(no subject)
I HATE being in a long distance relationship. I hate it. I hate it and I hate it and there are no other words except for hate and hatred. The things I like about being in a relationship are the physical aspects and having someone to talk to that cares about what you're saying and what you're doing and how you are getting along with your life.
This whole stupid distance thing ruins everything. Morgan is twenty-something miles out to sea and never has time for me. Not during the day and not during the night. During the day he is always busy with hockey to play or work to do with his dad or places to go, people to see. At night, he watches movies with his family and makes food and showers, leaving very little time for conversations with me. Why is it so hard for him to make room for me in his Nantucket life? Why doesn't he feel guilty about completely disappearing from my sphere of contact? What is so fucking terrible about talking to me? Most importantly, why am I so needy?
It really hurts me that he doesn't take my calls when I am able to make them, and it hurts that he is incapable of making solid plans, and it hurts that he is NEVER on time calling me back or being where he said he would be. I have things to do as well. I don't want to waste all of my time sitting by the phone, waiting for his call that is inevitably inconvenient for me. I need to stop letting him walk all over me. I can't let him call all of the shots like this. He needs to make room for me.
I know it's not his responsibility to create my happiness, but it certainly is his responsibility to make sure he is not the cause of my unhappiness. I miss seeing him and holding him and being with him and talking to him all the time so much. I hate being apart from him, especially with such radical distance between us. I know that he only lives half a state away, but the fact that he resides on an island makes everything so much more difficult. If he only lived on the mainland, I could go visit him all the time.
It's the ferry that makes everything a problem. Getting to the ferry is hard because I cannot simply drive myself, and he certainly cannot come pick me up. There is nowhere to park. Public transportation is inconvenient as hell, and I don't want to impose half a day's worth of driving on my parents' time, because they have better shit to do than drive me to the Cape to see my boyfriend, especially since I can't afford to go for longer than a weekend. I hate everything about long distance relationships.
I've really been looking forward to the ski trip that we have talked to much about, but it really irritates me that Morgan can't plan it to save his life. He starts snapping at me when I ask for concrete dates and times because he "can't give me answers right now." It's simply impossible. Well, genius, that's why you plan things in advance... it's to establish that you want to go on the fucking trip and then be able to plan trivial events around it. Why is it so hard for them, of all people? Living on Nantucket, they should be used to having to plan trips off the island all the time.
I wanted to go on this ski trip in the middle of winter break, because it would be a way to escape living at home. I tried so hard to avoid coming home for very long because I knew that I would be miserable here. So much for that fucking plan. I hated my life during winter break of freshman year, I hated it during the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I hated it during winter break of sophomore year, and I hated it last summer too. It's not hard to sense a pattern there. I am only this unhappy when I am home and it is fucking hard to deal with it because this house, this town, this family... they are all traps. I am trapped in this location because I am not allowed to drive and because I am too poor to afford to go anywhere but where I already am. This town is so pathetic and small that anyone who has the common sense to get the fuck out does so as soon as they can, and they also have the common sense not to come back. I am so fucking jealous of Melody because she gets to stay at school all winter break and hang out with other people her own age. Why can't I ever get a fucking job elsewhere? Why am I eternally stuck with a job at the lab? What the hell is so unhireable about me?
Why is Wheaton's winter break so long? Why do we need more vacation than other students? I would be so much happier with only two to three weeks of winter break, and even then, that would be pushing it. Here I am after a mere two weeks at home and I have already gone insane on multiple occasions. Keep in mind that I managed to delay returning home for about half a week. It's no mystery that I immediately hate everything as soon as I come home - the two are directly related. I just want to go back to school where I have friends, no matter the hour. When I come home, I have to behave and be a good role model for my sister and help out around the house and get told what to do. I feel like I'm twelve fucking years old because by returning home, I surrender all autonomy.
It certainly doesn't help that my parents are so in love with everything about Robin and extoll her virtues to me night and day. "Oh, Robin is so smart and wonderful and tall and skinny and pretty and well-behaved and talented and blah de fucking blah blah blah." I am tired of hearing positive things about her, followed by incredibly negative things about me. It seems that all my mother is capable of saying to me are the following things: how much weight I have gained, how little work I do to help the family out, how much money I am costing them, how well I ought to be doing in school, and the same stories from the lab, told to me over and over and over and over. I am tired of not having any money and continually hearing about the wonderful vacations and wonderful expensive things my friends have. I am tired of everything. I am so tired of being treated like a child. I just want to grow up and move out, and I have felt like this for ages.
I am fucking pissed off that my laptop is dying, and that although I didn't lose any of my files thanks to Dan being able to install a working version of Windows, the new Windows does not function because all the settings and everything are the defaults. None of the drivers for anything are installed. I can't access the internet, I can't use any of my old programs... I can't even watch the videos I have on my computer because the sound card driver is not installed. I have grown up and matured and grown OUT of Hubbardston over the past few years, during which I lived in France, Spencer, or Norton. I need new places and new faces in my life. I need to get the fuck out.
This whole stupid distance thing ruins everything. Morgan is twenty-something miles out to sea and never has time for me. Not during the day and not during the night. During the day he is always busy with hockey to play or work to do with his dad or places to go, people to see. At night, he watches movies with his family and makes food and showers, leaving very little time for conversations with me. Why is it so hard for him to make room for me in his Nantucket life? Why doesn't he feel guilty about completely disappearing from my sphere of contact? What is so fucking terrible about talking to me? Most importantly, why am I so needy?
It really hurts me that he doesn't take my calls when I am able to make them, and it hurts that he is incapable of making solid plans, and it hurts that he is NEVER on time calling me back or being where he said he would be. I have things to do as well. I don't want to waste all of my time sitting by the phone, waiting for his call that is inevitably inconvenient for me. I need to stop letting him walk all over me. I can't let him call all of the shots like this. He needs to make room for me.
I know it's not his responsibility to create my happiness, but it certainly is his responsibility to make sure he is not the cause of my unhappiness. I miss seeing him and holding him and being with him and talking to him all the time so much. I hate being apart from him, especially with such radical distance between us. I know that he only lives half a state away, but the fact that he resides on an island makes everything so much more difficult. If he only lived on the mainland, I could go visit him all the time.
It's the ferry that makes everything a problem. Getting to the ferry is hard because I cannot simply drive myself, and he certainly cannot come pick me up. There is nowhere to park. Public transportation is inconvenient as hell, and I don't want to impose half a day's worth of driving on my parents' time, because they have better shit to do than drive me to the Cape to see my boyfriend, especially since I can't afford to go for longer than a weekend. I hate everything about long distance relationships.
I've really been looking forward to the ski trip that we have talked to much about, but it really irritates me that Morgan can't plan it to save his life. He starts snapping at me when I ask for concrete dates and times because he "can't give me answers right now." It's simply impossible. Well, genius, that's why you plan things in advance... it's to establish that you want to go on the fucking trip and then be able to plan trivial events around it. Why is it so hard for them, of all people? Living on Nantucket, they should be used to having to plan trips off the island all the time.
I wanted to go on this ski trip in the middle of winter break, because it would be a way to escape living at home. I tried so hard to avoid coming home for very long because I knew that I would be miserable here. So much for that fucking plan. I hated my life during winter break of freshman year, I hated it during the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I hated it during winter break of sophomore year, and I hated it last summer too. It's not hard to sense a pattern there. I am only this unhappy when I am home and it is fucking hard to deal with it because this house, this town, this family... they are all traps. I am trapped in this location because I am not allowed to drive and because I am too poor to afford to go anywhere but where I already am. This town is so pathetic and small that anyone who has the common sense to get the fuck out does so as soon as they can, and they also have the common sense not to come back. I am so fucking jealous of Melody because she gets to stay at school all winter break and hang out with other people her own age. Why can't I ever get a fucking job elsewhere? Why am I eternally stuck with a job at the lab? What the hell is so unhireable about me?
Why is Wheaton's winter break so long? Why do we need more vacation than other students? I would be so much happier with only two to three weeks of winter break, and even then, that would be pushing it. Here I am after a mere two weeks at home and I have already gone insane on multiple occasions. Keep in mind that I managed to delay returning home for about half a week. It's no mystery that I immediately hate everything as soon as I come home - the two are directly related. I just want to go back to school where I have friends, no matter the hour. When I come home, I have to behave and be a good role model for my sister and help out around the house and get told what to do. I feel like I'm twelve fucking years old because by returning home, I surrender all autonomy.
It certainly doesn't help that my parents are so in love with everything about Robin and extoll her virtues to me night and day. "Oh, Robin is so smart and wonderful and tall and skinny and pretty and well-behaved and talented and blah de fucking blah blah blah." I am tired of hearing positive things about her, followed by incredibly negative things about me. It seems that all my mother is capable of saying to me are the following things: how much weight I have gained, how little work I do to help the family out, how much money I am costing them, how well I ought to be doing in school, and the same stories from the lab, told to me over and over and over and over. I am tired of not having any money and continually hearing about the wonderful vacations and wonderful expensive things my friends have. I am tired of everything. I am so tired of being treated like a child. I just want to grow up and move out, and I have felt like this for ages.
I am fucking pissed off that my laptop is dying, and that although I didn't lose any of my files thanks to Dan being able to install a working version of Windows, the new Windows does not function because all the settings and everything are the defaults. None of the drivers for anything are installed. I can't access the internet, I can't use any of my old programs... I can't even watch the videos I have on my computer because the sound card driver is not installed. I have grown up and matured and grown OUT of Hubbardston over the past few years, during which I lived in France, Spencer, or Norton. I need new places and new faces in my life. I need to get the fuck out.