new york, new york
on friday at the strawberry fest i was volunteering as one of those people who accost random strangers and ask if they'd like to pledge their bone marrow (no, it hurts less than you think, and you'd be saving someone's life, and the chances are 1 in 20000 that we'd call you up) when this guy in a tie-dye shirt and two coils of hemp around his neck comes up to me. i give him the spiel, and he says yes - i am delighted, because in my entire shift he'd only be the second person who'd agree to pledge, and as it is all around us people are closing up their booths, it's almost the end of the strawberry fest. i fill in the form, so chockfull of personal information that in five minutes i'd found out that he's 29, his home is in new hampshire, he's an eastern european shade of white, and that his email address could almost pass for that of a thirteen-year-old girl. he signs off to verify that the information is right, and as i sign off as the witness he asks, if i'd like to hang out later. i'm taken by surprise; it isn't everyday that strangers ask if you'd like to hang out later, but after a moment's hesitation i say yes, and why don't i meet you by the fountain and the arch after i help pack up?
he doesn't have a cell phone, and i could see the uncertainty in his green eyes, how easy it would be for me to leave him waiting by the fountain and the arch. he's 29, and smokes hand-rolled cigarettes because in new york it's eleven dollars a pack and he'd be damned if he shelled out that kind of cash to feed this addiction, but i meet him anyway and we have coffee on a bench by the nyu business building, and walk aimlessly for a while in the sunlight (finally, the sunlight and the warmth) before we go to that vietnamese place i love so much for dinner. he's sweet and he pays for my dinner, something that i never let guys i date do, but i let him because he insisted and i didn't have the heart to refuse. later we hang out in the shade by the side of a clothing store, he smokes another roll and tries to put his arm around me. it takes me longer than it should to decide that i can't handle boys right now, and that i shouldn't lead him on, because it feels so nice for once to be the subject of adoration in someone's eyes. so i tell him that i don't know if i can deal with this and i tell him all the things that've happened since spring break, and all the little revelations i've had thus far. of course he's disappointed, but i don't want to kiss him - and besides, he doesn't have very good teeth, i think, in the back of my mind - and regret it later.
today charles and katie and i were walking around in union square and there is this boy holding up a free hugs sign. of course i cross the square and wave my arms at him, and he gives me a hug so tight and almost lifts me off the ground. whoa, i say, that's some hug! thanks for the hug! i smile and he hands me a sign and says that i should give someone a hug too. i glance over at charles, who's standing to the side awkwardly trying to deal with his thoughts - his thoughts are transparent, he's thinking how emasculating it would be for a guy to hug another guy who's holding a free hugs sign. katie's cool, she gives him a hug. i don't want to leave, i want to stand there holding that boy's spare sign and give people free hugs too, but i'm anxious because i don't want my friends to wait on me and my antics, but still i hold up the sign and smile to random strangers, and this couple comes up to me and i ask them, hi, want a free hug? they don't speak, but the man comes over and i hug him, and his wife? his lover? seems uncertain at first but deduces that surely this purple-haired girl in the flowy white skirt couldn't possibly mean any harm, so she too gives me a hug and quickly i turn back to that boy and said - done! and i call out to charles and katie to cross the street quickly with me while the red light flashes - but not before i catch this look across this boy's face - was he about to ask for my number? i hesitated for a second - too brief for him to ask - and fled across the road, i don't even know why. i suppose it's because it's a week to home, and there've been far too many fleeting boys in my life in the past month, and this one more, even though it's this -cute- one more, would tip my precarious balance over into another week of anxious confusion. it's a pity, i suppose, but at least i have this perfect memory, a poor consolation but a beautiful one.
new york is a crazy place and so today i woke up at noon and went to the sculpture studio to work on my project for an hour before going to the reading in the basement to put up my paintings and photographs. the reading was pretty good - there is a girl who read a love poem about another girl, and a couple of guitarists who played to each other, to the pre-recording of birds chirping, to us, something i can only describe as an atmospheric piece of music that is so beautiful and magical because they were listening to each other and it makes you feel calm and so alive. and then charles and katie and i walked around union square like i said before, and then katie and i went for sushi and dessert and coffee in the east village. it's easy to forget how retarded life can get sometimes when there's a shrimp tempura maki or a blood orange cake sitting in front of you - that's how good it is. i am surrounded by beautiful things, and i am living the dream. sometimes it's hard to see that, but on this day it's particularly clear. i can't write as well as a lot of people i know, but i hope i make up for it by being honest and sincere. this is how it's like to live in the village in new york city.
he doesn't have a cell phone, and i could see the uncertainty in his green eyes, how easy it would be for me to leave him waiting by the fountain and the arch. he's 29, and smokes hand-rolled cigarettes because in new york it's eleven dollars a pack and he'd be damned if he shelled out that kind of cash to feed this addiction, but i meet him anyway and we have coffee on a bench by the nyu business building, and walk aimlessly for a while in the sunlight (finally, the sunlight and the warmth) before we go to that vietnamese place i love so much for dinner. he's sweet and he pays for my dinner, something that i never let guys i date do, but i let him because he insisted and i didn't have the heart to refuse. later we hang out in the shade by the side of a clothing store, he smokes another roll and tries to put his arm around me. it takes me longer than it should to decide that i can't handle boys right now, and that i shouldn't lead him on, because it feels so nice for once to be the subject of adoration in someone's eyes. so i tell him that i don't know if i can deal with this and i tell him all the things that've happened since spring break, and all the little revelations i've had thus far. of course he's disappointed, but i don't want to kiss him - and besides, he doesn't have very good teeth, i think, in the back of my mind - and regret it later.
today charles and katie and i were walking around in union square and there is this boy holding up a free hugs sign. of course i cross the square and wave my arms at him, and he gives me a hug so tight and almost lifts me off the ground. whoa, i say, that's some hug! thanks for the hug! i smile and he hands me a sign and says that i should give someone a hug too. i glance over at charles, who's standing to the side awkwardly trying to deal with his thoughts - his thoughts are transparent, he's thinking how emasculating it would be for a guy to hug another guy who's holding a free hugs sign. katie's cool, she gives him a hug. i don't want to leave, i want to stand there holding that boy's spare sign and give people free hugs too, but i'm anxious because i don't want my friends to wait on me and my antics, but still i hold up the sign and smile to random strangers, and this couple comes up to me and i ask them, hi, want a free hug? they don't speak, but the man comes over and i hug him, and his wife? his lover? seems uncertain at first but deduces that surely this purple-haired girl in the flowy white skirt couldn't possibly mean any harm, so she too gives me a hug and quickly i turn back to that boy and said - done! and i call out to charles and katie to cross the street quickly with me while the red light flashes - but not before i catch this look across this boy's face - was he about to ask for my number? i hesitated for a second - too brief for him to ask - and fled across the road, i don't even know why. i suppose it's because it's a week to home, and there've been far too many fleeting boys in my life in the past month, and this one more, even though it's this -cute- one more, would tip my precarious balance over into another week of anxious confusion. it's a pity, i suppose, but at least i have this perfect memory, a poor consolation but a beautiful one.
new york is a crazy place and so today i woke up at noon and went to the sculpture studio to work on my project for an hour before going to the reading in the basement to put up my paintings and photographs. the reading was pretty good - there is a girl who read a love poem about another girl, and a couple of guitarists who played to each other, to the pre-recording of birds chirping, to us, something i can only describe as an atmospheric piece of music that is so beautiful and magical because they were listening to each other and it makes you feel calm and so alive. and then charles and katie and i walked around union square like i said before, and then katie and i went for sushi and dessert and coffee in the east village. it's easy to forget how retarded life can get sometimes when there's a shrimp tempura maki or a blood orange cake sitting in front of you - that's how good it is. i am surrounded by beautiful things, and i am living the dream. sometimes it's hard to see that, but on this day it's particularly clear. i can't write as well as a lot of people i know, but i hope i make up for it by being honest and sincere. this is how it's like to live in the village in new york city.