(no subject)
Ok, it's over. Finally over!!! I relented and responded to one of Stephanie's phone calls. I went over to talk about stuff and she was much calmer than I expected. She had two steaming cups of tea on the table and we sorted everything out.
My misunderstandings: She was caught off guard by my apology yesterday and didn't even realize that she came off accusing/attacking. She didn't clarify in her sentence yesterday about when she knew I was pissed off. She knew THE NEXT DAY that I was mad about the front seat. Because of my unstable nature at the time I was totally unaware of the effect I was having on everyone; I wanted to hang around people even though I was mad to foil the "conspiracy" to exclude me and punish everyone for "conspiring" in the first place. That was a more subconscious feeling but that was my basic mindset.
Her misunderstandings: Sometimes she felt like I was being condescending when I got mothery (I wasn't trying to be condescending I just like to take care of people, I just need to chill out on that sometimes). I get awkwardly defensive sometimes about things as if I'm trying to keep people from thinking poorly of me (Like I lent her this cd and she returned it and said it wasn't what she expected and I immediately started to justify why I even had it... I am a chronic people pleaser and it's been worse since I've started work again. It is my job to make excuses and kiss ass to keep people from being mad at the hotel--and me). That behavior doesn't offend her she just feels like it makes situations awkward bc then she's worrying about making me think that she hates me or something. Sometimes she felt like I got kind of competitive bc I sometimes tend to take over cleaning or organizing projects at her house (I have taken over organizing stuff there, I realized later that it is not my place to do that but it wasn't to be comptetitive; it's just being excited to help and I really like organizing things...I need to chill out there too).
That's the basic gist of it all. It's kind of frightening to see how unstable I can become without my medicine. The sleep deprivation and stressful week was no help at all either. After this messy incedent I want to do things to help increase my mental and emotional discipline. Maybe find some meditation classes or do some biofeedback... I also want to see a professional about my hypersensitivity to feeling excluded. That in combination with mental discipline I hope would keep me from becoming so unstable in the future (especially in the event that I might not have access to meds or something).
It's so hard to find a behavioral balance. You never know what is going to bother people. If I assume everyone knows what I know then I may be leaving people in the dust or getting mad unjustifiably when someone doesn't behave how I would. If I pretend the person and I know totally different things then I risk coming off as condescending. Where do you draw the line? What should I care and not care about? There is no answer and that's what makes it all the more confusing.
My misunderstandings: She was caught off guard by my apology yesterday and didn't even realize that she came off accusing/attacking. She didn't clarify in her sentence yesterday about when she knew I was pissed off. She knew THE NEXT DAY that I was mad about the front seat. Because of my unstable nature at the time I was totally unaware of the effect I was having on everyone; I wanted to hang around people even though I was mad to foil the "conspiracy" to exclude me and punish everyone for "conspiring" in the first place. That was a more subconscious feeling but that was my basic mindset.
Her misunderstandings: Sometimes she felt like I was being condescending when I got mothery (I wasn't trying to be condescending I just like to take care of people, I just need to chill out on that sometimes). I get awkwardly defensive sometimes about things as if I'm trying to keep people from thinking poorly of me (Like I lent her this cd and she returned it and said it wasn't what she expected and I immediately started to justify why I even had it... I am a chronic people pleaser and it's been worse since I've started work again. It is my job to make excuses and kiss ass to keep people from being mad at the hotel--and me). That behavior doesn't offend her she just feels like it makes situations awkward bc then she's worrying about making me think that she hates me or something. Sometimes she felt like I got kind of competitive bc I sometimes tend to take over cleaning or organizing projects at her house (I have taken over organizing stuff there, I realized later that it is not my place to do that but it wasn't to be comptetitive; it's just being excited to help and I really like organizing things...I need to chill out there too).
That's the basic gist of it all. It's kind of frightening to see how unstable I can become without my medicine. The sleep deprivation and stressful week was no help at all either. After this messy incedent I want to do things to help increase my mental and emotional discipline. Maybe find some meditation classes or do some biofeedback... I also want to see a professional about my hypersensitivity to feeling excluded. That in combination with mental discipline I hope would keep me from becoming so unstable in the future (especially in the event that I might not have access to meds or something).
It's so hard to find a behavioral balance. You never know what is going to bother people. If I assume everyone knows what I know then I may be leaving people in the dust or getting mad unjustifiably when someone doesn't behave how I would. If I pretend the person and I know totally different things then I risk coming off as condescending. Where do you draw the line? What should I care and not care about? There is no answer and that's what makes it all the more confusing.