Learning to Keep Your Mouth Shut - LJ Idol, Season 10, Week 8
Monday is the 11th anniversary of one of the best, and sometimes scarriest, days of my life. It's the day I first became a Mom and the day I started learning things I never thought I'd need to. Like the fact that my heart can hold more love than I ever thought possible. Or that sometimes you say things you never expected like "Please take the turtle out of your mouth" or "No, I don't think Makuhita left all the toys all over the living room floor." Or that sometimes you feel like you are a maid more than a member of the family. Or that things have really changed a lot from when you were in school. Or that having two kids isn't quite double the work of one, but it's not just the same as having one either. But the most difficult things that I've had to learn is when to keep my mouth shut and let my kids make their own mistakes.
As a parent, there is a large part of me that wants to make life easier for my kids than they were for me. I don't want them to have to be teased because of things beyond their control, or have them feel less about themselves because of the cruelness of kids their age. I don't want them to feel like they can't talk to me about things going on in their world. I don't want them to make the mistakes I made by saying things I have yet to live down, or doing things that still bring embarassment when I think about them, or burning bridges that cost relationships I wish I still had. I want them to have a good life, a happy life, a life without worry and pain and want. But I also know that letting them live a life without mistakes, a life without taking responsibility for their own actions, is going to do them no good whatsoever. So even when I want to correct them and protect them, I'm learning to shut up and let them make their own misakes. Instead, I'm trying to only put in my two cents when they ask for it.
I'm learning that it's best to stay silent when my eldest decides not to participate in his school's book challenge, even when I think it's something he may look back on missing with regret.
I'm learning that my lips should stay sealed after three reminders to my youngest that his homework needs to be done, because anything more will not teach him to take responsibility for his own actions but will instead teach him only that Mom's a nag.
I'm learning that keeping my comments to myself about my eldest's friends that are, in my mind, not a good influence, because he's got to learn to trust his own judgement.
I'm learning that even if I'm upset about something my son has done - spending all his time playing video games instead of doing his homework, or his refusing to do his chores when he's supposed to - it is not the time to let my anger fly in his direction, making him feel as bad as I do because of his thoughtlessness.
I am learning that I can still be a good mother without having to have my say on every part of either of my boys' lives. I am learning that it's more important for me to be there when they need me, to let them learn from their own mistakes, and to let them know that, even with those mistakes, I still love them and am there for them, than to be there to fix everything that goes wrong. And for all that I'm far from perfect in realizing which moment is which, I am learning when it is best to have no comment and just let them be who they are.
As a parent, there is a large part of me that wants to make life easier for my kids than they were for me. I don't want them to have to be teased because of things beyond their control, or have them feel less about themselves because of the cruelness of kids their age. I don't want them to feel like they can't talk to me about things going on in their world. I don't want them to make the mistakes I made by saying things I have yet to live down, or doing things that still bring embarassment when I think about them, or burning bridges that cost relationships I wish I still had. I want them to have a good life, a happy life, a life without worry and pain and want. But I also know that letting them live a life without mistakes, a life without taking responsibility for their own actions, is going to do them no good whatsoever. So even when I want to correct them and protect them, I'm learning to shut up and let them make their own misakes. Instead, I'm trying to only put in my two cents when they ask for it.
I'm learning that it's best to stay silent when my eldest decides not to participate in his school's book challenge, even when I think it's something he may look back on missing with regret.
I'm learning that my lips should stay sealed after three reminders to my youngest that his homework needs to be done, because anything more will not teach him to take responsibility for his own actions but will instead teach him only that Mom's a nag.
I'm learning that keeping my comments to myself about my eldest's friends that are, in my mind, not a good influence, because he's got to learn to trust his own judgement.
I'm learning that even if I'm upset about something my son has done - spending all his time playing video games instead of doing his homework, or his refusing to do his chores when he's supposed to - it is not the time to let my anger fly in his direction, making him feel as bad as I do because of his thoughtlessness.
I am learning that I can still be a good mother without having to have my say on every part of either of my boys' lives. I am learning that it's more important for me to be there when they need me, to let them learn from their own mistakes, and to let them know that, even with those mistakes, I still love them and am there for them, than to be there to fix everything that goes wrong. And for all that I'm far from perfect in realizing which moment is which, I am learning when it is best to have no comment and just let them be who they are.