how i feel
i'm sitting here at my computer. i just got out of work. the semester starts soon. i have to work even harder this semester. i know i'm meant to do something, but something here doesn't work. that scares me. i can't feel like the last two and a half years amount to nothing, because i've been afforded great experiences. i get hung up on the fact that i've been "under the influence" for most of them. i wish my best times were more organic and less chemical. i'm scared that i'll be asked to leave at the end of the semester. i cannot make a single step out of line this semester. no room to let anyone say anything. what i'm figuring out is how to do what i need to do for myself and not to "proove" myself to another. what scares me is that maybe i'm not meant to be here in this capacity (the acting program). i'll feel like a failure. like i couldn't do what countless other people did (graduate). i'll feel bad about myself. why waste time thinking about this now? why not just do it or don't do it, and quit worrying? well i guess that's just me. i like to see the finish line before i start the race. how about this time blindly giving it everything i have the capacity to give, and trusting myself and the outcome, whatever it may be. i'll be fine. this worries are all the things that don't really matter when i'm not here. there is something about hartford. alex and ariel and nat and julia and heather all come rushing to mind. it's just hard to believe i should be successful when maybe that's not the reality of this situation. i'm getting more and more scared as the semester starts. i'm scared to turn twenty-one. i'm scared because everyone else seems better off. i'm scared because i can't see where this road ends. and i'm scared of myself more then anything else. but i'm fine though. i'm healthy, i'm sane, i'm responsible. so why choose fear or anguish. because i don't know what would make me happy. but really, i'm fine. :)