"My eyes are heavy and my heart is sore"
So mostly I'm bored and lonely, since I feel like I can't really talk to my family when my sister's home (or my dad basically ever) - though, to be fair, we have had a few pleasant interactions since I got back, so there's that. And the weird, ancient extension cord/splitter my mom set up for me only sometimes keeps things plugged into it, so my music sometimes randomly disappears - fabulous? And I can only have either my HDD or my bedside lamp working, despite there being 3 plugs in it. It's just that only one thing works at once. Wtf..?
In other news, I've been pursuing PhD feedback pretty actively, which is both satisfying and incredibly depressing. I mean, when else in life do you have to fight people to tell make them you why they think you're a loser? I'm hoping that a sneaky tactic will get me some information out of Pitt after all, but I'm not holding my breath. I've asked Indiana if they'd be willing to take a meeting with me sometime soon, if I were to, say, conveniently visit my brother on campus - we'll see how that works out. I've had a preliminary report from Hawaii (FINALLY) saying that, in addition to faculty concerns, the review of my writing sample was divided (that's all I got - no idea what it means yet) and they were afraid my linguistics background made me less of a good fit - after repeatedly assuring my that changing fields was no problem and that it might even help me. So much for that! But honestly if they say my writing sample wasn't the right kind of subject I'll contest it because it was to show how I write and construct a paper, NOT to illustrate my interests. AND if they try to tell me my background is honestly a hindrance, I'll fight that, too, since I REALLY don't see it as a problem, considering I'm not planning to look at things from a linguistic perspective? UGH WHATEVER! We'll see what the detailed report says tomorrow or whenever it turns up. Still no word from OSU, but it hasn't been a week yet, and I'll worry about it later.
All this has made me surprisingly nervous! Ever since I got the email from Hawaii this afternoon my heart's been in my throat like I'm going to give a speech or something. I feel really stressed and horrible, and all I'm doing is trying to figure out what went wrong. There's no further action required of me now..? I don't know. I mean, obviously my outlandish hope is that all this will convince someone to open up a spot for me, but that's never, never going to happen (it just doesn't), but also to give me a better idea of what I should look at polishing come the next round of applications.
None of which addresses the issue that we'll be SOMEWHERE between now and then, barring incredibly bad luck (not discounting it, but clutching wood in a death grip), and will it even be feasible to apply to the same kinds of places? What will I be doing in the meantime? What kinds of jobs should I look for? What kinds of jobs will they even give me? I can talk about doing other stuff to keep me busy in the meantime, but can I make it happen? Moreover, what are avatar1983's offers going to look like? Will there be any? What will we do if there aren't? If there are, where will they be? And for how long? It's all starting to make my head cave in, and all I want to do is go to Vegas or something and be blackout drunk for a week. And to think, I'm going to miss Mardi Gras this year! If only I'd thought about it more and roadtripped down there like this past weekend. Coulda gone to Krewe de Vieux and hung out for Muses and Orpheus (if they're still on the same night? I haven't checked nola.com for this year - too sad!) and left before Endymion because it's the beginning of the end for me (too. many. people!). Maybe I'll wear some beads around Tuesday to make myself feel better.
I need to buy bus tickets tomorrow - I'm going to see spazmosis next weekend! I haven't seen her in like 4 or 5 years, and I haven't been to Minneapolis in much longer, so it will be amazing. It will be my Vegas-blackout stand-in, minus all the drinking.
I just really want something to be happy about at the moment, and I'm having a REALLY hard time finding one. Maybe I should just quit everything and change directions - I could fail at becoming a singer instead of an academic! Then I'd make even less money (than the none I make now?) and destroy my soul in the process...more than the light fraying it already has, I mean. My sister has a $34,000-a-year job, and this is her backup plan, too. What do I have? An advanced degree, a long list of email addresses to harass until they tell me what's wrong with me, and absolutely no marketable skills. Maybe I really should collect a pile of local newspapers, go through them with red pen, and take them into the office hoping for a copyediting job. It won't work, but it's something to do?
Anybody have a long-distance job I could do? As you can tell, I'm getting pretty desperate, and despondent. I seriously have no idea what's going to happen next, and that has never happened to me. I always had a vague idea of where things were going, even if I didn't know when. Now it's all up in the air, and I'm dreading how the bones will fall.
In other news, I've been pursuing PhD feedback pretty actively, which is both satisfying and incredibly depressing. I mean, when else in life do you have to fight people to tell make them you why they think you're a loser? I'm hoping that a sneaky tactic will get me some information out of Pitt after all, but I'm not holding my breath. I've asked Indiana if they'd be willing to take a meeting with me sometime soon, if I were to, say, conveniently visit my brother on campus - we'll see how that works out. I've had a preliminary report from Hawaii (FINALLY) saying that, in addition to faculty concerns, the review of my writing sample was divided (that's all I got - no idea what it means yet) and they were afraid my linguistics background made me less of a good fit - after repeatedly assuring my that changing fields was no problem and that it might even help me. So much for that! But honestly if they say my writing sample wasn't the right kind of subject I'll contest it because it was to show how I write and construct a paper, NOT to illustrate my interests. AND if they try to tell me my background is honestly a hindrance, I'll fight that, too, since I REALLY don't see it as a problem, considering I'm not planning to look at things from a linguistic perspective? UGH WHATEVER! We'll see what the detailed report says tomorrow or whenever it turns up. Still no word from OSU, but it hasn't been a week yet, and I'll worry about it later.
All this has made me surprisingly nervous! Ever since I got the email from Hawaii this afternoon my heart's been in my throat like I'm going to give a speech or something. I feel really stressed and horrible, and all I'm doing is trying to figure out what went wrong. There's no further action required of me now..? I don't know. I mean, obviously my outlandish hope is that all this will convince someone to open up a spot for me, but that's never, never going to happen (it just doesn't), but also to give me a better idea of what I should look at polishing come the next round of applications.
None of which addresses the issue that we'll be SOMEWHERE between now and then, barring incredibly bad luck (not discounting it, but clutching wood in a death grip), and will it even be feasible to apply to the same kinds of places? What will I be doing in the meantime? What kinds of jobs should I look for? What kinds of jobs will they even give me? I can talk about doing other stuff to keep me busy in the meantime, but can I make it happen? Moreover, what are avatar1983's offers going to look like? Will there be any? What will we do if there aren't? If there are, where will they be? And for how long? It's all starting to make my head cave in, and all I want to do is go to Vegas or something and be blackout drunk for a week. And to think, I'm going to miss Mardi Gras this year! If only I'd thought about it more and roadtripped down there like this past weekend. Coulda gone to Krewe de Vieux and hung out for Muses and Orpheus (if they're still on the same night? I haven't checked nola.com for this year - too sad!) and left before Endymion because it's the beginning of the end for me (too. many. people!). Maybe I'll wear some beads around Tuesday to make myself feel better.
I need to buy bus tickets tomorrow - I'm going to see spazmosis next weekend! I haven't seen her in like 4 or 5 years, and I haven't been to Minneapolis in much longer, so it will be amazing. It will be my Vegas-blackout stand-in, minus all the drinking.
I just really want something to be happy about at the moment, and I'm having a REALLY hard time finding one. Maybe I should just quit everything and change directions - I could fail at becoming a singer instead of an academic! Then I'd make even less money (than the none I make now?) and destroy my soul in the process...more than the light fraying it already has, I mean. My sister has a $34,000-a-year job, and this is her backup plan, too. What do I have? An advanced degree, a long list of email addresses to harass until they tell me what's wrong with me, and absolutely no marketable skills. Maybe I really should collect a pile of local newspapers, go through them with red pen, and take them into the office hoping for a copyediting job. It won't work, but it's something to do?
Anybody have a long-distance job I could do? As you can tell, I'm getting pretty desperate, and despondent. I seriously have no idea what's going to happen next, and that has never happened to me. I always had a vague idea of where things were going, even if I didn't know when. Now it's all up in the air, and I'm dreading how the bones will fall.