Happy Death Day to Me...
my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. i'm going to be 22 (jan. 4th). yay! to all my capricorn peoples out there. i've been so stressed with having a serious lung inflammation(i've been back to the emergency room three fucking times withing 1 1/2 weeks. now i'm on antibiotics, steroids, and codeine) and trying to meet several work deadlines that i have not even begun to think about what i want to do for my birthday. people promise me they're going to do something special for me or they're going to take me out somewhere, but it never happens. noone's done anything special for my birthday since i was 5 years old when i had a surpise party in class. when i turned 21, i spent most of the day walking in the rain because it just felt peaceful and then i bought myself a book of fairytales. it would be nice for others to acknowledge my existence even though i was a mistake. but, no one ever seems to remember that kind of thing when it comes to me. that reminds me of the poem that i wrote about the father that i never had. oh, well, i'll get on to my poetry later. it makes me think: why is it so easy for me to remember things about everyone else, yet they seem to forget a lot of things about me?
not being able to breathe and feeling as if i'm about to black out most of the time only makes me think about what it would feel like to die. it's just a curiousity of mine having come near death several times...almost being burned to death, the car accidents, being sexually assaulted, running into the middle of traffic and other random things that happen to me. i've had an interest in death ever since i was little. i could even see and talk to the spirits that inhabited my apartment. when i tell these kinds of things to certain people, they think i'm just some fucked up schizophrenic person. but, they just don't understand. i get to enter a realm that a lot of people are too ignorant to see. i guess my association with death is part of my life-long want to find the life that is truly mine, my rebirth.
i doesn't even phase me that xmas is comming up next week either. while everyone is trying to kill each other to get the best present, i've been preoccupied with more important and more serious matters such as: money, housing, therapy, what i'm going to do about my insurance, a sabbatical, my driver's license, my creative projects (i don't know if i'm still going to play bass for my friend's band b/c i have other things that i want to do for myself), my photography classes, organizing my book, going back to the gym, my interships, travel plans etc... no one seems to get it. people keep telling me i should do this and that and that they believe in me and everything. but, right now there are certaing things that i just can't deal with and i need to put those on hold for a while. my family always said "no one care what the fuck you want!" that's what i grew up listening to my whole life. i was socialized not to be social and keep to the family that doesn't give a shit about what makes me happy.
i've met a lot of good people while mistressing at master steelow's parties. so far i have managed to obtain a slave, special discounts on musical instruments, connections to various writers, photographers and filmmakers, a potential sugar-daddy (he is absolutely loaded every time i see him)... and most of all, a place where i am wanted and can fit in and be me. people actually love and miss me when i'm not there. we look out for each other and talk with each other. i feel an acceptance where no one prejudges me as some abnormal person. they allowed me to blend in with the flavor. so i look foward to my wednesday nights and there i find bits of happiness in my life. and my sexy Seduction has been adding a whole lot of flavor to the night for the past couple months i've been working there. i can't wait to see the rest of those pictures we took together. everyone keeps saying how cute we look together. :) i'm even thinking about going out to avalon this saturday so we'll get to dance and maybe grab some breakfast afterwards. then, i'll get together with guy gonzalez so we can decide which way to go with my portfolio and my photography projects. ah...planning...planning...planning. he actually gave me some useful advice about a lot of things last night.
not being able to breathe and feeling as if i'm about to black out most of the time only makes me think about what it would feel like to die. it's just a curiousity of mine having come near death several times...almost being burned to death, the car accidents, being sexually assaulted, running into the middle of traffic and other random things that happen to me. i've had an interest in death ever since i was little. i could even see and talk to the spirits that inhabited my apartment. when i tell these kinds of things to certain people, they think i'm just some fucked up schizophrenic person. but, they just don't understand. i get to enter a realm that a lot of people are too ignorant to see. i guess my association with death is part of my life-long want to find the life that is truly mine, my rebirth.
i doesn't even phase me that xmas is comming up next week either. while everyone is trying to kill each other to get the best present, i've been preoccupied with more important and more serious matters such as: money, housing, therapy, what i'm going to do about my insurance, a sabbatical, my driver's license, my creative projects (i don't know if i'm still going to play bass for my friend's band b/c i have other things that i want to do for myself), my photography classes, organizing my book, going back to the gym, my interships, travel plans etc... no one seems to get it. people keep telling me i should do this and that and that they believe in me and everything. but, right now there are certaing things that i just can't deal with and i need to put those on hold for a while. my family always said "no one care what the fuck you want!" that's what i grew up listening to my whole life. i was socialized not to be social and keep to the family that doesn't give a shit about what makes me happy.
i've met a lot of good people while mistressing at master steelow's parties. so far i have managed to obtain a slave, special discounts on musical instruments, connections to various writers, photographers and filmmakers, a potential sugar-daddy (he is absolutely loaded every time i see him)... and most of all, a place where i am wanted and can fit in and be me. people actually love and miss me when i'm not there. we look out for each other and talk with each other. i feel an acceptance where no one prejudges me as some abnormal person. they allowed me to blend in with the flavor. so i look foward to my wednesday nights and there i find bits of happiness in my life. and my sexy Seduction has been adding a whole lot of flavor to the night for the past couple months i've been working there. i can't wait to see the rest of those pictures we took together. everyone keeps saying how cute we look together. :) i'm even thinking about going out to avalon this saturday so we'll get to dance and maybe grab some breakfast afterwards. then, i'll get together with guy gonzalez so we can decide which way to go with my portfolio and my photography projects. ah...planning...planning...planning. he actually gave me some useful advice about a lot of things last night.