I never update this anymore oohh lawd
Things have been busy-monotonous lately, with school, homework, work~ rinse, repeat. The thing is, I don't particularly dislike school or my job-- they're both fine, but it just doesn't leave me room for much else. The fact of the matter is, I've just been so lonely. I don't see or talk to my friends nearly enough and I'm starting to feel closed off from them again and it just really sucks. It's the reason I've just been so focused on finding a guy-- to fix this loneliness, to fall in love and get the butterflies and the happiness and not have to think about it or stress so much. But what my heart wants, and how my mind reacts-- they're separate, and incredibly hypocritical. My mind doesn't want to trust anyone, won't give them a chance because it thinks that it's going to be safer that way. It wants the relationship without the stepping stones to becoming that relationship. It doesn't help that paranoia convinces me that if something doesn't work out, it's entirely my fault for being crazy and desperate (I really don't want to be desperate, and I hope to god I'm not).
And I recognize the warning signs, that expectancy I shouldn't be shoving on someone-- Hey, you're supposed to be independent, you don't need a man to be happy, blahblahblah. It's not that I need one. I just really want it. But at the same time I don't, according to my sub-conscious. It's upsetting, because I know why I'm like this and I just don't know how to fix it. It's like this fixation that's grounded by fear. And I shouldn't be afraid. They're not all like that, otherwise I wouldn't even try, right? It's just... exhausting. The logical thing would to just stop looking, and let it happen, but. People have been telling me that for years, and I just end up destroying every chance I have because I'm lonely but so terrified of trusting someone. boooo this emotion you do stupid things to mee
Bleck.
Also mom thinks I need to transfer out of Vegas to finish up school, she thinks the new perspective and scenery would help me. I agree with her buuuut once again, afraid.
And I recognize the warning signs, that expectancy I shouldn't be shoving on someone-- Hey, you're supposed to be independent, you don't need a man to be happy, blahblahblah. It's not that I need one. I just really want it. But at the same time I don't, according to my sub-conscious. It's upsetting, because I know why I'm like this and I just don't know how to fix it. It's like this fixation that's grounded by fear. And I shouldn't be afraid. They're not all like that, otherwise I wouldn't even try, right? It's just... exhausting. The logical thing would to just stop looking, and let it happen, but. People have been telling me that for years, and I just end up destroying every chance I have because I'm lonely but so terrified of trusting someone. boooo this emotion you do stupid things to mee
Bleck.
Also mom thinks I need to transfer out of Vegas to finish up school, she thinks the new perspective and scenery would help me. I agree with her buuuut once again, afraid.