(no subject)
Felt a little off today. Everything went smoothly, or as smoothly as possible, but I can't shake this slight feeling of melancholy. This a long post... you get points if you make it all the way through. I'm sorry if it sounds a little whiny - I'm not this depressed, I swear!
I'd like to think I wasn't so affected by what happened Tuesday, but I guess I can't deny it. I went to the Nordic choir concert last night... talk about rubbing salt on the wounds. It's an odd thing about vocal music - you know someone well enough, and it becomes so easy to pick out their individual voice out of the entire mix. There was just something about watching him smile during some of the pieces. He enjoys the music so much, it's wonderful to see.
What bothers me most, is that it's not really him that I'm upset about, when all is said and done. I mean, I miss him a lot already... a heck of a lot. But that's not what's eating at me. I'm not quite sure how to explain this. Let's go with a story:
In rehearsal today, I was really struggling with getting into the music, which is extremely strange for me. Why was I having so much trouble? Every time I came to a particularly moving section of the music, his face came to the front of my mind. I guess it's because during those long, dull, rehearsals in the Haus de Begegnung in Austria, I spent the time reminding myself that he was going to be in the audience during our homecoming concert, so I better work hard, focus, play passionately, all so that he could truly enjoy himself at the homecoming concert. It's almost scary. Music has always meant a lot to me, but I'm started to worry that since I've spent so long playing for him , I've forgotten what it meant to me before.
I do not adjust to things very easily. Back in November and early December, I remember how completely strange and alien it seemed to have a guy actually be interested in me. It seemed almost terrifying to me. It was taking me way out of my comfort zone where I'd hid in a safety bubble for years. But he was there, and he took me carefully by the hand and showed me that it was okay. Back then, my world was turning upside down. Now it's turning right-side up again, and I'm having just as much difficulty getting my bearings. I haven't even been dating him that long, but it's shocking how much of my life and thoughts he occupied. Now there is a huge void that I am not quite sure how to deal with. I got by for a very long time without a boyfriend - why am I having trouble being alone now?
I know I don't want to get back together with him. If by some random chance, he were to come back to me and ask to revive our relationship, I would turn him down. Not to say that it wouldn't be extremely hard to do so...
As I've been told by countless people and personality tests, I am extremely dependent. I am also extremely difficult to get to know - to truly get to know. I'd like to think that I am very friendly, and I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few really close friends with whom I feel I can share my deepest thoughts. Andrew came and busted down my protective wall with remarkable ease and won my trust in such a short time. Perhaps too short? Who knows.
All I know is that now I feel like I'm left open, undefended. My self-confidence - always a fickle friend of mine - is fleeing after its short visit inspired by Andrew. I'm feeling extremely lonely, which makes no sense because I was perfectly happy (or happy enough, at least) before this whole mess.
Yet, even with all of this, I probably wouldn't go back and do anything differently given the chance. Pathetic, no? Despite what I maybe should be feeling, I bear no hard feelings towards Andrew whatsoever. We had a lot of great times, and he taught me so much about relationships. I'm honsetly thinking that I will come out of all of this as a stronger person.
I just wish I could start feeling that strength, already.
I'd like to think I wasn't so affected by what happened Tuesday, but I guess I can't deny it. I went to the Nordic choir concert last night... talk about rubbing salt on the wounds. It's an odd thing about vocal music - you know someone well enough, and it becomes so easy to pick out their individual voice out of the entire mix. There was just something about watching him smile during some of the pieces. He enjoys the music so much, it's wonderful to see.
What bothers me most, is that it's not really him that I'm upset about, when all is said and done. I mean, I miss him a lot already... a heck of a lot. But that's not what's eating at me. I'm not quite sure how to explain this. Let's go with a story:
In rehearsal today, I was really struggling with getting into the music, which is extremely strange for me. Why was I having so much trouble? Every time I came to a particularly moving section of the music, his face came to the front of my mind. I guess it's because during those long, dull, rehearsals in the Haus de Begegnung in Austria, I spent the time reminding myself that he was going to be in the audience during our homecoming concert, so I better work hard, focus, play passionately, all so that he could truly enjoy himself at the homecoming concert. It's almost scary. Music has always meant a lot to me, but I'm started to worry that since I've spent so long playing for him , I've forgotten what it meant to me before.
I do not adjust to things very easily. Back in November and early December, I remember how completely strange and alien it seemed to have a guy actually be interested in me. It seemed almost terrifying to me. It was taking me way out of my comfort zone where I'd hid in a safety bubble for years. But he was there, and he took me carefully by the hand and showed me that it was okay. Back then, my world was turning upside down. Now it's turning right-side up again, and I'm having just as much difficulty getting my bearings. I haven't even been dating him that long, but it's shocking how much of my life and thoughts he occupied. Now there is a huge void that I am not quite sure how to deal with. I got by for a very long time without a boyfriend - why am I having trouble being alone now?
I know I don't want to get back together with him. If by some random chance, he were to come back to me and ask to revive our relationship, I would turn him down. Not to say that it wouldn't be extremely hard to do so...
As I've been told by countless people and personality tests, I am extremely dependent. I am also extremely difficult to get to know - to truly get to know. I'd like to think that I am very friendly, and I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few really close friends with whom I feel I can share my deepest thoughts. Andrew came and busted down my protective wall with remarkable ease and won my trust in such a short time. Perhaps too short? Who knows.
All I know is that now I feel like I'm left open, undefended. My self-confidence - always a fickle friend of mine - is fleeing after its short visit inspired by Andrew. I'm feeling extremely lonely, which makes no sense because I was perfectly happy (or happy enough, at least) before this whole mess.
Yet, even with all of this, I probably wouldn't go back and do anything differently given the chance. Pathetic, no? Despite what I maybe should be feeling, I bear no hard feelings towards Andrew whatsoever. We had a lot of great times, and he taught me so much about relationships. I'm honsetly thinking that I will come out of all of this as a stronger person.
I just wish I could start feeling that strength, already.