where i am and where i'm going
last night i took ecstasy for the first time. The primary effects of MDMA include feelings of openness, euphoria, empathy, love, and heightened self-awareness.
i will cut this because it is long, but it is worth reading.
last night i not only had heightened self-awareness, i feel like i had the height of self-awareness. As well as an unparalleled awareness of the world around me. I felt as though I could answer any question - about myself or about the world -, and I really think I could. I could think about myself and the world around me without fear. And I was able to step back and see that I was thinking about things without the usual boundaries that are in place in my mind.
I could read people. I could read people like when I'm on shrooms, only my thoughts were less repetetive and I was able to delve deeper into them than I ever thought possible - than was ever possible before. I was able to rapidly make connections. The people that go to Rubalad are beautiful people. They're people with an eye for what is different, and an openness to that difference. And in that difference we all find, in some way, a sort of sameness. But like I said: I could read people. I met a lot of wonderful people last night. A lot of wonderful people, and one bad person.
What struck me the most was that I couldn't read him. There were people whose faces were open - the majority of people. I had wandered off to the little tent room that's out back when a guy asked me if I had two tens for a twenty. Eventually it came to pass that the reason the guy needed change was because he was selling the other guy right next to me a $10 dollar bag of weed and didn't have any change. I pushed myself into their conversation because I was drawn to them. I knew, somehow, that I should be there with them. Eventually, to shorten the story, the dealer tried to pull a scam on the guy he was selling to, saying that he never gave him any money. The other guy was pissed because he knew he had. And I knew he was telling the whole truth. I wasn't sure about the dealer so I just didn't say anything. The other guy eventually said he was sorry, that he was a forgiving guy and that there was no need for there to be an altercation (things were getting heated for a bit). He said he was on LSD and that it was okay and that we should all...get along. The three of us had a group hug and introduced ourselves to eachother. twenty minutes later i saw the same dealer pulling the same scam on someone else and i was disappointed.
but i thought to myself that waiting for others is hard. sometimes their minds aren't open. and for them, we should have hope.
i thought about alexandre dumas a lot last night, the author of one of my favorite books, the count of monte cristo. in it he says that all of human wisdom may be contained in these two words: "wait," and "hope." i thought about the words and their meanings. their places in our world, in our lives. and while i was tuned into this higher plane of consciousness, I came to find that, as much as i respect and love alexandre dumas and his work and his philosophies, I have to disagree.
We have to hope and not wait. We have to make our hopes a reality that we can look back on someday and say..."I'm glad I didn't wait!"
I thought about loneliness and love a lot last night. I started chatting with this very nice man, about random things, about E, and as I was talking to him - he was wearing a batman costume, and I was wearing a cape, a tight black sleeveless shirt from cyberdog, my playboy bunny boxers, and my combat boots - i realized more and more that he is, like everyone, in possession of everything perfect. it exists inside him. he asked me casually, in a non-offensive way but one which i think was also intended to let me know he's not gay, to find him a girl to dance with (actually, he used the word "vixen"). i knew that i could find him someone, and before i walked away to go do so, i asked him to take off his mask so i could examine his face. and just from doing so i knew who i was looking for. i took my time, let my eyes search peoples faces and their movements, and i found her on the other side of the room after a while. i went up to her - self-consciousness was completely a non-issue - and chatted with her to see if she was really the one.
from only a moment of chatting, i could tell that she was lonely. that she'd been hurt. I asked her if she was single (prefacing it with a short schpeel about how i wasn't hitting on her) and she said "always."
she told me she could tell i was a good, a wonderful person. and she asked me why. I replied that I think more people need to be good to eachother. and she told me that that's not true. she said that the more that you are good to people, the more that they walk on you and hurt you. i told her it doesn't have to be that way, i told her there was a great man on the other side of the room in a batman costume that wanted to dance, and that i searched the whole place and my eyes kept coming back to her. she wore a classy masquerade mask that covered only one eye and had a flourish of feathers. a little black dress, velvet or chenile, short curly black hair in a way that seemed greek goddess-like, but a sort of italian passion. and a european accent which i couldn't place for the life of me and never thought to ask about.
she was reluctant to go but i knew eventually she would. and after i had walked away from her i saw her making her way, with head piqued as though she were looking for someone, in the direction i had pointed her.
i don't know if they ever found eachother but i hope that she grew from that.
there is so much more to write about. i want to save some of it.
i want to be a writer. this is frightening because i have always said that i want to be a doctor. and i still do. but i also want to write. i want to write non-fiction that helps me, and the people who read it, find happiness.
i will cut this because it is long, but it is worth reading.
last night i not only had heightened self-awareness, i feel like i had the height of self-awareness. As well as an unparalleled awareness of the world around me. I felt as though I could answer any question - about myself or about the world -, and I really think I could. I could think about myself and the world around me without fear. And I was able to step back and see that I was thinking about things without the usual boundaries that are in place in my mind.
I could read people. I could read people like when I'm on shrooms, only my thoughts were less repetetive and I was able to delve deeper into them than I ever thought possible - than was ever possible before. I was able to rapidly make connections. The people that go to Rubalad are beautiful people. They're people with an eye for what is different, and an openness to that difference. And in that difference we all find, in some way, a sort of sameness. But like I said: I could read people. I met a lot of wonderful people last night. A lot of wonderful people, and one bad person.
What struck me the most was that I couldn't read him. There were people whose faces were open - the majority of people. I had wandered off to the little tent room that's out back when a guy asked me if I had two tens for a twenty. Eventually it came to pass that the reason the guy needed change was because he was selling the other guy right next to me a $10 dollar bag of weed and didn't have any change. I pushed myself into their conversation because I was drawn to them. I knew, somehow, that I should be there with them. Eventually, to shorten the story, the dealer tried to pull a scam on the guy he was selling to, saying that he never gave him any money. The other guy was pissed because he knew he had. And I knew he was telling the whole truth. I wasn't sure about the dealer so I just didn't say anything. The other guy eventually said he was sorry, that he was a forgiving guy and that there was no need for there to be an altercation (things were getting heated for a bit). He said he was on LSD and that it was okay and that we should all...get along. The three of us had a group hug and introduced ourselves to eachother. twenty minutes later i saw the same dealer pulling the same scam on someone else and i was disappointed.
but i thought to myself that waiting for others is hard. sometimes their minds aren't open. and for them, we should have hope.
i thought about alexandre dumas a lot last night, the author of one of my favorite books, the count of monte cristo. in it he says that all of human wisdom may be contained in these two words: "wait," and "hope." i thought about the words and their meanings. their places in our world, in our lives. and while i was tuned into this higher plane of consciousness, I came to find that, as much as i respect and love alexandre dumas and his work and his philosophies, I have to disagree.
We have to hope and not wait. We have to make our hopes a reality that we can look back on someday and say..."I'm glad I didn't wait!"
I thought about loneliness and love a lot last night. I started chatting with this very nice man, about random things, about E, and as I was talking to him - he was wearing a batman costume, and I was wearing a cape, a tight black sleeveless shirt from cyberdog, my playboy bunny boxers, and my combat boots - i realized more and more that he is, like everyone, in possession of everything perfect. it exists inside him. he asked me casually, in a non-offensive way but one which i think was also intended to let me know he's not gay, to find him a girl to dance with (actually, he used the word "vixen"). i knew that i could find him someone, and before i walked away to go do so, i asked him to take off his mask so i could examine his face. and just from doing so i knew who i was looking for. i took my time, let my eyes search peoples faces and their movements, and i found her on the other side of the room after a while. i went up to her - self-consciousness was completely a non-issue - and chatted with her to see if she was really the one.
from only a moment of chatting, i could tell that she was lonely. that she'd been hurt. I asked her if she was single (prefacing it with a short schpeel about how i wasn't hitting on her) and she said "always."
she told me she could tell i was a good, a wonderful person. and she asked me why. I replied that I think more people need to be good to eachother. and she told me that that's not true. she said that the more that you are good to people, the more that they walk on you and hurt you. i told her it doesn't have to be that way, i told her there was a great man on the other side of the room in a batman costume that wanted to dance, and that i searched the whole place and my eyes kept coming back to her. she wore a classy masquerade mask that covered only one eye and had a flourish of feathers. a little black dress, velvet or chenile, short curly black hair in a way that seemed greek goddess-like, but a sort of italian passion. and a european accent which i couldn't place for the life of me and never thought to ask about.
she was reluctant to go but i knew eventually she would. and after i had walked away from her i saw her making her way, with head piqued as though she were looking for someone, in the direction i had pointed her.
i don't know if they ever found eachother but i hope that she grew from that.
there is so much more to write about. i want to save some of it.
i want to be a writer. this is frightening because i have always said that i want to be a doctor. and i still do. but i also want to write. i want to write non-fiction that helps me, and the people who read it, find happiness.