Slice of Life
Who: Suzaku and Lelouch
Where: Their apartment
When: Four days after "Damaged" ; about a day or two into the voices event.
Rating: PGish. M/M romance (????)
Summary: Lelouch is broken-hearted, Suzaku is still at a loss. Perhaps a pie will solve the problem?
----
It had been nearly four days now since Suzaku called Lelouch out to talk. Four days since Lelouch openly confessed after Suzaku pressured him, four days since Suzaku rejected him, and four days since Lelouch stopped talking to him. The exiled prince had been in a melancholy state of affairs since then, altering his usually busy schedule so that he could avoid people. Suzaku would hear Lelouch go out at odd hours of the night, even before he himself woke up and returned only to busy himself with reading a new book, napping, or doing a trivial task around the apartment. Lelouch was ignoring him on purpose, and Suzaku could not fault him for that. He had dragged out Lelouch's heart just to break it. The only reason Suzaku returned to the apartment was because he knew that it would trouble Lelouch further if Lelouch did not know his whereabouts.
The two things that truly bothered Suzaku on top of the guilt, however, was that Lelouch had not spoken a single word to him and that while he still cooked for him for the next two days while Suzaku was recovering, Lelouch himself did not eat. Not very much in any case.
Suzaku's full strength returned soon after that incident and then Lelouch wanted nothing to do with him. He had to do something about it. So he had spent his day collecting pecha and rawst berries from the trees that had grown quickly from the berries that Skyler gave him and returned to make something with them. He managed to make a pie and cut it into several slices. He put two slices onto plates, poured milk and brought them both on a tray into the bedroom where Lelouch lay on his bed reading. Cador slept by his side, making rumbly purring noises.
"Lelouch, I made a pie and I was wondering if you'd like a slice. You did not eat much today," Suzaku said, placing the tray on the night stand and sat on Lelouch's bed.
For most of his life, Lelouch had been a habitual liar. What had been open in him as a child had quickly been torn apart and reshaped by the wake of his mother's death. The lying had become necessary then. Lying to protect Nunnally, lying to mask his own grief and loneliness, lying to try and protect himself from getting hurt again. Even then, Suzaku had been quick to take exception to his lying, though he had come to understand it when he realized that Lelouch's lies had been to spare Nunnally any worry. From that day, Suzaku had seen more of Lelouch's real nature than anyone else save Nunnally. Those two had seen his real smiles. Suzaku had gotten to know Lelouch's true self over that summer, but then it had all been ripped from their hands once more.
Was it any wonder that Lelouch closed more of himself off the older he got? Lying seemed the only way to shield the things he loved from the things he had to do to protect them. And lying and putting on a mask was a way of protecting himself, even if the mask was just a matter of concealing his emotions.
Suzaku had forced Lelouch to tear down the mask he had put in place to hide his feelings after he had gotten hurt by Suzaku's lack of comprehension before. The other had demanded the truth of him, and so, Lelouch had given it. He bitterly regretted that decision. To tell the truth and be rejected would have been unspeakably painful anyway, but to have the insult of Suzaku's apparent pity added to that, to have Suzaku treat him as if he were pathetic, wounded Lelouch's pride deeply as well. He was hurt, and he was very, very angry. Suzaku had forced the situation. Suzaku had chosen not to leave well enough alone. And for what? Lelouch still didn't understand it. The other could have just left things as they were, but instead, he had chosen to stomp all over Lelouch's feelings in a very cruel way.
If Lelouch hadn't been trapped by his need to watch over Suzaku while he was still recovering, he might well have left. As it was, he had returned to care for the other all the same. Nothing hurt any less after a few days of not speaking. Lelouch wasn't exactly sure what to do aside from disappearing, but even that probably wouldn't have done any good at the present. Suzaku already knew. What difference did it make where he went? Nothing changed. Nothing he did seemed to matter particularly at the present. The last thing Lelouch wanted was pity or concern from anyone else anyway, so it was best that he just avoid them all completely.
When Suzaku entered the room, Lelouch did not look up from his book. He continued reading as if the other were not present, pausing only when Suzaku addressed him. Lelouch raised his eyes then and gave a small shake of his head. He had no desire for food. His gaze followed Suzaku as the other sat on his bed, a wariness appearing in Lelouch's features. The other obviously wanted something.
Suzaku sighed. He had a feeling that the pie would not work but it still was disheartening. He forced a cheerful attitude then and took his plate, starting to eat his slice.
"It's pretty good, you know. I didn't mess up on it or anything. Not a speck of bacteria in it either," he said. "Are you sure you don't want to at least try?"
Lelouch wanted to sigh as well when Suzaku planted himself on his bed and began to eat, but he held it in. There would probably be crumbs everywhere after that. Having crumbs in one's bed was very annoying.
In response to Suzaku's question, Lelouch gave him a curt nod and went back to his book. It wasn't particularly enjoyable reading, but at least it was something fictional. He'd had enough of books on things like plumbing and electrical wiring in the past few days.
"You sure? Not even a bite? You've eaten so little that I'm afraid you're just going to blow away the next time you step outside," Suzaku insisted, continuing to eat. By this time, Cador had awakened and his ears perked up as he smelled the fresh pie. And then started drooling as he spotted the glasses of milk. He jumped off of the pillow he was sleeping on and padded over, a paw at the ready to dip it into the glass.
Lelouch ignored Suzaku's comment. He really didn't care that Suzaku was monitoring his food intake. That really was none of his business, and Lelouch hadn't felt any appetite for food at all lately.
At Cador's movements, however, Lelouch sighed. He was sorely tempted just to let the cat have the milk, but the odds of him knocking over the glass and making a mess were very high.
"Cador, leave the milk and pie alone," Lelouch said, his voice very tired and somewhat raspy from lack of use.
Cador shrank back and then looked at the two boys. Having nothing to do in the room and forbidden to touch the things that interested him, he hopped off the bed and scampered out the door to play with his toys.
Suzaku noted just how worn Lelouch's voice was and frowned. The boy himself looked rather fatigued even though he probably spent half of his time asleep. "Lelouch, I'm truly sorry about the other day," he said, putting down his fork. "I truly did not meant to hurt you. To make you feel like you were being pitied. I screwed up again and it's all my fault. I should have been more straightforward about the whole thing..." he turned to Lelouch and nudged him with his foot. "Come on. It's killing me seeing you like this."
Lelouch watched Cador hop off of his bed and run away. He knew that there wasn't much of a chance of Suzaku losing interest so easily. He was about to resume his reading all the same when Suzaku addressed him more seriously.
Lelouch looked up to regard the other with an impassive expression. If Suzaku thought that a simple apology would fix things, then he was sorely mistaken. Even if Lelouch had stopped feeling angry over what had happened, it still wouldn't change the fact that he was profoundly unhappy at present. He was trapped in a world that had offered him little aside from chaos and misery of varying forms. The one person who had mattered to him in this place had just broken things in a way that made their friendship impossible to continue in a normal fashion for the present. What reason did he have to do anything here?
"What do you want from me, Suzaku?" Lelouch asked wearily, shifting slightly as the other prodded him with his foot. "I'm not hungry.
"I want for you to eat. I want you to be yourself again," Suzaku said. He just could not put the right words together. He was sensitive but it never gave him the gift for words. He sliced off a little bit of his slice and held the fork out for Lelouch. "You don't have to be hungry to enjoy a snack.."
"Then why did you force me to admit it in the first place?" Lelouch asked. "What did you think would happen?" There wasn't much worse that Suzaku could have done when it came to breaking Lelouch's spirit. He was fine as long as he could hide himself, but he couldn't be fine like this. Least of all when he still felt so humiliated.
He sighed as Suzaku extended the fork in his direction. "I'm not starving myself. I'm just not hungry. I don't feel like eating anything right now."
"I...don't know. I really didn't think that far ahead. You know how I am. Your opposite..." Suzaku admitted and held the fork closer. "You barely touched anything today if any. At this rate, you're going to come down with something."
"How could you not if you'd known about it for a whole week?" Lelouch asked, a hint of incredulity in his voice. How could you not considering that you know me as you do? You had to know it would hurt me so much more like this... Lelouch thought, frowning faintly.
"So what if I come down with something? I really don't care right now. I really don't."
"I just don't! I really don't know! I'm just an idiot, alright? I was thinking and thinking and when it got down to it, that's what happened," Suzaku grew flustered. "I just know I don't want you to mope around forever."
"You had to know what your response would be. Why bring it up at all when nothing good can come of it?" Lelouch asked, shaking his head. It was one thing to be understanding when Suzaku had acted like an idiot because he hadn't known how Lelouch had felt, but it was another to do so with full knowledge.
"And as you've made it so abundantly clear to me, you can't always get what you want. Maybe you should offer to grant me the great privilege of kissing you and my spirits will perk right up," Lelouch said, his voice edged with sarcasm. "Or you could be right... I could get sick at any time, and that would make for a change."
At that moment, Suzaku just wanted to shove the fork into Lelouch's mouth and be done with it. Instead he set fork and plate onto the floor and sighed. "I know I made a stupid mistake but...." he struggled with how to voice his frustration with Lelouch's behavior. "Don't you know how hard it is to be here knowing that I hurt you and that you're not even giving me a chance to make it up?"
Lelouch sighed as well. "Do you think I'm doing this just to punish you? I am angry, but I'm not as much angry as I am some other things. I just don't feel like trying anymore. Nothing ever will work out the way I want it to, so why bother?"
He pushed himself up slightly against the pillow to regard Suzaku with a quiet look of despair. For a moment, Lelouch looked as weary as he felt. "Some things cannot be mended just because you want them to. This is one of those things. You want a chance to make it up, fine, but I doubt it will do any good. What is it that you want to do?"
"...and this is why you act so childishly? Because it's not working out the way you want it to? One thing doesn't go according to how you'd like it and you throw in the towel?" Suzaku asked. "I just don't think it's healthy to think the way you are right now. I tried to be harsh so that you could move on instead of wasting your potential and all you do now is lay around. You're not yourself anymore. You don't go outside to gather supplies with others, you don't work on codes, and you did not even get angry about me not using coasters for the drinks. Was absolutely nothing going your way this whole time and I just made it all fall to pieces, Lelouch? Why invest all your happiness the way you do: all or nothing?" He could not stop the words from coming out of his mouth, only realizing it when they all escaped.
Lelouch was about to retort that it was a whole lot more than just one thing that hadn't gone the way he wanted it to. Everything had gone so very wrong in his timeline, and then he'd been dragged to this destroyed world where he had nothing, and then Suzaku had appeared. Suzaku was the only thing that he had here that he truly cared about, and Lelouch couldn't pretend that it was otherwise. He had been on the edge of falling apart in his own world as well after losing Nunnally yet again.
When the other stated that he had 'tried to be harsh' so that Lelouch could 'move on,' however, the words that Lelouch had been on the verge of uttering died in his throat. His violet eyes widened and he stared at Suzaku. Apparently, Suzaku was even more of an idiot than Lelouch had ever thought...
"I'm an absolute sort of a person, Suzaku. It's just the way I am with those sorts of emotions. Which is why you should have known better in the first place... Why would you try to hurt me more than you had to, Suzaku? What is this 'potential' that you're imagining?" Lelouch asked, regarding Suzaku with suspicious look. The other had to have had someone specific in mind if it had all been deliberate. And if Suzaku had been doing it for someone else's sake, he probably hadn't even considered his own feelings...
".......I'm just saying that there's other people that might be interested in you somewhere down the line," Suzaku said. "Better people. But I'm stupid to think that way, huh? Selfish to want to spare you the melodrama that is me and find someone that is more suited. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know how else to say it."
"I don't think so," Lelouch replied, narrowing his eyes slightly. "In this place, you wouldn't be so quick to assume that, and there's no telling when we might return. You're thinking of someone specific, aren't you?
"And it is a stupid way to think, Suzaku. It will never work out the way you're imagining it will. For example, I don't want Shirley and I never will. Or anyone else like that, for that matter. Emotions are never so easily controlled, and I cannot be with someone just because you think they'd be better for me. You obviously have no idea what I need anyway, so you should quit pretending you know what's best for me.
"And while you didn't mean to hurt me, that's exactly what you did. And apparently some of it was quite deliberate on your part. So, I'll ask you again, what is it that you think you can do to mend things now?"
Suzaku could feel his heart sink. He could not help but feel sad for both Shirley and Oliver. They were both very genuine people and cute ones at that. He shook his head, deciding not to bring Oliver into it. "No, I'm not. I'm just saying hypothetically," he lied. "I do not know what I can do to fix things. As much as I know you, I don't know how you work. You close yourself off at every turn when you are upset. What is it that you wish for me to do? I'll do that."
"I don't think so," Lelouch replied evenly. Suzaku would not have been deliberately cruel like that without something particular in mind. There was no telling when they would return home, so it couldn't just be about Shirley. It hardly mattered if Suzaku would tell him or not. Lelouch would figure it out soon enough if he didn't know it already.
"You're the one who said that I'm not giving you a chance to make things up. I already told you that I don't know how to fix this. I just don't..." Lelouch said, shaking his head slightly. "If I'm closed off, it's because I can't take anymore. The things that I want are impossible. And nothing I do makes it feel any better..." Lelouch rolled onto his side and turned away after he had spoken. What good was it going to do for him to tell Suzaku that his past was miserable and his future would likely be miserable as well in their world, so the present was all that was keeping him stable? He shouldn't have let himself sound so hurt to Suzaku. It wouldn't change anything...
Suzaku was silent. He pulled his knees to his chest and sighed. He could not force himself to act and Lelouch would not want that either. "Lelouch..." he paused. No. Asking about the future was not going to do any good. Lelouch's lips were sealed on that.
"Were you happy in your point in time?" he decided to ask vaguely.
Lelouch did not answer for a long moment, pressing his face a little further into the pillow. He could lie, but then, he supposed that Suzaku deserved to at least have enough information to understand his frame of mind, lest he attribute all of this wrongly to himself.
"No," he said at last. "Quite the opposite."
"Oh..." Suzaku murmured. He felt as if he was at a loss. "I'm sorry," he said. "I truthfully am." There was no future that Lelouch looked forward to and his past was probably even worse. What time was left for Lelouch besides the present? He slowly started to understand a little. Lelouch was not attached to anything aside from Nunnally at any given time. Without Nunnally here, Lelouch had nothing save for Suzaku.
No wonder things were the way they were. Suzaku felt like an idiot. He of all people should have figured that out a long time ago and should not have started turning paranoid.
Lelouch knew that Suzaku meant his words sincerely, but unfortunately, that wouldn't change anything. Suzaku was the last one to take Nunnally from him in his world. It wasn't always easy to ignore that knowledge. Suzaku had done such horrible things to him, probably out of grief and some misguided desire to make things right, but it had only made everything worse for both of them. Lelouch could see that so clearly now with time and distance. They had both ended up unhappy and alone... lying to the world and putting on a false face with each other.
"I know..." Lelouch replied quietly. "It's just... I can't tell you about the future haphazardly. I don't want to burden you with that, and I don't want to change things for the worse because I couldn't control myself. It's really bad, Suzaku...
"So, in this place... I don't want to look at you and feel pathetic every time that I do. I don't want to feel like a fool because I couldn't just keep things to a simple friendship. I tried so hard to keep it to that... but even I cannot control my subconscious..."
"I know you would have....you hate disorder and absence of control," Suzaku said. "I won't ask you anything more about your time. And maybe I should go look for another place to stay for the meantime if it makes it easier for you. I don't want to make you more upset and I can't even do this right." It was in Suzaku's nature to put everything on himself and alienate others without explaining himself. Somehow after years of doing it, he saw it as the best solution that hurt the least amount of people.
"Don't bother with that," Lelouch said, pushing a hand through his hair absently and causing it to end in disarray. "I sincerely doubt that there is anything that you could do to make me more upset. If I thought that my being out of your physical presence would have helped anything, I would have left as soon as you were well. It won't change anything. And then people will ask annoying questions.
"If you want to make things better, then why don't you tell me what it is that goes through your head? I don't know what you think of me or of any of this, really. How you find out, wait a week, and then do what you did..." Lelouch just shook his head. "Maybe if you at least tell me, it's repaying honesty with honesty. It's something."
Suzaku gave a nervous look then. He was never comfortable talking about his feelings at such a level but knowing that Lelouch probably had the same problem and had a deeper abhorrence for it, he could not refuse. He lowered his moss-green eyes and tried to sort through his thoughts. "Well, I don't know how I thought about you before the whole gender-switch thing or during...I think I started thinking about it when I fell victim to the poison," he said. "As concerned as you get about me, it was then when it touched me. But I still didn't really think about it other than deep gratitude; no one else had cared that much about my life. Not even me."
"And then it just got awkward when I found out that you liked me in that way. You were in my bed at the clinic and embracing me. It was all too much to take in at once at that time. I didn't know what to do after that. Me knowing and you not knowing that I knew. I didn't intend to just wait a week and let it loose. I just planned to act as if I didn't know and all that did was make me have weird dreams and thoughts but didn't give me an answer about how I felt myself. It just came out on its own when I saw what was under your bed." He looked at Lelouch and continued.
"I panicked then and everything just came out. All the awkwardness since that day in one stupid move."
He fell silent and then got up from the bed. "That's basically it. I'll go take the pie back into the kitchen since you don't want any. Maybe Lockon or Halle would want some. I should give some to Skyler too..."
"I would get as concerned about you as I do no matter what, Suzaku. Your life is worth that much to me. It always has been," Lelouch replied softly.
Lelouch then listened to Suzaku's words quietly, watching the other's features as he spoke. Everything that Suzaku was saying only made it seem as if the other were still clueless as to his own feelings on the whole matter. Of course the way that he had found out the truth had been far from ideal, even if Lelouch's actions at the time had been driven by concern for Suzaku rather than anything else. Anyone would have wondered, and from that day on, Suzaku had felt uncomfortable with the knowledge. His confrontation with Lelouch had been driven by panic, not thought or understanding. Suzaku couldn't handle the weight of the secret, but apparently, that didn't mean that he'd actually thought about his own emotions in any of this.
Lelouch couldn't help but notice that Suzaku also mentioned having strange dreams and thoughts. It was the second time he had mentioned dreaming about something. Just what had the dream been? If he knew, perhaps he could interpret the dream even if Suzaku could not.
"Wait a minute," Lelouch said, holding up a hand. "You want me to eat something, so it might as well be that. I'll eat the piece if you agree to answer one question honestly."
Suzaku paused and looked towards Lelouch. He sighed and then sat back down.
"What is it?"
"What did you dream?" Lelouch asked simply. "Truthfully and without omissions. It was only a dream. It doesn't cost you much to answer that question, does it?"
"........the dream that I had in the clinic?" Suzaku asked, already apprehensive about the deal.
"Apparently," Lelouch replied. Suzaku's reaction made it plain enough that it was that dream that kept coming to his mind when he spoke of the awareness of Lelouch's feelings giving him 'strange dreams'.
"So, what was it?"
"It...didn't mean anything. It's just awkward to tell," Suzaku muttered, his natural instinct to close himself off kicking in.
"If it doesn't mean anything, then it shouldn't be a problem for you to tell me," Lelouch replied evenly. "All of it. And then I'll eat this whole piece of pie. I'll even have a bite first as a show of good faith..." he added, reaching for his plate and taking a small slice onto his fork before popping it into his mouth.
Suzaku grit his teeth. Even if it did not mean anything, it certainly could be taken as such. And then Lelouch with his words would twist it all around. He would not fall for that. He had to be prepared for that. He watched as Lelouch ate a bite and sighed.
"Fine," he said. "I do owe you honesty too, I guess." He had gotten himself this deep already. Another fall wouldn't do too much at this point.
"It started in a meadow full of flowers. Euphie showed up and we started talking," he started. "I told her about what I knew about you and how I did not know what to do."
Lelouch nodded at Suzaku's words. The other owed him a lot more than just that after what he had done, but it was a start, at least. If Suzaku were paying attention, he would see the first real gleam of interest in days had come into Lelouch's violet eyes. Even if it were truly meaningless, it was something that Lelouch wanted to know.
"Mmhm," Lelouch murmured, nodding his head as he absorbed Suzaku's words. So far, it was unusual if only because it had involved a present dilemma in a dream.
"What happened next?"
"She asked me about my feelings and doubts and then talked about stuff I know about you - how you don't trust people and that you're really cautious. That I'd be good for you. Then she ran off to fetch you and you showed up in a white frilly dress."
It sounded so stupid.
The dream had sounded fairly normal--possibly good, even--up until the point when Suzaku mentioned the frilly white dress. Talking things over with Euphie was one thing, but dreaming about Lelouch in a dress like that was another entirely. Lelouch nearly choked on the bite of pie he had taken, coughing several times before taking a quick gulp of milk.
"What...? Why did I show up in a dress like that?" Lelouch asked. The subconscious was unpredictable, but that was just bizarre.
"I don't know! I don't chose what to dream about!" Suzaku said in defense. "In the dream, you just said that Euphie told you that I wanted to see you in it. She had played a trick on you somehow. Something to do with it being her world that we were in: the World of E."
Lelouch allowed his features to calm then. Suzaku didn't realize that there was no point in trying to justify something from the dream as being Euphie's doing. It was all his subconscious mind that had caused it, for whatever reason. Perhaps it meant nothing. Or perhaps it meant something. The only way to have a good guess was to see what else the dream had held.
"So, Euphie had me come to you in a frilly white dress. In the World of E..." Lelouch murmured, vaguely amused by the concept. "What happened then?"
"...you kept asking if you should keep the dress on or not and I told you to take it off and then we rode horses and had a picnic," Suzaku said. "...you had other clothes on after that, of course."
"Okay..." Lelouch said, regarding Suzaku with curiosity. The dress bit was strange, but the rest of the dream didn't sound as if it were anything that Suzaku would really feel nervous about telling him. "So, what happened after that?"
"We had a picnic. A lot of random things. And...." Suzaku couldn't tell Lelouch about his question about Zero's identity when he still suspected him. "......we talked. And then I asked you how you felt about me and why. And then after that...." he stalled again. "After that..."
"After that, what...?" Lelouch asked. The look on Suzaku's face spoke volumes, but whether it was just embarrassment over some strange dream content or something more could not be told from expression alone. "Just tell me what happened, Suzaku."
Suzaku was doing his best not to let an embarrassing blush from overtaking his face but the effort simply made him look uncomfortable. "We kissed. I pushed you against the tree and kissed you. I woke up before things got awkward." The blush came anyways.
Lelouch didn't miss the way Suzaku blushed, and the fact that he explicitly stated that he had pushed Lelouch against the tree and kissed him was also meaningful. It had been Suzaku's choice to kiss him. And judging by the way the other was blushing, it hadn't been at all repulsive. In fact, Lelouch would guess that it had been quite the opposite.
"Why did we kiss?" Lelouch asked, taking another bite of pie.
"I don't know why we did. We just did. In the dream, it was my way of repaying you for taking care of me. And you kissed me because you like me. I don't know. It's just a dream," Suzaku said in a hurry.
"You don't pin someone to a tree and kiss them out of gratitude alone," Lelouch replied evenly, shaking his head. The other was being a little too hasty in his denials to be convincing. Suzaku had enjoyed kissing him in the dream. That was why he was awkward and blushing about it now.
"And you were so wound up after the dream..." Lelouch murmured, recalling just how strangely Suzaku had been acting. "You've never considered why you had a dream like that...?"
"In dreams, anything can happen," Suzaku argued. "The only thing I can think of that made me dream something like that is because all I thought about before falling asleep was about you sleeptalking."
Lelouch shrugged his shoulders slightly. "That's true. Anything can happen in dreams... but sometimes dreams have meaning in them all the same." He wondered just how far in denial Suzaku really was. "I'm sure you can think of some other possibilities. You just don't want to."
"Can you think of a logical explanation for the white frilly dress? I can't. Sometimes the dreams don't have any meaning," Suzaku said. The next thing Lelouch said stopped him in his tracks. ".....I'm pretty sure you just want me to think of other possibilities. Now eat your pie like you said you would," he said, picking up his own plate and starting to eat again.
"Actually... I can..." Lelouch said slowly. Suzaku had associated attraction to Lelouch with the time that Lelouch had been female. Putting him into a dress would have been Suzaku's subconscious mind's way of bridging the gap between an attraction he found acceptable and one that he found taboo. And then he had kissed Lelouch and enjoyed it...
"It would be nice if you actually thought things through once in awhile, but it's not as if it will change anything that's happened. I'd rather you were more self-aware than not, that's all," Lelouch said, shrugging his shoulders slightly as he resumed eating his pie.
".....what do you mean by that? And I think things through, you know. Maybe it's not good enough for you but I do," Suzaku said, a bit annoyed.
He reached over for his glass of milk and took a few gulps before resuming his eating as well. At least Lelouch was starting to eat something.
"It's quite simple, actually. I just don't think that you really want to know.
"You never really think about yourself very much, do you? You think about other people sometimes... all sorts of other things... but you don't really want to examine your own emotions. It's because you don't think that you deserve to really have them, isn't it...?" Lelouch murmured, pausing in his eating to gaze at Suzaku thoughtfully.
"You shouldn't think that way... You'll never be happy like that."
Suzaku scowled, remaining silent as he ate. There was no reason for him to reply. What good would that do? He wasn't supposed to be happy in any case. His life was meant to serve and he did not deserve any happiness after what he had done.
"Suzaku..." Lelouch said, his voice gentling a little. "You're alive. Don't be stupid enough to waste it all on self-loathing." There would be time enough for that in the future. At least this Suzaku, the one who hadn't lost Euphie or Lelouch, could find some happiness. If only he would quit getting in his own way.
"We may well never be together... but that doesn't mean that I want to see you miserable. I'd rather you be happy than me if it comes down to it. So, if you won't figure out what makes you happy for yourself, I'll just have to do it."
"I shouldn't be," Suzaku murmured, not specifying to what he was disagreeing with. His green eyes were quite sad and he knew that there was no way that he could possibly feel redeemed enough to seek out happiness that he did not have already. "This isn't the right time for me. And this is something I have to do myself in any case."
"It will never be a good time for you if you're left to your own devices," Lelouch said, finishing the last of his pie and milk before putting the dish and glass aside. "I don't think I ever realized just how much you hate yourself... to even go to that extent..." To risk one's life repeatedly and even crave death on some level was one thing, but to deliberately push away any chance at happiness... then one would never have any reason to live. Suzaku didn't even want to see any possibility for his own happiness.
"..." Suzaku didn't say anything. He finished his own slice and downed his glass. A dying man did not need attachments that would bind him to life. It was already dangerous enough to be as close as he was to Lelouch. "You can't make me change. Just as I can't change you, Lelouch," he finally said. His emotions were in a chaotic mess and he couldn't tell just what he felt anymore besides great discomfort that made his chest ache.
"I don't need to change you, though," Lelouch said softly, shifting so that he sat beside Suzaku on the bed. "All I have to do is find the part of you that you're hiding. Even from yourself..." Lelouch gave Suzaku a sad smile then. "The one thing I've always known is that you have a warm heart. It's how you made me believe that we could have a friendship in the first place. That heart won't fade away even if you try and ignore it. I won't let you ignore it," he whispered.
Suzaku laughed hollowly. "Are you just trying to make me feel better? I might be nice to people but I'm still a horrible person. Can't ignore what does not exist."
"Idiot. Aren't you the one who was supposed to be trying to make me feel better?" Lelouch asked, putting his hand on Suzaku's arm. "I'm saying it because it's true. You're not a horrible person. You're the opposite of that. You're too kind-hearted for your own good, always risking yourself to try and help others. You wouldn't feel such guilt over one regrettable decision if your heart wasn't good at its core. You've saved so many lives... including mine. I wouldn't be alive today if not for you, Suzaku. You were shot trying to protect me..." Lelouch said, leaning towards the other with a determined expression. "You always try to do what you think is right. You think of others over yourself. You're brave and strong and loyal...
"And your heart... How can you think that you don't have one?" Lelouch whispered, letting his hand shift so that it rested over Suzaku's heart. "All of those people you care about... everyone that you want to protect... Those times when you get choked up from happiness... Do you really think someone with no heart could feel any of those things? I know that you're good inside." Only someone with a heart as big as Suzaku's could have it shatter so horribly by the events that still lay ahead of him. Lelouch knew for certain that the person before him was anything but heartless.
"Lelouch..." Suzaku murmured. He reached to brush Lelouch's hand away from his chest, feeling too open at that moment but he changed his mind, letting his hand rest over Lelouch's.
".......I'm not....." he faltered.
"Yes, you are," Lelouch replied, his voice holding unmistakable conviction. His breath hitched slightly as Suzaku's hand came to rest atop his, but still he continued speaking.
"Would I waste my friendship on someone unworthy? My feelings? Never. I couldn't have ever told you if I didn't see someone who was worth such a big risk.
"You might have hurt me out of some mistaken thought that it's the right thing to do, that you had to in order to spare me a greater hurt in the future, but you'd never do it intentionally because you wanted to see me suffer. Aren't you someone who would always want to protect someone he cares about? Someone I can trust...?" Lelouch whispered.
"......" Suzaku's eyes were filled with emotion but he said nothing. He wasn't supposed to feel anything. Just why was Lelouch still being kind to him? Genuinely so? He sank back into himself, clutching Lelouch's hand. He eventually pushed it away and sat there, knees drawn up to his chest.
Lelouch watched Suzaku in silence for a few long moments. He could see the emotion in the other's features quite plainly. The way that Suzaku clung to his hand told Lelouch all that he needed to know. Suzaku might be trying to push him away, still struggling weakly against himself, but it wasn't a rejection of Lelouch. It was Suzaku rejecting himself...
"Suzaku..." Lelouch whispered, crawling closer to the other and reaching out to take Suzaku's face into his hands. "Don't push me away. You don't have to be afraid of what it will do to me. I see you for who you are, and I accept all of it. You deserve to be happy..." he added, leaning forward to press his lips softly to Suzaku's forehead.
Suzaku started as Lelouch crawled over and took his face into his hands. He could see the determination in the other's violet eyes and he trembled, averting his gaze. "Lelouch....you...you're just saying these things. I don't..." he said before the feeling of Lelouch's lips against his forehead made his words trail off. He could feel the warmth of the other's hands and the softness of his lips and it made him feel weak. "I don't..." his voice was soft, holding a hesitation that usually was not there.
"No. I mean everything that I'm saying. Look at me, Suzaku. You can see it for yourself... I know in my heart that you deserve to be happy. So... now all I need is for you to know it too..." Lelouch whispered.
He took in the other's expression for a moment, seeing the way Suzaku's resistance began to crumble and fall away. Suzaku truly was his match. No one else could possibly be this stubborn...
Lelouch leaned forward and slowly pressed his lips to Suzaku's. Perhaps it was foolishness given the way his own heart fluttered in his chest with hope, but somehow, he knew that it was the right thing to do. He had to prove to Suzaku that everything he felt was real, that it would be right to accept it. This was the only way...
Suzaku hated himself. How he gasped as Lelouch's lips sought out his and how he only struggled for a moment with him. He hated how needy he felt then, making a soft sound as he looked at Lelouch for a moment only to close his eyes and soak in the sensation of the kiss. He hated how he felt no difference between the kiss that Lelouch was giving now and the one he gave when he was a woman and how it caused all thought to go on hold. He hated his hesitation and his doubt and how he got to this point of desperation for a sense of comfort.
And yet Lelouch accepted all that...wanting to show him how that all this was justified. Wanting to show how he still loved him.
Lelouch lingered where he was, his lips pressed to Suzaku's as he met the other's gaze steadily. As Suzaku's eyelids slipped shut, Lelouch slowly began to follow suit, letting one of his hands slid back into the other's hair as he kissed the other tenderly. Lelouch absorbed the sensation, feeling everything acutely even as he could hardly believe that it was happening. He had felt so cold and hollow inside earlier, a constant ache in his heart. The fact that Suzaku was accepting his kiss now seemed to bring the world back to color and life.
Lelouch drew even closer to Suzaku, wrapping one arm around the other. He slowly deepened the kiss, feeling the warmth of Suzaku's body against his own.
"Nn..." Suzaku put a hand to Lelouch as if to push him away but when the other deepened the mind-numbing kiss, it fell away. He was drawn up against Lelouch, the warmth of the other's solid body flush against him. As he ran out of breath, he drew back slightly and leaned against Lelouch. Could someone like this be Zero...? Suzaku couldn't think. Among all the other dilemmas, thinking about something like that would break him.
"You're not lying to me...?" he asked softly.
Lelouch smiled as he gazed breathlessly at Suzaku, his features holding an open warmth that he couldn't hide in those moments. He had given up hope of having this with Suzaku. He had thought that things between them would be broken for some time to come... but he hadn't seen Suzaku's true reasons for pushing him away until these recent moments.
"I'm not lying to you. I don't want to build you up with falsehoods. That would only hurt you someday... but I don't need to do that. All I want to do is let you see the person I see when I look at you. To make you realize how great your worth is.
"All I have to gain in this is the one thing that I want the most, Suzaku..." Lelouch replied, his violet eyes earnest as he spoke. "To be with you... to try and make you happy..."
Suzaku thought in silence and then sighed. Lelouch did lie. But he would not lie about something like this. He still had his doubts and his suspicions but none of it pertained to what Lelouch felt about him for real. But until he could know without a doubt about Lelouch's innocence...
"I need to think about it..." he said softly, gently pushing himself away and getting up to gather the plates and glasses. "But thank you, Lelouch. I...I can't explain this right now but thank you."
Lelouch stared at Suzaku in wordless surprise when the other drew back from him and gathered up the dishes. He had thought that his words would be enough to persuade Suzaku when the other's actions had seemed to make it clear that this was what he wanted. What more could there be for Suzaku to consider? Without his emotions being forced to the surface, would Suzaku give them any further weight later on?
"I don't think that I understand..." Lelouch said softly, though he made no move to stop Suzaku. "Do you still not believe me?"
"No...I believe you," Suzaku said. "I just don't know if I believe myself right now...I still- it's hard to just....all of a sudden, you know."
"I suppose it is quite a shift in your way of thinking..." Lelouch replied, giving a slight nod. "But you should trust yourself... what you're feeling. We only have each other in this world. It isn't a sin to try to be happy. Don't take too long in thinking, all right?" Now that he had gotten a glimpse of Suzaku's genuine feelings, Lelouch knew that he could never just let it go. That did not mean that he had to push for everything immediately, however. If Suzaku needed time to adjust to the idea, then it would be best for him to have it. As long as he didn't go and begin thinking something foolish again...
"Right...." Suzaku murmured, taking the tray back into the kitchen. He was still at a loss but not the same sort as before.
Lelouch made no move to follow Suzaku as the other made his way into the kitchen. He wasn't entirely certain what was going on in the other's mind that was stopping him from accepting his own feelings, not when they were already reciprocated, but as hard as Suzaku had worked to deny them, perhaps he did just need time to adjust to having such emotions.
Waiting wouldn't be the easiest thing that Lelouch had ever done, but it wouldn't be the most difficult either. Not when he had reason to hope again. Not when he had seen with his own eyes how Suzaku felt about him.
Where: Their apartment
When: Four days after "Damaged" ; about a day or two into the voices event.
Rating: PGish. M/M romance (????)
Summary: Lelouch is broken-hearted, Suzaku is still at a loss. Perhaps a pie will solve the problem?
----
It had been nearly four days now since Suzaku called Lelouch out to talk. Four days since Lelouch openly confessed after Suzaku pressured him, four days since Suzaku rejected him, and four days since Lelouch stopped talking to him. The exiled prince had been in a melancholy state of affairs since then, altering his usually busy schedule so that he could avoid people. Suzaku would hear Lelouch go out at odd hours of the night, even before he himself woke up and returned only to busy himself with reading a new book, napping, or doing a trivial task around the apartment. Lelouch was ignoring him on purpose, and Suzaku could not fault him for that. He had dragged out Lelouch's heart just to break it. The only reason Suzaku returned to the apartment was because he knew that it would trouble Lelouch further if Lelouch did not know his whereabouts.
The two things that truly bothered Suzaku on top of the guilt, however, was that Lelouch had not spoken a single word to him and that while he still cooked for him for the next two days while Suzaku was recovering, Lelouch himself did not eat. Not very much in any case.
Suzaku's full strength returned soon after that incident and then Lelouch wanted nothing to do with him. He had to do something about it. So he had spent his day collecting pecha and rawst berries from the trees that had grown quickly from the berries that Skyler gave him and returned to make something with them. He managed to make a pie and cut it into several slices. He put two slices onto plates, poured milk and brought them both on a tray into the bedroom where Lelouch lay on his bed reading. Cador slept by his side, making rumbly purring noises.
"Lelouch, I made a pie and I was wondering if you'd like a slice. You did not eat much today," Suzaku said, placing the tray on the night stand and sat on Lelouch's bed.
For most of his life, Lelouch had been a habitual liar. What had been open in him as a child had quickly been torn apart and reshaped by the wake of his mother's death. The lying had become necessary then. Lying to protect Nunnally, lying to mask his own grief and loneliness, lying to try and protect himself from getting hurt again. Even then, Suzaku had been quick to take exception to his lying, though he had come to understand it when he realized that Lelouch's lies had been to spare Nunnally any worry. From that day, Suzaku had seen more of Lelouch's real nature than anyone else save Nunnally. Those two had seen his real smiles. Suzaku had gotten to know Lelouch's true self over that summer, but then it had all been ripped from their hands once more.
Was it any wonder that Lelouch closed more of himself off the older he got? Lying seemed the only way to shield the things he loved from the things he had to do to protect them. And lying and putting on a mask was a way of protecting himself, even if the mask was just a matter of concealing his emotions.
Suzaku had forced Lelouch to tear down the mask he had put in place to hide his feelings after he had gotten hurt by Suzaku's lack of comprehension before. The other had demanded the truth of him, and so, Lelouch had given it. He bitterly regretted that decision. To tell the truth and be rejected would have been unspeakably painful anyway, but to have the insult of Suzaku's apparent pity added to that, to have Suzaku treat him as if he were pathetic, wounded Lelouch's pride deeply as well. He was hurt, and he was very, very angry. Suzaku had forced the situation. Suzaku had chosen not to leave well enough alone. And for what? Lelouch still didn't understand it. The other could have just left things as they were, but instead, he had chosen to stomp all over Lelouch's feelings in a very cruel way.
If Lelouch hadn't been trapped by his need to watch over Suzaku while he was still recovering, he might well have left. As it was, he had returned to care for the other all the same. Nothing hurt any less after a few days of not speaking. Lelouch wasn't exactly sure what to do aside from disappearing, but even that probably wouldn't have done any good at the present. Suzaku already knew. What difference did it make where he went? Nothing changed. Nothing he did seemed to matter particularly at the present. The last thing Lelouch wanted was pity or concern from anyone else anyway, so it was best that he just avoid them all completely.
When Suzaku entered the room, Lelouch did not look up from his book. He continued reading as if the other were not present, pausing only when Suzaku addressed him. Lelouch raised his eyes then and gave a small shake of his head. He had no desire for food. His gaze followed Suzaku as the other sat on his bed, a wariness appearing in Lelouch's features. The other obviously wanted something.
Suzaku sighed. He had a feeling that the pie would not work but it still was disheartening. He forced a cheerful attitude then and took his plate, starting to eat his slice.
"It's pretty good, you know. I didn't mess up on it or anything. Not a speck of bacteria in it either," he said. "Are you sure you don't want to at least try?"
Lelouch wanted to sigh as well when Suzaku planted himself on his bed and began to eat, but he held it in. There would probably be crumbs everywhere after that. Having crumbs in one's bed was very annoying.
In response to Suzaku's question, Lelouch gave him a curt nod and went back to his book. It wasn't particularly enjoyable reading, but at least it was something fictional. He'd had enough of books on things like plumbing and electrical wiring in the past few days.
"You sure? Not even a bite? You've eaten so little that I'm afraid you're just going to blow away the next time you step outside," Suzaku insisted, continuing to eat. By this time, Cador had awakened and his ears perked up as he smelled the fresh pie. And then started drooling as he spotted the glasses of milk. He jumped off of the pillow he was sleeping on and padded over, a paw at the ready to dip it into the glass.
Lelouch ignored Suzaku's comment. He really didn't care that Suzaku was monitoring his food intake. That really was none of his business, and Lelouch hadn't felt any appetite for food at all lately.
At Cador's movements, however, Lelouch sighed. He was sorely tempted just to let the cat have the milk, but the odds of him knocking over the glass and making a mess were very high.
"Cador, leave the milk and pie alone," Lelouch said, his voice very tired and somewhat raspy from lack of use.
Cador shrank back and then looked at the two boys. Having nothing to do in the room and forbidden to touch the things that interested him, he hopped off the bed and scampered out the door to play with his toys.
Suzaku noted just how worn Lelouch's voice was and frowned. The boy himself looked rather fatigued even though he probably spent half of his time asleep. "Lelouch, I'm truly sorry about the other day," he said, putting down his fork. "I truly did not meant to hurt you. To make you feel like you were being pitied. I screwed up again and it's all my fault. I should have been more straightforward about the whole thing..." he turned to Lelouch and nudged him with his foot. "Come on. It's killing me seeing you like this."
Lelouch watched Cador hop off of his bed and run away. He knew that there wasn't much of a chance of Suzaku losing interest so easily. He was about to resume his reading all the same when Suzaku addressed him more seriously.
Lelouch looked up to regard the other with an impassive expression. If Suzaku thought that a simple apology would fix things, then he was sorely mistaken. Even if Lelouch had stopped feeling angry over what had happened, it still wouldn't change the fact that he was profoundly unhappy at present. He was trapped in a world that had offered him little aside from chaos and misery of varying forms. The one person who had mattered to him in this place had just broken things in a way that made their friendship impossible to continue in a normal fashion for the present. What reason did he have to do anything here?
"What do you want from me, Suzaku?" Lelouch asked wearily, shifting slightly as the other prodded him with his foot. "I'm not hungry.
"I want for you to eat. I want you to be yourself again," Suzaku said. He just could not put the right words together. He was sensitive but it never gave him the gift for words. He sliced off a little bit of his slice and held the fork out for Lelouch. "You don't have to be hungry to enjoy a snack.."
"Then why did you force me to admit it in the first place?" Lelouch asked. "What did you think would happen?" There wasn't much worse that Suzaku could have done when it came to breaking Lelouch's spirit. He was fine as long as he could hide himself, but he couldn't be fine like this. Least of all when he still felt so humiliated.
He sighed as Suzaku extended the fork in his direction. "I'm not starving myself. I'm just not hungry. I don't feel like eating anything right now."
"I...don't know. I really didn't think that far ahead. You know how I am. Your opposite..." Suzaku admitted and held the fork closer. "You barely touched anything today if any. At this rate, you're going to come down with something."
"How could you not if you'd known about it for a whole week?" Lelouch asked, a hint of incredulity in his voice. How could you not considering that you know me as you do? You had to know it would hurt me so much more like this... Lelouch thought, frowning faintly.
"So what if I come down with something? I really don't care right now. I really don't."
"I just don't! I really don't know! I'm just an idiot, alright? I was thinking and thinking and when it got down to it, that's what happened," Suzaku grew flustered. "I just know I don't want you to mope around forever."
"You had to know what your response would be. Why bring it up at all when nothing good can come of it?" Lelouch asked, shaking his head. It was one thing to be understanding when Suzaku had acted like an idiot because he hadn't known how Lelouch had felt, but it was another to do so with full knowledge.
"And as you've made it so abundantly clear to me, you can't always get what you want. Maybe you should offer to grant me the great privilege of kissing you and my spirits will perk right up," Lelouch said, his voice edged with sarcasm. "Or you could be right... I could get sick at any time, and that would make for a change."
At that moment, Suzaku just wanted to shove the fork into Lelouch's mouth and be done with it. Instead he set fork and plate onto the floor and sighed. "I know I made a stupid mistake but...." he struggled with how to voice his frustration with Lelouch's behavior. "Don't you know how hard it is to be here knowing that I hurt you and that you're not even giving me a chance to make it up?"
Lelouch sighed as well. "Do you think I'm doing this just to punish you? I am angry, but I'm not as much angry as I am some other things. I just don't feel like trying anymore. Nothing ever will work out the way I want it to, so why bother?"
He pushed himself up slightly against the pillow to regard Suzaku with a quiet look of despair. For a moment, Lelouch looked as weary as he felt. "Some things cannot be mended just because you want them to. This is one of those things. You want a chance to make it up, fine, but I doubt it will do any good. What is it that you want to do?"
"...and this is why you act so childishly? Because it's not working out the way you want it to? One thing doesn't go according to how you'd like it and you throw in the towel?" Suzaku asked. "I just don't think it's healthy to think the way you are right now. I tried to be harsh so that you could move on instead of wasting your potential and all you do now is lay around. You're not yourself anymore. You don't go outside to gather supplies with others, you don't work on codes, and you did not even get angry about me not using coasters for the drinks. Was absolutely nothing going your way this whole time and I just made it all fall to pieces, Lelouch? Why invest all your happiness the way you do: all or nothing?" He could not stop the words from coming out of his mouth, only realizing it when they all escaped.
Lelouch was about to retort that it was a whole lot more than just one thing that hadn't gone the way he wanted it to. Everything had gone so very wrong in his timeline, and then he'd been dragged to this destroyed world where he had nothing, and then Suzaku had appeared. Suzaku was the only thing that he had here that he truly cared about, and Lelouch couldn't pretend that it was otherwise. He had been on the edge of falling apart in his own world as well after losing Nunnally yet again.
When the other stated that he had 'tried to be harsh' so that Lelouch could 'move on,' however, the words that Lelouch had been on the verge of uttering died in his throat. His violet eyes widened and he stared at Suzaku. Apparently, Suzaku was even more of an idiot than Lelouch had ever thought...
"I'm an absolute sort of a person, Suzaku. It's just the way I am with those sorts of emotions. Which is why you should have known better in the first place... Why would you try to hurt me more than you had to, Suzaku? What is this 'potential' that you're imagining?" Lelouch asked, regarding Suzaku with suspicious look. The other had to have had someone specific in mind if it had all been deliberate. And if Suzaku had been doing it for someone else's sake, he probably hadn't even considered his own feelings...
".......I'm just saying that there's other people that might be interested in you somewhere down the line," Suzaku said. "Better people. But I'm stupid to think that way, huh? Selfish to want to spare you the melodrama that is me and find someone that is more suited. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know how else to say it."
"I don't think so," Lelouch replied, narrowing his eyes slightly. "In this place, you wouldn't be so quick to assume that, and there's no telling when we might return. You're thinking of someone specific, aren't you?
"And it is a stupid way to think, Suzaku. It will never work out the way you're imagining it will. For example, I don't want Shirley and I never will. Or anyone else like that, for that matter. Emotions are never so easily controlled, and I cannot be with someone just because you think they'd be better for me. You obviously have no idea what I need anyway, so you should quit pretending you know what's best for me.
"And while you didn't mean to hurt me, that's exactly what you did. And apparently some of it was quite deliberate on your part. So, I'll ask you again, what is it that you think you can do to mend things now?"
Suzaku could feel his heart sink. He could not help but feel sad for both Shirley and Oliver. They were both very genuine people and cute ones at that. He shook his head, deciding not to bring Oliver into it. "No, I'm not. I'm just saying hypothetically," he lied. "I do not know what I can do to fix things. As much as I know you, I don't know how you work. You close yourself off at every turn when you are upset. What is it that you wish for me to do? I'll do that."
"I don't think so," Lelouch replied evenly. Suzaku would not have been deliberately cruel like that without something particular in mind. There was no telling when they would return home, so it couldn't just be about Shirley. It hardly mattered if Suzaku would tell him or not. Lelouch would figure it out soon enough if he didn't know it already.
"You're the one who said that I'm not giving you a chance to make things up. I already told you that I don't know how to fix this. I just don't..." Lelouch said, shaking his head slightly. "If I'm closed off, it's because I can't take anymore. The things that I want are impossible. And nothing I do makes it feel any better..." Lelouch rolled onto his side and turned away after he had spoken. What good was it going to do for him to tell Suzaku that his past was miserable and his future would likely be miserable as well in their world, so the present was all that was keeping him stable? He shouldn't have let himself sound so hurt to Suzaku. It wouldn't change anything...
Suzaku was silent. He pulled his knees to his chest and sighed. He could not force himself to act and Lelouch would not want that either. "Lelouch..." he paused. No. Asking about the future was not going to do any good. Lelouch's lips were sealed on that.
"Were you happy in your point in time?" he decided to ask vaguely.
Lelouch did not answer for a long moment, pressing his face a little further into the pillow. He could lie, but then, he supposed that Suzaku deserved to at least have enough information to understand his frame of mind, lest he attribute all of this wrongly to himself.
"No," he said at last. "Quite the opposite."
"Oh..." Suzaku murmured. He felt as if he was at a loss. "I'm sorry," he said. "I truthfully am." There was no future that Lelouch looked forward to and his past was probably even worse. What time was left for Lelouch besides the present? He slowly started to understand a little. Lelouch was not attached to anything aside from Nunnally at any given time. Without Nunnally here, Lelouch had nothing save for Suzaku.
No wonder things were the way they were. Suzaku felt like an idiot. He of all people should have figured that out a long time ago and should not have started turning paranoid.
Lelouch knew that Suzaku meant his words sincerely, but unfortunately, that wouldn't change anything. Suzaku was the last one to take Nunnally from him in his world. It wasn't always easy to ignore that knowledge. Suzaku had done such horrible things to him, probably out of grief and some misguided desire to make things right, but it had only made everything worse for both of them. Lelouch could see that so clearly now with time and distance. They had both ended up unhappy and alone... lying to the world and putting on a false face with each other.
"I know..." Lelouch replied quietly. "It's just... I can't tell you about the future haphazardly. I don't want to burden you with that, and I don't want to change things for the worse because I couldn't control myself. It's really bad, Suzaku...
"So, in this place... I don't want to look at you and feel pathetic every time that I do. I don't want to feel like a fool because I couldn't just keep things to a simple friendship. I tried so hard to keep it to that... but even I cannot control my subconscious..."
"I know you would have....you hate disorder and absence of control," Suzaku said. "I won't ask you anything more about your time. And maybe I should go look for another place to stay for the meantime if it makes it easier for you. I don't want to make you more upset and I can't even do this right." It was in Suzaku's nature to put everything on himself and alienate others without explaining himself. Somehow after years of doing it, he saw it as the best solution that hurt the least amount of people.
"Don't bother with that," Lelouch said, pushing a hand through his hair absently and causing it to end in disarray. "I sincerely doubt that there is anything that you could do to make me more upset. If I thought that my being out of your physical presence would have helped anything, I would have left as soon as you were well. It won't change anything. And then people will ask annoying questions.
"If you want to make things better, then why don't you tell me what it is that goes through your head? I don't know what you think of me or of any of this, really. How you find out, wait a week, and then do what you did..." Lelouch just shook his head. "Maybe if you at least tell me, it's repaying honesty with honesty. It's something."
Suzaku gave a nervous look then. He was never comfortable talking about his feelings at such a level but knowing that Lelouch probably had the same problem and had a deeper abhorrence for it, he could not refuse. He lowered his moss-green eyes and tried to sort through his thoughts. "Well, I don't know how I thought about you before the whole gender-switch thing or during...I think I started thinking about it when I fell victim to the poison," he said. "As concerned as you get about me, it was then when it touched me. But I still didn't really think about it other than deep gratitude; no one else had cared that much about my life. Not even me."
"And then it just got awkward when I found out that you liked me in that way. You were in my bed at the clinic and embracing me. It was all too much to take in at once at that time. I didn't know what to do after that. Me knowing and you not knowing that I knew. I didn't intend to just wait a week and let it loose. I just planned to act as if I didn't know and all that did was make me have weird dreams and thoughts but didn't give me an answer about how I felt myself. It just came out on its own when I saw what was under your bed." He looked at Lelouch and continued.
"I panicked then and everything just came out. All the awkwardness since that day in one stupid move."
He fell silent and then got up from the bed. "That's basically it. I'll go take the pie back into the kitchen since you don't want any. Maybe Lockon or Halle would want some. I should give some to Skyler too..."
"I would get as concerned about you as I do no matter what, Suzaku. Your life is worth that much to me. It always has been," Lelouch replied softly.
Lelouch then listened to Suzaku's words quietly, watching the other's features as he spoke. Everything that Suzaku was saying only made it seem as if the other were still clueless as to his own feelings on the whole matter. Of course the way that he had found out the truth had been far from ideal, even if Lelouch's actions at the time had been driven by concern for Suzaku rather than anything else. Anyone would have wondered, and from that day on, Suzaku had felt uncomfortable with the knowledge. His confrontation with Lelouch had been driven by panic, not thought or understanding. Suzaku couldn't handle the weight of the secret, but apparently, that didn't mean that he'd actually thought about his own emotions in any of this.
Lelouch couldn't help but notice that Suzaku also mentioned having strange dreams and thoughts. It was the second time he had mentioned dreaming about something. Just what had the dream been? If he knew, perhaps he could interpret the dream even if Suzaku could not.
"Wait a minute," Lelouch said, holding up a hand. "You want me to eat something, so it might as well be that. I'll eat the piece if you agree to answer one question honestly."
Suzaku paused and looked towards Lelouch. He sighed and then sat back down.
"What is it?"
"What did you dream?" Lelouch asked simply. "Truthfully and without omissions. It was only a dream. It doesn't cost you much to answer that question, does it?"
"........the dream that I had in the clinic?" Suzaku asked, already apprehensive about the deal.
"Apparently," Lelouch replied. Suzaku's reaction made it plain enough that it was that dream that kept coming to his mind when he spoke of the awareness of Lelouch's feelings giving him 'strange dreams'.
"So, what was it?"
"It...didn't mean anything. It's just awkward to tell," Suzaku muttered, his natural instinct to close himself off kicking in.
"If it doesn't mean anything, then it shouldn't be a problem for you to tell me," Lelouch replied evenly. "All of it. And then I'll eat this whole piece of pie. I'll even have a bite first as a show of good faith..." he added, reaching for his plate and taking a small slice onto his fork before popping it into his mouth.
Suzaku grit his teeth. Even if it did not mean anything, it certainly could be taken as such. And then Lelouch with his words would twist it all around. He would not fall for that. He had to be prepared for that. He watched as Lelouch ate a bite and sighed.
"Fine," he said. "I do owe you honesty too, I guess." He had gotten himself this deep already. Another fall wouldn't do too much at this point.
"It started in a meadow full of flowers. Euphie showed up and we started talking," he started. "I told her about what I knew about you and how I did not know what to do."
Lelouch nodded at Suzaku's words. The other owed him a lot more than just that after what he had done, but it was a start, at least. If Suzaku were paying attention, he would see the first real gleam of interest in days had come into Lelouch's violet eyes. Even if it were truly meaningless, it was something that Lelouch wanted to know.
"Mmhm," Lelouch murmured, nodding his head as he absorbed Suzaku's words. So far, it was unusual if only because it had involved a present dilemma in a dream.
"What happened next?"
"She asked me about my feelings and doubts and then talked about stuff I know about you - how you don't trust people and that you're really cautious. That I'd be good for you. Then she ran off to fetch you and you showed up in a white frilly dress."
It sounded so stupid.
The dream had sounded fairly normal--possibly good, even--up until the point when Suzaku mentioned the frilly white dress. Talking things over with Euphie was one thing, but dreaming about Lelouch in a dress like that was another entirely. Lelouch nearly choked on the bite of pie he had taken, coughing several times before taking a quick gulp of milk.
"What...? Why did I show up in a dress like that?" Lelouch asked. The subconscious was unpredictable, but that was just bizarre.
"I don't know! I don't chose what to dream about!" Suzaku said in defense. "In the dream, you just said that Euphie told you that I wanted to see you in it. She had played a trick on you somehow. Something to do with it being her world that we were in: the World of E."
Lelouch allowed his features to calm then. Suzaku didn't realize that there was no point in trying to justify something from the dream as being Euphie's doing. It was all his subconscious mind that had caused it, for whatever reason. Perhaps it meant nothing. Or perhaps it meant something. The only way to have a good guess was to see what else the dream had held.
"So, Euphie had me come to you in a frilly white dress. In the World of E..." Lelouch murmured, vaguely amused by the concept. "What happened then?"
"...you kept asking if you should keep the dress on or not and I told you to take it off and then we rode horses and had a picnic," Suzaku said. "...you had other clothes on after that, of course."
"Okay..." Lelouch said, regarding Suzaku with curiosity. The dress bit was strange, but the rest of the dream didn't sound as if it were anything that Suzaku would really feel nervous about telling him. "So, what happened after that?"
"We had a picnic. A lot of random things. And...." Suzaku couldn't tell Lelouch about his question about Zero's identity when he still suspected him. "......we talked. And then I asked you how you felt about me and why. And then after that...." he stalled again. "After that..."
"After that, what...?" Lelouch asked. The look on Suzaku's face spoke volumes, but whether it was just embarrassment over some strange dream content or something more could not be told from expression alone. "Just tell me what happened, Suzaku."
Suzaku was doing his best not to let an embarrassing blush from overtaking his face but the effort simply made him look uncomfortable. "We kissed. I pushed you against the tree and kissed you. I woke up before things got awkward." The blush came anyways.
Lelouch didn't miss the way Suzaku blushed, and the fact that he explicitly stated that he had pushed Lelouch against the tree and kissed him was also meaningful. It had been Suzaku's choice to kiss him. And judging by the way the other was blushing, it hadn't been at all repulsive. In fact, Lelouch would guess that it had been quite the opposite.
"Why did we kiss?" Lelouch asked, taking another bite of pie.
"I don't know why we did. We just did. In the dream, it was my way of repaying you for taking care of me. And you kissed me because you like me. I don't know. It's just a dream," Suzaku said in a hurry.
"You don't pin someone to a tree and kiss them out of gratitude alone," Lelouch replied evenly, shaking his head. The other was being a little too hasty in his denials to be convincing. Suzaku had enjoyed kissing him in the dream. That was why he was awkward and blushing about it now.
"And you were so wound up after the dream..." Lelouch murmured, recalling just how strangely Suzaku had been acting. "You've never considered why you had a dream like that...?"
"In dreams, anything can happen," Suzaku argued. "The only thing I can think of that made me dream something like that is because all I thought about before falling asleep was about you sleeptalking."
Lelouch shrugged his shoulders slightly. "That's true. Anything can happen in dreams... but sometimes dreams have meaning in them all the same." He wondered just how far in denial Suzaku really was. "I'm sure you can think of some other possibilities. You just don't want to."
"Can you think of a logical explanation for the white frilly dress? I can't. Sometimes the dreams don't have any meaning," Suzaku said. The next thing Lelouch said stopped him in his tracks. ".....I'm pretty sure you just want me to think of other possibilities. Now eat your pie like you said you would," he said, picking up his own plate and starting to eat again.
"Actually... I can..." Lelouch said slowly. Suzaku had associated attraction to Lelouch with the time that Lelouch had been female. Putting him into a dress would have been Suzaku's subconscious mind's way of bridging the gap between an attraction he found acceptable and one that he found taboo. And then he had kissed Lelouch and enjoyed it...
"It would be nice if you actually thought things through once in awhile, but it's not as if it will change anything that's happened. I'd rather you were more self-aware than not, that's all," Lelouch said, shrugging his shoulders slightly as he resumed eating his pie.
".....what do you mean by that? And I think things through, you know. Maybe it's not good enough for you but I do," Suzaku said, a bit annoyed.
He reached over for his glass of milk and took a few gulps before resuming his eating as well. At least Lelouch was starting to eat something.
"It's quite simple, actually. I just don't think that you really want to know.
"You never really think about yourself very much, do you? You think about other people sometimes... all sorts of other things... but you don't really want to examine your own emotions. It's because you don't think that you deserve to really have them, isn't it...?" Lelouch murmured, pausing in his eating to gaze at Suzaku thoughtfully.
"You shouldn't think that way... You'll never be happy like that."
Suzaku scowled, remaining silent as he ate. There was no reason for him to reply. What good would that do? He wasn't supposed to be happy in any case. His life was meant to serve and he did not deserve any happiness after what he had done.
"Suzaku..." Lelouch said, his voice gentling a little. "You're alive. Don't be stupid enough to waste it all on self-loathing." There would be time enough for that in the future. At least this Suzaku, the one who hadn't lost Euphie or Lelouch, could find some happiness. If only he would quit getting in his own way.
"We may well never be together... but that doesn't mean that I want to see you miserable. I'd rather you be happy than me if it comes down to it. So, if you won't figure out what makes you happy for yourself, I'll just have to do it."
"I shouldn't be," Suzaku murmured, not specifying to what he was disagreeing with. His green eyes were quite sad and he knew that there was no way that he could possibly feel redeemed enough to seek out happiness that he did not have already. "This isn't the right time for me. And this is something I have to do myself in any case."
"It will never be a good time for you if you're left to your own devices," Lelouch said, finishing the last of his pie and milk before putting the dish and glass aside. "I don't think I ever realized just how much you hate yourself... to even go to that extent..." To risk one's life repeatedly and even crave death on some level was one thing, but to deliberately push away any chance at happiness... then one would never have any reason to live. Suzaku didn't even want to see any possibility for his own happiness.
"..." Suzaku didn't say anything. He finished his own slice and downed his glass. A dying man did not need attachments that would bind him to life. It was already dangerous enough to be as close as he was to Lelouch. "You can't make me change. Just as I can't change you, Lelouch," he finally said. His emotions were in a chaotic mess and he couldn't tell just what he felt anymore besides great discomfort that made his chest ache.
"I don't need to change you, though," Lelouch said softly, shifting so that he sat beside Suzaku on the bed. "All I have to do is find the part of you that you're hiding. Even from yourself..." Lelouch gave Suzaku a sad smile then. "The one thing I've always known is that you have a warm heart. It's how you made me believe that we could have a friendship in the first place. That heart won't fade away even if you try and ignore it. I won't let you ignore it," he whispered.
Suzaku laughed hollowly. "Are you just trying to make me feel better? I might be nice to people but I'm still a horrible person. Can't ignore what does not exist."
"Idiot. Aren't you the one who was supposed to be trying to make me feel better?" Lelouch asked, putting his hand on Suzaku's arm. "I'm saying it because it's true. You're not a horrible person. You're the opposite of that. You're too kind-hearted for your own good, always risking yourself to try and help others. You wouldn't feel such guilt over one regrettable decision if your heart wasn't good at its core. You've saved so many lives... including mine. I wouldn't be alive today if not for you, Suzaku. You were shot trying to protect me..." Lelouch said, leaning towards the other with a determined expression. "You always try to do what you think is right. You think of others over yourself. You're brave and strong and loyal...
"And your heart... How can you think that you don't have one?" Lelouch whispered, letting his hand shift so that it rested over Suzaku's heart. "All of those people you care about... everyone that you want to protect... Those times when you get choked up from happiness... Do you really think someone with no heart could feel any of those things? I know that you're good inside." Only someone with a heart as big as Suzaku's could have it shatter so horribly by the events that still lay ahead of him. Lelouch knew for certain that the person before him was anything but heartless.
"Lelouch..." Suzaku murmured. He reached to brush Lelouch's hand away from his chest, feeling too open at that moment but he changed his mind, letting his hand rest over Lelouch's.
".......I'm not....." he faltered.
"Yes, you are," Lelouch replied, his voice holding unmistakable conviction. His breath hitched slightly as Suzaku's hand came to rest atop his, but still he continued speaking.
"Would I waste my friendship on someone unworthy? My feelings? Never. I couldn't have ever told you if I didn't see someone who was worth such a big risk.
"You might have hurt me out of some mistaken thought that it's the right thing to do, that you had to in order to spare me a greater hurt in the future, but you'd never do it intentionally because you wanted to see me suffer. Aren't you someone who would always want to protect someone he cares about? Someone I can trust...?" Lelouch whispered.
"......" Suzaku's eyes were filled with emotion but he said nothing. He wasn't supposed to feel anything. Just why was Lelouch still being kind to him? Genuinely so? He sank back into himself, clutching Lelouch's hand. He eventually pushed it away and sat there, knees drawn up to his chest.
Lelouch watched Suzaku in silence for a few long moments. He could see the emotion in the other's features quite plainly. The way that Suzaku clung to his hand told Lelouch all that he needed to know. Suzaku might be trying to push him away, still struggling weakly against himself, but it wasn't a rejection of Lelouch. It was Suzaku rejecting himself...
"Suzaku..." Lelouch whispered, crawling closer to the other and reaching out to take Suzaku's face into his hands. "Don't push me away. You don't have to be afraid of what it will do to me. I see you for who you are, and I accept all of it. You deserve to be happy..." he added, leaning forward to press his lips softly to Suzaku's forehead.
Suzaku started as Lelouch crawled over and took his face into his hands. He could see the determination in the other's violet eyes and he trembled, averting his gaze. "Lelouch....you...you're just saying these things. I don't..." he said before the feeling of Lelouch's lips against his forehead made his words trail off. He could feel the warmth of the other's hands and the softness of his lips and it made him feel weak. "I don't..." his voice was soft, holding a hesitation that usually was not there.
"No. I mean everything that I'm saying. Look at me, Suzaku. You can see it for yourself... I know in my heart that you deserve to be happy. So... now all I need is for you to know it too..." Lelouch whispered.
He took in the other's expression for a moment, seeing the way Suzaku's resistance began to crumble and fall away. Suzaku truly was his match. No one else could possibly be this stubborn...
Lelouch leaned forward and slowly pressed his lips to Suzaku's. Perhaps it was foolishness given the way his own heart fluttered in his chest with hope, but somehow, he knew that it was the right thing to do. He had to prove to Suzaku that everything he felt was real, that it would be right to accept it. This was the only way...
Suzaku hated himself. How he gasped as Lelouch's lips sought out his and how he only struggled for a moment with him. He hated how needy he felt then, making a soft sound as he looked at Lelouch for a moment only to close his eyes and soak in the sensation of the kiss. He hated how he felt no difference between the kiss that Lelouch was giving now and the one he gave when he was a woman and how it caused all thought to go on hold. He hated his hesitation and his doubt and how he got to this point of desperation for a sense of comfort.
And yet Lelouch accepted all that...wanting to show him how that all this was justified. Wanting to show how he still loved him.
Lelouch lingered where he was, his lips pressed to Suzaku's as he met the other's gaze steadily. As Suzaku's eyelids slipped shut, Lelouch slowly began to follow suit, letting one of his hands slid back into the other's hair as he kissed the other tenderly. Lelouch absorbed the sensation, feeling everything acutely even as he could hardly believe that it was happening. He had felt so cold and hollow inside earlier, a constant ache in his heart. The fact that Suzaku was accepting his kiss now seemed to bring the world back to color and life.
Lelouch drew even closer to Suzaku, wrapping one arm around the other. He slowly deepened the kiss, feeling the warmth of Suzaku's body against his own.
"Nn..." Suzaku put a hand to Lelouch as if to push him away but when the other deepened the mind-numbing kiss, it fell away. He was drawn up against Lelouch, the warmth of the other's solid body flush against him. As he ran out of breath, he drew back slightly and leaned against Lelouch. Could someone like this be Zero...? Suzaku couldn't think. Among all the other dilemmas, thinking about something like that would break him.
"You're not lying to me...?" he asked softly.
Lelouch smiled as he gazed breathlessly at Suzaku, his features holding an open warmth that he couldn't hide in those moments. He had given up hope of having this with Suzaku. He had thought that things between them would be broken for some time to come... but he hadn't seen Suzaku's true reasons for pushing him away until these recent moments.
"I'm not lying to you. I don't want to build you up with falsehoods. That would only hurt you someday... but I don't need to do that. All I want to do is let you see the person I see when I look at you. To make you realize how great your worth is.
"All I have to gain in this is the one thing that I want the most, Suzaku..." Lelouch replied, his violet eyes earnest as he spoke. "To be with you... to try and make you happy..."
Suzaku thought in silence and then sighed. Lelouch did lie. But he would not lie about something like this. He still had his doubts and his suspicions but none of it pertained to what Lelouch felt about him for real. But until he could know without a doubt about Lelouch's innocence...
"I need to think about it..." he said softly, gently pushing himself away and getting up to gather the plates and glasses. "But thank you, Lelouch. I...I can't explain this right now but thank you."
Lelouch stared at Suzaku in wordless surprise when the other drew back from him and gathered up the dishes. He had thought that his words would be enough to persuade Suzaku when the other's actions had seemed to make it clear that this was what he wanted. What more could there be for Suzaku to consider? Without his emotions being forced to the surface, would Suzaku give them any further weight later on?
"I don't think that I understand..." Lelouch said softly, though he made no move to stop Suzaku. "Do you still not believe me?"
"No...I believe you," Suzaku said. "I just don't know if I believe myself right now...I still- it's hard to just....all of a sudden, you know."
"I suppose it is quite a shift in your way of thinking..." Lelouch replied, giving a slight nod. "But you should trust yourself... what you're feeling. We only have each other in this world. It isn't a sin to try to be happy. Don't take too long in thinking, all right?" Now that he had gotten a glimpse of Suzaku's genuine feelings, Lelouch knew that he could never just let it go. That did not mean that he had to push for everything immediately, however. If Suzaku needed time to adjust to the idea, then it would be best for him to have it. As long as he didn't go and begin thinking something foolish again...
"Right...." Suzaku murmured, taking the tray back into the kitchen. He was still at a loss but not the same sort as before.
Lelouch made no move to follow Suzaku as the other made his way into the kitchen. He wasn't entirely certain what was going on in the other's mind that was stopping him from accepting his own feelings, not when they were already reciprocated, but as hard as Suzaku had worked to deny them, perhaps he did just need time to adjust to having such emotions.
Waiting wouldn't be the easiest thing that Lelouch had ever done, but it wouldn't be the most difficult either. Not when he had reason to hope again. Not when he had seen with his own eyes how Suzaku felt about him.