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Well...I went to Lana's visitation, and it was really sad. She looked so old. I almost broke down, but I fought back the tears. It was hard, though. Seeing my brother in so much pain. Seeing her friends and family weeping for her. Thinking about how if she had not bridged the gap between father and son, I would not be lucky enough to have my brother Curt in my life. I am so thankful to her for having such a great heart. She pieced my life back together again, and I will always be in her debt. She will be sadly missed...
I got to go out for Chinese afterwards, so that was fun. The whole family (Mom, Dad, DJ, Curt and I). We then went to Baker's Square for some pie...MMMM! Delicious pie there, I must say!
Curt bought me the Depeche Mode Remixed CD...I cannot wait to get it! ^__^
Things have been hectic and a little sad, and I keep thinking of things I should not think about anymore. It is just so hard to let go sometime. And I have come to realise that I do not so much miss the one I loved, but rather the feeling of being loved. I know I have felt like this before, but I think that I mainly get depressed over certain people because I no longer have that reassurance that I mean something to someone, and that I am important. That is why I am so quick to forgive. I hate to lose friends, and that is why I am having such a hard time moving on...with any relationship I had, for that matter. I know a majority of the people in my life or the people who WERE in my life are/were very destructive, not only to themselves, but to others (namely me), and that I am/was better off with out them, yet I cannot seem to hold grudges. I have been fucked over and used too many times to count, yet I still fogive and forget. They basically rape my soul for all it is worth, yet out pours the love that a million years could not erase. And for what? To get used all over again. To have my heart ripped out by everyone I have ever known. Love is nothing but a word that people say to get you into bed and use you. That is all I have come to know, and that is all I will ever know. I might as well get used to the fact that every guy I have ever met was a disappointment, only wanting me for a cheap thrill, going at numerous expenses to get it, whether it be by lying, cheating, materialism or force. EVERY man in my life has used me, violated me and crushed me. I do want love again, but I am scared. What will happen to me heart if I give into my childlike fascination with love? I know I will only have a broken heart to mend. And that, my dear friends, is the ultimate reality. Life is not meant to find love and live for love...no, it is meant to live life with the least shattered heart. Only those with their hearts intact survive, and I fear I am out of the race.
~Spooky
I got to go out for Chinese afterwards, so that was fun. The whole family (Mom, Dad, DJ, Curt and I). We then went to Baker's Square for some pie...MMMM! Delicious pie there, I must say!
Curt bought me the Depeche Mode Remixed CD...I cannot wait to get it! ^__^
Things have been hectic and a little sad, and I keep thinking of things I should not think about anymore. It is just so hard to let go sometime. And I have come to realise that I do not so much miss the one I loved, but rather the feeling of being loved. I know I have felt like this before, but I think that I mainly get depressed over certain people because I no longer have that reassurance that I mean something to someone, and that I am important. That is why I am so quick to forgive. I hate to lose friends, and that is why I am having such a hard time moving on...with any relationship I had, for that matter. I know a majority of the people in my life or the people who WERE in my life are/were very destructive, not only to themselves, but to others (namely me), and that I am/was better off with out them, yet I cannot seem to hold grudges. I have been fucked over and used too many times to count, yet I still fogive and forget. They basically rape my soul for all it is worth, yet out pours the love that a million years could not erase. And for what? To get used all over again. To have my heart ripped out by everyone I have ever known. Love is nothing but a word that people say to get you into bed and use you. That is all I have come to know, and that is all I will ever know. I might as well get used to the fact that every guy I have ever met was a disappointment, only wanting me for a cheap thrill, going at numerous expenses to get it, whether it be by lying, cheating, materialism or force. EVERY man in my life has used me, violated me and crushed me. I do want love again, but I am scared. What will happen to me heart if I give into my childlike fascination with love? I know I will only have a broken heart to mend. And that, my dear friends, is the ultimate reality. Life is not meant to find love and live for love...no, it is meant to live life with the least shattered heart. Only those with their hearts intact survive, and I fear I am out of the race.
~Spooky