How many mid-life crises can one soul have?
I am four and a half years away from turning 40.
40 years old. Jesus. A milestone I once thought I'd never reach. Hell, I can't predict the future - maybe I won't. But still....40.
What do I have to show for nearly four decades of life on this planet? I have no children. I have no real formal education, though I am far from illiterate. I have no career. My work history is laughable. I have no savings, no plan for the future. I live hand-to-mouth. My existence hinges on whether or not we have enough money to cover the most basic bills from month to month - there are, of course, large looming bills that we should be paying and have not been able to because we simply don't have the money. One day, that will catch up with us. In the meantime, I sit tight, put in hours at my low-paying job and pray neither I or my wife gets sick.
I have been married twice. The second time stuck, hopefully permanently. I carry with me the scars of lessons learned the hard way - I pretty much always have to learn the hard way, I've found - and a knowledge of myself that leaves me hollow when I dwell on it.
We're in a rut. I have bills I can't pay because I have no money because my job sucks because I have no college education because I have no money. I don't see a way out of this. As far in debt as we are, we at least don't have credit debt - God help us if we had. But there's her student loan, old medical bills, car insurance, and several other bills I can't think of right now because I've programmed my brain to relegate them to some rarely visited area of my mind. If I were to dwell too much on our situation, I'd collapse in on myself. I should go to school, yes, get a degree, hopefully a career. Truth be told, I should have done that twenty years ago. But how can I now, in good conscience, add thousands of dollars of loan debt to our situation when we can't pay the bills we have? Even if I were to get some sort of degree, there's no guarantee I'd be able to get a job with it no matter which field I study. It's a gamble, and I hate gambles. My luck is too shoddy for gambling.
We need a windfall; some obscure rich uncle to drop dead and leave us a few thousand dollars. If we could just break even on our current debt, that would be something. But there's no prospect for this. We're sinking, and unless something drastic changes, we're going to keep sinking. I'm tapped; I see no options. I hate being the kind of person who sits on his hands and waits for good fortune to drop a cookie into his gaping maw, but what choice do I have?
I should stop acting and get a second job. Acting isn't paying any bills; all it's doing is keeping me sane. I don't need to be sane if it means we can pay our bills. Is it wise to trade something that makes me happy for something that helps to secure our future? When I put it like that, the answer seems obvious. How selfish can I be?
40 years old. Jesus. A milestone I once thought I'd never reach. Hell, I can't predict the future - maybe I won't. But still....40.
What do I have to show for nearly four decades of life on this planet? I have no children. I have no real formal education, though I am far from illiterate. I have no career. My work history is laughable. I have no savings, no plan for the future. I live hand-to-mouth. My existence hinges on whether or not we have enough money to cover the most basic bills from month to month - there are, of course, large looming bills that we should be paying and have not been able to because we simply don't have the money. One day, that will catch up with us. In the meantime, I sit tight, put in hours at my low-paying job and pray neither I or my wife gets sick.
I have been married twice. The second time stuck, hopefully permanently. I carry with me the scars of lessons learned the hard way - I pretty much always have to learn the hard way, I've found - and a knowledge of myself that leaves me hollow when I dwell on it.
We're in a rut. I have bills I can't pay because I have no money because my job sucks because I have no college education because I have no money. I don't see a way out of this. As far in debt as we are, we at least don't have credit debt - God help us if we had. But there's her student loan, old medical bills, car insurance, and several other bills I can't think of right now because I've programmed my brain to relegate them to some rarely visited area of my mind. If I were to dwell too much on our situation, I'd collapse in on myself. I should go to school, yes, get a degree, hopefully a career. Truth be told, I should have done that twenty years ago. But how can I now, in good conscience, add thousands of dollars of loan debt to our situation when we can't pay the bills we have? Even if I were to get some sort of degree, there's no guarantee I'd be able to get a job with it no matter which field I study. It's a gamble, and I hate gambles. My luck is too shoddy for gambling.
We need a windfall; some obscure rich uncle to drop dead and leave us a few thousand dollars. If we could just break even on our current debt, that would be something. But there's no prospect for this. We're sinking, and unless something drastic changes, we're going to keep sinking. I'm tapped; I see no options. I hate being the kind of person who sits on his hands and waits for good fortune to drop a cookie into his gaping maw, but what choice do I have?
I should stop acting and get a second job. Acting isn't paying any bills; all it's doing is keeping me sane. I don't need to be sane if it means we can pay our bills. Is it wise to trade something that makes me happy for something that helps to secure our future? When I put it like that, the answer seems obvious. How selfish can I be?