Suki proved crafty and ensnared her. Mai wriggled and squirmed, and attempted to plunge a concealed blade into Suki’s neck - Suki once again proved crafty, dodging the stabs calmly and gracefully, as if she were swaying to the Night of the Dancing Flame.
“YOU INVITED HER?” Zuko was aghast - betrayed, by his own roommate.
“Ah, c’mon Zuko, she probably didn’t know,” Sokka attempted to reason.
“Oh, she knew,” Jet eyed Suki, who attempted to evade his gaze.
“What? What’s going on? You two used to go out? I had no idea,” Suki said airily, waving her arms in the air.
“I never said anything about going out with her,” Zuko narrowed his eyes.
“Dammit,” she whispered harshly to herself. “Fine, I knew. But she’s my friend; I couldn’t just not invite her!”
Mai sighed. They looked her expectantly... there was no follow up.
“How do you even know her?” Zuko asked.
“Well… since Picklegate,” Suki said dreamily, looking up at the roof to collect her thoughts. Jet groaned. “When I was driving, I got a call from the Cabbage Merchant - you know, Weshena? My Stalker? Anyway, she called me, whilst I was trying to eat my cheeseburger - this was all before the actual pickle incident of course…”
“GET TO THE POINT!” Zuko boomed, clearly miffed.
“I know Ty Lee, Ty Lee knows Azula and Azula knows Mai.”
“You know Azula?” Zuko’s eyes nearly popped out of his head - evidently even more miffed by this news.
“Yeah, I invited her tonight.”
“WHAT?”
“She’s parking the car,” Mai said brightly. Jet looked confusedly at her. After a minute of absolute silence and staring, she sighed. Jet was oddly relieved - as if the sigh had become his heartbeat.
They all turned to look at Zuko, but he was already gone. Jet followed the cloud of plaster dust, that had formed a Zuko-like shape every metre or so to the kitchen. They all looked into the kitchen.
“UNCLE!” Zuko yelled, “SHE’S HERE!”
“I HEARD!” Iroh replied, smashing a teapot against a bench.
“Wow, Uncle. I was just letting you know… so, you know… you could avoid her or something. I definitely did not mean arm yourself.”
“Zuko, that bitch is crazy and needs to go down. Last time I saw her she pulled a knife on me!”
“Uncle, how many times do I have to tell you that did not happen? She did not pull a knife on you, she was buttering her toast.”
“ON MY NECK?”
“Yeah… it’s kinda her process,” he looked off into the distance, his face a collage of gassy faces and horror.
Jet made a mental note to buy some more milk, steal another teapot from the restaurant, and ask Zuko about this whole neck-toast-buttering thing. Jet liked making lists. Jet liked making lists very much. He hummed his satisfaction, but was abruptly interrupted with a rough shove into a nearby wall.
“What the fuck?” Jet yelped, massaging his now very sore forehead. He spun around to see Mai walking away, her middle finger raised in the air for him to see. Fury, or bile, or possibly furious bile, rose in his throat. He could hit her. No one would care. He could push into the fireplace, just like those retarded children did to that old crone who lived at the end of the street in a gingerbread house. Jet decided against this, and not because he didn’t own a fireplace, because he was kind of afraid of her - she was walking… but Jet couldn’t see her feet moving. It was as if she was hovering along the ground.
Jet decided to fetch his stash of holy water. He’d watched enough Supernatural to know that if there is someone that you instinctively distrust, they’re probably a demon. Or sometimes the demons are the people you do trust, which is why Jet blessed the shower water at 4:00am every morning.
“Suki, why’d you invite her? Zuko lives here! He doesn’t need this. She brought his sister!” Sokka’s voice was tired, even angry. He clearly felt bad for Zuko. Jet had no idea that Zuko confided in Sokka about his sister or Mai. Then again, Jet didn’t know about most things that occurred between the hours of 12am and 12pm. Apart from the fact that the shower water would get blessed between those hours.
“I don’t... I guess I just wasn’t thinking.”
“You were being selfish.” Sokka accused.
“Sokka, I’m sorry.” Suki’s eyes darted to the ground, as if she were trying to find a convenient explanation for her actions lying on the floor. Jet could even see that she was blinking back a single guilty tear.
“Don’t apologise to me, Suki! Apologise to Zuko! I can’t believe you did this! Selfish!” Sokka pressed on, getting louder with each and every word.
Suki cracked. She grabbed Sokka’s accusing finger and pulled him in close. “You’re not one to be calling anyone selfish, Sokka! You’re so wrapped up in your little hospital world that you don’t even give a shit about us anymore.” Her eyes were wild, furious, and feline - Jet knew this meant danger.
“Sorry I can’t ignore all the sick people to come approve your choice of clothes every day,” he retorted dryly.
Suki opened her mouth to retaliate, but was violently shoved to the floor before she could say a word “What the dick?” She yelled loudly. She looked around confusedly. Never in her whole life had she been shoved to the floor in such a non-sexual manner.
Jet had seen the whole thing in slow motion. It was kind of funny. The culprit, who was emitting an odd gurgling noise, had shuffled through the door, with his head down, before moments later tripping over Suki and then rolling into the fireplace, which Jet had drawn onto the wall with crayon.
Suki spotted the odd man, getting up slowly and pulling a knife from between her boobs. “Let’s do this,” she said in a deep husky voice, licking the blade seductively.
Jet grabbed the knife, “Calm down, Suki. It was accident.”
“Cuh, fine.” she said grumpily, “If you need me I’ll be on, I mean... with... Haru.” Just as she was out of each shot, Sokka and Jet groaned in unison.
“Who was he?” Sokka said, suppressing a small giggle.
“I have no idea,” Jet replied, “but I’m going to find out. Look at this trail of drool! Who does that?”
“I’m not cleaning that up,” Sokka said disgustedly, “I get enough of that at work.”
“Cleaning drool?”
“And poop.”
And with that, Jet left. He followed the drool curiously, almost excited to know where it led - forgetting briefly that he knew his way around his own house. That was when he noticed the yelling. Jet rushed into the kitchen, afraid that Suki had brought the knife out again.
“AND WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?” Zuko yelled.
Mai sighed loudly, it shook the windows with its power. “This is my new boyfriend, Frothing-At-Mouth-guy.”
Jet wondered why she called him Frothing-At-Mouth-guy, up until he started frothing violently at the mouth. He flung his arms in the air and threw himself against a wall, convulsing and... frothing madly.
“Uh… is he okay?” Zuko asked, puzzled and worried.
“He’s fine,” Mai exhaled noisily (A/N: “sigh” doesn’t even sound like a word anymore), “don’t look at him. He understands me.”
“Is that how he shows it?” Jet muttered to Suki, who was pulling some of her belongings out of Ty Lee’s handbag.
The whole party had stopped to stare at Mai and Zuko. Admittedly, it was quite interesting. There was mouth frothing, and loud exhaling, and even some Angry Zuko. Mmm, Angry Zuko, Jet thought to himself.
“What is there to understand about you Mai? There is nothing to you! You’re completely one dimensional! You’re just a big pale sighing blah!”
“Yeah, well, you’re impotent,” Mai hissed.
Zuko flushed red. “We both know that that is not true.”
“Whatever, Zuko,” Mai sighed yet again.
They both stared at each other for a little while.
“Bonus night?” Zuko suggested.
Mai sighed in agreement. They both left the kitchen, leaving Mai’s boyfriend… well, frothing at the mouth and violently bashing his head against a wall.
Jet had no idea what just happened. What the hell is a bonus night? Is that some kind of queer-straight thing? He shrugged. Maybe by “bonus night”, he meant “Come this way and prepare your skull as I’m going to bash your head in”. Jet hoped so. Dearly.
“FROOOOOOOOOOTH!!” Yelled Frothing-At-Mouth guy from the floor.
Oh, yeah. Jet turned to examine Frothing-At-Mouth guy, who was sitting cross-legged and looking up at Jet in the middle of the kitchen floor. He was still for a moment, before squirting a small amount of froth out of the corner of his mouth.
Jet stared confusedly. “Are… you ok?”
“Yeah,” Frothing-At-Mouth guy replied simply. “I’m fine. I just need to be left alone for a while.”
“Do you want to go and… froth… outside?”
“No. I’d like to stay here. Could you please throw a rug over me?”
Jet looked down his nose at him. After a long, contemplative pause he said “Very well, sir. I will play your game.” Jet then threw a rug over Frothing-At-Mouth guy, who was motionless underneath. Jet stared for a moment and then got the salt from the pantry and drew a line of salt around him.
“Everyone!” Jet called to the room. “This is very important; do not break this line of salt! I’m serious, for the rest of the night, the line of salt surrounding this guy must not be broken or the repercussions will be catastrophic!”
Twelve Shots Later
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Jet licked the last of the salt off of the floor before shotting his tequila and then biting into a lime, draining it’s juice until it was a but a pale green husk on the floor. Frothing-At-Mouth guy was still motionless under his rug. Jet got up, steadying himself against the kitchen bench and surveyed his surroundings.
Ty Lee was busy attempting to smuggle an armchair out the door, but Suki had caught on and jumped onto her back. They eyed each other for a moment and then scragged. It was epic. After Suki ripped out a chunk of Ty Lee’s eyebrow they stopped and eyed each other again, before making out violently. It was weird. Toph and her girlfriend were making out aggressively in the corner, so much so that Toph was actually brutally pulling chunks out of the couch. Oh, isn’t that sweet? Jet thought to himself. Sera had managed to sneakily remove Moira’s bra without her noticing, and was now smelling it in a corner. Hakoda and Yue were flirting intensely, much to Hahn’s dismay and Sokka’s disgust. Aunt Wu knocked back a martini and spat the toothpick out on Haru, who stood in the middle of the living room awkwardly and scratched his head.
However, Jet’s attention was captured by the intense knife fight that was happening between Azula and Iroh. They circled each other, Azula glaring menacingly, Iroh smiling pleasantly, but with an edge! Azula lunged then backflipped, Iroh ducked then slashed. They circled some more, then Iroh took initiative and threw a punch. Azula stopped this by biting his fist. Iroh didn’t hesitate; he seized the chance and threw her across the room. Azula, however, managed to land on her feet, poised and ready, like a praying mantis. Jet lost interest.
“FROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!!”
“What?” Jet looked around, confused. The voice had not come from Frothing-At-Mouth guy, as he was still motionless under the rug and this voice was more piercing. And female. Maybe.
Standing in the doorway, with a gnarled and bony finger outstretched toward Frothing-At-Mouth guy, was a beast. Jet’s immediate instinct was to call Sam & Dean, as standing before him was a creature of darkness, like none he had ever seen before. He prepared his damaged lungs to scream “rape”, then Sokka walked in front of him, mouth agape.
“What… the… fu--,” Sokka started.
“THAT GUY IS FROTHING! I WOULD KNOW -- I’M A DOCTOR!” She shimmied violently, her left boob (the right fastened to her left knee) hit a nearby vase, obliterating it on impact. Jet reached for the salt bottle, finding it to be empty from all the tequila slammers.
“Crap!” he whispered, looking for something pointy and wooden.
The demon shimmed toward Sokka, who stood motionless and wide-eyed. Oh no! She has ensnared him! Jet snapped off a chair leg and armed himself.
“Hello Nurse Sokka,” said the demon, “one who has seen THE EYE!!!”
“What eye?” He cowered.
“That guy in 304,” she said casually, “pretty nasty eye infection, huh?”
“Yes, Chief Dunaway”
“CHIEF-OF-MEDICINE!!!”
“Sorry,” he cried, “Chief-of-Medicine Dunaway.”
“FAYE!!!”
“CHIEF-OF-MEDICINE FAYE DUNAWAY!” Sokka dropped to his knees, sobbing and guarding his face.
“YOU KNOW THIS,” She stuck a finger into his chest. “Ooh,” she paused and narrowed her eyes seductively, “déjà vu.” She was still for a moment, and then shimmied away into the darkness.
Jet had been watching, confused and still holding the chair leg, and couldn’t help but wonder what the hell kind of hospital Sokka worked at. “Uh… Sokka…” Jet approached Sokka, who was now rocking backwards and forwards on the ground.
“DON’T ASK,” Sokka wailed, clutching his chest, “And don’t tell.”
Jet whirled around to close the door, only to find himself nose-to-nose with a punk-looking girl.
“June?” he whispered.
“Hello homo,” she said pointedly.
“JUNE!” He threw a hug around her, which she didn’t reciprocate. “You finally came to one of our parties! I’m so happy you could make it!”
She pushed him into a wall. “I didn’t come for you, I came for the bitch.”
“What bitch?” He asked, concerned.
“You know the bitch!”
“There’s no bitch.”
“There’s a bitch. Where’s the bitch? The bitch who stole my boyfriend.” As she said this, Ty Lee pranced into view. June narrowed her eyes viciously. “There’s the bitch,” she growled.
Ty Lee looked at June, with a too-wide smile, that threatened to engulf her face. “Oh hey, June,” she said joyously. Moments passed. “Fuck,” she whispered pleasantly.
June balled up her hands into tight fists. She punched the nearest wall, which just happened to be mere centimetres away from Jet’s head. She pulled out an old forgotten doorbell, crushing it in her fingers and throwing it to the ground. She let out an almighty roar and lunged at Ty Lee.
Jet looked at the wall. “People need to stop doing that,” he said, sadly. The wall would have to wait for now; there was a girl fight happening.
Ty Lee and June were locked in a death grip, both screaming in what was either pain or anger. Most likely angry pain.
There’s about to be a girl fight…
The music roared, obliterating yet another nearby vase. “SOKKA!” Jet screamed, “That’s very inappropriate.”
“But there’s about to be... a what?”
“A girl fight,” Suki confirmed.
A mass of people walked into the living room, having heard that there was about to be (A/N: A what?) a girl fight.
“Well, as long as they’re fighting… WHO WANTS TO MAKE BETS?” Suki hollered.
“I GOT 20 ON JUNE!”
“50 ON TY LEE! IVE SEEN THAT GIRL TIE HERSELF IN A KNOT… it’s kinda hawt.”
“NO WAY MAN, JUNE HAS THE MOST POWERFUL THIGHS I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED!”
“Well, who do you think is gonna win?” Jet whispered to Sokka.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go for Ty Lee. She may steal our shit, but you know... we go way back.”
“WHOA! WHERE DID HER LEGS GO?”
“Oh… there they are.”
“I feel like we shouldn’t be watching this… NO WAY, IS HER FOOT IN HER MOUTH?”
“No, that’s ridiculous… oh, wow it is.”
“Is it wrong that I’m completely aroused by this?”
“I want her face.” Chief-Of-Medicine Faye Dunaway stated matter-of-factly.
“Oh, down Ty Lee goes.”
“Whoa, good recovery, right in the vag.”
“Yeah, I don’t think June is coming back from that.”
“Oh, yep, she did.”
“THE BOULDER HAS ARRIVED!” A large man stood in the doorway with his arms triumphantly raised in the air. Once he saw the girls, however, he lowered his arms cautiously.
The fight stopped. Both girls slowly lowered their arms, spitting out respective bloody earlobes.
“THERE HE IS!” June screeched.
“GET HIM!” Ty Lee roared.
“THE BOULDER IS FUCKED!” screamed the… well, you know, The Boulder.
Ty Lee matrixed through the air, landing on his head. June thundered after the both of them. They disappeared into the darkness.
“THE BOULDER IS RUNNING! THE BOULDER IS BEING PUNCHED! THE BOLDER IS--AAAAHHHHHHHHH… THE… BOULDER... der... the… Boul… Bo… The… B...”
The Boulder was never seen or heard from again. Rumour has it that he moved to Hawaii, where he now owns and operates a successful pineapple farm.
“Oh yeah, this is just where I was hoping this evening was going...” crooned the voice of Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway from directly behind Jet, who flinched. How long has she been standing there? Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway had her eye on Suki, who was now doing the Macarena with Moira and Sera. That was quick... Jet thought to himself. Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway pulled a large knife from her gum-boot and advanced on Suki, approaching her with such magnetism that Suki was caught like a deer in headlights as Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway backed her up against a wall. She ran the knife down the side of Suki’s face.
“You got a real pretty face...” She breathed into Suki’s ear. Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway was notorious for removing the faces of much younger girls and passing them off as her own. Jet had always wondered if it was true; after meeting Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway he’d begun to believe it very well could be...
Suki calmly raised her arm and slowly moved the knife away from her face. Keep it together, Suki! - it was one of the rare moments of telepathy between Jet and Suki. “I know,” she said almost too evenly, “would you please excuse me?” She calmly turned and left the scene. Once Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway had set her sights on another, Suki immediately began hyperventilating and ran to the bathroom, where she proceeded to splash her face and check for cuts, all the while, frantically babbling “Oh my fuck, I nearly died!” to herself over and over again. Once she was over the initial shock, she braced herself against the doorframe and muttered “Where’s Haru?” She was clearly in need of some I-Nearly-Died sex.
The end of the century, I said my goodbyes.
For what it’s worth I always aim to please,
But I nearly died.
For what it’s worth, come on lay with me,
Cause I’m on fire. For what it’s worth
I’d tear the sun in three, to light up your eyes.
Woohoo! The Placebo part of the playlist has begun... Jet thought happily to himself. On that note, he wondered where Zuko was - only just realising that Zuko had actually disappeared about... twelve shots ago? Eh, who’s counting? Jet’s immediate worry was that Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway had cut his face off, but this fear was alleviated when he spotted her apparently doing some sort of traditional Jewish dance - with her arms folded across her chest, she bounced up and down, whilst kicking her legs out in the middle of the living room surrounded by cheering and clapping people.
Jet began wandering around in an attempt to find Zuko, all the while wondering whether or not there had been any chemistry between them that night or if he had he been imagining it. He knew it would be a bad idea to do anything... wouldn’t it? Jet opened Zuko’s bedroom door and froze.
Over the sound of the music, people and Chief-of-Medicine Faye Dunaway, as well as each other, it made sense that Zuko and Mai didn’t notice Jet in the doorway, as he stood immobile, inwardly screaming at himself to move or close the door. Something. He simply stared, almost curiously at what was in front of him. Zuko had his head craned back, with his eyes shut and his mouth open slightly, as Mai, gripping his hair, with her head buried in his neck, moved on top of him. Zuko flopped his head down, his mouth moving over her collarbone and down her chest - fingers digging into her back. She then took his head firmly in her hands and kissed him forcefully on the mouth, spurring him to drive her onto her back.
It was this moment that Jet seemed to regain his basic motor functions and managed to spin around and close the door behind him without being noticed. He clamped his hand over his mouth, wondering if perhaps he just kept his hand there, everything would just stay inside him.
No one cares when you’re out on the street,
Picking up the pieces to make ends meet.
No one cares when you’re down in the gutter,
Got no friends, got no lover...