I feel horribly guilty.....
...and the truth is, I have no idea whether I have a right to feel that way or not.
I went out to a concert last night with a male friend from work. Dubstep, whatever it's called...and he asked me if I wanted to dance, meaning he grinds up against me. We danced that way for a while; I enjoyed it so much that I felt guilty, so I asked him if we should really be dancing like that...he took it as a cue to back off and we just enjoyed the music for a while. After a couple hours I felt like a douchebag for telling him to back off, and told him if he wanted to dance like that again, it's ok. He promised that he wouldn't go telling everyone about it (and as stupid as I might seem for believing him, he does so much at work that I could blackmail him with if I felt like being a bitch that he most likely wouldn't). I don't do things like this normally. I never go to concerts, I'm not a big fan of socializing with people, and I hate leaving my house unless I'm shopping for something I need. And I feel sorta slutty for doing this...even though all we did was dance. So onto the other reason why I feel guilty.
I've been in what is turning out to be a dead-end relationship for the past three years. The guy I'm with got a promotion sometime two years ago and "has hardly any time anymore". Meaning, if we ever talk, it's when I initiate contact, the three times a month we do hang out and spend time together is when I practically have to fucking beg him to do so. I used to bitch, whine, and get angry over him constantly having everything better to do than spend time with me, but it gets harder and harder to care as time goes by. There's someone else who's very much interested in me, but I've been politely fighting him off until I'm ready to come to a decision (and yes, he knows I'm in a relationship, by the way). I know I need to shit or get off the pot with ending this relationship, and I honest to god don't even know why I still love this guy but I can do something stupid like that. It just blows my mind that someone can have a change of heart in the middle of a damn relationship. I'm in no way saying I'm any better in this situation either.
Wow, don't I sound screwed up. I feel as though any sense of self-respect or esteem I've ever had has been subsequently lost.
and yes, I realize that these are two issues that need to be treated as two issues. If you feel the need to say that, save your breath.