updating my journal at nearly halfpast 6am...because i no longer sleep

[adrone]

i think after sleeping for nearly 12 hours should make a day of very little sleep pretty easy to handle. dear jesus on a pogo stick. i think im about to go walking around my little world and look for blackberries. you know, they're good right about now. it's not quite light enough outside. why the fuck are all these people in my house. my sisters are home, marie even. tho, she leaves in about 4 hours to go back to helping autistic girls wash thier hair and stuff. happy birthday claire. i totally smell coffe. i was totally hallucinating...oh well. levitate my soul to an open space. my best alone will lift me higher. i could really use a cigarette right now. i would really smoke the ever loving shit out of it. i dont know why i would crave one, i haven't had one since that random encounter with don dan at the middle school. a basic. they are too mild and they taste really bad. i can't get my own because i don't have any money, no one i know over 18 would get me some, and i can't bring them in the house because somehow, some fucking way my mom will find them and steel them and i'll just get more ticked off. i hate living in a house. i want an apartment. there you can smoke up the place burning OPIUM and no one will care. indeed. i spent the stupidest time out of the house today. we all went to rembrandt's and met rachel and alex there. all claire and rachel talked about was work, almost as hardcore as matt and caleb talk about nabe. haha.. it pissed me off because i was already mad at some of my family because they care about absolutely nothing important. that's why i want a cigarette. that's why i want an apartment. at around 3 or so i called eric and he's having a bad ass time recording and getting drunk and yelling at rednecks. sounds perfect. now, if we go to lake winnie tomorrow, im going to throw a fit because we were supposed to go thrusday but claire decided out of her ass that they would rather go to fucking dolly wood for 2 days and i thought ok whatever, right? but if we go tomorrow, or rather today, zack wont be able to go. and he is supposed to go. but because of all these crazy people living in my house, they can't sit still and chill the fuck out for a day. claire works and that's gay because it's summer, and she should totally be spending time with me me me me me. im so sorry that im talking about nothing at all, but im just distressed and there is no one on the face of the planet awake right now. and not many people would appreciate a call from me at 6.46 in the morning either. and while megan's on an island and alex is on another, much closer island, i feel so caged up here. LIKE A RAT. what am i going to do with myself.

IM GOING OUT.