He Ain't Heavy

[devoted_youkai]

Characters: Dokugakuji (devoted_youkai) and Sha Gojyo (lecherous_kappa)
When: Future-dated to Saturday
Where: By the Saiyukiyaki house zoo.
Rating: PG-13 (language, references to incest, matricide, and child abuse)
Summary: Brewing over recent events and thoughts, Doku looks for Gojyo in order to apologize.

Comments

[devoted_youkai]

Doku gave a small sigh of relief he wasn't even aware he had been holding. While he made plenty of things for the other youkai in the castle, especially his own group, it'd been years since he'd made anything for Gojyo. He knew Yaone was sincere in her words and actions whenever he made her a new box to hold her apothecary supplies in or a pair of hairsticks, and Kou's silence in accepting a sword stand was all he needed. But Gojyo was too old for toy boats and other wood toys (though Doku wouldn't have minded racing toy boats in the river).

"I'm glad. I wanted it to be a nice keepsake for the three of you. I'm happy for you. All of you."

He put his hands in his pockets and looked up at the sky. Cherry blossoms filled the ground and the slightest breeze sent more drifting away from the trees. It was peaceful. He wished Kou, Yaone, and Ririn could be here. And even... even his mother.

Doku looked down, a bitter smile crossing his face. She had been both a mother and a lover and neither at the same time, but he had still loved her for both even when he knew it was wrong. He looked at Gojyo, sighed, and looked away.

"Gojyo... Look... you... me..." he searched for something to hold onto before sighing and giving a dry laugh. "...I'm sorry. For running away and leaving you alone. For never contacting you even when I had the chance. For not being the brother I could have... should have been. Haz-- ...He was right. I could have done a lot more for you and I didn't. I failed you and I am sorry."

[lecherous_kappa]

He was surprised by Doku's sigh of relief, and gave his brother a puzzled look. "How could I not like it? You made it, and it's damn nice. Even if it had been ugly as hell, not like it was at all, you still would have made it for me. That.... that means shit, you know?" Gojyo might pretend to be all grown up, but there was something about having a brother that made him feel like he didn't have to try so hard, that he could just... be. Gojyo also wouldn't mind racing toy boats, provided someone like Unohana never saw it or heard about it.

Gojyo studied Doku. Something was eating at his brother. Of course, there had been a lot of shit in the past. Maybe he should just take guesses? But that could make things a lot worse.

"It's..." Doku finally talking didn't make things easier. Gojyo didn't know how to answer back. Damn. He couldn't just brush it off and say it was all right. Sure, he didn't resent Doku for it, but he'd spent many years wondering why his brother hadn't come back, what he'd done wrong.

"Shit happens." That was weak. "You... Yeah. You could have done more. But you didn't. And things didn't turn out half-bad. We're good. You don't have to let that asshole get to you. We're good, bro. Dokugakuji. Even if your name is stupidly long now." Gojyo smiled and put a hand on Doku's shoulder. "I've got you here. I don't want to let past shit mess up our chance now."

[devoted_youkai]

Doku gave a small smile and reached up to pat his brother on the back. He was glad Gojyo wasn't mad about it and moving on seemed so easy to do but he wanted to try to explain himself even if it had all been in the past.

"I was afraid. Afraid and guilty. Mom..." he faltered, the memory of a head of blonde hair falling to the ground in a pool of blood crossed his mind and Doku looked down. The same head of blonde hair that had been so alive in Gojyo's mind. "Look... a few weeks ago I had a dream. No, it wasn't a dream. I was in your mind. I... I saw Mom and... Mom was... Dad had a lot of lovers and that really hurt Mom. She was beginning to lose it already and..."

Doku took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts together and summoning enough courage to look at Gojyo. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong and I'm sorry I couldn't have done more for you. Or her."

[lecherous_kappa]

Touch seemed to imply that things were working. Gojyo was far better at understanding physical contact than talking, but most options along those lines were not exactly options with his brother. So they had shoulders and backs and words.

Guilt. Yeah, he could buy that easily. It had not been a simple situation, and killing someone, someone you cared about... Gojyo's shoulders hunched a bit as Doku talked about the dream. He'd known, but hearing it brought it out into the open. "I know. About the dream. Parts."

He looked down, studying his feet. Reaching up, he pushed his hair back from his face, out of his sight. "I know. I know that. I..." Gojyo shook his head, looking back up at Doku. "She was here. For two weeks. I was good. I'd pushed all that shit back, it was fine. And then she showed up. I tried..." He sighed. "I tried to make things work and failed again. She tried to kill me twice. If the chair hadn't been where it was..."

Raising a hand to his pocket he let little Zhong crawl back into his palm, and stroked down her back. "I just hoped. Hoped she would be happy, hoped you would come back, and then hoped that I could make her happy when I was grown up. It didn't work. But... here, shit isn't so bad. I know it's not going to last forever, someone's going to be pulled back one of these days. But while it lasts, I'm going to damn well enjoy it."

His gaze shifted from Zhong back to Doku. "The shit's in the past. We're good."

[devoted_youkai]

Something in Doku froze and cracked when he heard his mother had been here and still tried to kill Gojyo, not once, but twice. It didn't seem possible for her to have been here, but he trusted Gojyo's words. He closed his eyes and looked away, rubbing his forehead. Would things have been any different if he had arrived sooner? He doubted it himself. Maybe it would have been worse.

Doku looked back and gave a small smile at the sugar glider, reached out with a hand to let the small creature inspect it. "Yeah. We can't change the past but at least we can enjoy what we have now. I'm proud of you. Not so much a cute little punk anymore."

It was a half-hearted and somewhat lame attempt at a joke, but he meant it; he was proud of Gojyo, proud he'd found people who loved and cared about him and a path to take in his life. He cracked a small smile and reached out and gave Gojyo a heavy pat on the shoulder.

[lecherous_kappa]

He saw Doku look away, and didn't have a clue as to what might be going through his brother's head. There were too many thoughts in his own head to sort out what Doku might be thinking.

Gojyo held Zhong out, not minding her sniffing at Doku. She bumped Doku's hand with her little nose, and went back to resting in Gojyo's palm, unworried. He rolled his eyes but smiled softly at Doku's words. "I was never a cute little punk. I was sexy all along. But thanks." The thanks was in regards to Doku being proud, not the teasing. He wouldn't even admit to himself that it felt right to have Doku teasing him.

His smile faded, replaced by a more awkward look when Doku patted him. "Do you... uh. Never mind." It was a stupid idea, to ask if his brother hugged people. He was an adult. He didn't need a hug.

[devoted_youkai]

"Fine, you were a sexy little punk who is now an older, sexier not-so-little punk. Any better?"

Doku gently scratched Zhong on the head and fixed Gojyo with a knowing look when his sentence trailed off. Brother's intuition and all that. He held out his arms a little awkwardly and gave a small smile.

"Look, if you want a hug, just say so. Don't be shy."

[lecherous_kappa]

Gojyo snickered. "That's better. More accurate. I'll probably always be a punk. After all, I'm related to you. That can turn anyone into a punk."

"Dumbass," Gojyo muttered. "I'm an adult." But it didn't step him from moving forward and shifting Zhong out of the way.

He got scolded with a quiet chattering noise for taking away Doku's scratching finger. "Shush, you. You'll get more attention soon." Gojyo hugged his brother, hoping that no one walked up during it. He wanted to enjoy the hug without feeling too stupid.

[devoted_youkai]

Doku wrapped his arms around him and gently patted his back. As much as he teased his brother, he also hoped no one else came around and would give him a hard time about it. He was protective in that way, he supposed but it was only natural for siblings.

Doku let him go and looked over the cherry trees blooming by the river some distance away. Motioning over with his hand, he gave a general shrug. "There's a nice river around here. Probably be great for swimmin' in the summer, but you know, if you ever wanted to race boats or anythin' for old time's sakes, let me know. Unless you're an adult and too old for that kind of stuff."

[lecherous_kappa]

The hug was better than he'd admit. He shouldn't crave comfort like that, but the stress of the conversation was pretty much gone, now. Gojyo was very thankful no one had seen that, though.

Gojyo smirked and pushed his free hand into the pocket of his pants. "Shit. If you're not too old for it, I can't be. You're older than me and all. So if boats suddenly show up, hell, we can race them. And swimming's good too unless there are flesh-eating starfish or shit like that."

[devoted_youkai]

"We can begin small. How about toy boats? I've been collecting wood and I could carve something out in a few days. And flesh-eating starfish or other monstrous river creatures, there would be something. Maybe there's fish that can be caught."

Doku smiled and put his hands in his pocket. "...The weather is nice, isn't it. Good weather for a picnic."

[lecherous_kappa]

Gojyo encouraged Zhong to curl back up in his shirt pocket as he nodded to Doku. "Small's a good idea for starting out. We can get bigger later if we want to. And fish would be a change from milk all the time."

He smiled back, looking at the sky. "It is. We should have that picnic."

[devoted_youkai]

"Hakkai asked if I could go back out in the Wastelands to find another boar or two. Goku was going to come along too. Unfortunately, I never got a chance to go out and look, but do you want to come along? Bring back plenty of food, have a nice picnic, it'd be nice."

Doku felt bad about delaying the picnic by running out to face Hazel and hoped the rest of the household didn't hold it against him, but maybe doing some hunting and bringing back food would make up for it. If all else failed, he could work on building a new table and some chairs.

[lecherous_kappa]

"Never got the chance, huh?" He knew what had happened. He was still glad he'd gone out there after Doku. Who knew what that burst might have done? And if there really was something else in Hazel... Gojyo didn't want to lose his brother again, especially to some idiot priest. "Maybe one of these days there won't be any more priests running around." Though he didn't hate Sanzo.

"Sure. Let's get some food so we can stuff the monkey and satiate the rest of us." Gojyo was glad to actually have something to do with Doku. And now they didn't have to worry anymore about what they'd come home to. Unless the Monkey had gotten on Sanzo's nerves and he was shooting everywhere.