Fic: All is Violent, All is Bright 8/11
Title: All is Violent, All is Bright 8/11
Author: Team: ANGST
Prompt: innocence
Word count: 1,320 this part
Rating: PG-13 - NC-17 (This part PG-13)
Warnings: Underage 15/17, Apocalypse & general destruction, Violence, Mentions of death, violence towards animals (hunting: prev parts )
Betas:
Summary: Apocalypse AU / a.k.a bb!Survival / a.k.a. cockblockalypse!
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7
____
Arthur pulls away, tossing off the blankets and stumbling out of bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he curses over and over again. The wind is brisk, bitter cold against his exposed skin. He grabs for his coat and pants and slings them on as quickly as possible.
“Arthur. Arthur, wait.” Eames throws the blanket off himself as well, sitting up. But Arthur is already pulling on his boots, not bothering to tie them before he jogs away. He’s nearly sick with embarrassment, stomach churning. He can feel the bile rise in his throat as he trips through the snow, and chokes it down. Arthur is already a hundred feet away before he thinks about what a terrible idea it is to wander off in the dark without a weapon. His pants are already soaked through from the snow. That and he doesn’t have a shirt on beneath his coat. But he can’t go back, not with Eames there, not after getting caught like that.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Arthur thinks. He doesn’t want to go back, but he knows he has to. He’ll freeze out here, or worse. But he can’t quite find it in himself to face Eames yet.
He has been afraid that this is what would happen, that Eames would find out about his dreams. Eames has been great about the nightmares but this is different. Arthur doesn’t understand why this is happening. He recognizes that he cares for Eames, a lot. The pharmacy incident had left no doubt of that.
Arthur also recognizes that Eames is beautiful in a way that he really hasn’t considered before. Eames has a strength about him that Arthur envies. His eyes are kind and intelligent. The way Eames looks at him with those gray-blue irises that expand and contract as he thinks makes Arthur feel like Eames really sees him, that he knows more than he should. Arthur feels like he’s incapable of hiding from Eames.
He tries though, to hide it, because Eames is his friend and he doesn’t want to ruin that. Arthur’s feelings are confusing to him, and he doesn’t know if Eames would ever reciprocate them. Just because Arthur’s feelings are changing towards Eames - he thinks he might be gay which explains a lot actually - it doesn’t mean that Eames will be okay with that; Eames might hate him for it. He might leave. Arthur doesn’t know what he would do if that were to happen.
Arthur’s shoulders slump in defeat. He knows what he has to do. He has to bottle away his emotions. He loves Eames. He wants Eames, but keeping Eames means Arthur has to control himself. He doesn’t want to push Eames away. With a shiver, Arthur turns and heads back to camp.
When he gets back, Eames is pacing. His face is a tense mask of anger and worry. Arthur can see Eames visibly relax when he catches sight of Arthur approaching. Even at this distance, Arthur can practically hear Eames’ sigh of relief.
“Fuck, Arthur. You can’t do that. You can’t just take off in the dark. You didn’t even take a gun!”
“I know,” Arthur murmurs, chagrined. “I’m sorry. I just … I’m sorry. Can we pretend this all never happened? I didn’t mean to … to … it was just a dream. I didn’t know what I was doing.”
An indecipherable emotion washes over Eames’ face before he smiles nervously. “Yeah,” Eames says. “I can forget about it. Just don’t take off like that again.”
Arthur nods and swallows thickly. He can control himself.
They don’t talk about it again, but tension hangs in the air for days. Eames seems uncomfortable, almost melancholy as they carefully avoid each other. Arthur makes sure he’s aware of every signal he gives Eames. He makes sure to only touch Eames in platonic way. It’s hard though. He realizes now just how tactile their relationship has been now that he’s actively trying to alter his behavior. Arthur keeps a careful distance between them at night, not wanting to risk a repeat of the wet dream episode. It feels so cold not being able to press himself up against Eames. He hates it.
Arthur hates that he wakes up shivering in the morning. He hates the aborted movements he has to make when he’s about to sling his arm around Eames’ shoulders as they laugh. He hates not being able to touch Eames without it possibly meaning more. Eames seems equally put off by it all, but he doesn’t say anything about Arthur’s awkwardness towards him.
After some time things go back to being mostly normal. Arthur doesn’t feel instantaneous guilt whenever he leans into Eames as they joke. He can squeeze Eames’ shoulders in a tight hug like they used to. Arthur still dreams though, so he keeps a distance between them at night. It kills him a little, being so close and unable to touch.
Arthur’s desire increases as winter comes to an end. What realizes just how happy Eames makes him. He so badly wants everything they had before. He wishes he could have the same easy relationship they used to have. He wants Eames’ arms wrapped around him at night. He wants it so much that he tells himself he doesn’t notice the way he gradually scoots closer to Eames as they sleep.
Arthur inches his way into Eames’ space looking for any sign that Eames is becoming uncomfortable. He doesn’t see one, but he can’t be sure he’s not lying to himself. He wants to touch Eames all the time. All he wants is a little of what they had. He tells himself he can be happy with it.
Finally, one night, Arthur is lying awake, thoughts drifting to Eames like they always seem to do. He’s suddenly stricken with the uncontrollable urge to press himself against Eames as he sleeps. He wants to feel Eames’ warmth directly against his skin. Before he notices it, he’s reaching out slowly to touch Eames’ hair. Arthur brushes it lightly from Eames’ forehead, biting his lip nervously at the thought of getting caught again.
When Eames doesn’t wake, Arthur gets bolder. He scoots closer and closer as he lightly pets Eames’ hair. He freezes when Eames stirs, but Eames only mumbles something contentedly and presses his head to Arthur’s hand. Arthur moves closer and wraps his arm lightly over Eames’ waist. Eames wakes for a moment and Arthur goes stock still, waiting to see what he does. This is the breaking point. Arthur knows he’s screwed because this is what he wants and all Eames has to do is push him away, to reject him.
Eames is half awake but smiles lightly and reaches to pull Arthur closer. Eames buries his face in Arthur’s neck and sighs sleepily. Arthur relaxes because Eames isn’t pushing him away. A wave of relief washes over him and Arthur smiles lightly into Eames’ hair. He tightens his grip, feeling happy, feeling at home again, and he drifts into sleep.
In the morning they wake still wrapped in each other’s arms. It feels perfect and Arthur never wants to let go. Eames smiles at him softly as they lie together, not saying anything. They both don’t seem to want to get up. Eventually their stomachs force them to get out of bed. The day goes better than Arthur could have hoped. They’re finally getting back to where they were before: companionable, light touches, and easy smiles.
They don’t talk about what happened, but they do go back to cuddling every night. Even if it’s nothing more, Arthur is happy just to have someone, to have a friend. He tells himself that he can live like this. He tells himself that what he and Eames have now is better than nothing at all. Arthur will get over wanting more with time.
part 9
Author: Team: ANGST
Prompt: innocence
Word count: 1,320 this part
Rating: PG-13 - NC-17 (This part PG-13)
Warnings: Underage 15/17, Apocalypse & general destruction, Violence, Mentions of death, violence towards animals (hunting: prev parts )
Betas:
Summary: Apocalypse AU / a.k.a bb!Survival / a.k.a. cockblockalypse!
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7
____
Arthur pulls away, tossing off the blankets and stumbling out of bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he curses over and over again. The wind is brisk, bitter cold against his exposed skin. He grabs for his coat and pants and slings them on as quickly as possible.
“Arthur. Arthur, wait.” Eames throws the blanket off himself as well, sitting up. But Arthur is already pulling on his boots, not bothering to tie them before he jogs away. He’s nearly sick with embarrassment, stomach churning. He can feel the bile rise in his throat as he trips through the snow, and chokes it down. Arthur is already a hundred feet away before he thinks about what a terrible idea it is to wander off in the dark without a weapon. His pants are already soaked through from the snow. That and he doesn’t have a shirt on beneath his coat. But he can’t go back, not with Eames there, not after getting caught like that.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Arthur thinks. He doesn’t want to go back, but he knows he has to. He’ll freeze out here, or worse. But he can’t quite find it in himself to face Eames yet.
He has been afraid that this is what would happen, that Eames would find out about his dreams. Eames has been great about the nightmares but this is different. Arthur doesn’t understand why this is happening. He recognizes that he cares for Eames, a lot. The pharmacy incident had left no doubt of that.
Arthur also recognizes that Eames is beautiful in a way that he really hasn’t considered before. Eames has a strength about him that Arthur envies. His eyes are kind and intelligent. The way Eames looks at him with those gray-blue irises that expand and contract as he thinks makes Arthur feel like Eames really sees him, that he knows more than he should. Arthur feels like he’s incapable of hiding from Eames.
He tries though, to hide it, because Eames is his friend and he doesn’t want to ruin that. Arthur’s feelings are confusing to him, and he doesn’t know if Eames would ever reciprocate them. Just because Arthur’s feelings are changing towards Eames - he thinks he might be gay which explains a lot actually - it doesn’t mean that Eames will be okay with that; Eames might hate him for it. He might leave. Arthur doesn’t know what he would do if that were to happen.
Arthur’s shoulders slump in defeat. He knows what he has to do. He has to bottle away his emotions. He loves Eames. He wants Eames, but keeping Eames means Arthur has to control himself. He doesn’t want to push Eames away. With a shiver, Arthur turns and heads back to camp.
When he gets back, Eames is pacing. His face is a tense mask of anger and worry. Arthur can see Eames visibly relax when he catches sight of Arthur approaching. Even at this distance, Arthur can practically hear Eames’ sigh of relief.
“Fuck, Arthur. You can’t do that. You can’t just take off in the dark. You didn’t even take a gun!”
“I know,” Arthur murmurs, chagrined. “I’m sorry. I just … I’m sorry. Can we pretend this all never happened? I didn’t mean to … to … it was just a dream. I didn’t know what I was doing.”
An indecipherable emotion washes over Eames’ face before he smiles nervously. “Yeah,” Eames says. “I can forget about it. Just don’t take off like that again.”
Arthur nods and swallows thickly. He can control himself.
They don’t talk about it again, but tension hangs in the air for days. Eames seems uncomfortable, almost melancholy as they carefully avoid each other. Arthur makes sure he’s aware of every signal he gives Eames. He makes sure to only touch Eames in platonic way. It’s hard though. He realizes now just how tactile their relationship has been now that he’s actively trying to alter his behavior. Arthur keeps a careful distance between them at night, not wanting to risk a repeat of the wet dream episode. It feels so cold not being able to press himself up against Eames. He hates it.
Arthur hates that he wakes up shivering in the morning. He hates the aborted movements he has to make when he’s about to sling his arm around Eames’ shoulders as they laugh. He hates not being able to touch Eames without it possibly meaning more. Eames seems equally put off by it all, but he doesn’t say anything about Arthur’s awkwardness towards him.
After some time things go back to being mostly normal. Arthur doesn’t feel instantaneous guilt whenever he leans into Eames as they joke. He can squeeze Eames’ shoulders in a tight hug like they used to. Arthur still dreams though, so he keeps a distance between them at night. It kills him a little, being so close and unable to touch.
Arthur’s desire increases as winter comes to an end. What realizes just how happy Eames makes him. He so badly wants everything they had before. He wishes he could have the same easy relationship they used to have. He wants Eames’ arms wrapped around him at night. He wants it so much that he tells himself he doesn’t notice the way he gradually scoots closer to Eames as they sleep.
Arthur inches his way into Eames’ space looking for any sign that Eames is becoming uncomfortable. He doesn’t see one, but he can’t be sure he’s not lying to himself. He wants to touch Eames all the time. All he wants is a little of what they had. He tells himself he can be happy with it.
Finally, one night, Arthur is lying awake, thoughts drifting to Eames like they always seem to do. He’s suddenly stricken with the uncontrollable urge to press himself against Eames as he sleeps. He wants to feel Eames’ warmth directly against his skin. Before he notices it, he’s reaching out slowly to touch Eames’ hair. Arthur brushes it lightly from Eames’ forehead, biting his lip nervously at the thought of getting caught again.
When Eames doesn’t wake, Arthur gets bolder. He scoots closer and closer as he lightly pets Eames’ hair. He freezes when Eames stirs, but Eames only mumbles something contentedly and presses his head to Arthur’s hand. Arthur moves closer and wraps his arm lightly over Eames’ waist. Eames wakes for a moment and Arthur goes stock still, waiting to see what he does. This is the breaking point. Arthur knows he’s screwed because this is what he wants and all Eames has to do is push him away, to reject him.
Eames is half awake but smiles lightly and reaches to pull Arthur closer. Eames buries his face in Arthur’s neck and sighs sleepily. Arthur relaxes because Eames isn’t pushing him away. A wave of relief washes over him and Arthur smiles lightly into Eames’ hair. He tightens his grip, feeling happy, feeling at home again, and he drifts into sleep.
In the morning they wake still wrapped in each other’s arms. It feels perfect and Arthur never wants to let go. Eames smiles at him softly as they lie together, not saying anything. They both don’t seem to want to get up. Eventually their stomachs force them to get out of bed. The day goes better than Arthur could have hoped. They’re finally getting back to where they were before: companionable, light touches, and easy smiles.
They don’t talk about what happened, but they do go back to cuddling every night. Even if it’s nothing more, Arthur is happy just to have someone, to have a friend. He tells himself that he can live like this. He tells himself that what he and Eames have now is better than nothing at all. Arthur will get over wanting more with time.
part 9