(no subject)
In Memoriam
Of Stafanie Lam
May she rest in Peace
This is for Steph
It just sort of happened, nothing really mattered anymore. I did not want to go on living the way I had lived for years, I wanted to survive, but I wanted to make myself suffer. Her voice would not stop ringing in my ears, and I couldn’t help feeling mad at the world for not recognizing how sad her passing was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and yet, I could not absorb the shock of it. The last thing she said was, “Bye, see ya on Saturday, but Saturday never came, she had been run over, in a bloody accident, she was not even five tall, and she was run over by an SUV. She had been my best friend for six years. I learned free-style from her, my stroke, sharing the right-side-breathing, and the breath every two strokes. I had learned my sport from her, the only thing I do.
Now that I think about it, sometime ago, my dentist told me not to worry about missing swim practice, don’t get so worked up about it, “It’s not like it’s that important, there are more important things in life than swimming.” Now that I think about it, the more I realize that she was dead wrong. Swimming is a part of me, without it, I would be very lost. I have swum to beat them all, kicking ass at New Englands with a busted knee, swimming summer districts with wit ha bruised eyelid,(goggles kill, ya know.) and getting up at insane hours in the morning to compete. Stef and I did all of this together, now, in the last year that she’s gonna be on the team, she gets herself hit by a car.
People at school say she committed suicide, let me say this, I knew her before any of you liars did, I knew her like the back of my hand. People say death is a part of life. The part that isn’t said is sometimes it can destroy your life. In some ways, this has happened, my definition of a friend is identified by the question, ‘If they died, would I be devastated?’
Justine once asked me who my favorite FMA character was, and I said I didn’t know. She said I don’t really understand the way Ed and Al work you know? No I know exactly how they work, but I think that also in a way it’s helped me, now I have a driving reason to do things, for Steph, I live for two, in a way, we were like twins… she taught me everything I know, and when I couldn’t talk, she talked for me. That’s why I have to go to counseling for theatre. I never learned to talk in front of people… I wish I could but I can’t, I work behind the scenes, as always , for now and forever, locked out of teenage society, helping the smaller people, the animals, I want to become a vet more than ever now, to show Steph just how much she taught me. Thank You Please remember Stephanie Lam, and Mariah, the odd ones out.
Now it's 2007 and I've had a great year, what with biology and everything, I even helped take BLS to sectionals and on to states in swimming, winding up with the horrendus nickname, "Freshman Phenom." A reporter even wanted to interview me for getting some awards at the city science fair.
Funny how that works, on the exact same day she died, a photographer is taking pictures of me and my, as Dr. Maas called it, "Prize winning science project." I still miss her though, and sometimes, it gets to be a little too much and I don't wind up sleeping much that night.
Along with swimming there's another thing she gave me, really, Pokemon was the first anime I got into, but she would draw it during the long hours of Gator swim meets. I didn't keep any of her pictures, but I think that Stephanie also gave me a little bit of my love for anime.
The green is what I wrote two years ago, right after she died. The red has been added April 9, 2007.