we all have our moments.
please dont give me crap for this. this isnt a regular thing, and im giving you the choice of reading it or not. if you want to read it, then read it. if you want to read it and say stupid things then dont read it at all. im disallowing comments because im not posting this for your entertainment, im posting this because i need to say it and im sure none of you would really want me to hold a conversation with you while i blab on and on like i did in this post. so if you do for some reason have a comment on this gobbly gook, tell it to me directly.
i just wanna scream and stomp and pull my hair because it hurts so much to hear the words that break my heart but i know its futile because its unrequitted as always only a bit more cruel this time, because its different than all the others. this time, for a second i thought i hurt you as much as you hurt me and that was the most wonderful feeling in the world. masochism? not quite. just the reassurance of you gritting your teeth when you hear his name, just like my stomach turns when i hear hers. because i dont want to. if i never heard her name from your mouth again i couldnt honestly say i would hate it. but this situation is new. im in a hurricaine unlike centuries past, holding on in hopes of finding the eye, so i can rest. just rest. i want to close my eyes and take a breath and exhale and everything you make me feel leave me with that breath. because although i sit here happily on whats here, the other side of the sword screams out im miserable. i want to change everything but i cant because you dont. and i cant because theres too much in the way. and my plans for tomorrow seem to push us farther away, much like your plans for tomorrow do also, but in very different ways. i cant avoid mine, and you can. but then again you cant, because you cant change how you feel or what you want, i suppose. i just want to drop this limbo and this green and this stupid little stopping thing you make my heart do, even if i dont want it to. because i dont. i dont want to feel like this. i hate you for making me. i hate you for acting like i feel. i hate you for a lot of things. i hate you for making me want you to hold me. and kiss me on the forehead. and i hate you for making me want you to play with my hair when we're watching tv and my head is on your lap because im sleepy. and look at me like im the most beautiful thing youve ever seen as street lamps light up my face on the dark drive home. i hate you for making me cry. and not just right now, all the times before. i hate you for making me happy. i hate you for getting into my head. i hate you for changing me. i hate you for making me want you to be right, even though you arent. i hate you for not being who i cant. i hate you for making me write this. i hate you.
no i dont. i dont hate you. i really dont. i cant. i just hate this for making me hate myself.
i just wanna scream and stomp and pull my hair because it hurts so much to hear the words that break my heart but i know its futile because its unrequitted as always only a bit more cruel this time, because its different than all the others. this time, for a second i thought i hurt you as much as you hurt me and that was the most wonderful feeling in the world. masochism? not quite. just the reassurance of you gritting your teeth when you hear his name, just like my stomach turns when i hear hers. because i dont want to. if i never heard her name from your mouth again i couldnt honestly say i would hate it. but this situation is new. im in a hurricaine unlike centuries past, holding on in hopes of finding the eye, so i can rest. just rest. i want to close my eyes and take a breath and exhale and everything you make me feel leave me with that breath. because although i sit here happily on whats here, the other side of the sword screams out im miserable. i want to change everything but i cant because you dont. and i cant because theres too much in the way. and my plans for tomorrow seem to push us farther away, much like your plans for tomorrow do also, but in very different ways. i cant avoid mine, and you can. but then again you cant, because you cant change how you feel or what you want, i suppose. i just want to drop this limbo and this green and this stupid little stopping thing you make my heart do, even if i dont want it to. because i dont. i dont want to feel like this. i hate you for making me. i hate you for acting like i feel. i hate you for a lot of things. i hate you for making me want you to hold me. and kiss me on the forehead. and i hate you for making me want you to play with my hair when we're watching tv and my head is on your lap because im sleepy. and look at me like im the most beautiful thing youve ever seen as street lamps light up my face on the dark drive home. i hate you for making me cry. and not just right now, all the times before. i hate you for making me happy. i hate you for getting into my head. i hate you for changing me. i hate you for making me want you to be right, even though you arent. i hate you for not being who i cant. i hate you for making me write this. i hate you.
no i dont. i dont hate you. i really dont. i cant. i just hate this for making me hate myself.