Light Finger 7 - Breaking Point
Questions push Ivoreth past her limits.
She roused with the scent of flowers and tangy herbs in her nose and with the feel of soft fabric over a hard and yet moving surface beneath her cheeks. Her face was warm, and a strong and gentle arm was wrapped around her, holding her close. A small squeal and then a grinding cough convinced Ivoreth to open her eyes, and then she stiffened.
She was in a garden, nestled into the lap of Lord Elladan - at least, she thought it was Lord Elladan - with Raini in her little white gown looking about with an expression of pure wonder. The little child gamely tottered to the edge of the blanket that had been spread on the grass in a patch of warm sunlight, and then she squatted and patted at the green leaflets with another small squeal of delight. Ivoreth felt another of her worrisome burdens fall away as she noted that her little sister was much improved - the coughing, while still there, was much less distressing, and the rasping sounds with every breath had become almost too soft to hear.
Raini turned a pleased little face to the one on whose lap Ivoreth was cradled, and then smiled even wider when she saw her big sister’s eyes open and watching her. “Ivo! See!” She squatted down and patted the grass again with the flats of her hand. “It’s soft!”
Ivoreth lifted her head slightly and then shifted, grateful that the arm that held her close loosened so that she had the freedom to do as she would. “I see, Raini,” she replied softly and then found herself wishing she had the energy to smile as her little sister tottered off the edge of the blanket and landed on her bottom on the soft, green grass with another squeal of glee, followed by another cough.
How different it is here from the stone of the ledge!
“It’s such a pretty day, I couldn’t see keeping either of you indoors,” the deep, musical voice rumbled down at her. “All children need to be in the sun to grow strong and straight. We can’t keep her outside too long - she needs to save much of her strength for getting better - but a little time in a garden and in the sun can’t hurt.”
Ivoreth forced herself to relax back against Lord Elladan’s chest, content to simply watch from there as her little sister roamed and explored and discovered this new world. She wasn’t wandering far - years spent on a high ledge being nagged and bullied into staying close to the outer wall and her older brother or sister had taught her not to stray out of reach - but Raini was enjoying her limited freedom greatly.
“I think that you need the sun and time in this garden every bit as much as she does, Ivoreth,” he continued after a short pause. “I think you’ve forgotten that life can be simple and sweet - something to be enjoyed and treasured, and shared with a little sister.” He laughed as Raini found a tiny clover flower from within the green grass and brought it up to her nose - then reached out his free arm to steady and then gather in the child as she came close to offer her new friend the flower.
“Thank you, sweetling,” he told her in a tone so warm that it made Ivoreth shiver in remembrance of her Da’s voice.
I won’t cry anymore.
“Do you see?” Lord Elladan asked Ivoreth with a gentle voice after he’d helped Raini clamber up not only on his leg, but then into Ivoreth’s lap to snuggle down against her big sister. “She needs you very much.”
Ivoreth sighed and put her arm around her little sister in much the same way Lord Elladan had his arm around her. It was oddly comforting to have Raini coming to her again the way she always had - to have her little head tucked underneath her chin. The empty, hollow feeling suddenly echoed as if someone had dropped a pebble into the cistern chamber when nobody was there.
Daren. He should be here.
She sighed again, missing desperately the pressure of another head pressed against her arm. Somehow, all was incomplete now with that piece of her family gone forever.
Lord Elladan said something in his musical language, and a gentle, grey-gowned healer approached and carefully took a now sleepy Raini from Ivoreth’s arms. Ivoreth sighed a very tiny complaint, but was otherwise silent as the healer let the little girl’s head nestle down on her shoulder and then carried her away, murmuring softly at the child. With Raini now gone, Ivoreth sagged limply against the Lord’s chest. All reason for her to put forth energy had vanished with the healer.
“I think you need your sister very much as well,” Lord Elladan continued his gentle one-sided discussion, “perhaps even more right now than she needs you. Her illness is a matter of the body and fairly easily remedied with medicine, proper food and care - yours is something far more difficult to address, mostly because you hold your pain inside and share it with no one.”
If he would just stop talking, I could go back to sleep.
“And so I find myself wondering if it has always been just you and Raini. The serious illness of a very young child, while grievous, is certainly not enough to put such a dark cloud over your spirit; so there must be another involved somewhere. Do you have any other brothers or sisters?”
Ivoreth flinched hard and then shook her head quickly against the hard chest.
The arm about her tightened slightly, and a large hand came up to stroke her hair again. “A younger brother or sister perhaps? One who is no longer with you?”
Stop!
Ivoreth drew in a quick gasp and clenched her eyes closed. She shook her head more vigorously against the chest, trying not to care about the pain that exploded in her face when she bumped her nose against hard body beneath the soft cloth.
“Talk to me, Ivoreth.”
NO!
She began to struggle to get free of the confining arm. She couldn’t stay here - didn’t want to be pushed and prodded. She didn’t want to tell him about Daren - or Evien. She didn’t want to think about them - it hurt too much.
“No, little one. No more running away.” Lord Elladan’s arm was as strong as steel and wouldn’t give an inch. He pulled her in even closer. “Stop,” he warned sternly, “or you’ll hurt yourself.”
Let me go! Don’t make me think about them!
Ivoreth fought the bands of steel about her until her meager supply of energy was gone, and then she fell back against Lord Elladan’s chest with a swallowed sob. Her arm ached badly from where she’d tried to twist out of his grasp, her nose once more felt heavy on her face, and her heart was pounding painfully in her ears. Emotions she no longer had the energy to hold back threatened to overwhelm her, and she could no longer control the trembling that began in the center of her chest and spread outward.
“Hush!” Lord Elladan began rocking her back and forth. “Let go, Ivoreth. You’re safe now - you need not carry this burden alone anymore.”
“I can’t!” she cried softly. If she let go, she would shatter.
“Yes, you can,” Lord Elladan told her gently, his lips near her ear. “You don’t have to be strong anymore - nobody is going to think less of you. You’ve done more than most your age…”
“But…” Ivoreth squeezed her eyes closed, amazed that even now there were tears wanting to come forth. “But… I lost them…” she finally managed, her voice falling into almost a howl of despair.
“Lost who, little one?” Lord Elladan asked softly. “When?”
“They forced me to take her out in the rain.”
“Who, sweetling?”
“Evien.” She whispered the name and found herself clutching at the rich fabric she was laying against. “She died…” Ivoreth hiccoughed and then began to weep. “And then Daren…”
“He died too?”
She shook her head slowly, the trembling growing stronger. “The Guards took him - and he wasn’t even doing anything wrong…” She took a painfully deep breath. “I couldn’t take care of them right - couldn’t even get the medicine for Raini without losing it - and they’re gone now. And it’s all… my fault…”
All of a sudden, the dam inside her broke. Ivoreth’s sobs were deep, as if her very soul were ripping into shreds. Her utter failure was now out, and there was nowhere left to hide. Even had Lord Elladan allowed her to do so, throwing an arm over her head and curling herself into a tiny ball would not protect her anymore from her many mistakes that had cost others their lives.
But the arms about her were gentle despite being strong, and the rocking motion didn’t increase or cease. As the storm slowed, she found herself clutching the soft fabric of the Lord’s robe as if it were the only thing holding her in place. The tears kept coming, but Ivoreth was completely spent - and she rested quietly against the hard chest and the tear-soaked robe.
“There now, little one,” Lord Elladan murmured to her as he continued to rock her once the worst of the emotional storm was past. “Such a burden you’ve carried! To lose a brother and a sister, as well as your parents, is a heavy load of grief for one so young as you to bear. Hush!”
Ivoreth began to shiver again from the sensation that all warmth had left her. She could no longer feel the warmth of the sun on her face, or gather any warmth through the Lord’s robes into her body. She felt Lord Elladan turn and aim a low statement at someone unseen, and in very little time, a soft blanket was wrapped around her and tucked in carefully. Still she shivered until her teeth chattered together helplessly.
Lord Elladan rose and carried her back into the hallway and then to a room with smooth, rapid steps. A fire had been build back up again, and he seated himself very close to it with her still held in his arms. “All will be well, Ivoreth,” he soothed and aimed another command over Ivoreth’s head.
A long moment later, Ivoreth felt the touch of a heavy mug against her lips. “Drink,” Lord Elladan told her firmly. “This will warm you.”
Ivoreth let the warm liquid slip over her lips and down her throat, even though it felt as if it burned all the way to her stomach. It did indeed warm her, but the taste was bitter. Exhausted, however, she had no strength to resist. The mug remained at her lips until it had been tipped all the way back, and she had drained all of its contents.
“Sleep now,” Lord Elladan whispered at her softly. “And when you awaken next time, you will be better - even if you may not believe so at the time.”
Having no energy to do anything but let go and trust for the very first time, Ivoreth once more let go of her hold on reality and tipped over into a warm and soothing darkness.
oOoOo
The sound of a child’s voice penetrated the darkness between dreams and caught at Ivoreth’s attention. “I wan’ Ivo!”
“Your sister’s sleeping,” was the whispered reply. “She’s been ill, like you have, and…”
“I wan’ Ivo!” Raini whimpered and then coughed.
“Raini?” Ivoreth roused just enough to answer, but not enough to open her eyes. “Come here, my Raini-Day girl.” She put out her good arm in the direction of her sister’s voice.
There was a rustling of cloth, the chill of blankets being drawn back, and then the squirming body of her little sister was snuggling into the hollow of her good arm. Ivoreth shifted so that she could wrap that good arm around her sister and hold her close to keep her warm, and then sighed as the warm blankets settled once more over them both.
“You sick?” Raini asked in a worried voice.
“I’m fine,” Ivoreth soothed her and brushed her sister’s forehead with her lips. “Go back to sleep.”
Raini settled down almost at once. Ivoreth took a deep breath and tried to let go of her hold on the world again. Raini was safe next to her; she was warm and comfortable. All was right with the…
Daren.
Ivoreth felt the ache that was the empty spot against her arm that her little brother would snuggle into, but it wasn’t a soul-killing agony. All was not completely right with the world after all, but for the moment, it was enough that she had Raini next to her safe, warm and getting better. She listened carefully to the sound of her sister’s breathing and knew a little relief when there were no rasping breaths to go with the coughs.
We’re going to live - for now. I guess.
She refused to let her mind tackle the question of what would happen to them once Raini was well enough to leave the Houses of Healing. She just couldn’t face the darkness of what was to come right now. It was bad enough to be forced to deal with the reality of the darknesses that still lingered close to her heart. Lord Elladan had given his word, however, that Raini wouldn’t be sold - and with so little hope otherwise, Ivoreth was forced to trust that he’d keep his word.
The warmth and the warm little bundle that was a sleeping Raini were working their magic on her, however. Ivoreth soon gave another deep sigh and settled back down into the dreams from which she had emerged.
She roused with the scent of flowers and tangy herbs in her nose and with the feel of soft fabric over a hard and yet moving surface beneath her cheeks. Her face was warm, and a strong and gentle arm was wrapped around her, holding her close. A small squeal and then a grinding cough convinced Ivoreth to open her eyes, and then she stiffened.
She was in a garden, nestled into the lap of Lord Elladan - at least, she thought it was Lord Elladan - with Raini in her little white gown looking about with an expression of pure wonder. The little child gamely tottered to the edge of the blanket that had been spread on the grass in a patch of warm sunlight, and then she squatted and patted at the green leaflets with another small squeal of delight. Ivoreth felt another of her worrisome burdens fall away as she noted that her little sister was much improved - the coughing, while still there, was much less distressing, and the rasping sounds with every breath had become almost too soft to hear.
Raini turned a pleased little face to the one on whose lap Ivoreth was cradled, and then smiled even wider when she saw her big sister’s eyes open and watching her. “Ivo! See!” She squatted down and patted the grass again with the flats of her hand. “It’s soft!”
Ivoreth lifted her head slightly and then shifted, grateful that the arm that held her close loosened so that she had the freedom to do as she would. “I see, Raini,” she replied softly and then found herself wishing she had the energy to smile as her little sister tottered off the edge of the blanket and landed on her bottom on the soft, green grass with another squeal of glee, followed by another cough.
How different it is here from the stone of the ledge!
“It’s such a pretty day, I couldn’t see keeping either of you indoors,” the deep, musical voice rumbled down at her. “All children need to be in the sun to grow strong and straight. We can’t keep her outside too long - she needs to save much of her strength for getting better - but a little time in a garden and in the sun can’t hurt.”
Ivoreth forced herself to relax back against Lord Elladan’s chest, content to simply watch from there as her little sister roamed and explored and discovered this new world. She wasn’t wandering far - years spent on a high ledge being nagged and bullied into staying close to the outer wall and her older brother or sister had taught her not to stray out of reach - but Raini was enjoying her limited freedom greatly.
“I think that you need the sun and time in this garden every bit as much as she does, Ivoreth,” he continued after a short pause. “I think you’ve forgotten that life can be simple and sweet - something to be enjoyed and treasured, and shared with a little sister.” He laughed as Raini found a tiny clover flower from within the green grass and brought it up to her nose - then reached out his free arm to steady and then gather in the child as she came close to offer her new friend the flower.
“Thank you, sweetling,” he told her in a tone so warm that it made Ivoreth shiver in remembrance of her Da’s voice.
I won’t cry anymore.
“Do you see?” Lord Elladan asked Ivoreth with a gentle voice after he’d helped Raini clamber up not only on his leg, but then into Ivoreth’s lap to snuggle down against her big sister. “She needs you very much.”
Ivoreth sighed and put her arm around her little sister in much the same way Lord Elladan had his arm around her. It was oddly comforting to have Raini coming to her again the way she always had - to have her little head tucked underneath her chin. The empty, hollow feeling suddenly echoed as if someone had dropped a pebble into the cistern chamber when nobody was there.
Daren. He should be here.
She sighed again, missing desperately the pressure of another head pressed against her arm. Somehow, all was incomplete now with that piece of her family gone forever.
Lord Elladan said something in his musical language, and a gentle, grey-gowned healer approached and carefully took a now sleepy Raini from Ivoreth’s arms. Ivoreth sighed a very tiny complaint, but was otherwise silent as the healer let the little girl’s head nestle down on her shoulder and then carried her away, murmuring softly at the child. With Raini now gone, Ivoreth sagged limply against the Lord’s chest. All reason for her to put forth energy had vanished with the healer.
“I think you need your sister very much as well,” Lord Elladan continued his gentle one-sided discussion, “perhaps even more right now than she needs you. Her illness is a matter of the body and fairly easily remedied with medicine, proper food and care - yours is something far more difficult to address, mostly because you hold your pain inside and share it with no one.”
If he would just stop talking, I could go back to sleep.
“And so I find myself wondering if it has always been just you and Raini. The serious illness of a very young child, while grievous, is certainly not enough to put such a dark cloud over your spirit; so there must be another involved somewhere. Do you have any other brothers or sisters?”
Ivoreth flinched hard and then shook her head quickly against the hard chest.
The arm about her tightened slightly, and a large hand came up to stroke her hair again. “A younger brother or sister perhaps? One who is no longer with you?”
Stop!
Ivoreth drew in a quick gasp and clenched her eyes closed. She shook her head more vigorously against the chest, trying not to care about the pain that exploded in her face when she bumped her nose against hard body beneath the soft cloth.
“Talk to me, Ivoreth.”
NO!
She began to struggle to get free of the confining arm. She couldn’t stay here - didn’t want to be pushed and prodded. She didn’t want to tell him about Daren - or Evien. She didn’t want to think about them - it hurt too much.
“No, little one. No more running away.” Lord Elladan’s arm was as strong as steel and wouldn’t give an inch. He pulled her in even closer. “Stop,” he warned sternly, “or you’ll hurt yourself.”
Let me go! Don’t make me think about them!
Ivoreth fought the bands of steel about her until her meager supply of energy was gone, and then she fell back against Lord Elladan’s chest with a swallowed sob. Her arm ached badly from where she’d tried to twist out of his grasp, her nose once more felt heavy on her face, and her heart was pounding painfully in her ears. Emotions she no longer had the energy to hold back threatened to overwhelm her, and she could no longer control the trembling that began in the center of her chest and spread outward.
“Hush!” Lord Elladan began rocking her back and forth. “Let go, Ivoreth. You’re safe now - you need not carry this burden alone anymore.”
“I can’t!” she cried softly. If she let go, she would shatter.
“Yes, you can,” Lord Elladan told her gently, his lips near her ear. “You don’t have to be strong anymore - nobody is going to think less of you. You’ve done more than most your age…”
“But…” Ivoreth squeezed her eyes closed, amazed that even now there were tears wanting to come forth. “But… I lost them…” she finally managed, her voice falling into almost a howl of despair.
“Lost who, little one?” Lord Elladan asked softly. “When?”
“They forced me to take her out in the rain.”
“Who, sweetling?”
“Evien.” She whispered the name and found herself clutching at the rich fabric she was laying against. “She died…” Ivoreth hiccoughed and then began to weep. “And then Daren…”
“He died too?”
She shook her head slowly, the trembling growing stronger. “The Guards took him - and he wasn’t even doing anything wrong…” She took a painfully deep breath. “I couldn’t take care of them right - couldn’t even get the medicine for Raini without losing it - and they’re gone now. And it’s all… my fault…”
All of a sudden, the dam inside her broke. Ivoreth’s sobs were deep, as if her very soul were ripping into shreds. Her utter failure was now out, and there was nowhere left to hide. Even had Lord Elladan allowed her to do so, throwing an arm over her head and curling herself into a tiny ball would not protect her anymore from her many mistakes that had cost others their lives.
But the arms about her were gentle despite being strong, and the rocking motion didn’t increase or cease. As the storm slowed, she found herself clutching the soft fabric of the Lord’s robe as if it were the only thing holding her in place. The tears kept coming, but Ivoreth was completely spent - and she rested quietly against the hard chest and the tear-soaked robe.
“There now, little one,” Lord Elladan murmured to her as he continued to rock her once the worst of the emotional storm was past. “Such a burden you’ve carried! To lose a brother and a sister, as well as your parents, is a heavy load of grief for one so young as you to bear. Hush!”
Ivoreth began to shiver again from the sensation that all warmth had left her. She could no longer feel the warmth of the sun on her face, or gather any warmth through the Lord’s robes into her body. She felt Lord Elladan turn and aim a low statement at someone unseen, and in very little time, a soft blanket was wrapped around her and tucked in carefully. Still she shivered until her teeth chattered together helplessly.
Lord Elladan rose and carried her back into the hallway and then to a room with smooth, rapid steps. A fire had been build back up again, and he seated himself very close to it with her still held in his arms. “All will be well, Ivoreth,” he soothed and aimed another command over Ivoreth’s head.
A long moment later, Ivoreth felt the touch of a heavy mug against her lips. “Drink,” Lord Elladan told her firmly. “This will warm you.”
Ivoreth let the warm liquid slip over her lips and down her throat, even though it felt as if it burned all the way to her stomach. It did indeed warm her, but the taste was bitter. Exhausted, however, she had no strength to resist. The mug remained at her lips until it had been tipped all the way back, and she had drained all of its contents.
“Sleep now,” Lord Elladan whispered at her softly. “And when you awaken next time, you will be better - even if you may not believe so at the time.”
Having no energy to do anything but let go and trust for the very first time, Ivoreth once more let go of her hold on reality and tipped over into a warm and soothing darkness.
oOoOo
The sound of a child’s voice penetrated the darkness between dreams and caught at Ivoreth’s attention. “I wan’ Ivo!”
“Your sister’s sleeping,” was the whispered reply. “She’s been ill, like you have, and…”
“I wan’ Ivo!” Raini whimpered and then coughed.
“Raini?” Ivoreth roused just enough to answer, but not enough to open her eyes. “Come here, my Raini-Day girl.” She put out her good arm in the direction of her sister’s voice.
There was a rustling of cloth, the chill of blankets being drawn back, and then the squirming body of her little sister was snuggling into the hollow of her good arm. Ivoreth shifted so that she could wrap that good arm around her sister and hold her close to keep her warm, and then sighed as the warm blankets settled once more over them both.
“You sick?” Raini asked in a worried voice.
“I’m fine,” Ivoreth soothed her and brushed her sister’s forehead with her lips. “Go back to sleep.”
Raini settled down almost at once. Ivoreth took a deep breath and tried to let go of her hold on the world again. Raini was safe next to her; she was warm and comfortable. All was right with the…
Daren.
Ivoreth felt the ache that was the empty spot against her arm that her little brother would snuggle into, but it wasn’t a soul-killing agony. All was not completely right with the world after all, but for the moment, it was enough that she had Raini next to her safe, warm and getting better. She listened carefully to the sound of her sister’s breathing and knew a little relief when there were no rasping breaths to go with the coughs.
We’re going to live - for now. I guess.
She refused to let her mind tackle the question of what would happen to them once Raini was well enough to leave the Houses of Healing. She just couldn’t face the darkness of what was to come right now. It was bad enough to be forced to deal with the reality of the darknesses that still lingered close to her heart. Lord Elladan had given his word, however, that Raini wouldn’t be sold - and with so little hope otherwise, Ivoreth was forced to trust that he’d keep his word.
The warmth and the warm little bundle that was a sleeping Raini were working their magic on her, however. Ivoreth soon gave another deep sigh and settled back down into the dreams from which she had emerged.