Open Letter To YouKnowWho
Drinking: Take a double shot of Southern Comfort, pour over ice, and add 12 ounces of cola. Repeat 6 times in 5 hours. Result - Very relaxed me!
Thinking: I deserve much better than this. To find myself, every day, getting more and more frustrated, waiting for my “emotional hand-out” of the day (a phone call). But, sooner or later, the phone rings, and there you are. Not that you ever have much to say, (I get diet woes most often), or that it lasts long, (15 min. is our best since a week ago last Sat.) but at least I warranted pressing 2 buttons on the phone.
But, you know what’s worse? Waiting for the other shoe to drop. You put me on notice this weekend, and every day since, I’ve looked at the clock and said, “This is the day I don’t get a call”. And, again, I realize just how little I must matter.
Because, in my heart, the moment I promised to let you control our contact, I knew I had sealed our fate.
I imposed restrictions on myself to not call you or come over there without invitation to do so. This was necessary; otherwise the barrage of “WHYWHYWHY” calls over the first week would have had you arranging to have my number blocked!! I needed time to get over my “devastated” phase, and after the last 6 months, you deserved a rest from me, anyway. Besides, you were “confused” and didn’t have any answers for me. So, I grieve and wait.
Well, nearly 2 weeks later, I’ve gone through at least three emotional lifetimes, and I can honestly say that I could answer any question concerning my feelings over any point in this relationship. But, so could anyone who’d been paying any attention at all during it!
And from you I get “I still love you”, and “I miss you”.
I have literally watched half my heart wither and die. You’ve lost 5 pounds.
Glad to see you’re coping so well, but I’m not.
Let’s try something different, then, shall we? How about, if you feel the need to vent about your day, or you just want to touch base, use the computer. You’re at it at least 3 times a day. You’ve got three different email addresses for me, and if I see you online, you’ll see me. Don’t bother calling unless you’re ready and able to spend some time talking to me instead of at me, and it would be nice if you were capable of maybe even feigning concern over how I was doing. Hey, and if you’re really feeling generous, perhaps you’d try and arrange for this to happen when I have time as well, instead of during the busiest part of my workday.
As for the rest, I wish I could be a better person and just accept that this is all you have to share with me. I wish I could be a better friend and tolerate it longer.
But, I’m awake now, and I know that I’ve earned better.
See, I’m obviously improving, because now I’m capable of getting mad again.