Relationships
Profound affection
Everlasting attention
Love is grand
Next month marks the 6th year that Josh and I have been together. We have been good friends for nearly 10 years now! Time sure flies when you spend it with your soul mate. Sure we have had some rocky times, but we always seem to work through things. College has been a great source of bonding for us these last few years. It has given us many tools for resolving our personal conflicts too. For example when we argue, we regularly choose to use a certain academic style of persuasive debate, called the Rogerian argument developed by the famous psychologist Carl Rogers. I first encountered this type of argument in a writing class, then later as a type of debate. The basic structure is as follows;
I found this quick outline of a Rogerian Debate at http://www.nd.edu/~fwriting/fyc/instructors/TwoModelsofArgument.shtml
Rogerian Debate
-Side A explains its position
-Side B explains its position
-Side A shows that Side B's position is understood by restating it, then shows in which contexts and under what conditions the opponent's position may be valid. (Note that the other side is never made to seem completely wrong.)
-Side B shows that Side A's position is understood by restating it, then shows in which contexts and under what conditions the opponent's position may be valid. (Note that the other side is never made to seem completely wrong.)
-Side A states how Side B's position would benefit if Side B would adopt elements of Side A's position. An attempt is made to show that the two positions complement each other and that each supplements what the other lacks.
-Side B states how Side A's position would benefit if Side A would adopt elements of Side B's position. An attempt is made to show that the two positions complement each other and that each supplements what the other lacks.
-All try to come to common understanding/resolution
The neat thing about Rogerian arguments is they are not usually highly emotionally charged. It's a calm quiet way of arguing void of yelling and other destructive emotional outbursts, because both agree to listen and never interrupt the other. Both are given equal opportunity to make their points clearly and to be heard by the other person who must summarize those points. The KEY to the summary is that the person who made the points has to agree fully with the summary of the other person. If they do not agree, THE SUMMARY MUST BE REVISED UNTIL MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING IS ACHIEVED. This enables the couple to work through problems which may be very emotional, without getting overly upset, angry or aggressive. This is because the goal of a Rogerian argument is to clearly understand the other person and to be clearly understood, rather then to win or loose the argument. This kind of argument takes a high level of cooperation and requires the ability to quietly listen even when you are hearing things you disagree with. It can be quite difficult not to interrupt and interject your own thoughts while listening- but to keep within the format of a Rogerian argument you must allow the other person to completely state their position. You must postpone your refute even further because you must then summarize to their satisfaction the position you just so attentively listened to. Only then do you begin to engage in refute. Still the benefit is that you are given the same curtsy by your partner which ensures that your own position is treated with equal respect.
Another thing that has given us academic tools to apply to and improve our relationship is the work of famous psychologist and marriage researcher, John Gottman. Every couple should read Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or at least watch a video of one of his seminars, or better yet attend one of his seminars. Gottman's research into what makes marriage work is absolutely astonishing. Josh and I have both studied Gottman and can recognize when we are engaging in behavior that is counter productive to nurturing a healthy relationship. This does not mean that we, as all couples, do not occasionally engage in these behaviors but rather that we understand them and avoid them when ever possible. If you are in a long term relationship, whether you are young or old, married or not, gay or straight, happy or unhappy, I highly recommend that you AND YOUR PARTNER study Gottman. Below are the main ideas from Gottman's research.
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Magic 5:1 Ratio
The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse
The Four Predictors of Divorce
Everlasting attention
Love is grand
Next month marks the 6th year that Josh and I have been together. We have been good friends for nearly 10 years now! Time sure flies when you spend it with your soul mate. Sure we have had some rocky times, but we always seem to work through things. College has been a great source of bonding for us these last few years. It has given us many tools for resolving our personal conflicts too. For example when we argue, we regularly choose to use a certain academic style of persuasive debate, called the Rogerian argument developed by the famous psychologist Carl Rogers. I first encountered this type of argument in a writing class, then later as a type of debate. The basic structure is as follows;
I found this quick outline of a Rogerian Debate at http://www.nd.edu/~fwriting/fyc/instructors/TwoModelsofArgument.shtml
Rogerian Debate
-Side A explains its position
-Side B explains its position
-Side A shows that Side B's position is understood by restating it, then shows in which contexts and under what conditions the opponent's position may be valid. (Note that the other side is never made to seem completely wrong.)
-Side B shows that Side A's position is understood by restating it, then shows in which contexts and under what conditions the opponent's position may be valid. (Note that the other side is never made to seem completely wrong.)
-Side A states how Side B's position would benefit if Side B would adopt elements of Side A's position. An attempt is made to show that the two positions complement each other and that each supplements what the other lacks.
-Side B states how Side A's position would benefit if Side A would adopt elements of Side B's position. An attempt is made to show that the two positions complement each other and that each supplements what the other lacks.
-All try to come to common understanding/resolution
The neat thing about Rogerian arguments is they are not usually highly emotionally charged. It's a calm quiet way of arguing void of yelling and other destructive emotional outbursts, because both agree to listen and never interrupt the other. Both are given equal opportunity to make their points clearly and to be heard by the other person who must summarize those points. The KEY to the summary is that the person who made the points has to agree fully with the summary of the other person. If they do not agree, THE SUMMARY MUST BE REVISED UNTIL MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING IS ACHIEVED. This enables the couple to work through problems which may be very emotional, without getting overly upset, angry or aggressive. This is because the goal of a Rogerian argument is to clearly understand the other person and to be clearly understood, rather then to win or loose the argument. This kind of argument takes a high level of cooperation and requires the ability to quietly listen even when you are hearing things you disagree with. It can be quite difficult not to interrupt and interject your own thoughts while listening- but to keep within the format of a Rogerian argument you must allow the other person to completely state their position. You must postpone your refute even further because you must then summarize to their satisfaction the position you just so attentively listened to. Only then do you begin to engage in refute. Still the benefit is that you are given the same curtsy by your partner which ensures that your own position is treated with equal respect.
Another thing that has given us academic tools to apply to and improve our relationship is the work of famous psychologist and marriage researcher, John Gottman. Every couple should read Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or at least watch a video of one of his seminars, or better yet attend one of his seminars. Gottman's research into what makes marriage work is absolutely astonishing. Josh and I have both studied Gottman and can recognize when we are engaging in behavior that is counter productive to nurturing a healthy relationship. This does not mean that we, as all couples, do not occasionally engage in these behaviors but rather that we understand them and avoid them when ever possible. If you are in a long term relationship, whether you are young or old, married or not, gay or straight, happy or unhappy, I highly recommend that you AND YOUR PARTNER study Gottman. Below are the main ideas from Gottman's research.
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The Magic 5:1 Ratio
The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse
The Four Predictors of Divorce