Performing Vicariously
10:00pm, 21 Nov 2009:
I'm sitting at my desk, typing with curlers in my hair. I wish you could see this. I look like some weird space age creature with strange white probes sticking out of her very bumpy head. Add in the tight, leotard-like black pyjamas my mum forced me to wear and you have the picture of a rather convincing alien.
On second thought, you probably wouldn't want to see me like this
My mum told me to drag the piano bench into the bathroom so she could test the curlers out on my hair. She was on her fifth curler or so when it struck me that I had spent an awful lot of time preparing for this concert. Well, duh, you might say. You had to learn and practice the song. But what struck me as strange was that I had also spent a huge amount of time preparing my appearance for this concert. I spent hours in the mall trying to pick a dress that would look decent on me. And then another couple of hours for shoes, getting my hair cut, etc... And let's not forget the hundreds of my times my mother tells me that my posture is appalling - that I shouldn't hunch in when I play the violin - but it's a lot easier to reach the notes and get more power that way. "/
But why should appearance matter? I'm playing in a concert, not modeling for a beauty shoot. In an ideal world, musicians would be judged entirely on how they play or what they write. But even I'm not that naive as to believe that's the case. Every time my aunt goes to a concert, she comments not on the music but the attire of the performers and conductors. And I know she's not the only one. My mother almost never talks about how I play - it's always about how I look. The charismatic/handsome/beautiful stars are the ones are usually more popular, regardless of talent. I almost wish that we could erect a screen between the performer and the audience so they be forced to just listen. But then the acoustics would be skewed and I wouldn't be able to feed off the energy from the audience when I perform.
This is exactly what I want to change once I figure out how exactly to do it. It'll be hard to break the superficiality, because I suspect its ingrained in our instincts. Some twisted version of natural selection and all. Hrm. Maybe I will hold concerts behind screens after all.
11:00pm, 21 Nov 2009:
Shit. shitshitshitshit. I am so screwed. Why the hell did I audition for the solo?! I'm not ready!! There's so much I need to fix! What the hell am I going to do? awelrijsd;lskjfpqwojr ad;sjf!!!!!!!! $%^&*(*&^%$#$%^&*(!!!!!
12:40am, 22 Nov 2009:
Okay. This isn't too bad. If my fingers are warm and I'm in the right mindset I can start off properly. There are still a few spots that are sort of muddy and other parts I can do if I'm careful about it, but I'm really too tired to practice anymore. My fingers aren't working - I think I may have overtaxed my muscles. Bed time.
9:30am, 22 Nov 2009:
Uggh. Too tired to be nervous. My stomach hurts - maybe my body is taking out my anxiety that way. Time to let my mum play with my hair and after that, practice time. Maybe I should have a banana now to make sure I don't freak out later.
12:20am, 22 Nov 2009:
omgomgomgomgomg. It's 12:20. We have to go we have to go! Why is everyone moving so slowly? Why can't I speak slowly? My hands are so cold! How am I supposed to play like this? *bouncebouncebouncebouncefidget*
2:00pm, 22 Nov 2009:
MY HANDS ARE COLD. I need another banana. Why can't I stop shaking?! Why am I such a fail concertmaster? Why does everything sound so DIFFERENT in a new hall? Bad different. I don't like playing here at all- may we move back to the Walt Disney Concert Hall? 8D I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm really, really, really scared.
3:00pm, 22 Nov 2009:
Ohhey. That wasn't so bad. That was even pretty good. If I can play it like that come concert time, I'll be okay. Jo said it was good; that must mean something, right? I hope it's not just because she doesn't want me to be nervous for the performance... I need to make sure I cue the orchestra in properly this time. Kevin just mentioned he was lost because I was busy being scared to come in 'cause everything sounded so weird. Okay. Confidence. Right.
3:50-ish, right before the Tzigane, 22 Nov 2009:
Showtime. Deep breath. Hands warm? A bit too warm. Maybe the heating pad was a bad idea. My hands are rather slippery. But alright, here we go:
Aaaaand, I can't really tell you what I was thinking during the Tzigane because every conscious thought just sort of flies out of my brain when I perform. Except for one part: when I completely screwed up my octaves. I have no idea why that was the part that went miserably wrong. I usually play those pretty well. Ooh god, so embarrassing. >///<
I'm still riding the post-concert high and it's been quite a while since the performance. Thank you so much for everyone that came. I really, really appreciate it. To me, performing feels like exchanging a part of yourself for a part of the listener. Hahaha! Feelingsex! You give through your practice and performance, and they give through their attention and applause. Knowing you were out there in the audience made it a lot more personal. <3 I really hope you enjoyed it!
Some interesting tidbits from today:
Mrs. Piyapattra asked for my autograph after the concert and made me laugh very hard at the reason. 'Just in case you become famous one day. Make sure you write "To Mrs. Piyapattra" so people know it's for me. Don't change your signature when you get older, okay?' And then Mrs. Dubble joined in the fun. "Waait! I want one, too!"
After I finished my performance, Jonathan came up to the stage with a huge bouquet. Denny turned to me and stage-whispered (I think the boy is incapable of speaking quietly): "Hey, is that your boyfriend???"
The first arc kept trying to communicate whether or not we should stand for different conductors with little twitches and mouthed words. It involved a lot of starting to rise and sitting back down.
I told Denny to be quiet when we were debating if Jo told us to sit or stay up. He raised his voice a couple of decibels and asked: "What? Am I not being quiet enough?" Hahaha. I love Denny. He makes PYMO so fun. XD
Also! Apparently, the guy who filmed my concert for me owns a TV Station and he's interested in airing it. He's asked if I'd like to come in for an interview. More details to come later when I call back. WAO. I'd LOVE to do that and see the workings of a studio and such. And maybe I can even get my message out early. It'd definitely be a start.
LIFE IS BRILLIANT RIGHT NOW. <3
I'm sitting at my desk, typing with curlers in my hair. I wish you could see this. I look like some weird space age creature with strange white probes sticking out of her very bumpy head. Add in the tight, leotard-like black pyjamas my mum forced me to wear and you have the picture of a rather convincing alien.
On second thought, you probably wouldn't want to see me like this
My mum told me to drag the piano bench into the bathroom so she could test the curlers out on my hair. She was on her fifth curler or so when it struck me that I had spent an awful lot of time preparing for this concert. Well, duh, you might say. You had to learn and practice the song. But what struck me as strange was that I had also spent a huge amount of time preparing my appearance for this concert. I spent hours in the mall trying to pick a dress that would look decent on me. And then another couple of hours for shoes, getting my hair cut, etc... And let's not forget the hundreds of my times my mother tells me that my posture is appalling - that I shouldn't hunch in when I play the violin - but it's a lot easier to reach the notes and get more power that way. "/
But why should appearance matter? I'm playing in a concert, not modeling for a beauty shoot. In an ideal world, musicians would be judged entirely on how they play or what they write. But even I'm not that naive as to believe that's the case. Every time my aunt goes to a concert, she comments not on the music but the attire of the performers and conductors. And I know she's not the only one. My mother almost never talks about how I play - it's always about how I look. The charismatic/handsome/beautiful stars are the ones are usually more popular, regardless of talent. I almost wish that we could erect a screen between the performer and the audience so they be forced to just listen. But then the acoustics would be skewed and I wouldn't be able to feed off the energy from the audience when I perform.
This is exactly what I want to change once I figure out how exactly to do it. It'll be hard to break the superficiality, because I suspect its ingrained in our instincts. Some twisted version of natural selection and all. Hrm. Maybe I will hold concerts behind screens after all.
11:00pm, 21 Nov 2009:
Shit. shitshitshitshit. I am so screwed. Why the hell did I audition for the solo?! I'm not ready!! There's so much I need to fix! What the hell am I going to do? awelrijsd;lskjfpqwojr ad;sjf!!!!!!!! $%^&*(*&^%$#$%^&*(!!!!!
12:40am, 22 Nov 2009:
Okay. This isn't too bad. If my fingers are warm and I'm in the right mindset I can start off properly. There are still a few spots that are sort of muddy and other parts I can do if I'm careful about it, but I'm really too tired to practice anymore. My fingers aren't working - I think I may have overtaxed my muscles. Bed time.
9:30am, 22 Nov 2009:
Uggh. Too tired to be nervous. My stomach hurts - maybe my body is taking out my anxiety that way. Time to let my mum play with my hair and after that, practice time. Maybe I should have a banana now to make sure I don't freak out later.
12:20am, 22 Nov 2009:
omgomgomgomgomg. It's 12:20. We have to go we have to go! Why is everyone moving so slowly? Why can't I speak slowly? My hands are so cold! How am I supposed to play like this? *bouncebouncebouncebouncefidget*
2:00pm, 22 Nov 2009:
MY HANDS ARE COLD. I need another banana. Why can't I stop shaking?! Why am I such a fail concertmaster? Why does everything sound so DIFFERENT in a new hall? Bad different. I don't like playing here at all- may we move back to the Walt Disney Concert Hall? 8D I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm really, really, really scared.
3:00pm, 22 Nov 2009:
Ohhey. That wasn't so bad. That was even pretty good. If I can play it like that come concert time, I'll be okay. Jo said it was good; that must mean something, right? I hope it's not just because she doesn't want me to be nervous for the performance... I need to make sure I cue the orchestra in properly this time. Kevin just mentioned he was lost because I was busy being scared to come in 'cause everything sounded so weird. Okay. Confidence. Right.
3:50-ish, right before the Tzigane, 22 Nov 2009:
Showtime. Deep breath. Hands warm? A bit too warm. Maybe the heating pad was a bad idea. My hands are rather slippery. But alright, here we go:
Aaaaand, I can't really tell you what I was thinking during the Tzigane because every conscious thought just sort of flies out of my brain when I perform. Except for one part: when I completely screwed up my octaves. I have no idea why that was the part that went miserably wrong. I usually play those pretty well. Ooh god, so embarrassing. >///<
I'm still riding the post-concert high and it's been quite a while since the performance. Thank you so much for everyone that came. I really, really appreciate it. To me, performing feels like exchanging a part of yourself for a part of the listener. Hahaha! Feelingsex! You give through your practice and performance, and they give through their attention and applause. Knowing you were out there in the audience made it a lot more personal. <3 I really hope you enjoyed it!
Some interesting tidbits from today:
Mrs. Piyapattra asked for my autograph after the concert and made me laugh very hard at the reason. 'Just in case you become famous one day. Make sure you write "To Mrs. Piyapattra" so people know it's for me. Don't change your signature when you get older, okay?' And then Mrs. Dubble joined in the fun. "Waait! I want one, too!"
After I finished my performance, Jonathan came up to the stage with a huge bouquet. Denny turned to me and stage-whispered (I think the boy is incapable of speaking quietly): "Hey, is that your boyfriend???"
The first arc kept trying to communicate whether or not we should stand for different conductors with little twitches and mouthed words. It involved a lot of starting to rise and sitting back down.
I told Denny to be quiet when we were debating if Jo told us to sit or stay up. He raised his voice a couple of decibels and asked: "What? Am I not being quiet enough?" Hahaha. I love Denny. He makes PYMO so fun. XD
Also! Apparently, the guy who filmed my concert for me owns a TV Station and he's interested in airing it. He's asked if I'd like to come in for an interview. More details to come later when I call back. WAO. I'd LOVE to do that and see the workings of a studio and such. And maybe I can even get my message out early. It'd definitely be a start.
LIFE IS BRILLIANT RIGHT NOW. <3