First off I had a loooooooong week, my semester JUST ended, and summer starts next week. So I can't catch a break. I babysat my future nieces and nephew last night (actually not a bad experience, but totally exhausting...), I fell on the tile wednesday and have a big bruise on my knee etc. etc. so I am feeling a little worn down. And I still need to get a job, take my drivers test again, get driving. the end goal of moving out of here next year seems to far far away and I am so so tired. I ate cupcakes, coconut cream pie from Costco, coca cola up the wazoo...nothing but crap food that makes me more tired and mood swingy but I had to do it to get through my fucking homework (well that and blasting Led Zepplin...I prayed to Led Zep like it was a higher power "oooh Led Zep....help me finish my homework!"...:D) I got into a class I wanted to take this summer...which is good because now my goal of getting done next spring or summer seems much closer now that I can get this class outta the way... but that class DOESN'T start next week. It starts in June and doesn't end until the week before fall semester starts, end of August. Yeah the week my brother gets married is finals week for this Family law class. Goddamn I miss having a life.
I know I am in a hormonal state, tired, exhuasted, worn down. But it's a reflection of something real. I miss music, which I have no time for. I am doing this because I need to move out of this house and in the best way possible and I've thought this choice through but without those things in my life that make me happy I just don't know. Plus I feel like I have been on several emotional roller coasters dating back to last year and that's just exhausting too. I think my soul knows it needs some true happiness, some true joy - and I think I find a moment or two and then it's back to being jerked around by the roller coaster of relationships and life. While I think I will be a better possible partner down the road, I just don't even see at this point how the hell I'm going to get there I'm so desolate.
I mean deep down I know that while I am practical to focus on getting out of school, and I'd like to be able to support myself, my parents, and a potential partner, money is not the most important thing to me and relationships and the people in my life are much more important. And I don't think time necessarily waits on people when it comes to relationships, usually if someone doesn't make the effort nothing ever changes. Like physics. And sometimes it just seems like when you do see some hope in a relationsip, of someone who calms your spirit, who provides a good balance...well when that hope keeps getting jerked around because it's on that roller coaster with me like a backpack - well that sucks. It's like things are all ready hard...I know it seems like how can I add one more thing on?...but sometimes it seems like what else is a natural and healthy way out of this hopeless viewpoint?
that all sounds a lot more rational than I feel...I feel more like my 5 year old niece...but....phew....to get that out.
First off I had a loooooooong week, my semester JUST ended, and summer starts next week. So I can't catch a break. I babysat my future nieces and nephew last night (actually not a bad experience, but totally exhausting...), I fell on the tile wednesday and have a big bruise on my knee etc. etc. so I am feeling a little worn down. And I still need to get a job, take my drivers test again, get driving. the end goal of moving out of here next year seems to far far away and I am so so tired. I ate cupcakes, coconut cream pie from Costco, coca cola up the wazoo...nothing but crap food that makes me more tired and mood swingy but I had to do it to get through my fucking homework (well that and blasting Led Zepplin...I prayed to Led Zep like it was a higher power "oooh Led Zep....help me finish my homework!"...:D) I got into a class I wanted to take this summer...which is good because now my goal of getting done next spring or summer seems much closer now that I can get this class outta the way... but that class DOESN'T start next week. It starts in June and doesn't end until the week before fall semester starts, end of August. Yeah the week my brother gets married is finals week for this Family law class. Goddamn I miss having a life.
I know I am in a hormonal state, tired, exhuasted, worn down. But it's a reflection of something real. I miss music, which I have no time for. I am doing this because I need to move out of this house and in the best way possible and I've thought this choice through but without those things in my life that make me happy I just don't know. Plus I feel like I have been on several emotional roller coasters dating back to last year and that's just exhausting too. I think my soul knows it needs some true happiness, some true joy - and I think I find a moment or two and then it's back to being jerked around by the roller coaster of relationships and life. While I think I will be a better possible partner down the road, I just don't even see at this point how the hell I'm going to get there I'm so desolate.
I mean deep down I know that while I am practical to focus on getting out of school, and I'd like to be able to support myself, my parents, and a potential partner, money is not the most important thing to me and relationships and the people in my life are much more important. And I don't think time necessarily waits on people when it comes to relationships, usually if someone doesn't make the effort nothing ever changes. Like physics. And sometimes it just seems like when you do see some hope in a relationsip, of someone who calms your spirit, who provides a good balance...well when that hope keeps getting jerked around because it's on that roller coaster with me like a backpack - well that sucks. It's like things are all ready hard...I know it seems like how can I add one more thing on?...but sometimes it seems like what else is a natural and healthy way out of this hopeless viewpoint?
that all sounds a lot more rational than I feel...I feel more like my 5 year old niece...but....phew....to get that out.
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