So Alone...
I sit alone in a one bedroom loft apartment.. it is mine.. rent paid.. utilities paid.. it is mine.. for once.. I have accomplished something.. achieved a goal.. I am proud.. and I have made my mother proud...
then why do I feel so alone? so empty of use to the world that supposedly so needs me? so lost of emotions other than the tears that haunt me before i sleep .. I can't sleep.. Im so tired.. I can't keep my eyes closed from the pain that is inside.. Why?
I sit with my knees pulled in my chair, keyboard across them.. i take up little space in the 725 sq ft of space that is mine.. and though i feel clastophobic.. my things seem obsolete... Whats wrong with me? most would be so happy, so cherished by the thought of accomplishment.. most would think me selfish now... how can i feel so alone when I have so much? But do I really have anything at all?
I dreamt a dream last night that I was with child... it would be a beautiful child.. one to make a mother proud, one to make my mother a grandmother as she so wishes to be.. "I am proud of you," she has told me... yet she doesn't know...
i know what makes me empty inside and it is an emptiness that can never be filled.. a goal that can never be accomplished.. I can never be with child.. those dreams taunt me in my sleep and laugh at me while i dwell upon the thought of a cherished dream.. so i cry.. i cry tears only a mother would understand.. i cry tears for lost children that i can never have...
I could never fillful the dreams of a lover or future husband of mine that so desperately desire to have children.. i am not barren.. but i am scarred.. unable to give birth and my blood prevents me from being able to have a c-section.. I can be sired and inpregnanted.. but from there.........
i dare not speak the words of a fear that only mothers know, dread and cringe at the hint of a whisper of the thought..
I am sorry to those that will love me and love me now.. I can not give you what you wish.. and I am sorry to those who are my family, for i can not make you the uncle, the aunts, the grandfather or ..... the grandmother that you so truely desire of me to make you .. I will only be a daughter, a sister, a neice and grandchild... never could i be a mother...
I am scarred....
So sorry i am .. and so many tears i cry in forgiveness from you ... so weak my body feels.. so powerless of hope... the glint in of hope that sparks has flickered out.. and only the emptiness of spent wax remains..
I beg thee all for forgiveness.. for i can not make you as dream to be...
so i cry..
so i cry..
forever will i cry for this...
My mother, to you.. reading this i know will kill your heart and there are not enough tears in this world to saticfy your broken heart.. I have not enough sorrowful apologies to mend it..
I am so sorry I can not make you a grandmother...
then why do I feel so alone? so empty of use to the world that supposedly so needs me? so lost of emotions other than the tears that haunt me before i sleep .. I can't sleep.. Im so tired.. I can't keep my eyes closed from the pain that is inside.. Why?
I sit with my knees pulled in my chair, keyboard across them.. i take up little space in the 725 sq ft of space that is mine.. and though i feel clastophobic.. my things seem obsolete... Whats wrong with me? most would be so happy, so cherished by the thought of accomplishment.. most would think me selfish now... how can i feel so alone when I have so much? But do I really have anything at all?
I dreamt a dream last night that I was with child... it would be a beautiful child.. one to make a mother proud, one to make my mother a grandmother as she so wishes to be.. "I am proud of you," she has told me... yet she doesn't know...
i know what makes me empty inside and it is an emptiness that can never be filled.. a goal that can never be accomplished.. I can never be with child.. those dreams taunt me in my sleep and laugh at me while i dwell upon the thought of a cherished dream.. so i cry.. i cry tears only a mother would understand.. i cry tears for lost children that i can never have...
I could never fillful the dreams of a lover or future husband of mine that so desperately desire to have children.. i am not barren.. but i am scarred.. unable to give birth and my blood prevents me from being able to have a c-section.. I can be sired and inpregnanted.. but from there.........
i dare not speak the words of a fear that only mothers know, dread and cringe at the hint of a whisper of the thought..
I am sorry to those that will love me and love me now.. I can not give you what you wish.. and I am sorry to those who are my family, for i can not make you the uncle, the aunts, the grandfather or ..... the grandmother that you so truely desire of me to make you .. I will only be a daughter, a sister, a neice and grandchild... never could i be a mother...
I am scarred....
So sorry i am .. and so many tears i cry in forgiveness from you ... so weak my body feels.. so powerless of hope... the glint in of hope that sparks has flickered out.. and only the emptiness of spent wax remains..
I beg thee all for forgiveness.. for i can not make you as dream to be...
so i cry..
so i cry..
forever will i cry for this...
My mother, to you.. reading this i know will kill your heart and there are not enough tears in this world to saticfy your broken heart.. I have not enough sorrowful apologies to mend it..
I am so sorry I can not make you a grandmother...