astrocreep 20,000
and so summer is upon me :)
well...
i'm looking forward to a summer that will be unlike one i have ever had before. granted, last year's summer will be very difficult to beat...i had probably the best year of my life last year, and i'm grateful for it and hold it to the standard of all the years going forward that i would like to have.
however.
despite how successful the restaurant has become, and how much i have grown as a chef, i can't deny i have pushed aside my personal life since the beginning of the year. after the breakup i simply buried myself in work, and although it produced the menu that i have created now, as well as me hiring half the staff and rewriting every single recipe in the bistro to ensure consistent product, the end result on a personal level left me feeling a bit like a ghost. sure, i had been going on a few dates here and there, and not one of them was a bad one! one person could've been more even, but i was working way too much to offer anything relationship wise.
plus, at the beginning of the year i had started drinking again - not even a fraction of what i used to, mind you - but enough that i wasn't happy. i felt i was self medicating, or trying to block out loneliness, or perhaps trying to "skip" the part of your brain that accepts boredom. it was very different from last time, where i felt i had nothing in my life so it didn't matter. this time i KNEW i had things going for me, so nothing ever really got out of control. although i feel i look better than i ever have, my eating habits were random at best, and i was frequently pushing people in the kitchen to do above and beyond what they could do. in short, although the results i was getting as a chef were amazing, this was not the type of chef (or person, for that matter) i wanted to become.
so.
about a week ago, i guess this all crashed down on me, the stress of working almost every single day, not ever seeing someone, and having gradually aquired an eating disorder due to being a workaholic. i was having a few drinks every night, and again, although i was not doing anything stupid, or even getting drunk for that matter, i hated it. this wasn't me, and like i say, as happy as i am with the level i've risen to as a chef, it means nothing if i'm not a happy person.
so, i decided to talk to someone about these things. i've never done this, but i don't go out very often, and my social life - while large at one point - is quite small now. and i appreciate that. i'm such a different person now than i was a few years ago. there is a part of my brain though, that bargains having a few drinks, or doesn't eat well, or can't deal with being by myself. and it's such a small part now, but i constantly ignore it, or push it down, or bury it...anything but acknowledge the fact that it's there. but it is there, as there is light and dark in every brain, and they can compliment each other. i read up that the "dark" part of your brain is actually very protective of you, but can easy take control as well. the trick is acknowledging it and letting it balance with the light side of the brain. very similar to the moon and sun on our very own earth :-) i did it last year, very successfully, and there is no coincidence that my life was amazing. but i felt restless near the end of the year, and i haven't been able to completely land on my feet since.
anyways, just by opening my mind to this, and not jumping to such unhealthy extremes has made this week incredible. i've gone to a nutritionalist on top of talking to someone. i took down my dating profile, and my facebook page (no idea why i even reactivated the fucking thing, it's useless to me, hehe :-). i'm tired of searching, or looking, and i'm tired of the energy it takes, and i know it can be redirected back to myself, and everything will work out fine. and i want to be honest enough to know that when i offer someone who i am, i am offering them myself at my absolute best and i can maintain that. right now i am just taking things one day at a time. i recommited to abstinence, not for a month, not for a year, but for a lifestyle. and it's simply because my life is just better without stimulants in it. i'm not saying LIFE is better without stimulants...MY LIFE is better without stimulants.
i've also got back to meditating on a daily basis, and just being honest with myself on what i want out of life. it's pretty simple. despite being a complex person at times, what i want is remarkably simple. i just want to have an honorable job and be a good person - brother, son, friend, future husband/father. i just have to learn the patience to compliment this kind of life.
so, for the next few months, i am simply pressing the reset button everyday and reconnecting with who i have around me now...not what i want. dealing with what is, not what i would like it to be. and i have so much to be grateful for. i've got a nutrition plan set up, and one of the blessings i have is to be employed in the food industry...eating for free has it's perks :-). i have 4 - 5 balanced meals set out, everyday, guaranteed. i have a nice bike, and the weather is beautiful. i still am learning music...very slowly...but i'm in no rush.
tis all part of the plan :-)
well...
i'm looking forward to a summer that will be unlike one i have ever had before. granted, last year's summer will be very difficult to beat...i had probably the best year of my life last year, and i'm grateful for it and hold it to the standard of all the years going forward that i would like to have.
however.
despite how successful the restaurant has become, and how much i have grown as a chef, i can't deny i have pushed aside my personal life since the beginning of the year. after the breakup i simply buried myself in work, and although it produced the menu that i have created now, as well as me hiring half the staff and rewriting every single recipe in the bistro to ensure consistent product, the end result on a personal level left me feeling a bit like a ghost. sure, i had been going on a few dates here and there, and not one of them was a bad one! one person could've been more even, but i was working way too much to offer anything relationship wise.
plus, at the beginning of the year i had started drinking again - not even a fraction of what i used to, mind you - but enough that i wasn't happy. i felt i was self medicating, or trying to block out loneliness, or perhaps trying to "skip" the part of your brain that accepts boredom. it was very different from last time, where i felt i had nothing in my life so it didn't matter. this time i KNEW i had things going for me, so nothing ever really got out of control. although i feel i look better than i ever have, my eating habits were random at best, and i was frequently pushing people in the kitchen to do above and beyond what they could do. in short, although the results i was getting as a chef were amazing, this was not the type of chef (or person, for that matter) i wanted to become.
so.
about a week ago, i guess this all crashed down on me, the stress of working almost every single day, not ever seeing someone, and having gradually aquired an eating disorder due to being a workaholic. i was having a few drinks every night, and again, although i was not doing anything stupid, or even getting drunk for that matter, i hated it. this wasn't me, and like i say, as happy as i am with the level i've risen to as a chef, it means nothing if i'm not a happy person.
so, i decided to talk to someone about these things. i've never done this, but i don't go out very often, and my social life - while large at one point - is quite small now. and i appreciate that. i'm such a different person now than i was a few years ago. there is a part of my brain though, that bargains having a few drinks, or doesn't eat well, or can't deal with being by myself. and it's such a small part now, but i constantly ignore it, or push it down, or bury it...anything but acknowledge the fact that it's there. but it is there, as there is light and dark in every brain, and they can compliment each other. i read up that the "dark" part of your brain is actually very protective of you, but can easy take control as well. the trick is acknowledging it and letting it balance with the light side of the brain. very similar to the moon and sun on our very own earth :-) i did it last year, very successfully, and there is no coincidence that my life was amazing. but i felt restless near the end of the year, and i haven't been able to completely land on my feet since.
anyways, just by opening my mind to this, and not jumping to such unhealthy extremes has made this week incredible. i've gone to a nutritionalist on top of talking to someone. i took down my dating profile, and my facebook page (no idea why i even reactivated the fucking thing, it's useless to me, hehe :-). i'm tired of searching, or looking, and i'm tired of the energy it takes, and i know it can be redirected back to myself, and everything will work out fine. and i want to be honest enough to know that when i offer someone who i am, i am offering them myself at my absolute best and i can maintain that. right now i am just taking things one day at a time. i recommited to abstinence, not for a month, not for a year, but for a lifestyle. and it's simply because my life is just better without stimulants in it. i'm not saying LIFE is better without stimulants...MY LIFE is better without stimulants.
i've also got back to meditating on a daily basis, and just being honest with myself on what i want out of life. it's pretty simple. despite being a complex person at times, what i want is remarkably simple. i just want to have an honorable job and be a good person - brother, son, friend, future husband/father. i just have to learn the patience to compliment this kind of life.
so, for the next few months, i am simply pressing the reset button everyday and reconnecting with who i have around me now...not what i want. dealing with what is, not what i would like it to be. and i have so much to be grateful for. i've got a nutrition plan set up, and one of the blessings i have is to be employed in the food industry...eating for free has it's perks :-). i have 4 - 5 balanced meals set out, everyday, guaranteed. i have a nice bike, and the weather is beautiful. i still am learning music...very slowly...but i'm in no rush.
tis all part of the plan :-)