Sometimes
I feel crazy, I don't know who I am because nothing ever suffices. Every time I feel good about myself being so, then time passes and I deepen too into that particular identity and then everything fucks up, I get depressed and I don't know why (it's actually because I deepen too far into it and deny my other possibilities that's why), it's happened so many times. At least once a semester so far, and a couple times this semester, it's painful and rewarding. It also makes the world of singular interests and identifiers seem unreal.
Even this present meta-identification system that I'm basing my story on, a system of seven forces, gods, and a vast landscape and lots of characters moving through it, stumbling about through life and falling into and out of grace with the various gods...I get bored of it sometimes. Sometimes it seems like a vast system that has no bearing on me, it just seems like intellectual play. But it's the closest I can come to identifying myself, I know, because if I follow my heart completely, blindly, then I just bounce from opposite to opposite, from god to god always with this cycle of depression when my heart plunges me too deeply into something to the exclusion of all else. Into a phoenix of black flames, piercing magic, powerful, brooding, proud, secretive unbending, into twin whales, frolicking in the seas of imagination, creative carefree, frothy detached, into electric matrix, genius clear, true reflective, all-connections, into hummingbird, calm sweet, joking happy fun, comfort, Libran fireless, into hunter, dangerous nihilistic, perfectly precise skilled, seething, into angel Titania, martyr and savior, healing helping caring loving open, faith in God and self-judgment, into now the goddess bear, protector of the trees, grounded, peaceful, embodied, natural, passive, drawn inwards slow. I've been two or three or four of these at once, but then the other ones always come in, without fail, and I'm back in the womb of things, chaos.
Now many traditions would say that this chaos of no-self, that's where real life happens, and I agree. I am never happier as when I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. Yet I always get drawn to some way or other to be, so I'm figuring that it's important to first really have a good run of Knowing Myself fully first before I'm content to live in chaos.
Honestly, that's the day-to-day reason for writing my story - I'm hoping that somehow I'll figure out who I am so I don't have to feel insecure and like a child grasping for meaning within my world of mature adults growing up around me before my very eyes, jealous of everyone's power and mastery to be who they are and jealous of their ability to affect me like a buoy in their tides. I want to feel empowered too! I'm sick of this constant self-consciousness saying, "it's not enough; you're missing something." I've known perfection, which my mind defines as "with true reflection, finding nothing wrong in the moment. Everything being right." I want that. That's all I ask of life. I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want power, I just want _that_. That suchness.
My characters are wonderful...I love them to death. They travel the landscape of my being on paper, and in doing so traverse paths I don't tread, combine knowledge and make connections I wouldn't have thought of making, ever. I can't wait until I finish writing Estelle's story and then get through the Takali takeover of Aupail, because then they'll start to do new, unimagined things. I'd like to take this time to thank my 9th and 10th grade D&D players without whose character models my story wouldn't have a shape. Thank you Estelle, Serena, Shimeto, and all the others whose characters aren't major players in this story (yet - Sythe might poke his nosy OMG TEH APOCALYPSE!! head in because he's like that <3) but without whom I wouldn't have been able to draw upon the richness for my story. Thank you guys. I know that only Eden and Zero in my LJ friends list even know what the hell I'm talking about, but I just want to put that out there I guess.
Even this present meta-identification system that I'm basing my story on, a system of seven forces, gods, and a vast landscape and lots of characters moving through it, stumbling about through life and falling into and out of grace with the various gods...I get bored of it sometimes. Sometimes it seems like a vast system that has no bearing on me, it just seems like intellectual play. But it's the closest I can come to identifying myself, I know, because if I follow my heart completely, blindly, then I just bounce from opposite to opposite, from god to god always with this cycle of depression when my heart plunges me too deeply into something to the exclusion of all else. Into a phoenix of black flames, piercing magic, powerful, brooding, proud, secretive unbending, into twin whales, frolicking in the seas of imagination, creative carefree, frothy detached, into electric matrix, genius clear, true reflective, all-connections, into hummingbird, calm sweet, joking happy fun, comfort, Libran fireless, into hunter, dangerous nihilistic, perfectly precise skilled, seething, into angel Titania, martyr and savior, healing helping caring loving open, faith in God and self-judgment, into now the goddess bear, protector of the trees, grounded, peaceful, embodied, natural, passive, drawn inwards slow. I've been two or three or four of these at once, but then the other ones always come in, without fail, and I'm back in the womb of things, chaos.
Now many traditions would say that this chaos of no-self, that's where real life happens, and I agree. I am never happier as when I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. Yet I always get drawn to some way or other to be, so I'm figuring that it's important to first really have a good run of Knowing Myself fully first before I'm content to live in chaos.
Honestly, that's the day-to-day reason for writing my story - I'm hoping that somehow I'll figure out who I am so I don't have to feel insecure and like a child grasping for meaning within my world of mature adults growing up around me before my very eyes, jealous of everyone's power and mastery to be who they are and jealous of their ability to affect me like a buoy in their tides. I want to feel empowered too! I'm sick of this constant self-consciousness saying, "it's not enough; you're missing something." I've known perfection, which my mind defines as "with true reflection, finding nothing wrong in the moment. Everything being right." I want that. That's all I ask of life. I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want power, I just want _that_. That suchness.
My characters are wonderful...I love them to death. They travel the landscape of my being on paper, and in doing so traverse paths I don't tread, combine knowledge and make connections I wouldn't have thought of making, ever. I can't wait until I finish writing Estelle's story and then get through the Takali takeover of Aupail, because then they'll start to do new, unimagined things. I'd like to take this time to thank my 9th and 10th grade D&D players without whose character models my story wouldn't have a shape. Thank you Estelle, Serena, Shimeto, and all the others whose characters aren't major players in this story (yet - Sythe might poke his nosy OMG TEH APOCALYPSE!! head in because he's like that <3) but without whom I wouldn't have been able to draw upon the richness for my story. Thank you guys. I know that only Eden and Zero in my LJ friends list even know what the hell I'm talking about, but I just want to put that out there I guess.