35
I miss posting here. I miss the community, and this way of connecting with people. The internet isn't what it was.
As of 35, I think "middle age" is something of a myth. Realistically, there are different shades of being young, and different shades of being old. The midpoint strikes me as being about 40. So, I feel that I'm on the last rung of the "young" ladder. Those who believe in a "middle age" should probably include me, given my proximity to the midpoint.
To be honest, I did not expect to make it this far. There have been lots of things along the way that should have derailed me. I think most poignantly, that I still view myself in many ways as a spiritual twin brother to James, and James never grew old. For some time after his death, I half-expected my own to follow. I didn't think I'd outlive him by this much; somehow, in some equation I intuitively consider central to the universe, that doesn't balance.
Yet here I am. Thus far I've only just been getting by, in part because I had to -- my family screwed me financially and left me to dig myself out of a hole -- and in part because I don't accept the continuation of life. I'm just plugging along because I should, and because the universe has not yet decided to end my obligation to do so upon pain of being a quitter.
Before I become old, I would like to be able to view life differently than as an ordeal, as something that can only be measured in terms of pain (the less, the better). As just something to endure and get through. I'd like to actually get something out of it, including some measure of satisfaction and personal growth. Is that reaching for the stars?
As of 35, I think "middle age" is something of a myth. Realistically, there are different shades of being young, and different shades of being old. The midpoint strikes me as being about 40. So, I feel that I'm on the last rung of the "young" ladder. Those who believe in a "middle age" should probably include me, given my proximity to the midpoint.
To be honest, I did not expect to make it this far. There have been lots of things along the way that should have derailed me. I think most poignantly, that I still view myself in many ways as a spiritual twin brother to James, and James never grew old. For some time after his death, I half-expected my own to follow. I didn't think I'd outlive him by this much; somehow, in some equation I intuitively consider central to the universe, that doesn't balance.
Yet here I am. Thus far I've only just been getting by, in part because I had to -- my family screwed me financially and left me to dig myself out of a hole -- and in part because I don't accept the continuation of life. I'm just plugging along because I should, and because the universe has not yet decided to end my obligation to do so upon pain of being a quitter.
Before I become old, I would like to be able to view life differently than as an ordeal, as something that can only be measured in terms of pain (the less, the better). As just something to endure and get through. I'd like to actually get something out of it, including some measure of satisfaction and personal growth. Is that reaching for the stars?