My Return: Three Months Overdue.
So I said I'd be back in August, and now it's November. I have been back in the United States, of course, but I just haven't written. I don't know why. I definitely intended to start using this actively again, but for some reason I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.
Strangely enough, it has nothing to do with a lack of reflection. In fact, I feel like I've been more reflective this year than in the past couple of years, especially since this summer. I don't know what it was about turning 20, but I went through a bit of existential crisis for a while, most accurately reflected by the following comic:
I also reflected on my life a lot while I was in Japan, especially my lack of a sense of "home" or understanding of where, culturally and geographically, I belong. I can't say my experiences were life-changing, because I'd already been in a life-long long-distance love affair with Japan and the East, so the trip was just an affirmation of something I'd already suspected all my life: that I would love Japan and feel at home there.
Coming back was tough, and yet in the end I suppose it wasn't as bad as I initially expected it would be. I won't lie; part of the reason why I've worked so hard is to have opportunities to go abroad and maybe even to stay there. Once I got used to daily life in Japan, I had no idea how I would ever go back to living in America, where I've never felt particularly at home anyway, and I almost immediately started making plans for going back to Japan-by way of study abroad or a summer internship.
Three months later, however, I'm actually not sure how likely I am to be going back to Japan in the near future. Coming back to America, I did realize one thing: how nice it is to be wanted, to be able to surround myself with people who mean a lot to me, and to have the opportunity to make those people happier. The one unsatisfying part of my stay in Japan was my social life and the lack of close relationships with others. I realized that nobody needed or wanted me to be in Japan, and I've never been very good at doing things for purely selfish reasons. I miss Japan a lot, and I want to go back, but I do admit I enjoy being around people I care about. It instills my life with a sense of meaningfulness that I otherwise lack.
I am making it a point this year, though, to be better to myself and more true to my own needs and desires. This ended up taking my life in an unexpected direction: another relationship, only half a year after the last one ended so miserably. It wasn't entirely unexpected-I did, to some extent, anticipate it even before summer started, and alluded to it when I wrote earlier this year, I won't go into too much detail except to say that I had spent weeks asking, "Don't I have good karma points stored up? When is it my turn to have something good happen to me?" Well, it finally did.
However, it's ironic because I tend to find relationships (especially of the kind that us teenagers and young twenty-somethings tend to have) overrated; I've never believed in dating for the sake of dating or wanted a boyfriend just to say I do. When Felix broke my heart last year, the last thing I wanted to do was date again. But then, I suppose my relationship with the new boy (Austin, his name is) has nothing to do with dating and everything to do with falling head over heels for someone who is not only intelligent, funny, and charming, but values my happiness as much as he does his own, a luxury which I've never allowed myself before.
Consequently, I'd be lying if I didn't say it's been a very good semester, though the relationship isn't the only reason for that. Life in general worked out better; as a whole, I've enjoyed the courses I've been taking, had to spend a little less time in-class and therefore have had more time to devote to other activities, and have still managed to balance all this with a fairly active and satisfying social life. The fact that thing shave been working out so well is part of the reason why I gave up on trying to go back to Japan next semester.
The unfortunate side of this is the fact that how soon, or whether, my path in life will take me back to Japan is becoming increasingly less clear. My first priority for the summer should be to find an internship-if that could be in Japan, that would be perfect, but I don't know how realistic of a goal that is. There will be far more opportunities to go back post-graduation, but that raises even more uncertainties and question marks I don't even feel capable to begin to address yet.
The biggest change I underwent while I was in Japan was that prior to my study abroad experience, I couldn't believe I was halfway done with college, and I couldn't imagine wanting to ever be done with university life. After coming back, though in all other respects I mostly slipped right back into my former lifestyle, I all of a sudden can't wait to graduate, despite all the uncertainties the future holds. I've somehow become jaded with regard to undergrad life, and I grow antsy in anticipation of moving on toward bigger and better things.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my major. I enjoy what I do both within it and in my other non-design activities. But I'm growing fed up with this life of deadlines and constant stress and 24/7 worrying about the next thing I need to do and always feeling like I'm 10 steps behind where I need to be and living with the mindset that there's never enough time/energy for everything so I always have to sacrifice something to accomplish something else. I feel like my energy would be better spent if I could devote it to a couple of (very different) projects, preferably of my own choosing or at least with lots of room for my own development, rather than constantly feeling like I have to split what little energy I have remaining between 20 different things. And although things are already great as they are, I can't help imagining how much better our relationship would be if Austin and I weren't always so exhausted.
I'm burned out. That's the short of it. I've been burning out all semester, but lately it's becoming almost unbearable. I might evade it for a few days, and find the drive to go on, but eventually it always comes back. And I don't know how to make it go away.
Part of it is Fall semester, too, and the distinctive lack of substantial breaks. I've been arguing since college started that Thanksgiving Break should be abolished and replaced by a week-long Fall Break in the middle of the semester, similar to Spring Break. I realized a few days ago that what I really need is a week to get away from CMU, to not think about classes and college life, and to then come back refreshed and ready to face the other half of the semester. Of course, I don't actually have that option, one because Thanksgiving Break still exists (with particularly unfortunate timing this year because it is immediately followed by the last week of class and then finals), and two because I don't get to go home for Thanksgiving.
I suppose that's one reason to be excited for Spring semester.
At any rate, I should wrap up here, as it is late and I have three classes tomorrow. I'll be back another time to write about courses and what I've been up to this semester in more specific detail. For now, however, this rather abstracted view of my life will have to suffice.
Strangely enough, it has nothing to do with a lack of reflection. In fact, I feel like I've been more reflective this year than in the past couple of years, especially since this summer. I don't know what it was about turning 20, but I went through a bit of existential crisis for a while, most accurately reflected by the following comic:
I also reflected on my life a lot while I was in Japan, especially my lack of a sense of "home" or understanding of where, culturally and geographically, I belong. I can't say my experiences were life-changing, because I'd already been in a life-long long-distance love affair with Japan and the East, so the trip was just an affirmation of something I'd already suspected all my life: that I would love Japan and feel at home there.
Coming back was tough, and yet in the end I suppose it wasn't as bad as I initially expected it would be. I won't lie; part of the reason why I've worked so hard is to have opportunities to go abroad and maybe even to stay there. Once I got used to daily life in Japan, I had no idea how I would ever go back to living in America, where I've never felt particularly at home anyway, and I almost immediately started making plans for going back to Japan-by way of study abroad or a summer internship.
Three months later, however, I'm actually not sure how likely I am to be going back to Japan in the near future. Coming back to America, I did realize one thing: how nice it is to be wanted, to be able to surround myself with people who mean a lot to me, and to have the opportunity to make those people happier. The one unsatisfying part of my stay in Japan was my social life and the lack of close relationships with others. I realized that nobody needed or wanted me to be in Japan, and I've never been very good at doing things for purely selfish reasons. I miss Japan a lot, and I want to go back, but I do admit I enjoy being around people I care about. It instills my life with a sense of meaningfulness that I otherwise lack.
I am making it a point this year, though, to be better to myself and more true to my own needs and desires. This ended up taking my life in an unexpected direction: another relationship, only half a year after the last one ended so miserably. It wasn't entirely unexpected-I did, to some extent, anticipate it even before summer started, and alluded to it when I wrote earlier this year, I won't go into too much detail except to say that I had spent weeks asking, "Don't I have good karma points stored up? When is it my turn to have something good happen to me?" Well, it finally did.
However, it's ironic because I tend to find relationships (especially of the kind that us teenagers and young twenty-somethings tend to have) overrated; I've never believed in dating for the sake of dating or wanted a boyfriend just to say I do. When Felix broke my heart last year, the last thing I wanted to do was date again. But then, I suppose my relationship with the new boy (Austin, his name is) has nothing to do with dating and everything to do with falling head over heels for someone who is not only intelligent, funny, and charming, but values my happiness as much as he does his own, a luxury which I've never allowed myself before.
Consequently, I'd be lying if I didn't say it's been a very good semester, though the relationship isn't the only reason for that. Life in general worked out better; as a whole, I've enjoyed the courses I've been taking, had to spend a little less time in-class and therefore have had more time to devote to other activities, and have still managed to balance all this with a fairly active and satisfying social life. The fact that thing shave been working out so well is part of the reason why I gave up on trying to go back to Japan next semester.
The unfortunate side of this is the fact that how soon, or whether, my path in life will take me back to Japan is becoming increasingly less clear. My first priority for the summer should be to find an internship-if that could be in Japan, that would be perfect, but I don't know how realistic of a goal that is. There will be far more opportunities to go back post-graduation, but that raises even more uncertainties and question marks I don't even feel capable to begin to address yet.
The biggest change I underwent while I was in Japan was that prior to my study abroad experience, I couldn't believe I was halfway done with college, and I couldn't imagine wanting to ever be done with university life. After coming back, though in all other respects I mostly slipped right back into my former lifestyle, I all of a sudden can't wait to graduate, despite all the uncertainties the future holds. I've somehow become jaded with regard to undergrad life, and I grow antsy in anticipation of moving on toward bigger and better things.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my major. I enjoy what I do both within it and in my other non-design activities. But I'm growing fed up with this life of deadlines and constant stress and 24/7 worrying about the next thing I need to do and always feeling like I'm 10 steps behind where I need to be and living with the mindset that there's never enough time/energy for everything so I always have to sacrifice something to accomplish something else. I feel like my energy would be better spent if I could devote it to a couple of (very different) projects, preferably of my own choosing or at least with lots of room for my own development, rather than constantly feeling like I have to split what little energy I have remaining between 20 different things. And although things are already great as they are, I can't help imagining how much better our relationship would be if Austin and I weren't always so exhausted.
I'm burned out. That's the short of it. I've been burning out all semester, but lately it's becoming almost unbearable. I might evade it for a few days, and find the drive to go on, but eventually it always comes back. And I don't know how to make it go away.
Part of it is Fall semester, too, and the distinctive lack of substantial breaks. I've been arguing since college started that Thanksgiving Break should be abolished and replaced by a week-long Fall Break in the middle of the semester, similar to Spring Break. I realized a few days ago that what I really need is a week to get away from CMU, to not think about classes and college life, and to then come back refreshed and ready to face the other half of the semester. Of course, I don't actually have that option, one because Thanksgiving Break still exists (with particularly unfortunate timing this year because it is immediately followed by the last week of class and then finals), and two because I don't get to go home for Thanksgiving.
I suppose that's one reason to be excited for Spring semester.
At any rate, I should wrap up here, as it is late and I have three classes tomorrow. I'll be back another time to write about courses and what I've been up to this semester in more specific detail. For now, however, this rather abstracted view of my life will have to suffice.