Catching up
Wow - has it really been since May that I have bothered to uncork my thoughts and feelings here? I do tend to live my life in the form of addictions and I think that the world of Facebook serving as a mini blog for me has been my outlet that overtook my journal. That... and it seems that I never really have anything positive to write about and it makes me feel like I am parading my negativity... which sometimes makes me feel vulnerable. I'm pretty sure that I don't deem myself to be an unhappy individual. I have my moments... as we all do... but for the most part I like to feel jolly, fun, inspired. But then I dig into my core and come to realize that perhaps too much of that is a facade. Sometimes I guess that it helps to release the negativity and explore it so that you can focus on the good things... or how to turn the bad into good.
It seems like not too much has been going on with me since May. Caty did stay with my dad and stepmom for the most of the summer. I did a little bit of travel. Caty and I went to St. Simon's Island for a week with Elena this summer... went on a few day trips to Savannah and Jekyll while we were there. It was nice to get away and spend time just relaxing. I decided that I definitely want to go back to Savannah sometime soon and spend more time there. Then in July I went on a work "adventure" to Myrtle Beach. It was supposed to be a trip where I recruited and interviewed for a General Manager for the store there. It turned into a nightmare of an adventure that made me remember why I am perfectly content right now not putting myself out there to further advance my career beyond the walls of my own building. Then the end of July I went on my annual Arizona trip for GM conference. It seemed like I was constantly on the go this summer and hardly really had the time to slow down and just breathe. It was actually kind of refreshing when Caty started back to school because it enabled me to force myself to settle into routines again. I tend to function better when there are constants in my life. Caty has a fairly aggressive school load this year and I am so thrilled to know that she is being provided with challenges and that she is bright enough to conquer them. She got lucky enough to be in a class with all of her gifted classmates with a teacher that is in the process of getting her gifted certification. Then during the day she branches out to Challenge Reading, Challenge Math, and gifted classes to give her a step up in her education. We are getting used to having far more homework every night now since all of her enhanced classes give extra work. She seems to enjoy doing her homework and she has always had a hunger for knowledge - I can only hope that she continues with that through the years.
I was doing a good bit of work around the house for awhile... getting things painted and decorated and repaired. After I painted my bedroom I sort of put everything on the back burner for awhile. I think I would like to get the ball rolling with that again as it's nice to feel some sense of accomplishment - not to mention that it's nice to come home every night to a place that truly feels personal and cozy... like a true home should feel. I need to focus and make a list and a budget of things that I would like to accomplish and start cranking away.
Work is finally starting to pick up and get busier and is feeling a little bit like things are turning around and the good old days are making a reappearance. I truly hope that it's not a fluke and becomes a true trend. Trying to feel inspired day in and day out when things look so bleak is really difficult. It's hard to feel like you're doing a good job... hard not to feel beaten down... and hard to pull out inspiration and encouragement for others when sometimes just going to work seems like a laborious chore. My role has certainly changed dramatically over the last year and being someone who isn't always so open to change unless it's my analytical idea, it's been a bit of a rocky road. I've had to learn how to be more sensitive to emotions and problems, all the while being more strict and less tolerant of negative behaviors and performances. I've had to learn to let my anal retentive nature subside at times and reflect on what's truly important instead of overall perfection. I've learned to work harder and smarter and had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes that simply isn't good enough. I have to say that I am a better manager because of it and maybe somewhere deep down I might be a better person because of it. But I have difficulty with the fact that I have lost my inner joy and inspiration and I need to somehow find a way to gain it back and find that person that I truly am instead of the person that I have been forced to conform to in order to keep my head above water.
On a family note... I suppose I'll start with the least detailed and complicated and work my way through. This last year I have felt like a horrible sister to Curtis. He is in Japan and I feel very disconnected from him. Phone calls to Japan got so expensive that I simply stopped making them. But I can't say that I've done my sisterly duties and sent him emails or letters or anything to let him know that I care. I have absolutely no idea how he is doing or what is going on with him and I can only assume that no news is good news? Mental note: send an email TODAY! With Chris, I have wanted to salvage that relationship for years and it had almost seemed like this was the year that it was going to happen. We shared some good phone conversations and had a lot of laughs and cries together - put a lot of words and emotions out there that had been bottled up for so long. But just when I feel like we are started to make ground, the connection is gone. He keeps making commitments to come here and spend time with us and meet Caty and whatnot - but then when it comes down to it, I don't hear from him. He's going through a divorce right now which I absolutely know is very hard on him. I have tried to reach out to him and let him know that he has a friend and an ear and even a shoulder if he needs any of those, but it seems that my efforts have been in vain. I'll keep trying and only hope that it's not a totally lost cause. My relationship with my stepmom has progressed more than any over this last year. I mentioned that we went on a vacation with her and we have had more phone conversations than ever before. But right now I feel myself feeling the need to pull away as I tend to do when situations get a little too painful and emotional for me to deal with. I know that is not the right solution - and I know that right now more than ever she needs people around to support her. She has recently found out that her cancer has come back and has been experiencing many health problems surrounding it. She was talking to me about it on the phone the other day, and for the first time ever to me began discussing game plans for her things when she dies. She wanted to talk about her wedding china and her odds and ends and where they should go. It made me sad that after this long of a battle that I felt like she was admitting defeat. Honestly, I am sure that she worries about those things day in and day out... that they will be a burden for someone else to carry and she doesn't want that. But I don't deal with death and emotional pain in a healthy way. It took me 10 years to even have a remote desire to go through my mother's things and my childhood things after my mom died because the pain was too intense. I needed to create a new life where I had separated myself from the pain and the memories so that the material possessions held less feeling. I find it unfair that hurt and sadness and loss are inevitable parts of life and love. This is precisely the reason that I feel the need to love so frugally and cautiously. I understand that it's selfish, but it's how I cope. I am trying to remind myself that I need to do the right thing for Caty and allow her to have memories instead of protect her from pain. In the end, isn't it the pain that sculpts you into the person you will become? Which come to think of it... that may be my problem. All of the pain that I have experienced in my life as it relates to lost love has sculpted me into a person who is stubborn and independent and terrified to let people get too close to me. I'm not sure that I ever want that for her.
On a final note since this entry has become a little more long and emotional than I had intended, I should update on my health. This summer I took a step outside of my comfort zone and decided to make an appointment with a family doctor to have a complete body physical. I turned 30 on my last birthday which was a very difficult birthday for me. I think because the last year or so I have really seen visible signs of aging that have been much more difficult to reverse... and I FELT like I was getting older. Not to mention it's a milestone where you are forced to think about the things that you meant to do with your life that you never got around to... or failed miserably at. Anyway - my mom died so young and 30 just seemed so much closer to her age when she passed that I felt like I would have stronger inner peace if I knew that nothing was terribly wrong with me. The doctor did an EKG, cholesterol screening, thyroid tests, insulin tests, etc.... and I am so glad to report that I was perfectly healthy. Well... aside from the fact that I had put on quite a bit of extra weight that I've never had before. She and I had an intense discussion about that and she was perfectly willing to put me on medication to help me lose the weight. The thought of losing the weight and feeling and looking more like that person that I used to like sounded like a brilliant idea to me at first. After a lot of contemplation, I decided against it. I determined that would be a short term fix and while it might help me take the weight off very quickly and dramatically, it won't change lifestyles and behaviors in my life that are necessary for me to ensure that I don't gain it back. So... I did decide to join Weight Watchers even though the thought of sitting in a room full of weight challenged people talking about being fat didn't really appeal to me. I do think that it's a great program and have seen long term success from many people who have tried it and stuck to the plan because it truly does change your lifestyle without removing things completely that you enjoy. Since I have started it, I have lost 12 pounds which is great... but I can't really say that it's because I have been doing the plan consistently as I should. I need to be a bit more focused on it, as well as my exercise in order to ensure that I continue to see results. Looking at myself in the mirror makes me unhappy, and I do know that it is something that I can control if I am consistent and have daily perseverance.
Anyway, it's noon and I have yet to shower or get out of my PJ's today so I'm thinking that might be a good call. I'm supposed to go to the dentist today, but I'm thinking that is not going to happen. Gotta go be productive!
It seems like not too much has been going on with me since May. Caty did stay with my dad and stepmom for the most of the summer. I did a little bit of travel. Caty and I went to St. Simon's Island for a week with Elena this summer... went on a few day trips to Savannah and Jekyll while we were there. It was nice to get away and spend time just relaxing. I decided that I definitely want to go back to Savannah sometime soon and spend more time there. Then in July I went on a work "adventure" to Myrtle Beach. It was supposed to be a trip where I recruited and interviewed for a General Manager for the store there. It turned into a nightmare of an adventure that made me remember why I am perfectly content right now not putting myself out there to further advance my career beyond the walls of my own building. Then the end of July I went on my annual Arizona trip for GM conference. It seemed like I was constantly on the go this summer and hardly really had the time to slow down and just breathe. It was actually kind of refreshing when Caty started back to school because it enabled me to force myself to settle into routines again. I tend to function better when there are constants in my life. Caty has a fairly aggressive school load this year and I am so thrilled to know that she is being provided with challenges and that she is bright enough to conquer them. She got lucky enough to be in a class with all of her gifted classmates with a teacher that is in the process of getting her gifted certification. Then during the day she branches out to Challenge Reading, Challenge Math, and gifted classes to give her a step up in her education. We are getting used to having far more homework every night now since all of her enhanced classes give extra work. She seems to enjoy doing her homework and she has always had a hunger for knowledge - I can only hope that she continues with that through the years.
I was doing a good bit of work around the house for awhile... getting things painted and decorated and repaired. After I painted my bedroom I sort of put everything on the back burner for awhile. I think I would like to get the ball rolling with that again as it's nice to feel some sense of accomplishment - not to mention that it's nice to come home every night to a place that truly feels personal and cozy... like a true home should feel. I need to focus and make a list and a budget of things that I would like to accomplish and start cranking away.
Work is finally starting to pick up and get busier and is feeling a little bit like things are turning around and the good old days are making a reappearance. I truly hope that it's not a fluke and becomes a true trend. Trying to feel inspired day in and day out when things look so bleak is really difficult. It's hard to feel like you're doing a good job... hard not to feel beaten down... and hard to pull out inspiration and encouragement for others when sometimes just going to work seems like a laborious chore. My role has certainly changed dramatically over the last year and being someone who isn't always so open to change unless it's my analytical idea, it's been a bit of a rocky road. I've had to learn how to be more sensitive to emotions and problems, all the while being more strict and less tolerant of negative behaviors and performances. I've had to learn to let my anal retentive nature subside at times and reflect on what's truly important instead of overall perfection. I've learned to work harder and smarter and had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes that simply isn't good enough. I have to say that I am a better manager because of it and maybe somewhere deep down I might be a better person because of it. But I have difficulty with the fact that I have lost my inner joy and inspiration and I need to somehow find a way to gain it back and find that person that I truly am instead of the person that I have been forced to conform to in order to keep my head above water.
On a family note... I suppose I'll start with the least detailed and complicated and work my way through. This last year I have felt like a horrible sister to Curtis. He is in Japan and I feel very disconnected from him. Phone calls to Japan got so expensive that I simply stopped making them. But I can't say that I've done my sisterly duties and sent him emails or letters or anything to let him know that I care. I have absolutely no idea how he is doing or what is going on with him and I can only assume that no news is good news? Mental note: send an email TODAY! With Chris, I have wanted to salvage that relationship for years and it had almost seemed like this was the year that it was going to happen. We shared some good phone conversations and had a lot of laughs and cries together - put a lot of words and emotions out there that had been bottled up for so long. But just when I feel like we are started to make ground, the connection is gone. He keeps making commitments to come here and spend time with us and meet Caty and whatnot - but then when it comes down to it, I don't hear from him. He's going through a divorce right now which I absolutely know is very hard on him. I have tried to reach out to him and let him know that he has a friend and an ear and even a shoulder if he needs any of those, but it seems that my efforts have been in vain. I'll keep trying and only hope that it's not a totally lost cause. My relationship with my stepmom has progressed more than any over this last year. I mentioned that we went on a vacation with her and we have had more phone conversations than ever before. But right now I feel myself feeling the need to pull away as I tend to do when situations get a little too painful and emotional for me to deal with. I know that is not the right solution - and I know that right now more than ever she needs people around to support her. She has recently found out that her cancer has come back and has been experiencing many health problems surrounding it. She was talking to me about it on the phone the other day, and for the first time ever to me began discussing game plans for her things when she dies. She wanted to talk about her wedding china and her odds and ends and where they should go. It made me sad that after this long of a battle that I felt like she was admitting defeat. Honestly, I am sure that she worries about those things day in and day out... that they will be a burden for someone else to carry and she doesn't want that. But I don't deal with death and emotional pain in a healthy way. It took me 10 years to even have a remote desire to go through my mother's things and my childhood things after my mom died because the pain was too intense. I needed to create a new life where I had separated myself from the pain and the memories so that the material possessions held less feeling. I find it unfair that hurt and sadness and loss are inevitable parts of life and love. This is precisely the reason that I feel the need to love so frugally and cautiously. I understand that it's selfish, but it's how I cope. I am trying to remind myself that I need to do the right thing for Caty and allow her to have memories instead of protect her from pain. In the end, isn't it the pain that sculpts you into the person you will become? Which come to think of it... that may be my problem. All of the pain that I have experienced in my life as it relates to lost love has sculpted me into a person who is stubborn and independent and terrified to let people get too close to me. I'm not sure that I ever want that for her.
On a final note since this entry has become a little more long and emotional than I had intended, I should update on my health. This summer I took a step outside of my comfort zone and decided to make an appointment with a family doctor to have a complete body physical. I turned 30 on my last birthday which was a very difficult birthday for me. I think because the last year or so I have really seen visible signs of aging that have been much more difficult to reverse... and I FELT like I was getting older. Not to mention it's a milestone where you are forced to think about the things that you meant to do with your life that you never got around to... or failed miserably at. Anyway - my mom died so young and 30 just seemed so much closer to her age when she passed that I felt like I would have stronger inner peace if I knew that nothing was terribly wrong with me. The doctor did an EKG, cholesterol screening, thyroid tests, insulin tests, etc.... and I am so glad to report that I was perfectly healthy. Well... aside from the fact that I had put on quite a bit of extra weight that I've never had before. She and I had an intense discussion about that and she was perfectly willing to put me on medication to help me lose the weight. The thought of losing the weight and feeling and looking more like that person that I used to like sounded like a brilliant idea to me at first. After a lot of contemplation, I decided against it. I determined that would be a short term fix and while it might help me take the weight off very quickly and dramatically, it won't change lifestyles and behaviors in my life that are necessary for me to ensure that I don't gain it back. So... I did decide to join Weight Watchers even though the thought of sitting in a room full of weight challenged people talking about being fat didn't really appeal to me. I do think that it's a great program and have seen long term success from many people who have tried it and stuck to the plan because it truly does change your lifestyle without removing things completely that you enjoy. Since I have started it, I have lost 12 pounds which is great... but I can't really say that it's because I have been doing the plan consistently as I should. I need to be a bit more focused on it, as well as my exercise in order to ensure that I continue to see results. Looking at myself in the mirror makes me unhappy, and I do know that it is something that I can control if I am consistent and have daily perseverance.
Anyway, it's noon and I have yet to shower or get out of my PJ's today so I'm thinking that might be a good call. I'm supposed to go to the dentist today, but I'm thinking that is not going to happen. Gotta go be productive!