novastrike
in
advice
I don't know anything anymore.
I'm at an impasse emotionally right now about to step off a long rollercoaster of a household and... I'm conflicted, and looking for a 3rd impartial voice.
Off and on I've danced with the idea of living on my own-- I'm 27, and I've slowly climbed that incline of teenhood and learned from observation that being on one's own can actually be pretty damn badass. (/End the snark about THAT... Sorry., I find it helps me communicate, especially if I'm nervous.) At one point, I was looking at options with a former friend in Syracuse which fell through and I abandoned the idea for a good 2 or 3 years, figuring that perhaps it wasn't meant to be.
Now I'm starting with that for a reason-- I'm slowly getting to it, so please be paitent.
In late February this year, early March, a friend flew down from Seattle WA. to visit for what turned into 2 to 3 weeks, before I went to visit her a week in Seattle for my vacation. To explain, at the time, I worked for an airline. I HAD the ability.
During my friend's visit, while we planned for my trip, my aunt passed away, the last of my mother's sisters from her father's two marriages (She's youngest). I did not know her very well at all, and felt very little family obligation to go to her funeral, especially since it was during my vacation. So I kindly told her the truth. I didn't feel right going, and I'd prefer to go on my planned trip. She exploded and we argued a lot until my father cajoled me into going.... Which... T%o be honest, I wasn't really happy with. After that an already existing rift between my mother and I deepened. Before flying up, she said maybe it best I leave home, as we were leaving for the airport. My friend was by me an my mother is by no means a quiet woman. By now she's seen 2-3 weeks of my mother's behaviour from normal to guests. barring a loud argument or aq really rare shouiting match, she'd a good view of my mother behaving. We discussed my moving and decided to just toss the idea about.
Now comes a third factor of the story of why I'm... Sort of lost.
Ever since my father lost a job I gave my mother a good 75% of my check on payday, regularly. No negotiating-- she 'needed' the money. Originally she said she'd pay me back but never did. So my money went to paying bills, plus my oewn bills, and if I wanted -anything- at times. I also like soap... Side distraction but it was a pleasant find since Seattle to find a brand of soaps I was pleased with and agreed with. Saving was rare-- if money built up, some catastrophe sapped my money. No payment back save rarely.
Now somes the other side. I was struggling to keep my job too. My mother and I shared a place of employment, and it was customer service. I was hypersensitive to it all the time, and eventually was put in a position to quit or be fired.
My mother wantyed me to try to work ouit of the 'fired' scenario I knew would come. I also knew quitting would put me at her NOT so tender mercy. However, I'd lost two more family members the week it hit.
I walked away from an unsatisfying job and never regrettedc it-- despite my mother arguing sgainst it, even cajoling,. and fury flew hard. I also knew one think.
She woiuld want to try to throw me out since I no longer offered her money.
Let me say now, we rent the house. I paid rtent to hsave a room to her. It was, by what I looked into of my local state law (As I learned to do by now) a legal binding agreement even verbally.. I had thirty days if she told me to get out ands told my friends I quit, knowing I'd be scolded.
We decided I had to move out after my Grandmother's funeral. So I began looking for work online 5 days a week at least once a day with little fruit, and my family tried pressing me into things in town. 'Temporarily'. I listened to instinct... Something was warning me a job here was a new trap. Finally my close friend in Seattle said if I felt uncomfortable asking for help or asking to borrow money, she'd ask for help -for- me. And evidently, some friends of ours bought me a plane ticket to Seattle, one way, on the 15th.
My mother's gone ballistic.
The reason I provided that information is as a preface-- there's much more to this than cuyrret events.
First... She's asking why someone would do that if I wasn't 'desperate' (I was). If I was lying to people, ESPECIALLY since while I trust my friend who found her own family friends who were willing to help me out with crash space, SHE doesn't trust my friend. She thinks I'm mooching, using people, lying... She doesn't approve but she'll let it happen, ETC.
Part of me feelsd limke it's grasping. Part of me wonde3rs if I'm insane moving, well, with donations from friends to help. In short, she's making me question if I'm being stupid.
Problem is, I also wonder if I've been abused my entire life emotionally. I read articles and a lot seem to fit-- to the point of crying. I was on antidepressents a while until my health insurance was gone and the state rejecting aide due to budghet/my failing to get check stubs being, mm, quit and stubs online... Alongside plain having nearly no way to contact human resourcers. (Even my case workewr tried). This necessitated the move as well-- mother tweaked out. Understandable since I could also go blind, but the state insuramnce is not something to easily reapply for, if allowed.
Another thins is.. This isn't 'new' behaviour for mom. When I was young, it was A's or 'You can do better' or 'Cs/Bs/ETC aren't something to be proud of when I know you can get A's). She'd cut away playmates if she 'didn't like their upbringing'. (This lead to later social problems, urgh!) Mother knew everything, mother was always right. We played games together except when her soap operas came on, or she wasn't in the mood and I wanted a playmatre. It was 'go outside' or 'make some friends' or 'I'm watching TV'. As any kid I would mouth off or occasionally swear (It was the kids I was aeround who taught me. I was diaghnosed ADD by a school counciller and those kids swore like sailors so I learned it from them and-- ta da! - my parents) and I'd get my mouth popped. Not a big deal, I was a kid and discipline is needed. Ity's persisted though, if I 'talk back' though, now...
There were other things, things she said that I heard and she knew I heard.
'I don't like kids' or 'I wasn't made for having babies'; 'you act like a boy' or 'do you want to be a boy?'
As I got older she began depreciating my father to me, as well, pointing out his screw ups. At one point he developed a pornography addiction which made he call him a cheater. She hasn't forgiven him, and these days I've learned that it's just a guy thing sometimes. I see mom's side, and why it's not all bad). It's worth nothing, my mother was an underage drinker and got drunk and still boasts of drinking and people buying her liquor, or drinking and being out late partying while marriecd to my dad who didn't like it. They have their own problems. She tried to play me off her. I recall as a kid, I always wanted to go with my father if a divorce occured. As a teen, all I wanted was web. Hello, open minded environment.) And my mother often accused me of trying to be a boy or pityting my parents off one another, basically blaming marriage problems off on me. Even A's were something that were rare but never rewarded, merely something I was always expected to get. Perfect scores.
I didn't really date much in person but most of my boyfriends... Once trouble hit and I went to her for advice, she encouraged a breakup. No male wad 'good' or 'decent'. Upon graduating (ON TIME I MAY ADD. Grades aside...) she pressed me to work. After a semester off working as a temp, I was told to go to school ot start getting ready to get out. So I stopped that and went to school again... Amnd I'll say, I never wanted to be in cvollege. I went though a terrible relationship face to face, ending up feeling used, thus a rather unhealthy one. After the 'calm' from that she continued. Since teen hood she tried putting me in clothes SHE liked but I did not. Always has. I cut my hair short. I got told to find a job again in Uni after she ran my debt up to a level I can't pay to this day and that now includes a school loan. I was stressed-- lacking a car, and then aN accident after getting my liscence. She kept pushing for more, moire, never enough... And started to call me a boy. In my late teens, eary twenties I mentioned debating suicide. Back then it wasn't due depression so much as just hurt and she offered to get pills, a knife, or a gun. I was thrown out twice, 15 minutes, then 30-45 (Father chased me down). I went into therapy and when I mentioned mother problems, they only proposed talking, even being told it didn't work. Compounded with anxiety after 9/11 my emotions finally toiletted, especially after the friend who wanted to help me to Syracuse and another turned on and hurt me. I gladly burned those bridges and resolved that trusting anyone about moving or the idea my mother was abusive was idiotic until recently. I'[ve had her tell me I look like a boy, imply she thinks I'm gay or that I slept with an ex ridiculed for requiring medication for depression for not 'simply controlling it', and been to;d I made up things she did. She's unpredictable, at times I've warned my dad if she's in a bad mood and vice versa so we shield one another (Until he started to hang out with my cousin...)
All in all.... She's very controlling and can be hurtful. I love my mother a lot and I know she has a history of abuse from her mother's side. (Her mother abused her, and my great grandmother is the worst one. Mother's not as nuts as she was).
Thus.. moving.
She's been asking what I've told people, what I'm 'making up'. She's making demands, to keep GPS on once moved 'for emergencies', she's undermining my moving, and I'm not about to say to her face after she tried throwing me out again last week. She also wants to see me come September up in Seattle. I know moving on no money and relying on donations from friends will be hard but I feel the freedom will bew worth it-- my friend was terrified I'd commit suicide living here much longer, or that I'd die somehow. I know when well away from her I'm calmer, more rational, and even more normal feeling and noted I can, in fact, act like a funxctional 27 year old instead of a total spasticfest. (She's calling me a lazy, unmotivated mooch when I couldn't find a damn thing on Craigslist or anywhere for Seattle, ETC).
Thus.. I wonder.
I read articles and things, and I think this is classed as abuse but... I do not trust my own judgement and feel biased... Does thids classify as emotional abuse or am I over-reactionary?
What do I tell her when she brings up what I tell people again?
She already refuses to say goodbye when I leave, which hurts, but also insists on seeing me on vacation in Seattle in September. I'm not convinced. Is that normal and if so what do I tell her at that time? (I'll be working or looking for work)
Should I trust my instinct on getting things out of just listen to her?
so many unknowns. Sorry for rambling and telling so much... I just want an opinion and really, after my fiasco0 called theraphy back then, don't... Trust therapists.
Any input helps. Thank you.
Off and on I've danced with the idea of living on my own-- I'm 27, and I've slowly climbed that incline of teenhood and learned from observation that being on one's own can actually be pretty damn badass. (/End the snark about THAT... Sorry., I find it helps me communicate, especially if I'm nervous.) At one point, I was looking at options with a former friend in Syracuse which fell through and I abandoned the idea for a good 2 or 3 years, figuring that perhaps it wasn't meant to be.
Now I'm starting with that for a reason-- I'm slowly getting to it, so please be paitent.
In late February this year, early March, a friend flew down from Seattle WA. to visit for what turned into 2 to 3 weeks, before I went to visit her a week in Seattle for my vacation. To explain, at the time, I worked for an airline. I HAD the ability.
During my friend's visit, while we planned for my trip, my aunt passed away, the last of my mother's sisters from her father's two marriages (She's youngest). I did not know her very well at all, and felt very little family obligation to go to her funeral, especially since it was during my vacation. So I kindly told her the truth. I didn't feel right going, and I'd prefer to go on my planned trip. She exploded and we argued a lot until my father cajoled me into going.... Which... T%o be honest, I wasn't really happy with. After that an already existing rift between my mother and I deepened. Before flying up, she said maybe it best I leave home, as we were leaving for the airport. My friend was by me an my mother is by no means a quiet woman. By now she's seen 2-3 weeks of my mother's behaviour from normal to guests. barring a loud argument or aq really rare shouiting match, she'd a good view of my mother behaving. We discussed my moving and decided to just toss the idea about.
Now comes a third factor of the story of why I'm... Sort of lost.
Ever since my father lost a job I gave my mother a good 75% of my check on payday, regularly. No negotiating-- she 'needed' the money. Originally she said she'd pay me back but never did. So my money went to paying bills, plus my oewn bills, and if I wanted -anything- at times. I also like soap... Side distraction but it was a pleasant find since Seattle to find a brand of soaps I was pleased with and agreed with. Saving was rare-- if money built up, some catastrophe sapped my money. No payment back save rarely.
Now somes the other side. I was struggling to keep my job too. My mother and I shared a place of employment, and it was customer service. I was hypersensitive to it all the time, and eventually was put in a position to quit or be fired.
My mother wantyed me to try to work ouit of the 'fired' scenario I knew would come. I also knew quitting would put me at her NOT so tender mercy. However, I'd lost two more family members the week it hit.
I walked away from an unsatisfying job and never regrettedc it-- despite my mother arguing sgainst it, even cajoling,. and fury flew hard. I also knew one think.
She woiuld want to try to throw me out since I no longer offered her money.
Let me say now, we rent the house. I paid rtent to hsave a room to her. It was, by what I looked into of my local state law (As I learned to do by now) a legal binding agreement even verbally.. I had thirty days if she told me to get out ands told my friends I quit, knowing I'd be scolded.
We decided I had to move out after my Grandmother's funeral. So I began looking for work online 5 days a week at least once a day with little fruit, and my family tried pressing me into things in town. 'Temporarily'. I listened to instinct... Something was warning me a job here was a new trap. Finally my close friend in Seattle said if I felt uncomfortable asking for help or asking to borrow money, she'd ask for help -for- me. And evidently, some friends of ours bought me a plane ticket to Seattle, one way, on the 15th.
My mother's gone ballistic.
The reason I provided that information is as a preface-- there's much more to this than cuyrret events.
First... She's asking why someone would do that if I wasn't 'desperate' (I was). If I was lying to people, ESPECIALLY since while I trust my friend who found her own family friends who were willing to help me out with crash space, SHE doesn't trust my friend. She thinks I'm mooching, using people, lying... She doesn't approve but she'll let it happen, ETC.
Part of me feelsd limke it's grasping. Part of me wonde3rs if I'm insane moving, well, with donations from friends to help. In short, she's making me question if I'm being stupid.
Problem is, I also wonder if I've been abused my entire life emotionally. I read articles and a lot seem to fit-- to the point of crying. I was on antidepressents a while until my health insurance was gone and the state rejecting aide due to budghet/my failing to get check stubs being, mm, quit and stubs online... Alongside plain having nearly no way to contact human resourcers. (Even my case workewr tried). This necessitated the move as well-- mother tweaked out. Understandable since I could also go blind, but the state insuramnce is not something to easily reapply for, if allowed.
Another thins is.. This isn't 'new' behaviour for mom. When I was young, it was A's or 'You can do better' or 'Cs/Bs/ETC aren't something to be proud of when I know you can get A's). She'd cut away playmates if she 'didn't like their upbringing'. (This lead to later social problems, urgh!) Mother knew everything, mother was always right. We played games together except when her soap operas came on, or she wasn't in the mood and I wanted a playmatre. It was 'go outside' or 'make some friends' or 'I'm watching TV'. As any kid I would mouth off or occasionally swear (It was the kids I was aeround who taught me. I was diaghnosed ADD by a school counciller and those kids swore like sailors so I learned it from them and-- ta da! - my parents) and I'd get my mouth popped. Not a big deal, I was a kid and discipline is needed. Ity's persisted though, if I 'talk back' though, now...
There were other things, things she said that I heard and she knew I heard.
'I don't like kids' or 'I wasn't made for having babies'; 'you act like a boy' or 'do you want to be a boy?'
As I got older she began depreciating my father to me, as well, pointing out his screw ups. At one point he developed a pornography addiction which made he call him a cheater. She hasn't forgiven him, and these days I've learned that it's just a guy thing sometimes. I see mom's side, and why it's not all bad). It's worth nothing, my mother was an underage drinker and got drunk and still boasts of drinking and people buying her liquor, or drinking and being out late partying while marriecd to my dad who didn't like it. They have their own problems. She tried to play me off her. I recall as a kid, I always wanted to go with my father if a divorce occured. As a teen, all I wanted was web. Hello, open minded environment.) And my mother often accused me of trying to be a boy or pityting my parents off one another, basically blaming marriage problems off on me. Even A's were something that were rare but never rewarded, merely something I was always expected to get. Perfect scores.
I didn't really date much in person but most of my boyfriends... Once trouble hit and I went to her for advice, she encouraged a breakup. No male wad 'good' or 'decent'. Upon graduating (ON TIME I MAY ADD. Grades aside...) she pressed me to work. After a semester off working as a temp, I was told to go to school ot start getting ready to get out. So I stopped that and went to school again... Amnd I'll say, I never wanted to be in cvollege. I went though a terrible relationship face to face, ending up feeling used, thus a rather unhealthy one. After the 'calm' from that she continued. Since teen hood she tried putting me in clothes SHE liked but I did not. Always has. I cut my hair short. I got told to find a job again in Uni after she ran my debt up to a level I can't pay to this day and that now includes a school loan. I was stressed-- lacking a car, and then aN accident after getting my liscence. She kept pushing for more, moire, never enough... And started to call me a boy. In my late teens, eary twenties I mentioned debating suicide. Back then it wasn't due depression so much as just hurt and she offered to get pills, a knife, or a gun. I was thrown out twice, 15 minutes, then 30-45 (Father chased me down). I went into therapy and when I mentioned mother problems, they only proposed talking, even being told it didn't work. Compounded with anxiety after 9/11 my emotions finally toiletted, especially after the friend who wanted to help me to Syracuse and another turned on and hurt me. I gladly burned those bridges and resolved that trusting anyone about moving or the idea my mother was abusive was idiotic until recently. I'[ve had her tell me I look like a boy, imply she thinks I'm gay or that I slept with an ex ridiculed for requiring medication for depression for not 'simply controlling it', and been to;d I made up things she did. She's unpredictable, at times I've warned my dad if she's in a bad mood and vice versa so we shield one another (Until he started to hang out with my cousin...)
All in all.... She's very controlling and can be hurtful. I love my mother a lot and I know she has a history of abuse from her mother's side. (Her mother abused her, and my great grandmother is the worst one. Mother's not as nuts as she was).
Thus.. moving.
She's been asking what I've told people, what I'm 'making up'. She's making demands, to keep GPS on once moved 'for emergencies', she's undermining my moving, and I'm not about to say to her face after she tried throwing me out again last week. She also wants to see me come September up in Seattle. I know moving on no money and relying on donations from friends will be hard but I feel the freedom will bew worth it-- my friend was terrified I'd commit suicide living here much longer, or that I'd die somehow. I know when well away from her I'm calmer, more rational, and even more normal feeling and noted I can, in fact, act like a funxctional 27 year old instead of a total spasticfest. (She's calling me a lazy, unmotivated mooch when I couldn't find a damn thing on Craigslist or anywhere for Seattle, ETC).
Thus.. I wonder.
I read articles and things, and I think this is classed as abuse but... I do not trust my own judgement and feel biased... Does thids classify as emotional abuse or am I over-reactionary?
What do I tell her when she brings up what I tell people again?
She already refuses to say goodbye when I leave, which hurts, but also insists on seeing me on vacation in Seattle in September. I'm not convinced. Is that normal and if so what do I tell her at that time? (I'll be working or looking for work)
Should I trust my instinct on getting things out of just listen to her?
so many unknowns. Sorry for rambling and telling so much... I just want an opinion and really, after my fiasco0 called theraphy back then, don't... Trust therapists.
Any input helps. Thank you.