Save Point - November 3rd, 2013
How to start this...
I have basically been in Seattle for just under a year.
Can I say that I've accomplished much while I was here? Not really.
Long story short, my life has been in limbo.
I've lost two consecutive days this last weekend to what I can only describe as depression induced sleepiness.
It's not like I didn't have alarms set, but when they rang, could not find reason to actually wake up. Didn't feel it was necessary.
So I basically slept two days in a row, in about 12-14 hour stretches at a time.
And this concerns me.
Causes?
Part of it is possibly feeling that I'm a parasite, or that I'm just useless.
I wouldn't have a job if it weren't for my dad, and even then, he does all he can to support me. It kills me a little bit though. I would give just about anything to be hired to do something on my own merit.
But part of it is the job too. Designing spreadsheets and creating data tables that even my boss acknowledges are largely internal, and largely only for my own benefit in regards to analyzing data. My role does not feel valued, or even really necessary. And the company is so dysfunctional that it's making me completely jaded with the school system, should I ever decide to have my own kids.
I don't have many friendships here. Most of them are involved with significant others, and they often no time for me, since they are busy doing the family thing. Dating is also a bit of a complication, in that random dating feels like such a chore, and I've been burned by it in the past semi-frequently that I just don't really have much of a stomach for it anymore. Additionally, while I don't have a "official" relationship, I do have someone I care about deeply. Complicating factor is that they are at a distance. While they have made motions that it would be ok for me to go on dates or seek local attention, such has always been attached with the string of "but doing such would also make me unhappy." Which...I am loathe to do.
But at the same time, with one notable exception, I have not been tied up since I moved out here. I have had next to no pet time. And while I've had a little bit of toppy time, it's never been feeding in quite the same way. My love tank gets words, but I feel like I'm slowly starving. To remedy such though would likely make people I care about unhappy though...
What else...Body issues and fitness.
I have lost about 10-15 lbs since I moved out to Seattle. I'm largely happy with this number, and feel like that my goal now should be gaining muscle mass as opposed to dropping weight. I feel like continuing to drop weight would be disfiguring. (gaunt face, anorexic skinny, etc.)
I must find a doctor at some point though. Or work. Or something to give me fulfillment/affection/meaning. I can feel myself get weirder by the day.
And it's troubling.
I have basically been in Seattle for just under a year.
Can I say that I've accomplished much while I was here? Not really.
Long story short, my life has been in limbo.
I've lost two consecutive days this last weekend to what I can only describe as depression induced sleepiness.
It's not like I didn't have alarms set, but when they rang, could not find reason to actually wake up. Didn't feel it was necessary.
So I basically slept two days in a row, in about 12-14 hour stretches at a time.
And this concerns me.
Causes?
Part of it is possibly feeling that I'm a parasite, or that I'm just useless.
I wouldn't have a job if it weren't for my dad, and even then, he does all he can to support me. It kills me a little bit though. I would give just about anything to be hired to do something on my own merit.
But part of it is the job too. Designing spreadsheets and creating data tables that even my boss acknowledges are largely internal, and largely only for my own benefit in regards to analyzing data. My role does not feel valued, or even really necessary. And the company is so dysfunctional that it's making me completely jaded with the school system, should I ever decide to have my own kids.
I don't have many friendships here. Most of them are involved with significant others, and they often no time for me, since they are busy doing the family thing. Dating is also a bit of a complication, in that random dating feels like such a chore, and I've been burned by it in the past semi-frequently that I just don't really have much of a stomach for it anymore. Additionally, while I don't have a "official" relationship, I do have someone I care about deeply. Complicating factor is that they are at a distance. While they have made motions that it would be ok for me to go on dates or seek local attention, such has always been attached with the string of "but doing such would also make me unhappy." Which...I am loathe to do.
But at the same time, with one notable exception, I have not been tied up since I moved out here. I have had next to no pet time. And while I've had a little bit of toppy time, it's never been feeding in quite the same way. My love tank gets words, but I feel like I'm slowly starving. To remedy such though would likely make people I care about unhappy though...
What else...Body issues and fitness.
I have lost about 10-15 lbs since I moved out to Seattle. I'm largely happy with this number, and feel like that my goal now should be gaining muscle mass as opposed to dropping weight. I feel like continuing to drop weight would be disfiguring. (gaunt face, anorexic skinny, etc.)
I must find a doctor at some point though. Or work. Or something to give me fulfillment/affection/meaning. I can feel myself get weirder by the day.
And it's troubling.