*Big hugs* I can identify with a lot of that stuff. I also have highly critical parents who pretty much only love(d) me conditionally, and, well... I went to a music school, and my parents would almost never show up whenever I had concerts or anything. My relationship with my dad has always been fucked up anyway, so him not showing up wasn't a surprise, but my mom... One time, her excuse was literally "I have to stay home and dye my hair." LOL. *Deep breath* And for a long, long time, I didn't even realize how sad I was about it, until this one incident about a year ago when something really tiny set me off in the biggest way and I ended up crying over the way some of my childhood had been.
It's never being allowed to fail as a child. To my parents, every failure was the equivalent of the world coming to an end. My mom once called me stupid for getting a 'B' on a test, because apparently, a 'B' isn't good enough.
And it's hard to break away from that. You try to live for yourself, and tell yourself that your parents' values aren't your own, and that it doesn't matter what it think... But you still learn to think in a certain way, and it's hard to break away. Deep inside, I feel like a big failure. :(
LOL, I'm sorry, I totally meant to cheer you up. Okay, you know what, though? It has gotten better, for me. I talked to my University counselor about these issues, and she helped me realize that it really isn't my fault, and that failure is okay. I can't go through life worrying about always being perfect, because no one is. Also, life is full of choices. I chose NOT to pursue a musical career, but it was a conscious choice -- it wasn't a failure.
And, in the end, I usually try to think that we only get one life. *Shrug* It puts things in perspective for me -- at least I'm not here forever -- and also gives me courage to something just go with the flow and see where things lead.
Thank you for the well thought out reply, I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you but I needed some time to sit down and think about it and make myself more rational.
I think your right, about us only having one life and having to try to live it to the fullest. I always try to tell myself that but I'm cripplingly shy so it makes things difficult often but I've been working on getting over that.
Regardless, you getting one B is damn impressive to me I was never the best student (I didn't do homework was my actual problem, the rest I was fine on) so that kind of determination is always impressive.
It's never being allowed to fail as a child. To my parents, every failure was the equivalent of the world coming to an end. My mom once called me stupid for getting a 'B' on a test, because apparently, a 'B' isn't good enough.
And it's hard to break away from that. You try to live for yourself, and tell yourself that your parents' values aren't your own, and that it doesn't matter what it think... But you still learn to think in a certain way, and it's hard to break away. Deep inside, I feel like a big failure. :(
LOL, I'm sorry, I totally meant to cheer you up. Okay, you know what, though? It has gotten better, for me. I talked to my University counselor about these issues, and she helped me realize that it really isn't my fault, and that failure is okay. I can't go through life worrying about always being perfect, because no one is. Also, life is full of choices. I chose NOT to pursue a musical career, but it was a conscious choice -- it wasn't a failure.
And, in the end, I usually try to think that we only get one life. *Shrug* It puts things in perspective for me -- at least I'm not here forever -- and also gives me courage to something just go with the flow and see where things lead.
In the end, I'm sure we'll both be okay. :)
*More hugs*
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I think your right, about us only having one life and having to try to live it to the fullest. I always try to tell myself that but I'm cripplingly shy so it makes things difficult often but I've been working on getting over that.
Regardless, you getting one B is damn impressive to me I was never the best student (I didn't do homework was my actual problem, the rest I was fine on) so that kind of determination is always impressive.
Thank you for your kind words. ♥
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