there's nothing left for me, here
One month ago, I moved into a house that I don't really care for, with the inactive participants of a family that I care for even less. We've all become conspiracy theorists, willing participants in six separate versions of the truth that we're all convinced will set us free from the misery in which we exist. If this sounds like a new reality television series to you, you're not far from the truth. The only difference is that there is no sex between enemies, no grand cash total at the "end" of the thirty-minute session of arguments. There is no bright side, better yet - no competition. All along, we've been living here and getting pummeled by hurricane after hurricane and bonus tropical storms, powerless (literally) and confused. Even our dogs are starting to go crazy. I can't see the logic that was the reason we moved here, anymore.
I want to sacrifice all of this; I want to be poor again, where I didn't worry about which of the cars to take to dinner. I worried about how we'd pay for dinner, sacrificing a month of having a bathroom light for a birthday cake. I don't like wasting resources and I don't like people who take pride in the fact that they do. I want to go home. I WANT THE ROOF TO START LEAKING SO THAT I CAN APPRECIATE HAVING ONE! I want the only entertainment to come from my brain again and not produced by lights and canned comedy. I want to once again feel like I quite possibly could have a future in producing literary masterpieces, rather than observing them from other people who make use of their creativity. It isn't me to sit idle.
Recent circumstances (hurricanes, parents and what-not) have made it so that I appeared in the town of Concord, North Carolina once more. What was once a miserable place to be has become somewhere to which I wish I could return. The three days I spent with my dad were possibly some of the best I've had since we left. Some of the things that he said really opened up my eyes to certain things. And even if I didn't come out of it being a "better person," I think I've learned to appreciate a lot more. My opportunity to prove that my brain was wasting away arrived in the form of a test that I'd taken before I left California. The results were forwarded to this address - I hadn't expected to see them. But I did and wasn't happy about it. I didn't pass the CHSPE by three points. I'd taken the test for fun, under the impression that what was once an entertaining activity for me would remain so, that I would pass and do nothing about it. Every now and then I'd test, to make sure my pride (claims of intelligence) could hold water, and then BAM. I failed? Sure, it could have been credited to having a bad test day, or not enough sleep or food or a number of other excuses. But the fact remains that I failed out of disrespect for my body and mind.
I'd been letting myself waste away at the Cedarwood Sudbury School, where doing nothing is more encouraged than helping yourself to knowledge. My dwindling intellect was the least of my worries for so long, but now I've decided that everything else will take a back seat to college. Nothing will allow me to neglect my meditation practices and studying - I won't let that happen again. As it is, I feel stupid.
And after watching all the conspiracy movies on 9-11 that I could get my hands on, I feel more stupid. I want to leave the planet, please.
Having said all that, I minimize.
If anyone wants to buy a gently used Sony Vaio PCG-GRZ630 (2.4 gig processor, 40gig hd, 512 ram, dvd + cdrw, 15.4" screen) with all the manuals and discs, two ac adapters, a cooling tray, and a vaio backpack (brand new, never opened) let me know. I need money more than I need my computer, imagine that.
I want to sacrifice all of this; I want to be poor again, where I didn't worry about which of the cars to take to dinner. I worried about how we'd pay for dinner, sacrificing a month of having a bathroom light for a birthday cake. I don't like wasting resources and I don't like people who take pride in the fact that they do. I want to go home. I WANT THE ROOF TO START LEAKING SO THAT I CAN APPRECIATE HAVING ONE! I want the only entertainment to come from my brain again and not produced by lights and canned comedy. I want to once again feel like I quite possibly could have a future in producing literary masterpieces, rather than observing them from other people who make use of their creativity. It isn't me to sit idle.
Recent circumstances (hurricanes, parents and what-not) have made it so that I appeared in the town of Concord, North Carolina once more. What was once a miserable place to be has become somewhere to which I wish I could return. The three days I spent with my dad were possibly some of the best I've had since we left. Some of the things that he said really opened up my eyes to certain things. And even if I didn't come out of it being a "better person," I think I've learned to appreciate a lot more. My opportunity to prove that my brain was wasting away arrived in the form of a test that I'd taken before I left California. The results were forwarded to this address - I hadn't expected to see them. But I did and wasn't happy about it. I didn't pass the CHSPE by three points. I'd taken the test for fun, under the impression that what was once an entertaining activity for me would remain so, that I would pass and do nothing about it. Every now and then I'd test, to make sure my pride (claims of intelligence) could hold water, and then BAM. I failed? Sure, it could have been credited to having a bad test day, or not enough sleep or food or a number of other excuses. But the fact remains that I failed out of disrespect for my body and mind.
I'd been letting myself waste away at the Cedarwood Sudbury School, where doing nothing is more encouraged than helping yourself to knowledge. My dwindling intellect was the least of my worries for so long, but now I've decided that everything else will take a back seat to college. Nothing will allow me to neglect my meditation practices and studying - I won't let that happen again. As it is, I feel stupid.
And after watching all the conspiracy movies on 9-11 that I could get my hands on, I feel more stupid. I want to leave the planet, please.
Having said all that, I minimize.
If anyone wants to buy a gently used Sony Vaio PCG-GRZ630 (2.4 gig processor, 40gig hd, 512 ram, dvd + cdrw, 15.4" screen) with all the manuals and discs, two ac adapters, a cooling tray, and a vaio backpack (brand new, never opened) let me know. I need money more than I need my computer, imagine that.