(no subject)
Today is a Damien Rice day.
I have come to a conclusion as to why I like reading so much. I have realized that Drama happens and everyone (or at least everyone here, it seems like) has drama in their lives. When I read, I am in control of my intake of Drama. Granted, sometimes I get really caught up in books, but if I get tired or too frustrated, I can close the book and walk away and do something else. When there is a real person in my room telling me about their life and their problems, I can't just say "I'm tired. Shut up, I'm going to bed now. I'll pick this back up in the morning."
In the same way, I do honestly feel guilty for telling people my problems. I feel like my problems anymore don't mean anything because everyone has problems and mine are on the lower end of the spectrum. I get frustrated because I get lonely, but I realize that if being lonely is one of my bigger problems, then I have a damn good life.
[All that being said, DON'T read this next part]
And, to go along with my thoughts, I am realizing more and more about myself lately. I am realizing that I am a worrier. That I am easily intimidated. That I have abandonment issues. That I have a lot wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it. And that everyone looks at me, looks at what I do, and can right through me. That they can see how scared I am of leaving here and getting out in the real world. That sometimes I don't feel any different than I did my freshman year, and that I don't even know where to being in my acting grownup. That I try to hold too tightly to my friends, even now, because I am afraid that they will leave me and that I try to losen up, but I feel like they will just leave me anyway. That I feel like I will get out in the real world and not have shit. That I won't get married or have funsies time again and I will be alone... and not just lonely, but actually alone. And I don't know what to do with my self when I'm alone, you know?
I know that I'm in a contradictory mood tonight, but that is what I have been feeling. Thank you Damien.
I have come to a conclusion as to why I like reading so much. I have realized that Drama happens and everyone (or at least everyone here, it seems like) has drama in their lives. When I read, I am in control of my intake of Drama. Granted, sometimes I get really caught up in books, but if I get tired or too frustrated, I can close the book and walk away and do something else. When there is a real person in my room telling me about their life and their problems, I can't just say "I'm tired. Shut up, I'm going to bed now. I'll pick this back up in the morning."
In the same way, I do honestly feel guilty for telling people my problems. I feel like my problems anymore don't mean anything because everyone has problems and mine are on the lower end of the spectrum. I get frustrated because I get lonely, but I realize that if being lonely is one of my bigger problems, then I have a damn good life.
[All that being said, DON'T read this next part]
And, to go along with my thoughts, I am realizing more and more about myself lately. I am realizing that I am a worrier. That I am easily intimidated. That I have abandonment issues. That I have a lot wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it. And that everyone looks at me, looks at what I do, and can right through me. That they can see how scared I am of leaving here and getting out in the real world. That sometimes I don't feel any different than I did my freshman year, and that I don't even know where to being in my acting grownup. That I try to hold too tightly to my friends, even now, because I am afraid that they will leave me and that I try to losen up, but I feel like they will just leave me anyway. That I feel like I will get out in the real world and not have shit. That I won't get married or have funsies time again and I will be alone... and not just lonely, but actually alone. And I don't know what to do with my self when I'm alone, you know?
I know that I'm in a contradictory mood tonight, but that is what I have been feeling. Thank you Damien.