looking down at the gound, hiding my emotions
i laid down about an hour ago and put on my headphones. i just wanted to go to sleep and have this horrible day come to an end. i started to cry. i let out all the tears ive been fighting all day. when the cd was done. i laid there in the silence. i knew i wouldnt be able to go to sleep. i decided i need to run. i need to get out of all of this. when i run i feel like im all alone and my mind is just at ease. so i got up and went running. im back and the pain is still here. i still hurt.
today elsa asked if jonathan had any friends from school. jonathan realizing he really did, started to cry. I felt really bad for him but then it dawned on me...jonathan my not have many friends from school but he does have a few close friends that surround him and keep him happy. hes independent, and hes never sad or crying because of his friends. he never has to worry about friends cancelling on him on anything. and so i came to my conclusion. im making a new years resoulution. ive never had one because i think they are just gay and never work but this year ive decided to make one.
I am going to find NEW friends. and if i dont find or make any new friends then that fine, ill go without friends
id rather have no friends and be happy than have friends that treat me like garbage. this way ill never have to cry over my friends.
to me, my friends were my family. they are all i got and i guess they dont realize that. i dont really have a family thats there for me and loves me and supports me, and so i look to my friends for that. and this time they dont realize how much theyve hurt me. they dont know how selfish they are.
i am a very sincere person. when i make a promise i keep it. when i say i love you i mean it. when i say ill be there for you, i am. im reliable. im trustworthy, im true, im honest, and im loving. i dont deserve to be treated like this from my friends. i didnt do anything wrong. maybe im too sensitive maybe im just being a baby but i can help but feel the way i feel. i feel like sometimes people take me for granted and walk all over me. well thats not gunna happen anymore. i wont be there anymore.
why cant people be considerate, and caring? why cant people comprimise. why cant someone say "listen, i know tonight we were suppose to chill and have it be one of our nights, but justins really hurting and i need to be there for him and he needs me right now". why cant some just call me because they know im hurting and leave a message because they know im too upset to pick up. i wish my friends would all stop using eachother and just be true to eachother.
i talked to elise and she told me that bonnie had just called her wondering what they were doing if they were going to the melting pot. when bonnie just told me its too late to go to hollisters and her mom will probably be making dinner soon since its almost 4?!?! i dont care if she made plans with nina that night. we made plans during the day and i freed up my whole day just so i could be with her. i could have made other plans if i knew she was gunna DITCH me and she did DITCH me. shes so stupid, she should have set down a plan with her dad for him to be home so we could go to hollister right after filming the movie. she should have had everything settled. i did my work. i even printed out directions cuz i know she didnt.
so why doesnt she tell nina, lets stop by justins, or why doesnt nina say the same? because they are too busy having fun with eachother not even thinking about me or worrying about me. they dont care. i want friends that care about me.
i know some of my friends dont really deserve this but i know im a stronger person and i know whats right and wrong and this is def. wrong and its hurting me and im not happy and so i need to start clean i need to make new friends or just learn to live on my own since i dont even have a family and so that what ill try to do. im sick of being the one to say im sorry im sick of crawling back but im sick of being the one to forget and forgive. im sick of letting others walk all over me. im sick of all of that shit and its over.
im done