House, MD: Momentary Lapse (4/6)
Title: Momentary Lapse
Authors: Adriana DiVolpe and LevinaIndigo
Fandom: House, M.D.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Cuddy/House/Wilson/Chase/Thirteen
Summary: See pairing. Just... see pairing.
Category: Humour/Crack
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of FOX.
Warnings: Slash, Femslash, and Emo!Cameron. Also probably a couple bad words, and implied sexual situations. And also crack, lots of it.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
A few hours later, back in Cuddy’s office, Foreman held up a results sheet in incredulity.
Cuddy stared at the page. “You’re sure?”
Foreman nodded. “I ran the test three times.”
Cuddy’s lips worked silently. “But how?” she croaked.
He held his hands up. “Hey, don’t look at me. I’m not the one who slept with half-”
“Yeah, yeah,” she interrupted irritably. Her eyes drifted back to the paper in her hands. She shook her head slightly.
“Thank you,” she said sincerely, taking the results sheet and leaving Foreman standing in her office.
In the space of a few minutes, she had gathered the relevant people in House’s office, and sent Cameron off on some errand.
“Is that it?” House asked, pointing at the paper she held. “The answer to all our questions about the little Spawn of Satan?”
“Yes,” she replied, holding the sheet out of his reach as House lunged for it. “Ah, not so fast.” She loved having power over him. “This is driving you crazy, isn’t it?”
“Of course not. I just want to know if Wilson’s going to have to pay you as well as his many ex-wives.”
“Ha, ha,” Wilson deadpanned.
Cuddy consulted the list. “Well, it’s not Wilson.”
Wilson breathed a sigh of relief, loosening his tie.
“Thanks,” she sniped at him sarcastically.
“Sorry,” he looked embarrassed. “I just…”
She waved a dismissive hand and he fell silent.
House and Chase leaned forward.
“And it’s not House.”
Chase’s eyes went wide. “Oh, my God.” He looked around, mouth gasping slightly like a waterless fish.
“Oh, but I’m not done yet,” Cuddy said mysteriously.
The room’s occupants looked at each other in bewilderment.
“But there’s no one left. You’ve excluded everyone else,” Wilson spoke in confusion.
“Not everyone,” she said, her eyes landing on Thirteen.
The colour drained from Thirteen’s face. “What?”
“Hmm,” House interjected thoughtfully, “Is there something you’re not telling us, Thirteen?”
“No!” she gasped. She rubbed her forehead. “I don’t understand! I only gave you the DNA sample because I thought it would be funny. There must be some mistake!”
Cuddy shook her head. “Foreman ran the test three times.”
Thirteen looked from Cuddy to House, back and forth, utterly lost. “But I…”
House shrugged. “Don’t look at me. This sort of thing only happens in poorly-written fanfiction.”
“You read fanfiction?” Wilson raised an eyebrow.
“Just the naughty parts.”
Wilson rolled his eyes.
The young doctor put her head in her hands.
Cuddy rubbed her shoulder. “It’s okay.”
“I just…”
House, Wilson and Chase looked on in amusement.
“Could you give us a minute?” Cuddy asked, raising her eyebrows at them.
“Ohh yeah,” House smirked, limping out into the hallway, followed by the other two. Cuddy scowled at him as he passed. She pushed the door closed.
“So… This is kind of a shock, huh?” Cuddy began with a nervous laugh.
Thirteen raised her eyebrows. “That’s a bit of an understatement.”
Cuddy turned to look behind her. Chase, Wilson and House were all standing with their faces pressed up to the glass wall of House’s office. “Do you mind?” she spat, yanking the blind chain.
The blinds spun shut. Three disappointed groans could be heard from the other side.
Thirteen sighed. “I guess asking how something like this could even happen would be a good start.”
Cuddy shook her head. “Don’t bother. Things like this never make sense. They’re devised by sick people with no lives who sit around in their parents’ basements, writing terrible fanfiction.”
Thirteen nodded absently.
“I bet she reads Xena fanfiction,” House supposed, his ear pressed against the glass. “She seems into that.”
“When did she ever seem into that?” Chase questioned.
“Am I the only one who doesn’t read smut about fictional characters on the Internet?” Wilson demanded of House.
“You’re the only one who gets any on a regular basis,” Chase explained. “You don’t need Internet smut.”
House looked around at him. “Don’t be cruel. Every normal person needs Internet smut about two hot Amazonian women getting it on.”
“I didn’t think Gabrielle was an Amazon,” Wilson said, trying to remember.
House scoffed. “Wilson, her heritage is not the issue here.” He turned his attention back to the voices inside the office.
“Are you okay?” Cuddy asked quietly, putting her hand on Thirteen’s shoulder.
“I… Yeah, it’s just, you know… kind of a shock.” She smiled sardonically.
“Come sit down,” Cuddy suggested, urging her toward the couch.
Both women sat down on the cushions.
“So… What now?” Thirteen asked, looking at Cuddy.
“What do you mean?”
“Well… I mean… What do I… Should I…” she stammered.
Cuddy smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry.” She placed her hand on the young woman’s knee, trying to relax her. “There’s no responsibility involved on your part whatsoever.”
Thirteen looked away. After a moment she laid her hand over Cuddy’s.
When she turned her gaze back, she said, “Can I…” Her eyes drifted to Cuddy’s lap. “Can I… feel it?”
Cuddy lifted her hand, placing it on her stomach.
Thirteen’s eyes glistened. “Wow,” she breathed softly, awestruck.
Cuddy smiled. She could feel tears forming in her own eyes as well.
Thirteen looked up into Cuddy’s eyes.
“Thirteen…” Cuddy said softly.
Thirteen shook her head slightly. “Re-”
Cuddy pressed a finger against her lips. “Shh, Thirteen. You don’t have to speak.”
Thirteen leaned forward very slowly, until she was close enough to place a soft kiss on Cuddy’s lips.
Her eyelids fluttering open, she looked into Cuddy’s eyes, trying to gauge her reaction. “I… I’m sorry.”
Chase slid out into the hallway from the diagnostics office. “Hey guys! I found an opening!”
“Yeah, that’s what your mom said,” House snickered.
Wilson looked at him. “Chase’s mom is dead.”
“You just ruined my joke!” House pouted.
“It was hardly a joke, House, you just-”
“Guys! Opening in the curtain, lesbians on the other side…” Chase trailed off, looking between Wilson and House and allowing the information to sink in.
She studied Thirteen’s face, her mind not really thinking. Her eyes were honest and concerned, and there was something deeper there that Cuddy couldn’t put a name to.
Cuddy grasped Thirteen’s chin gently, pulling her mouth to meet her own. She savoured the softness of her lips, vaguely aware of Thirteen’s fingers against the side of her neck and in her hair. Deepening the kiss, she leaned into the younger woman, her thumb stroking the side of Thirteen’s face.
Chase, House and Wilson were gathered around the small crack they had found in the blind’s defenses.
“This is the second best day of my life,” House announced.
“I’m going to rate this as the first, considering I don’t remember the other time,” Wilson commented.
“Ditto,” Chase agreed.
“What about that other, other time?” House asked suggestively, placing a hand on Wilson’s hip.
“House!” Wilson protested, gesturing that Chase was right there.
“Why do you have to have these stupid blinds on your office?” Chase whined, oblivious.
“I always figured if there were ever going to be lesbians in my office, I’d be in there with them, and I wouldn’t have be out here trying to see through the blinds. I wouldn’t want to share with you guys, would I?”
Wilson looked at him. “You do realize that if a woman’s a lesbian, she’s not going to want anything to do with you, right?”
“I want them to make out with each other, Wilson. I’d hire straight girls if I wanted them to make out with me.”
Wilson rolled his eyes. “If you hired them I assume you’d eventually want the attention.”
“That’s why I’d be paying them. I shouldn’t have to pay lesbians to act like lesbians, that’d be like paying you to talk.” House pressed his ear back against the glass to see if he could hear any sexy conversations or goings-on.
Slowly, the pair pulled apart. Thirteen tried to think of something to say, but didn’t have much luck.
“Cuddy…”
“It’s Lisa,” she said, smiling.
Thirteen’s own lips spread into a smile. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” she said with a small laugh.
“Really?” Cuddy was surprised.
“I can’t hear anything here,” complained House,” I’m going back to the door.”
“Me too,” Chase agreed, “I think they’re done making out.”
Wilson stayed a moment longer before giving up and joining the other two at the door.
“Yes,” Thirteen admitted. “Ever since that night… Well, you know,” she laughed.
“Yeah,” she replied with a smile, Thirteen’s laughter catching. “I don’t actually remember as much of that night as I’d like to,” Cuddy confessed.
“No?” She sounded slightly disappointed.
“I’m sorry,” Cuddy apologized, shaking her head. “I woke up with a really bad hangover.”
Thirteen stroked Cuddy’s cheek. “It’s okay.”
Cuddy enjoyed the feel of her fingertips for a moment. “How much do you remember?”
“All of it.”
Cuddy blinked. “All of it?”
Thirteen looked a little surprised. “Yes. Why?”
House’s eyebrows shot up. “Hmm…”
“What? What is it?” demanded Wilson.
“You have to share if it’s hot,” Chase begged, elbowing for a spot at the small peephole in the door.
Cuddy shook her head in disbelief. “All this time, you remembered everything that happened, and you never said anything?”
“You never asked,” Thirteen replied, taken a little aback.
“Yes I…” Cuddy trailed off. Thinking back now, Thirteen had been out of the room when she’d asked what everyone remembered. She laughed suddenly.
Thirteen looked confused.
Cuddy shook her head, still laughing. “I did ask, but you weren’t there.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of hard to answer a question you weren’t there to hear.”
Cuddy nodded thoughtfully. “You must not have had as much to drink as the rest of us. No one remembers much.”
Thirteen blinked. “I didn’t have anything.”
Cuddy stared. “You were sober?”
Thirteen nodded. “Yep.”
“Dead sober?”
“Uh-huh.”
Cuddy stood up suddenly.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Hmm? Oh.” Cuddy shook her head. “No.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Thirteen asked.
Cuddy paced a few steps. “Nothing.”
Thirteen snorted. “There must be something wrong.”
Cuddy stopped pacing. “Oh. No, it’s just… a little… embarrassing… I don’t know.”
Thirteen blinked. “What is?”
“I don’t know. I guess knowing that you remember everything. Makes me feel a little… exposed.” She paused. “You must think I’m a slut.”
Thirteen smiled. “No more than the rest of us. Or Wilson…”
Cuddy snorted.
“Don’t worry,” Thirteen said calmingly, standing to grasp her arm. “It’s okay, Lisa.”
Cuddy looked into the young doctor’s face. Her eyes offered reassurance.
Wrapping her arms around the older woman, Thirteen stroked Cuddy’s dark hair.
Cuddy buried her nose against Thirteen’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she said, her eyes welling with hot tears. “I’m not usually like this.” She laughed self-consciously. “Must be the hormones.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Thirteen whispered into her ear.
Cuddy wiped her eyes on the back of Thirteen’s lab coat. “We should probably get back out there before House decides to barge in and see what we’re doing.”
“Yeah,” Thirteen agreed, pulling back. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” Cuddy tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.
Moving to the door, Cuddy pulled it open only to have House fall almost on top of her.
“I was just making sure no one needed medical assistance,” he said to her glare.
“Yeah. I bet.”
Wilson and Chase looked away, whistling.
“So what are you going to name it?” House asked. “No, wait; let me guess.” He pretended to think. “Casanova Mick Sherlock Rocky Cuddy.”
Cuddy stared at him. “I pray to God you never have children.”
Wilson snickered. House looked at him. “Don’t laugh, honey. When we have kids, that’s the name we’re going to pick.”
That just made Wilson laugh harder.
“Well,” House announced, “I guess that’s the end of that little adventure. So if you’ll all excuse me, there’s a whole Internet full of porn that’s going unwatched as we stand around here chatting.” He limped back into his office.
“I should go too,” Wilson excused himself, “patients.”
Chase just stood there, looking at Thirteen and Cuddy. They stared at him a moment until he got the hint.
“Oh…” he said, backing away. “Me too. Patients.”
House watched the two women talking through the glass wall of his office. Leaning back and putting his legs up on his desk, he smirked to himself.
He’d switched the labels on two of the DNA samples. Oh, he loved being tricky.
the end
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