Torn between my two loves.
Theatrics, the one thing in my life that I actually feel good at. Being in plays has some effect on me, those moments I am on stage I feel great. I become someone else for those times, all the worries and cares I have leave and I become another person. I couldn't explain it if I tried. Today I lost my role in the first play I had been in for a year, needless to say I am broken. As of now I am the only kid in the T-pro class who isn't connected to the production in anyway. Why have I lost this feeling, this escape? The other thing I couldn't and wouldn't live without, music. Winter drumline and concert season have both suddenly conflicted with the production. But I feel different when I am in band and playing music, I feel like I am not good enough to even push the group any further, I don't feel like I am doing anything right or good. This in turn pushes me to become better but I still get that feeling of being left behind all the people who are sure of their skills and talent. So I sit here listening to the saddest songs and lose myself in the moment hoping to achieve that emotional weightlessness I get from acting, but end up falling down into a ditch. After all of these thoughts show up and fade out, other thoughts peak in. So on all the stars I see tonight I make a wish in hopes it will happen. I wish I were more compassionate and understood everyone else's problems better so I could help them get through the bad times. I wish I could open up more, show my real self and not just some fake person made up so that I don't get attached to people. I wish I had someone close, more than a friend, who understood what the hell I am talking about in half these entries. I wish I could see the better part of people rather than focusing on the bad traits they have. I wish I was better at life. I wish I weren't a hypocrite. I wish I could make others see the better in others, and not make single incidents a basis for hating a person. The closer I get to feeling the free that I'm feeling from alright, the more I step into the sun, the more I step out of the light.