My heart is strangely torn
I just read a blog entry that a friend/mentor of mine wrote awhile ago about the role of deacons and the decision of the General Conference to allow sacramental authority to deacons in certain circumstances. I think he made reference to me in the beginning of his article in a vague way, although I'm not entirely sure. I guess it doesn't matter.
I was fixated with his arguments, as he is generally more profound and insightful than I seem to be with my own writing, and I couldn't help but read all 24 comments. Reading the variety of responses and feeling the level of emotion in those words leaves me with a very unsettled feeling.
This entry was written by someone I've known and respected for years. His ecclesiology is very strong and well-supported, and ecclesial authority seems to be the most prominent thing that seems to fuel his discussions. What gets me is a remark something to the effect that deacons cannot be called to the diaconate and to the sacraments.
What I want to say, in all of my struggling and kicking and discerning, is that I want to throw my hands up in the air and reject anyone that tells me I'm not called to the sacraments. As I understand ministry, we as Christians receive the Eucharist as a means of God's grace for us that strengthens us and enables us to believe not only in the death of Christ, but the resurrection of Christ as well. I find joy and hope and strength in that. When I hear the words of institution at Communion, I'm filled with something I cannot explain. I hear the words in my heart before they're ever spoken. I know that liturgy and it gives me strength.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. There is a very real chance that I am called to be a pastor, and I am scared out of my mind because I don't have enough faith that I will be sustained and effective as a pastor, or that I can be used by God to sustain a group of people. I've gone through so many theological changes and crises myself in the last 9 years that the thought that I could lead anybody else sounds like the worst possible outcome for any congregation. I know that I have gifts, but it's beyond my comprehension that God would call me to a ministry that I find so unhealthy and exhausting most of the time.
I think the itinerant system is killing our church. In reading the many comments to this article, the discussion quickly became one of rights and power between deacons and elders. The accusations began to emerge, not surprisingly, that deacons are just trying to get ordained "through the back door" as one person wrote, without "having" to itinerant. What this language says to me is that this elder in particular--I would not say all--seems bitter that he had to go through something that us arrogant deacons do not *have* to go through. So I am expected to subject my future family to an unhealthy lifestyle, leave churches prematurely, work for twice as many hours as I receive support, be at the beck and call of my congregation 24 hours a day, make myself exhausted and keep a shiny exterior at all times because I am called to read words over grape juice and bread once a month? If our sacramental theology really comes down to this, I'm not sure I understand the purpose of the sacraments anymore.
Am I really the only one that feels the weight of this problem? I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent thinking about this and crying over this and wondering why God would call me to a ministry that sounds more oppressive to me most of the time. I know that I am much more than my Myers-Briggs type, but every introvert pastor I have seen has seemed exhausted and unhappy. I've never seen a healthy introverted pastor who made time for herself or himself to regain energy and serve more effectively. They are used by their congregations, ridiculed for not exhibiting the same characteristics as Joe Entertainer Preacher, and then dismissed. I absolutely do not need an accolade 24 hours a day, but what about this joyous itinerant system seems to be in line with the life-giving nature of God?
I do not want to uproot my family every 3-5 years for the sake of a church that is more concerned about running programs and filling pews than loving the marginalized. I do not want to be at the expense of bishops who are more concerned with filling slots than discerning with the Spirit. I do not want to be at the expense of an institution that focuses largely on death and ecclesial politics (i.e. arguments over who "has to" go through what, knowing that we all have different callings) and I do not want to have everything that fuels my creativity and brings me livelihood taken away because I am too busy trying to conform to what somebody deems more "picturesque" of a pastor.
I love to lead worship, but I love to listen to people who need to be heard. I love to preach, but I am blessed to talk to people who have been hurt by the church and know their struggles. I like writing liturgy, but I long to make that liturgy real and worthwhile in the lives of people who would never call themselves Christian.
What am I supposed to do? Do I stand in the middle of the UMC watching these arguments continue? Do I give up entirely and become an elder when I have a clear calling to reach people outside the church? I have no interest in catering to a congregation's every need and staying in one place while there are people who have never known the church as a place of God's love. I'm not suggesting that elders are called to cater to needs constantly, but let's just be honest here - that is what they end up doing. It's unfortunate, but it happens.
I just don't know what to do, and I wish it were that easy for me to place such authority in the United Methodist Church. But I have no faith in institutions. One of the things I keep hearing of people in my 'generation' is that we are so mistrusting of institutions and authority. I wish I could place faith in what God can do through bishops and boards of ordained ministry. I wish I could hear subtle hints of inferiority (such as the ones I heard at my DCOM certification interview) and write them off as 'continued dialogue' about the orders of ministry. The fact is that I cannot place my trust in the UMC, and I cannot pretend that these issues won't effect me.
The sacraments are not a grounds for claiming power and authority, nor is itinerant ministry, but it always seems to come back to this, and even as I try to articulate my thoughts, I jump back and forth in this tension. Maybe it is true that we treat the sacraments as though they are instruments under our control and at our discretion, but I really do believe that it is God who initiates our longings toward means of grace.
What really gets me is when people try to make these issues so clearly defined because of institutional assumptions. We can be honest about the fact that the UMC is a dysfunctional family at times, and even that we are too individualistic in our callings, but I don't understand why we have to view these orders of ministry as a competition of sorts. If I become ordained as a deacon, I am not 'less than' an elder, but I find myself having to work harder to compensate, for being a woman and seeking to be a deacon and being young in a church where youth is lacking. So I find myself trying to compensate and somehow 'prove' my way into membership, which is not something of which I'm proud.
I was given a hard time by the former secretary of my home conference for seeking an M. Div instead of a BGTS degree as a deacon candidate. If we are going to have these discussions about roles and requirements, I want to know why we call our orders 'equal' and yet have different educational requirements. Is it not the role of the deacon to know administration, organization and pastoral care? Why must being compassionate and guiding someone be limited to the local church? Isn't this very limitation the problem in the first place?
Part of me is angry because I know my friend is right in many of his assertions, but I don't know that I can ever accept that ecclesial authority that he seems to so willingly embrace. I don't know why I don't have this trust, but what I do know is that the more I read of these arguments and the more rigid such discussions become in terms of defining the orders by what *they* had to go through, the more I sigh and wonder when we will know true faith and strength in the church that comes from God, who calls us, and not our own experiences flavored with bitterness or power.
Even as I write this, I know that I have my own biases and I speak from my own experiences and understanding of what I have seen in this conversation with elders. I also admit my own biases in what I have seen in pastors I have known, and how that has effected my view of pastoral ministry. I do not suggest that all elders are the same, nor that I can make blanket statements about them. I really do not want this discussion to be about "us" vs. "them," and maybe it is that my friend did not so willingly embrace ecclesial authority. I suspect that it was a process for him, and I guess it's a process for me, too, but I'm having a difficult time because I feel like I'm fighting to use my voice in a system that tells me to shut up if it sounds different.
I was fixated with his arguments, as he is generally more profound and insightful than I seem to be with my own writing, and I couldn't help but read all 24 comments. Reading the variety of responses and feeling the level of emotion in those words leaves me with a very unsettled feeling.
This entry was written by someone I've known and respected for years. His ecclesiology is very strong and well-supported, and ecclesial authority seems to be the most prominent thing that seems to fuel his discussions. What gets me is a remark something to the effect that deacons cannot be called to the diaconate and to the sacraments.
What I want to say, in all of my struggling and kicking and discerning, is that I want to throw my hands up in the air and reject anyone that tells me I'm not called to the sacraments. As I understand ministry, we as Christians receive the Eucharist as a means of God's grace for us that strengthens us and enables us to believe not only in the death of Christ, but the resurrection of Christ as well. I find joy and hope and strength in that. When I hear the words of institution at Communion, I'm filled with something I cannot explain. I hear the words in my heart before they're ever spoken. I know that liturgy and it gives me strength.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. There is a very real chance that I am called to be a pastor, and I am scared out of my mind because I don't have enough faith that I will be sustained and effective as a pastor, or that I can be used by God to sustain a group of people. I've gone through so many theological changes and crises myself in the last 9 years that the thought that I could lead anybody else sounds like the worst possible outcome for any congregation. I know that I have gifts, but it's beyond my comprehension that God would call me to a ministry that I find so unhealthy and exhausting most of the time.
I think the itinerant system is killing our church. In reading the many comments to this article, the discussion quickly became one of rights and power between deacons and elders. The accusations began to emerge, not surprisingly, that deacons are just trying to get ordained "through the back door" as one person wrote, without "having" to itinerant. What this language says to me is that this elder in particular--I would not say all--seems bitter that he had to go through something that us arrogant deacons do not *have* to go through. So I am expected to subject my future family to an unhealthy lifestyle, leave churches prematurely, work for twice as many hours as I receive support, be at the beck and call of my congregation 24 hours a day, make myself exhausted and keep a shiny exterior at all times because I am called to read words over grape juice and bread once a month? If our sacramental theology really comes down to this, I'm not sure I understand the purpose of the sacraments anymore.
Am I really the only one that feels the weight of this problem? I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent thinking about this and crying over this and wondering why God would call me to a ministry that sounds more oppressive to me most of the time. I know that I am much more than my Myers-Briggs type, but every introvert pastor I have seen has seemed exhausted and unhappy. I've never seen a healthy introverted pastor who made time for herself or himself to regain energy and serve more effectively. They are used by their congregations, ridiculed for not exhibiting the same characteristics as Joe Entertainer Preacher, and then dismissed. I absolutely do not need an accolade 24 hours a day, but what about this joyous itinerant system seems to be in line with the life-giving nature of God?
I do not want to uproot my family every 3-5 years for the sake of a church that is more concerned about running programs and filling pews than loving the marginalized. I do not want to be at the expense of bishops who are more concerned with filling slots than discerning with the Spirit. I do not want to be at the expense of an institution that focuses largely on death and ecclesial politics (i.e. arguments over who "has to" go through what, knowing that we all have different callings) and I do not want to have everything that fuels my creativity and brings me livelihood taken away because I am too busy trying to conform to what somebody deems more "picturesque" of a pastor.
I love to lead worship, but I love to listen to people who need to be heard. I love to preach, but I am blessed to talk to people who have been hurt by the church and know their struggles. I like writing liturgy, but I long to make that liturgy real and worthwhile in the lives of people who would never call themselves Christian.
What am I supposed to do? Do I stand in the middle of the UMC watching these arguments continue? Do I give up entirely and become an elder when I have a clear calling to reach people outside the church? I have no interest in catering to a congregation's every need and staying in one place while there are people who have never known the church as a place of God's love. I'm not suggesting that elders are called to cater to needs constantly, but let's just be honest here - that is what they end up doing. It's unfortunate, but it happens.
I just don't know what to do, and I wish it were that easy for me to place such authority in the United Methodist Church. But I have no faith in institutions. One of the things I keep hearing of people in my 'generation' is that we are so mistrusting of institutions and authority. I wish I could place faith in what God can do through bishops and boards of ordained ministry. I wish I could hear subtle hints of inferiority (such as the ones I heard at my DCOM certification interview) and write them off as 'continued dialogue' about the orders of ministry. The fact is that I cannot place my trust in the UMC, and I cannot pretend that these issues won't effect me.
The sacraments are not a grounds for claiming power and authority, nor is itinerant ministry, but it always seems to come back to this, and even as I try to articulate my thoughts, I jump back and forth in this tension. Maybe it is true that we treat the sacraments as though they are instruments under our control and at our discretion, but I really do believe that it is God who initiates our longings toward means of grace.
What really gets me is when people try to make these issues so clearly defined because of institutional assumptions. We can be honest about the fact that the UMC is a dysfunctional family at times, and even that we are too individualistic in our callings, but I don't understand why we have to view these orders of ministry as a competition of sorts. If I become ordained as a deacon, I am not 'less than' an elder, but I find myself having to work harder to compensate, for being a woman and seeking to be a deacon and being young in a church where youth is lacking. So I find myself trying to compensate and somehow 'prove' my way into membership, which is not something of which I'm proud.
I was given a hard time by the former secretary of my home conference for seeking an M. Div instead of a BGTS degree as a deacon candidate. If we are going to have these discussions about roles and requirements, I want to know why we call our orders 'equal' and yet have different educational requirements. Is it not the role of the deacon to know administration, organization and pastoral care? Why must being compassionate and guiding someone be limited to the local church? Isn't this very limitation the problem in the first place?
Part of me is angry because I know my friend is right in many of his assertions, but I don't know that I can ever accept that ecclesial authority that he seems to so willingly embrace. I don't know why I don't have this trust, but what I do know is that the more I read of these arguments and the more rigid such discussions become in terms of defining the orders by what *they* had to go through, the more I sigh and wonder when we will know true faith and strength in the church that comes from God, who calls us, and not our own experiences flavored with bitterness or power.
Even as I write this, I know that I have my own biases and I speak from my own experiences and understanding of what I have seen in this conversation with elders. I also admit my own biases in what I have seen in pastors I have known, and how that has effected my view of pastoral ministry. I do not suggest that all elders are the same, nor that I can make blanket statements about them. I really do not want this discussion to be about "us" vs. "them," and maybe it is that my friend did not so willingly embrace ecclesial authority. I suspect that it was a process for him, and I guess it's a process for me, too, but I'm having a difficult time because I feel like I'm fighting to use my voice in a system that tells me to shut up if it sounds different.