(no subject)
I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow
Baby, I'll try again, try again
Baby, I die - every night, every time
What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can
Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby, I die - every night, every time
But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone - I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting
God, I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out
Baby, I'll try again, try again
Baby, I die - every night, every time
---
God, I've reached that point where nothing else sustains me, and I want to get down on my knees and beg him to change his mind. Which doesn't make sense - because the more I think about it, the more I understand that I am in love with him, but I'm not in love with what our relationship was like in the last few months. And even if he changed his mind, I don't know what I'd say. I'd tell him to come back in a month. I'd tell him that I'm learning that I can be happy - that I can make myself happy - on my own. And I am happy. I have a job I love already, and I have... a doctor's appointment this week, and I have made more friends in the last two weeks than I had in the last two months, and I... I'm okay. I'm okay. And sometimes, that feels amazing.
And I ask myself whether it's our relationship I miss, or the comfort of it - because it was comfortable. It was worn in, and it was natural, and it was... there. And it was supposed to keep being there for at least a couple years. We had plans for the next couple of years. Plans he continued to talk about until the week before he told me he didn't actually... want those plans with me, anymore. And so I ask myself if I just miss the comfort of knowing there is somebody in the world who loves me and thinks I am beautiful.
And sometimes, I say... yes. Without providing any proof that things would be different, our relationship and all it was isn't enough to warrant trying again.
And sometimes, like right now, oh... god. I want him. I want him with everything in me.
There are so many things that we would have to work on - and honestly, he said himself that he didn't have the "energy or commitment" for it anymore... and I deserve energy and commitment. I deserve someone who wants this every bit as much as I do. And I don't know if he would, even if he did change his mind.
I want him to be the one. I know that I deserve someone who is completely committed to our relationship, and loves me with every breath in his body, because that's the only way I know how to love - and I want that person to be him. But I don't know if he is. Well, right now, I *know* he isn't... or we'd be together. But even if he changed his mind, or I convinced him to try again... I don't know if that would be the right thing to do. Trying again. I want it to be, but wanting something with everything you are doesn't make it true.
Sometimes, I understand this, and I am okay with how things have turned out. Because I know that it's for the best.
And sometimes... god, Tim. I love you. I still think we could make this work. It wouldn't be easy, but god, it would be worth it. We're worth it. I'm worth it. And I would spend the rest of my life convincing you, if it took that long. Please let me.
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow
Baby, I'll try again, try again
Baby, I die - every night, every time
What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can
Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby, I die - every night, every time
But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone - I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting
God, I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out
Baby, I'll try again, try again
Baby, I die - every night, every time
---
God, I've reached that point where nothing else sustains me, and I want to get down on my knees and beg him to change his mind. Which doesn't make sense - because the more I think about it, the more I understand that I am in love with him, but I'm not in love with what our relationship was like in the last few months. And even if he changed his mind, I don't know what I'd say. I'd tell him to come back in a month. I'd tell him that I'm learning that I can be happy - that I can make myself happy - on my own. And I am happy. I have a job I love already, and I have... a doctor's appointment this week, and I have made more friends in the last two weeks than I had in the last two months, and I... I'm okay. I'm okay. And sometimes, that feels amazing.
And I ask myself whether it's our relationship I miss, or the comfort of it - because it was comfortable. It was worn in, and it was natural, and it was... there. And it was supposed to keep being there for at least a couple years. We had plans for the next couple of years. Plans he continued to talk about until the week before he told me he didn't actually... want those plans with me, anymore. And so I ask myself if I just miss the comfort of knowing there is somebody in the world who loves me and thinks I am beautiful.
And sometimes, I say... yes. Without providing any proof that things would be different, our relationship and all it was isn't enough to warrant trying again.
And sometimes, like right now, oh... god. I want him. I want him with everything in me.
There are so many things that we would have to work on - and honestly, he said himself that he didn't have the "energy or commitment" for it anymore... and I deserve energy and commitment. I deserve someone who wants this every bit as much as I do. And I don't know if he would, even if he did change his mind.
I want him to be the one. I know that I deserve someone who is completely committed to our relationship, and loves me with every breath in his body, because that's the only way I know how to love - and I want that person to be him. But I don't know if he is. Well, right now, I *know* he isn't... or we'd be together. But even if he changed his mind, or I convinced him to try again... I don't know if that would be the right thing to do. Trying again. I want it to be, but wanting something with everything you are doesn't make it true.
Sometimes, I understand this, and I am okay with how things have turned out. Because I know that it's for the best.
And sometimes... god, Tim. I love you. I still think we could make this work. It wouldn't be easy, but god, it would be worth it. We're worth it. I'm worth it. And I would spend the rest of my life convincing you, if it took that long. Please let me.