I'm so numb, I can't feel
I really am starting to hate my life/where I am in life right now. It's all going so steadily downhill and I dunno how to make it stop. Things had been going so great over the past while, I moved in with the man I love, we got along amazingly, hardly ever fought. Then things changed. I'm not sure why or exactly when, but they did. And I'm pregnant and things don't seem to have gotten much better.
Over the last week or so, my moods have gone from feeling relatively okay and descent to quickly declining into feeling like total shit and some days even disassociated from everything. It's like I don't really feel anything. I'm not happy or mad or depressed, I'm just there. Just existing. Totally numb to any kind of feeling that I should have.
I haven't felt like that in a year or two. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't even know how I'd come out of it the last time. Things just started really working out for awhile and everything seemed okay, I guess. And now they're not so great and I guess everything just seems like it's been shot to shit again.
I really hate feeling this way, though. I had been doing SO GREAT, I hadn't even thought that I needed some sort of medication to keep my moods stabilized in so long, but now I'm not so sure. I honestly thought that the reason I thought that previously was because I was kinda dipping off into popping prescription pills and other various drug use. But I've been away from all that bullshit for so long, I don't think it's a mindset like that. I think I might truly need something to help me keep my own shit straight...
I know the most logical thing to do would be go to a therapist, talk about all this stuff out, see what a professional thinks.... but honestly, (a) I totally don't have the money to go to one & (b) I'd feel so odd talking to someone like that. Weird, I know, considering I'm using an online journal & communities to talk it out, but for some reason it seems different, talking to strangers you know you'll never meet. I'm not sure how that really makes sense, since a therapist actually has the credentials to help, but...it just does seem different, for some unknown reason.
Anyway....I dunno what to do about all this. I talk to my friends (the ones I know I can talk to about this stuff) and they kinda help a little, but it's not enough. I haven't been this depressed/numb in so long, I just dunno how to handle it anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if my panic attacks started creeping up again.
After being out of this mindset for so long, it really sucks to be shoved back into it. Even more so cause it's inadvertently slightly because of the man I love more than my own life.
Over the last week or so, my moods have gone from feeling relatively okay and descent to quickly declining into feeling like total shit and some days even disassociated from everything. It's like I don't really feel anything. I'm not happy or mad or depressed, I'm just there. Just existing. Totally numb to any kind of feeling that I should have.
I haven't felt like that in a year or two. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't even know how I'd come out of it the last time. Things just started really working out for awhile and everything seemed okay, I guess. And now they're not so great and I guess everything just seems like it's been shot to shit again.
I really hate feeling this way, though. I had been doing SO GREAT, I hadn't even thought that I needed some sort of medication to keep my moods stabilized in so long, but now I'm not so sure. I honestly thought that the reason I thought that previously was because I was kinda dipping off into popping prescription pills and other various drug use. But I've been away from all that bullshit for so long, I don't think it's a mindset like that. I think I might truly need something to help me keep my own shit straight...
I know the most logical thing to do would be go to a therapist, talk about all this stuff out, see what a professional thinks.... but honestly, (a) I totally don't have the money to go to one & (b) I'd feel so odd talking to someone like that. Weird, I know, considering I'm using an online journal & communities to talk it out, but for some reason it seems different, talking to strangers you know you'll never meet. I'm not sure how that really makes sense, since a therapist actually has the credentials to help, but...it just does seem different, for some unknown reason.
Anyway....I dunno what to do about all this. I talk to my friends (the ones I know I can talk to about this stuff) and they kinda help a little, but it's not enough. I haven't been this depressed/numb in so long, I just dunno how to handle it anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if my panic attacks started creeping up again.
After being out of this mindset for so long, it really sucks to be shoved back into it. Even more so cause it's inadvertently slightly because of the man I love more than my own life.