the good and the bad
i really dont like making posts like this, but im really stressed the fuck out right now. not only do i have the whole set of things that come with being rejected from the person that i loved and wanted to be with, but im spending crazy money on gas until this whole living and school situation gets more definate and a move is made. i went yesterday to UofH downtown and turned in my application and paid the app fee. my transcripts for some reason hadn't arrived yet so they couldn't tell me much about whether or not i would need to stay at a junior college or could go to a university. IF i end up having to stay at a junior college, THEN im more than likely going to move back to austin. the other option would be to go to HCC and then move somewhere in houston. IF i end up going to UofH, i want to go downtown, i do, but ive been forewarned about traffic and the masses that flood that place. thats kinda what attracts me, traffic doesn't, but i would be totally content with riding a bike every day and taking the bus, saving on gas to go to where i want and be happy with it rather than going somewhere really far like UofH clearlake away from living in houston and not liking the idea of it from the start and only doing it to avoid traffic. i like the masses. i like getting lost and going unnoticed in a sea of people. i dig that. if i can overcome the traffic obstacle by not using gas and putting miles on my car and riding metro, the tram, and taking my bike and getting exercise every day i do this, im all for that too. the only thing is, and this would take talking to a counselor more, UHdowntown only offered a computer science line of courses. they didnt offer much in CAD classes. i need to do more of my own research on this and figure out what i can do with that and if i would want to. im not even very sure what computer science is used for other than programming. i like the idea of the medical field, but i dont really think that is for me. i love biology and anatomy, and i find the human body a working mystery but i dont think its right for me. i want something more impersonal, i think id get too attached to patients and that would effect me badly at times and i know how i am and would probably want to avoid that. i like helping people though, but i think overall it would be not so great for me. something more impersonal and sterile would be preferred.
*****
i have to vent somewhere. im finding it hard to just set aside all these thoughts and feelings still circulating on this ending relationship. there has only been one other girl that had this much effect on me and she was very bad for me. maybe this girl is and just isnt putting it all out there thinking it would break me in some way and underestimating or just wants to appear to be something when she is not. how do you quit your job at nasa when you are so sick and you have a kid and you know you will not have any insurance? the last time she was ill with the miscarriage, her boss offered her a leave of abscence, where did that go? i think she found a job somewhere else. i know that she is a very smart girl and would time things right. she went to austin a while back for a few days and a couple of weeks after that, she quits her job saying they wouldn't give her any more time off when her boss a few weeks earlier was offering her a leave of abscence - ? just doesnt add up to me. plus being as smart as she is, she wouldve waited until her son finished out the school year which he has now and she quit her job about 2 weeks ago. my idea is that she either found another job or someone else to take care of her and made moves without letting me really know fully whats going on. i guess its none of my business really, but i guess that all comes with wanting to maybe keep an appearance of one thing, but all your actions are showing or hinting at another. whatever the case is, it is for the best that things are like this. ive never set aside my person needs and wants so much for someone in my life. i really did become a different person in so many ways and i was ok with that sacrifice at first cuz i was sure at one time things were what i thought they were, but that time went away and then you just realize that you might be sacrificing all this and for what - ? especially when someone doesn't even take the time to notice those sacrifices, overlooks efforts that have been made, and seems to only really be able to hold onto the past when it comes to moving forward. i was willing to deal with that, but i think patience ran out on both ends, hers and mine. sucks but i guess thats life sometimes. things dont always work out the way you planned and the way you tried to make them work out. i am only one person and can and will only do and go through so much to where it becomes very unhealthy for me to go any furher. i think i was so convinced with myself and how i felt that i just knew it would all be worth it and to just keep going and keep sacrificing and maybe, tomorrow, or the next day, this person will see what im doing and recognize it for what it says and what its worth - but that didnt happen. i think a good quality in a person is recognizing potential and being able to notice when someone is being really sincere and really making an effort from their heart. i dont think she had that quality. if she did have that as a trait, then she chose to overlook it and either way is not good after a while for me personally. i can only shake someone so long trying to make them realize im for real before they either will or wont realize it. it sucks and really does sting so bad when you really love someone and eventually you feel like you trying to convince someone that you are worth being with when you know that you are and they should just have that innate desire and drive to want to work things out, and that wasn't there anymore. very weird feeling. it hits the in the stomach and leaves you out of breathe, shocked, hunched over and defenseless, and feeling like a total idiot for being willing to go through so much and it come to no avail. i think she did me the biggest favor hopefully by doing all this in the way she has done it. it doesn't feel like it now, but i hope one day i can say that and know without a doubt that its true. i know time heals alot of things and i guess im going to just have to believe that and give this time. in the meantime, not cool is a mega understatement. if i dont post or talk about much, its cuz all of my thoughts are mostly consumed by this and i dont want to be that guy that can't shutup about his stupid xgf and how is so hurt and all that. that dude is not something i want to be. ill get over this, hopefully sooner than later. i know i have alot of things coming my way and all are good. i just think i just need to let this frustration and anger out in a constructive way. im joining a gym here in a day or so and am going to stop smoking and start running again. im not going to let this take me down and out. it has showed me that its not worth it and told me that its not worth it and that it is done, i should let that speak to me louder than anything and get back to tending to the things that are healthy for me. stress is a motherfucker. im going to go running outside and try to just relax and know that im doing something good for me. i hope i dont die though, its getting hot and ive been smoking so damn much here lately ive noticed small pains here and there and i get short of breath really easily. that will go away soon. ill make sure of it.
******
i can't wait until i find out where im going as far as school. that will determine alot for me, where i live and possibly where i work if i need to find a new job. it should be this week i hope. im excited and just need to be patient. not all things move at the speed i want to move, i need to keep this in mind and not get so upset and flustered. lets go running
*****
i have to vent somewhere. im finding it hard to just set aside all these thoughts and feelings still circulating on this ending relationship. there has only been one other girl that had this much effect on me and she was very bad for me. maybe this girl is and just isnt putting it all out there thinking it would break me in some way and underestimating or just wants to appear to be something when she is not. how do you quit your job at nasa when you are so sick and you have a kid and you know you will not have any insurance? the last time she was ill with the miscarriage, her boss offered her a leave of abscence, where did that go? i think she found a job somewhere else. i know that she is a very smart girl and would time things right. she went to austin a while back for a few days and a couple of weeks after that, she quits her job saying they wouldn't give her any more time off when her boss a few weeks earlier was offering her a leave of abscence - ? just doesnt add up to me. plus being as smart as she is, she wouldve waited until her son finished out the school year which he has now and she quit her job about 2 weeks ago. my idea is that she either found another job or someone else to take care of her and made moves without letting me really know fully whats going on. i guess its none of my business really, but i guess that all comes with wanting to maybe keep an appearance of one thing, but all your actions are showing or hinting at another. whatever the case is, it is for the best that things are like this. ive never set aside my person needs and wants so much for someone in my life. i really did become a different person in so many ways and i was ok with that sacrifice at first cuz i was sure at one time things were what i thought they were, but that time went away and then you just realize that you might be sacrificing all this and for what - ? especially when someone doesn't even take the time to notice those sacrifices, overlooks efforts that have been made, and seems to only really be able to hold onto the past when it comes to moving forward. i was willing to deal with that, but i think patience ran out on both ends, hers and mine. sucks but i guess thats life sometimes. things dont always work out the way you planned and the way you tried to make them work out. i am only one person and can and will only do and go through so much to where it becomes very unhealthy for me to go any furher. i think i was so convinced with myself and how i felt that i just knew it would all be worth it and to just keep going and keep sacrificing and maybe, tomorrow, or the next day, this person will see what im doing and recognize it for what it says and what its worth - but that didnt happen. i think a good quality in a person is recognizing potential and being able to notice when someone is being really sincere and really making an effort from their heart. i dont think she had that quality. if she did have that as a trait, then she chose to overlook it and either way is not good after a while for me personally. i can only shake someone so long trying to make them realize im for real before they either will or wont realize it. it sucks and really does sting so bad when you really love someone and eventually you feel like you trying to convince someone that you are worth being with when you know that you are and they should just have that innate desire and drive to want to work things out, and that wasn't there anymore. very weird feeling. it hits the in the stomach and leaves you out of breathe, shocked, hunched over and defenseless, and feeling like a total idiot for being willing to go through so much and it come to no avail. i think she did me the biggest favor hopefully by doing all this in the way she has done it. it doesn't feel like it now, but i hope one day i can say that and know without a doubt that its true. i know time heals alot of things and i guess im going to just have to believe that and give this time. in the meantime, not cool is a mega understatement. if i dont post or talk about much, its cuz all of my thoughts are mostly consumed by this and i dont want to be that guy that can't shutup about his stupid xgf and how is so hurt and all that. that dude is not something i want to be. ill get over this, hopefully sooner than later. i know i have alot of things coming my way and all are good. i just think i just need to let this frustration and anger out in a constructive way. im joining a gym here in a day or so and am going to stop smoking and start running again. im not going to let this take me down and out. it has showed me that its not worth it and told me that its not worth it and that it is done, i should let that speak to me louder than anything and get back to tending to the things that are healthy for me. stress is a motherfucker. im going to go running outside and try to just relax and know that im doing something good for me. i hope i dont die though, its getting hot and ive been smoking so damn much here lately ive noticed small pains here and there and i get short of breath really easily. that will go away soon. ill make sure of it.
******
i can't wait until i find out where im going as far as school. that will determine alot for me, where i live and possibly where i work if i need to find a new job. it should be this week i hope. im excited and just need to be patient. not all things move at the speed i want to move, i need to keep this in mind and not get so upset and flustered. lets go running